Writing Action
By  S. B. 'Kinko' Hulsey
So...-.if you're reading this article, you may just know some
about writing well. It's possible you've got a plot. You've got your scenes.
You may even be revising your work. But there's still something wrong with your
action scenes. They're painted out exactly onto the paper as they are in your
mind, all the descriptions and everything. It's frustrating...- you've got the
scene out perfectly – except the mood is like a peaceful sunrise.
Bleh.
Action is fast-paced, not slow like a sunrise. Of course,
everyone knows that. But there's always the question on how to get the action
RIGHT. Everyone's been at this point at sometime, and it can take a long time
for people to realize what to do. Once they realize? It seems so obvious that
they're hitting themselves about not seeing it before.
Believe me. I've been there myself.
Okay...-.I will give a series of suggested steps to perfect
your writing with. There is an example that was pulled out of thin air, and its
not from any writing I've seen, just to tell you. But the thing about the
example is that the feel of action is non-existent. The example is an
exaggeration of what you'd normally put in so you can see the differences
between the changes more clearly. As I go through the steps, the passage will
improve accordingly.
So, are you ready? Here is the example scene:
Janis leapt into the air, clearing the large, granite boulder without touching it with his plain, brown leather boots. He saw a glint of metal out of the corner of his eye and turned to see a huge ugly monstrosity of a troll swinging a large, engraved sword, made by dragons by the looks of it, at the boy. Jumping backwards, Janis avoided the sword and countered with his rapier, its strong, plain blade holding up to the strength of the beast.
Then, the dark figure that he had been trying to catch and slay
came into his view, laughing as it readied its bow and aimed a deadly,
but fine looking, shaft at Janis. At the same moment, the troll swung
its sword. The arrow fortunately only grazed Janis's arm and he dodged
the sword, causing it to miss, but only by a couple inches. When the
arrow struck, Janis did not avoid it completely, since it grazed his
arm. The figure nocked another arrow, but that was when Janis decided
to make his move, not wanting to be caught between the troll's sword
and the dark figure's arrow. The boy leapt.
It's really boring, isn't it? It would be good, except there's so
many aspects that it needs serious help with. Your action section may
or may not needs as much assistance as what this selection does. You
could be further along in the steps that I will give. But even so, I
suggest you read each step in order to get more understanding of how
to perfect your scenes.
First step: either dump or spread out the description.
That's right. If you're all tense and in a battle, do you notice
little details? Or would you notice that they're about to hit you with
their sword? I think it's the latter...-. Tons of description will bog
down your action. Use more description in more relaxed, lazy times!
I'll bring up the sunrise again. With that, if you want to paint an
awe-inspiring scene of the sheer beauty and wonder, description is
your uttermost friend! But in action, it is your worst enemy.
Janis leapt into the air, and cleared the boulder easily. He
saw a glint of metal out of the corner of his eye and turned to see a
huge troll swinging a sword straight at the boy. Jumping backwards,
Janis avoided the sword and countered with his rapier, its blade
holding up to the strength of the beast.
Then, the dark figure that he had been trying to catch and slay
came into his view, laughing as it readied its bow and aimed a deadly
shaft at Janis. At the same moment, the troll swung its sword. The
arrow fortunately only grazed Janis's arm and he dodged the sword,
causing it to miss, but only by a couple inches. The figure nocked
another arrow, but Janis made his move, knowing he had no other
choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the sword would get
him. The boy leapt.
Better...-..but still needs serious work.
Second step: better choice of words!
If the action is
quick, use words that imply speed or rapidness! Fast-paced words are
crucial in fast-paced action, because without them, there won't be
such a rapidness implied when the actions are done. Instead of hit,
try strike. Glint – flash. Turned – whirled. Get it yet? Ah,
I'll do another example...-.
Janis leapt into the air, clearing the boulder easily. He caught
a flash of metal out of the corner of his eye and whirled to see a
huge troll swinging a sword straight at the boy. Leaping backwards,
Janis avoided the blade, then countered with his rapier, its blade
holding up to the strength of the beast.
Then, the dark figure that he had been trying to catch and slay
jumped into his view, laughing as it aimed a deadly shaft at
Janis. The figure fired, and the troll swung its sword. The arrow
fortunately only grazed Janis's arm, and the sword missed by
inches. The figure nocked another arrow, but Janis made his move,
knowing he had no other choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the
sword would get him. The boy leapt.
