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The Deception of Description
By Erin M. Evans
Description is important to any
style of writing, but when you're working in a non-realistic genre like
science fiction or fantasy it's crucial to have good description. In a world
that no one has ever seen, you—the author—must do better and
more to make it come alive for the reader.
Consider the movie "The Matrix"*
where humans live in a world designed and fed to them by machines: If you're
a machine, and your job is to feed different people images of their world,
you can't be sloppy at it. If you program "a building" without describing it
(is it brick or wood or metal? Is it a skyscraper or a hovel? Are there
birds on the roof?), eventually someone is going to look askance at it and
say, "Wait. This is fake," and the next thing you know, a revolution
starts.
It's just like writing. If your
description is too vague or patchy, your readers will close the book. If
your description is stilted and wordy, they won't want to read it and shut
down the page. If your description is unoriginal and bland, they'll see
through all your delicate and varied characters and realize what they have
on their hands is one elaborate lie, and not a very good one.
What you want description to do is create the scene for the reader and make
them believe it might be real. The reader can't observe the world you're
writing in or the characters you've put there, so they may need prodding to
imagine in the right direction. Plus, your description has to carry the
emotional weight of the characters-you aren't just transcribing. The words
you choose need to point your readers to a mood, a tone. What does your
character think or feel about her situation?
The Mayhem of Modifiers
The easiest way to describe something is to add a modifier, like an
adjective or an adverb. It is also the most dangerous for a variety of
reasons.
- Modifiers are weak. It's better to use a noun or verb that includes the
modifier than to use the adjective/ adverb.
EXAMPLE: She walked slowly.
She shuffled. She ambled. She paced. She sauntered.
The verbs carry more with them than "walked slowly" ever could, plus your
prose (descriptive passages) won't be as cluttered. Keep a Thesaurus close at hand.
- Modifiers overload easily. Don't cram too many together. I'm sure
everyone has had the experience of reading a story overloaded with
adjectives
EXAMPLE: He leaned against the rough, red, hot stone wall and smiled
wickedly with his small white teeth.
It's specific, but it's tiresome, and when you read it, you will be very
aware that this is someone's writing.
- 9 times out of 10, invisible modifiers aren't worth it. Words like
beautiful, interesting, exciting, nice, and really don't have
much meaning, and they usually slip by without notice.
Pretend you're a
machine again: can you program a "nice building" or an "exciting
roller coaster"? Think about it for a moment; you really need more (e.g.
What's nice about the building-the color? the shape? Why is the roller
coaster exciting? Does it loop? Did you throw up?) It's your job to
convince the reader something is beautiful/ interesting/ exciting/ etc.
Don't cheat them by saying "Believe me, it is."
The exception here is when you're writing description in a character's
voice. If your character is the sort of dumbstruck guy who would say "She
was really, really beautiful" then let him say it, but certainly don't avoid
describing this really beautiful woman in greater detail.
- Use an adjective as an adjective and an adverb as an adverb. An
adverb modifies a verb, an adjective, or another adverb. An adjective
modifies a noun or a pronoun.
EXAMPLE: The moon was dark. (adjective)
He
laughed darkly. (adverb)
The tale was darkly humorous. (adverb,
adjective)
He
moved quick into the night. (WRONG!)
- Modifiers are memorable. If you use the word penultimate to
describe something, chances are if you try to use it again six pages later,
someone will notice.
On the whole, strengthen your
use of nouns and verbs before using too many modifiers. This doesn't mean
avoid them entirely, but think about each one and use them sparingly.
Befuddling Figures of Speech
Okay, pretend you're a machine
again. You're walking around as Agent Smith, looking for some ne'er-do-well
human in the Museum of Natural History. Unfortunately, your black suit makes
you look like a guide and you've forgotten to make yourself invisible.
Someone comes up to you and asks what a takin is, and while you could blow
him to smithereens, that's twelve fewer volts to go around. You'll have to
answer.
You could say "It's an Asian
ungulate, large in size and yellowish in color."
Or you could say, "It's like a goat
if George Lucas had designed it and stuffed it full of ugly, then wrapped
it in your grandmother's mildewed bath mat."
Figures of speech (good ones!)
almost force you to picture what the author is describing. Few of you will
picture a real takin from the description above, but you'll definitely form
an image with the important details: it's ugly, smelly, big and hairy, and
not your average animal.
Similes and metaphors are the
two main types of figures of speech used in fiction. As any English teacher
will tell you, a simile uses 'like' or 'as' to compare two unrelated
objects, while a metaphor implies that two objects are related. A simile is
explicit while a metaphor is implicit.
What follows is an example of
how to make a good figure of speech
(in this case, a simile). Your similes and metaphors should be fresh and
original, but also make sense and keep with your story's tone.
Her eyes were blue.
Very straightforward. Let's make it
more interesting:
Her eyes were as blue as the
sea.
Good! A simile! But a weak one.
Blue as the sea has been used so many times it's almost invisible. To
help it, make a list of words that can complete as blue as_____.
The sea, steel, the sky, blueberries,
peacocks….
When using a figure of speech, you
want it to be clever and fresh whenever you can. You can probably pitch the
first five things you think of. The words above are not only over-used,
they're very generic-the sea, for instance, is many things (few of them
applicable to eyes), and not even all that blue. So what are her eyes if
their not just blue? Let's say she has sharp, cold blue eyes.
Her eyes were as blue as blue
knives.
Wow, that's bad! And why? Because
not all knives are blue, and specifying that you mean only the subsection of
knives which are blue completely ruins the affect and no one will think
about the knife part. Think of something else that's always blue and sharp.
