Writing Action
By  S. B. 'Kinko' Hulsey
So...-.if you're reading this article, you may just know some about writing well. It's possible you've got a plot. You've got your scenes. You may even be revising your work. But there's still something wrong with your action scenes. They're painted out exactly onto the paper as they are in your mind, all the descriptions and everything. It's frustrating...- you've got the scene out perfectly – except the mood is like a peaceful sunrise.
Bleh.
Action is fast-paced, not slow like a sunrise. Of course, everyone knows that. But there's always the question on how to get the action RIGHT. Everyone's been at this point at sometime, and it can take a long time for people to realize what to do. Once they realize? It seems so obvious that they're hitting themselves about not seeing it before.
Believe me. I've been there myself.
Okay...-.I will give a series of suggested steps to perfect your writing with. There is an example that was pulled out of thin air, and its not from any writing I've seen, just to tell you. But the thing about the example is that the feel of action is non-existent. The example is an exaggeration of what you'd normally put in so you can see the differences between the changes more clearly. As I go through the steps, the passage will improve accordingly.
So, are you ready? Here is the example scene:
Janis leapt into the air, clearing the large, granite boulder without touching it with his plain, brown leather boots. He saw a glint of metal out of the corner of his eye and turned to see a huge ugly monstrosity of a troll swinging a large, engraved sword, made by dragons by the looks of it, at the boy. Jumping backwards, Janis avoided the sword and countered with his rapier, its strong, plain blade holding up to the strength of the beast.
Then, the dark figure that he had been trying to catch and slay came into his view, laughing as it readied its bow and aimed a deadly, but fine looking, shaft at Janis. At the same moment, the troll swung its sword. The arrow fortunately only grazed Janis's arm and he dodged the sword, causing it to miss, but only by a couple inches. When the arrow struck, Janis did not avoid it completely, since it grazed his arm. The figure nocked another arrow, but that was when Janis decided to make his move, not wanting to be caught between the troll's sword and the dark figure's arrow. The boy leapt.
It's really boring, isn't it? It would be good, except there's so many aspects that it needs serious help with. Your action section may or may not needs as much assistance as what this selection does. You could be further along in the steps that I will give. But even so, I suggest you read each step in order to get more understanding of how to perfect your scenes.
First step: either dump or spread out the description.
That's right. If you're all tense and in a battle, do you notice little details? Or would you notice that they're about to hit you with their sword? I think it's the latter...-. Tons of description will bog down your action. Use more description in more relaxed, lazy times! I'll bring up the sunrise again. With that, if you want to paint an awe-inspiring scene of the sheer beauty and wonder, description is your uttermost friend! But in action, it is your worst enemy.
Janis leapt into the air, and cleared the boulder easily. He saw a glint of metal out of the corner of his eye and turned to see a huge troll swinging a sword straight at the boy. Jumping backwards, Janis avoided the sword and countered with his rapier, its blade holding up to the strength of the beast.
Then, the dark figure that he had been trying to catch and slay came into his view, laughing as it readied its bow and aimed a deadly shaft at Janis. At the same moment, the troll swung its sword. The arrow fortunately only grazed Janis's arm and he dodged the sword, causing it to miss, but only by a couple inches. The figure nocked another arrow, but Janis made his move, knowing he had no other choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the sword would get him. The boy leapt.
Better...-..but still needs serious work.
Second step: better choice of words!
If the action is quick, use words that imply speed or rapidness! Fast-paced words are crucial in fast-paced action, because without them, there won't be such a rapidness implied when the actions are done. Instead of hit, try strike. Glint – flash. Turned – whirled. Get it yet? Ah, I'll do another example...-.
Janis leapt into the air, clearing the boulder easily. He caught a flash of metal out of the corner of his eye and whirled to see a huge troll swinging a sword straight at the boy. Leaping backwards, Janis avoided the blade, then countered with his rapier, its blade holding up to the strength of the beast.
Then, the dark figure that he had been trying to catch and slay jumped into his view, laughing as it aimed a deadly shaft at Janis. The figure fired, and the troll swung its sword. The arrow fortunately only grazed Janis's arm, and the sword missed by inches. The figure nocked another arrow, but Janis made his move, knowing he had no other choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the sword would get him. The boy leapt.
Once again. Better. Notice that I did not change that many words, but yet the change in rapidness is not evident. However, if you keep those slower-paced words the way they are, when you are finished, it will really show how much it affects the mood of your scene. Also, take care not to use the same fast-pace word over...-.and over...-and over. That will bog down your work just as much as the slow-paced words.