Once again. Better. Notice that I did not change that many
words, but yet the change in rapidness is not evident. However, if you keep
those slower-paced words the way they are, when you are finished, it will
really show how much it affects the mood of your scene. Also, take care not to
use the same fast-pace word over...-.and over...-and over. That will bog down your
work just as much as the slow-paced words.
Third step: Shorter sentences.
Subject – verb sentences are better for action. They're faster than other sentences. Like your action should be. Don't believe me? Seems awkward? Then look at the example.
Janis leapt into the air. He cleared the boulder easily. Eyes caught a flash of metal. Janis whirled to see a huge troll swinging a sword straight at the boy.Janis leapt backwards. His rapier countered the sword. Amazingly, the blade held up to the strength of the beast.
The dark figure jumped into view. Janis had been trying to catch and slay it. The boy heard it laughing. He watched as it aimed a deadly shaft at Janis. The figure fired. The troll swung its sword. Though, the arrow only grazed Janis's arm. The sword missed by inches. The figure nocked another arrow. Janis made his move. He knew he had no other choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the sword would get him The boy leapt.
How's that for comparison? Like it more? I hope so. Think
it's better but still needs work? You're right. It does.
Next: short paragraphs!!
If there's something you wish to stress, make it into a teeny tiny paragraph of its own, usually one or two sentences. Doing that puts more tension and makes the short sentences work better. Attention is drawn to whatever you put into a small paragraph.
Janis leapt into the air. He cleared the boulder easily. Eyes caught a flash of metal. Janis whirled to see a huge troll swinging a sword straight at the boy.Janis leapt backwards. His rapier countered the sword. Amazingly, the blade held up to the strength of the beast.
The dark figure jumped into view.
Janis had been trying to catch and slay it. The boy heard it laughing. He watched as it aimed a deadly shaft at Janis.
The figure fired.
The troll swung its sword.
Though, the arrow only grazed Janis's arm. The sword missed by inches. The figure nocked another arrow. Janis made his move. He knew he had no other choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the sword would get him.
The boy leapt.
The feeling is achieved. Tension is building. You could stop
here. But there's still a couple more things that you can do to enhance the
action scene even more, if you wish. The rest is more voluntary, but can be helpful.
So even if you are satisfied with this, I suggest you keep reading to find out
more.
Next: congruity.
The short sentences don't flow together well yet, because of so much repetition. It could be enhanced by changing the subject-verb pattern in a couple places, but don't do it often, or you may ruin the effect.
Janis leapt into the air. He cleared the boulder easily. Eyes caught a flash of metal. Whirling, Janis saw a huge troll swinging a sword straight at the boy.Janis leapt backwards. His rapier countered the sword. Amazingly, the blade held up to the strength of the beast.
The dark figure jumped into view.
Janis had been trying to catch and slay it. The boy heard it laughing. He watched as it aimed a deadly shaft at Janis.
The figure fired.
The troll swung its sword.
Though, the arrow only grazed Janis's arm. The sword missed by inches. However, the figure nocked another arrow. Janis made his move. He knew he had no other choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the sword would get him.
The boy leapt.
It flows a bit better now...-..and I only changed two
sentences. However, there's still something more that can be added.
Last: structure and fragments.
Sometimes you can have good wording, but if you change the word order, or make it a sentence fragment you will get the effect more. Yes, it may not be proper English, regrettably, but it can totally change your scene for the better. That is, if you do not overuse it. If you do overuse your fragments, your congruity will be totally ruined and the scene will be stumbled over by your readers.
Janis leapt into the air. Clearing the boulder easily. Eyes caught a flash of metal. Whirling, Janis saw what it was. A huge troll swinging a sword at the boy.Janis leapt backwards. Rapier countered sword. Amazingly, the blade held up to the strength of the beast.
The dark figure jumped into view.
The feared thing. The thing that Janis had been trying to catch. And kill. But it seemed like it would be the other way around. The boy heard it laughing. He watched as it aimed a deadly shaft at Janis.
The figure fired.
The troll swung its sword.
Though, the arrow only grazed Janis's arm. But the figure nocked another arrow. Janis made his move. He knew he had no other choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the sword would get him.
The boy leapt.
Better. Much better.
Though this still could be improved, you see! It is a never-ending process...- Play around with your scene! Keep changing it until you get exactly the right feel you want. If you get close, save the scene and copy it to another document so that you have a backup if you mess it up. You don't want to loose all your hard work, do you?
So...-given a few more tweaks along the lines I have given here, a few more details added in a couple places, this could be your end result:
Janis leapt into the air. He cleared the boulder easily. Eyes caught a flash of metal. Whirling, Janis saw what it was. A huge troll swinging a sword at the boy. Janis leapt backwards. Rapier countered sword. Amazingly, the blade held up to the strength of the beast.
Like a ghost, like a phantom of the night, the dark figure came into view.
The feared thing. The thing that Janis had been trying to catch. And kill. But it seemed like it would be the other way around.
Especially since the boy heard it laughing. Laughing. He watched as it aimed a deadly shaft at Janis, still laughing. But the sound became different. More evil. More deadly. A sound of doom.
The figure fired.
Troll swung its sword.
Janis dodged.
The arrow only grazed Janis's arm. The blade missed by inches. But the figure nocked another arrow. Janis made his move. He knew he had no other choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the sword would get him.
The boy leapt.
Go and compare this to the first example given. See the difference? Try reading them out loud so you can feel the change in atmosphere, tension, and speed. If you want to see more of how the changes I made are essential, you could try removing some of the things I have done to it to see the changes made.
My last tip for you is to try not to overuse any of the suggestions given. Getting the right feel for your action is a delicate balance. Many times the whole thing will have to be changed, whether being reworded, restructured, re this, re that. But don't get discouraged! Actions scenes are hard to achieve effectively. To make my examples better and easier to understand, I had to change them several times. It's normal. Until you get really comfortable, you'll be redoing your scene quite a bit. But the more practice you get, the better you will get.
If you have any questions, comments or suggestions, feel free to tell me! I won't bite!
 |
| |  | Hands-On English
An excellent source on how to work your grammar. The author of this book also has a website, http://www.GrammarAndMore.com, at which you can join her two very helpful mailing lists. |  |
FARP Article Guestbook
| Date | Name | Comment | | | 18 Jan 2008 |  Another Writer | I agree with ’A Writer’, things were all right at the beginning but the end was still pretty bad; rapidness is one thing but fluidity is just as important. If the scene was a death dance of Domo Arigato Mr Roboto, it would make sense to have such short, jerky sentences, but flying arrows and sword swings are a touch more smooth, generally. Again, the final product sounded more like a five-year-old’s picture book than a quality action scene. More variety would liven it up considerably! | |
| 29 Jan 2008 | Meee | janis is a girls name btw. | |
| 18 Feb 2008 |  Silverstag | you’re an ideot! in all of those examples you have made a mistake. "whirling, Janis turned to see a huge troll swinging a sword at the boy." ? writing "the boy" at the end doesnt make sense. this emplies that there is another boy, but really you were talking about Janis. all you needed to put was "him" instead of "the boy". tard. | |
| 24 Feb 2008 | Anon. | the fragments were pretty bad... you started of well enough, but fragaments are rarely ok. | |
| 28 Feb 2008 | Anon. | Hmm... The first parts were helpful, but as it got later, it worsened. Soem of the fragments make much less sense than even the very very first example. "Though" never ever comes in at the beginning of the sentence without at least two dependant/independant clauses following it, unless it links fragmentally to the previous one.
Okay, the last part was drummed into me by my grammar teacher.
The last example sounded melodramatic. | |
| 10 Mar 2008 | Anonymous | Hey guys, maybe when because it’s just AN EXAMPLE that Hulsey didn’t go into a five page story to give an outline of what’s really going on. I’m not agreeing with the grammar usage that Kinko used, but Ayden (mamasheepy) marshall...you-really-need-to-shut-up! | |
| 11 Mar 2008 | Writing Class--Metro State | We appreciated your steps, but noticed that you’ve shifted point of view in the middle of the action: "A huge troll swinging a sword at the boy." Janis is the boy and he’s the one seeing this. We also think "The sound of doom" is a bit over the top. It depends if you want it to be slightly comic book like or to be serious. If serious, cut it. Thanks for the tips! It’s helpful to see the piece change as you go through. | |
| 15 Apr 2008 | ShadowMask | Awesome example. Very helpful.
To all you people trashing this, there is no "right or wrong" when it comes to writing. Writing differently then what most would expect just means you developed your own style. | |
| 2 May 2008 | Anon. | It was a nice tutorial and all, but even your sentences that you shortened seem way to choppy there are certain words left out that stop the flow all together and it loses that intensity and a short paragraph is good but seven in a row just blog everything down. | |
| 4 May 2008 | Anon. | Although I didn’t agree with all of the points, overall this is a really great tutorial and it has helped me a lot, so thankyou! | |
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