Third step: Shorter sentences.
Subject – verb sentences are better for action. They're faster than other sentences. Like your action should be. Don't believe me? Seems awkward? Then look at the example.
Janis leapt into the air. He cleared the boulder easily. Eyes caught a flash of metal. Janis whirled to see a huge troll swinging a sword straight at the boy.Janis leapt backwards. His rapier countered the sword. Amazingly, the blade held up to the strength of the beast.
The dark figure jumped into view. Janis had been trying to catch and slay it. The boy heard it laughing. He watched as it aimed a deadly shaft at Janis. The figure fired. The troll swung its sword. Though, the arrow only grazed Janis's arm. The sword missed by inches. The figure nocked another arrow. Janis made his move. He knew he had no other choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the sword would get him The boy leapt.
How's that for comparison? Like it more? I hope so. Think it's better but still needs work? You're right. It does.
Next: short paragraphs!!
If there's something you wish to stress, make it into a teeny tiny paragraph of its own, usually one or two sentences. Doing that puts more tension and makes the short sentences work better. Attention is drawn to whatever you put into a small paragraph.
Janis leapt into the air. He cleared the boulder easily. Eyes caught a flash of metal. Janis whirled to see a huge troll swinging a sword straight at the boy.Janis leapt backwards. His rapier countered the sword. Amazingly, the blade held up to the strength of the beast.
The dark figure jumped into view.
Janis had been trying to catch and slay it. The boy heard it laughing. He watched as it aimed a deadly shaft at Janis.
The figure fired.
The troll swung its sword.
Though, the arrow only grazed Janis's arm. The sword missed by inches. The figure nocked another arrow. Janis made his move. He knew he had no other choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the sword would get him.
The boy leapt.
The feeling is achieved. Tension is building. You could stop here. But there's still a couple more things that you can do to enhance the action scene even more, if you wish. The rest is more voluntary, but can be helpful. So even if you are satisfied with this, I suggest you keep reading to find out more.
Next: congruity.
The short sentences don't flow together well yet, because of so much repetition. It could be enhanced by changing the subject-verb pattern in a couple places, but don't do it often, or you may ruin the effect.
Janis leapt into the air. He cleared the boulder easily. Eyes caught a flash of metal. Whirling, Janis saw a huge troll swinging a sword straight at the boy.Janis leapt backwards. His rapier countered the sword. Amazingly, the blade held up to the strength of the beast.
The dark figure jumped into view.
Janis had been trying to catch and slay it. The boy heard it laughing. He watched as it aimed a deadly shaft at Janis.
The figure fired.
The troll swung its sword.
Though, the arrow only grazed Janis's arm. The sword missed by inches. However, the figure nocked another arrow. Janis made his move. He knew he had no other choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the sword would get him.
The boy leapt.
It flows a bit better now...-..and I only changed two sentences. However, there's still something more that can be added.
Last: structure and fragments.
Sometimes you can have good wording, but if you change the word order, or make it a sentence fragment you will get the effect more. Yes, it may not be proper English, regrettably, but it can totally change your scene for the better. That is, if you do not overuse it. If you do overuse your fragments, your congruity will be totally ruined and the scene will be stumbled over by your readers.
Janis leapt into the air. Clearing the boulder easily. Eyes caught a flash of metal. Whirling, Janis saw what it was. A huge troll swinging a sword at the boy.Janis leapt backwards. Rapier countered sword. Amazingly, the blade held up to the strength of the beast.
The dark figure jumped into view.
The feared thing. The thing that Janis had been trying to catch. And kill. But it seemed like it would be the other way around. The boy heard it laughing. He watched as it aimed a deadly shaft at Janis.
The figure fired.
The troll swung its sword.
Though, the arrow only grazed Janis's arm. But the figure nocked another arrow. Janis made his move. He knew he had no other choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the sword would get him.
The boy leapt.
Better. Much better.
Though this still could be improved, you see! It is a never-ending process...- Play around with your scene! Keep changing it until you get exactly the right feel you want. If you get close, save the scene and copy it to another document so that you have a backup if you mess it up. You don't want to loose all your hard work, do you?
So...-given a few more tweaks along the lines I have given here, a few more details added in a couple places, this could be your end result:
Janis leapt into the air. He cleared the boulder easily. Eyes caught a flash of metal. Whirling, Janis saw what it was. A huge troll swinging a sword at the boy. Janis leapt backwards. Rapier countered sword. Amazingly, the blade held up to the strength of the beast.
Like a ghost, like a phantom of the night, the dark figure came into view.
The feared thing. The thing that Janis had been trying to catch. And kill. But it seemed like it would be the other way around.
Especially since the boy heard it laughing. Laughing. He watched as it aimed a deadly shaft at Janis, still laughing. But the sound became different. More evil. More deadly. A sound of doom.
The figure fired.
Troll swung its sword.
Janis dodged.
The arrow only grazed Janis's arm. The blade missed by inches. But the figure nocked another arrow. Janis made his move. He knew he had no other choice. If he didn't, either the arrow or the sword would get him.
The boy leapt.
Go and compare this to the first example given. See the difference? Try reading them out loud so you can feel the change in atmosphere, tension, and speed. If you want to see more of how the changes I made are essential, you could try removing some of the things I have done to it to see the changes made.
My last tip for you is to try not to overuse any of the suggestions given. Getting the right feel for your action is a delicate balance. Many times the whole thing will have to be changed, whether being reworded, restructured, re this, re that. But don't get discouraged! Actions scenes are hard to achieve effectively. To make my examples better and easier to understand, I had to change them several times. It's normal. Until you get really comfortable, you'll be redoing your scene quite a bit. But the more practice you get, the better you will get.
If you have any questions, comments or suggestions, feel free to tell me! I won't bite!
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| |  | Hands-On English
An excellent source on how to work your grammar. The author of this book also has a website, http://www.GrammarAndMore.com, at which you can join her two very helpful mailing lists. |  |
FARP Article Guestbook
| Date | Name | Comment | | | 2 Apr 2012 |  SMILES |  Loading...hey, great writing
helped me heaps | |
| 2 Apr 2012 | Loser | Loading... it sux more than me! | |
| 2 Apr 2012 | Wateva | Loading... luved it all =D | |
| 11 Apr 2012 | Anon. | Loading... I don’t think this was very informative...it definetley improved as you showed the difference between the two. Except ’eyes catch’ or ’eyes caught’ seems a bit elementary to me - | |
| 19 Apr 2012 | TheWriter | Loading... You have the right idea but the outcome was terrible. Adding intensity doesn’t mean using a bunch of choppy sentences and fragments. You have to focus on verbs(for imagery), words in general(describing more by using less), taking out what is unnecessary, and using a perfect mixture of moderate and short sentences. Here you have elementary statements that fail to uphold the "seriousness" of the action.
The example itself was flawed by introducing a new object(troll) smack in the middle. You also seem to focus more on physical action than mental action, which really doesn’t help the suspense. I also suggest using a more mature example so the content itself isn’t so distracting. Not to mention the very odd format. In all my years of reading, I have never seen an action scene written like this, spaced(entered) after every line. | |
| 30 Sep 2012 | Red | Loading... Hey thanks for this i’m writing a book and I could not figure out how to put this together without taking a boring journalism class! I’m also glad that you put it in third person because I am writing in third person for my book. I was a bit confused about how you said ’Janis did ....... (Whatever he did)’ and the refer him... or maybe it was someone else... as ’the boy.’ If ’the boy’ was not Janis then it doesn’t matter for my writing effect, but if the boy was Janis then that adds in a whole new way of writing. I think that some of the choppy writing, such as ’eyes caught a flash of metal’ was a little different, but who am I to judge? Overall this was an awesome help to me; great job on this! I couldn’t have asked for any more information than you gave me here! | |
| 17 Oct 2012 | Anon. | Loading... Hey thnx this helped a lot
Didn’t make sense but still
| |
| 17 Oct 2012 | Anon. | Loading... I just stole this iPad from this kid that sits next to me
Lol
Lol
Lol
Lol
Lol
Lol
Lol
Lol
As u can see I’m at school and bored | |
| 19 Feb 2013 | Aqua | Loading... It started out good and from the sunrise-beginning until the second step it really improved but it should have stopped after that. With the short paragraphs and sentences and the fragments it more sounds like an overexcited asthmatic trying to tell you a story. It wasn’t boring anymore but instead it sounded annoying in my head. | |
| 12 Apr 2013 | Kira | Loading... I like most of these suggestions. I really think this will help a lot. however, I think that leaving a few of the longer sentences alone would be better. For example, I really loved this part "laughing as it readied its bow and aimed a deadly shaft at Janis." When all the sentences are short it isn’t fluid and the choppiness also distracts. | |
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