That way, your readers won't be confused and won't need extra
clarification.
Her eyes were as blue as Smurf's
with daggers.
This is absurd. So, Smurfs are
always blue and daggers are always sharp-but the simile stands out too much,
almost as a joke. The tone of your figures of speech should match your story
(Remember we're looking for the tone here too), and while I'm sure there are
stories out there that would bloom with this sort of simile, let's assume
this one is a little more serious.
Her eyes were blue and sharp as
the crack and tumble of glacier ice.
Now that's better. "The crack of glacier ice" is not only sharp, but evokes
the blueness and coldness of the ice.
Technically, it's doing a few
things. First, it's making your reader picture this woman. Second, it's
pulling double duty; not only are we now aware that her eyes are blue, but
the description tells us something about her character. This is one
unpleasant lady!
Moreover it's what's referred to as
synesthesia, describing one sense with another. Here we're using a sound to
evoke an image. If you can do this right, it always looks good. It gets used
a lot more in poetry than fiction writing, but it's an excellent tool to
borrow.
Two Poles: the Infodump and Withholding Information
"Infodumping" is what happens when
you try to tell the reader every little thing about the character or the
scene:
The alchemist's workshop
was large and cavernous. Along one side, ran a counter covered with
experiments, starting with a pan of boiling metal and ending with a rock
which had water dripping on it from a pipe in the ceiling. The floor was
covered in an intricate mosaic depicting the Seven Daughters of Urania and a
bestiary in blue, yellow, red, and green glass. The opposite side had a
fireplace, three doors leading off to bedrooms, and was otherwise covered
with shelves of books whose titles hinted at their owner's profession. The
alchemist himself was about 5'11" 160 lb, with dark hair and blue eyes, and
a scar down one cheek …
This is the beginning of an
infodump—basically the regurgitation of information. When you are
describing a person or place, it is not necessary to tell the readers
EVERYTHING about it. Return to the Matrix: If a person walks into a room, do
you really need to fill in every detail of that room for he or she to
believe it? They aren't going to see what's behind closed doors unless they
open them, notice the patterns on the rug unless they look at it, a person's
height unless they're comparing it to something, etc. Why do the extra
work?
On the other hand, if, when
you write, all you do is let your characters talk, you may be guilty of
withholding information. When you write, most of you probably have a good
mental image of what's happening, what it looks like, who's there, and how
they feel. So letting the characters discuss doesn't seem so bad, because
you know that the castle is made of blood-red granite and stretches up
over the treetops, the elf wears a lavender gown and smells of pine trees,
and the space station lights give everyone on it a sickly, green look.
The trouble is, the rest of us
can see what you're seeing.
If a person in your Matrix
looks up and instead of the building we mentioned before, there's a big,
blank, gray space, they are going to tear off screaming. So while it isn't
necessary to tell them every possible thing they might see, it is very
necessary to tell them what they should see.
The best way to avoid
withholding information or infodumping is to give the story to someone else,
someone sympathetic but honest (not your mom, brother, or girlfriend-give it
to someone whose opinion you respect and who won't be afraid to tell you if
you stink). Ask them to read it and tell you what they have a hard time
seeing or even understanding.
When Blue-eyed Blondes Aren't Enough
We're in the Matrix, once more.
Today, you're processing appearances for these people. You start by
programming hair color, eye color, height and weight. That seems like enough
(I mean, they all really look alike don't they? Two arms, two legs, no
processor?). Unfortunately, pretty soon, your world is overrun by blue-eyed
blondes and brown-eyed brunettes who all look alike. People are screaming
and jumping off buildings, and boy, are you in trouble.
It isn't hard for your
character description to fall into a rut. What shows up on profiles is very
basic (height, weight, eye color etc.) so we tend to assume that these are
the important aspects of a person's appearance.
If I told you I have brown hair
and blue-eyes, I'm 5'5" and weigh around 120 lb., you could build a very
generic image of me, it's true. But if I told you instead I have my
grandfather's eyes that turn up at the corners, I'm tall enough to hit my
head on the kitchen cabinets every time they get left open, and I think
constantly about dying my hair, but instead spray Sun-In Blond on it and
hope I'll remember to go out? You'd learn a lot more about me than my police
profile, while still building a physical image of me.
What do you pay attention to
when you look at people? Do you see the shape of their noses? The size of
their mouths? Their arms and legs and how much muscle they have? How did
they get to look like that anyway? Hair color, sure, but how do they wear
it? Brushed back? With gel? With little butterfly clippies? Does she wear
any make-up? Is she wearing Poppy Fields matte lipstick with liner and
blush? Is she wearing Dr Pepper Bonne Belle? What kind of clothes does he
wear? I know this guy who's a computer scientist. Everyone around him wears
t-shirts they got for free and jean shorts and sandals (with or without
socks). This guy always wears a clean, untucked button-down shirt with an
undershirt and khaki shorts with a belt. He sticks out. Why does he do that?
(I have no idea, but if he were my character, I'd have an answer.)
Get into the habit of noticing
details about people and what it makes you think about their personality.
Freckles make people think of innocence or acting cutesy. Red haired people
are assumed to have bad tempers. Blonds are attractive but stupid. Your
characters don't have to (and probably shouldn't) conform to these
assumptions, but you should know how your readers and even other characters
will be inclined to react.
This applies to non-human
characters too. What about the alien is so off-putting? What makes the
vampire impossible to look away from? What's so enchanting about that elf?
It's tempting to get lazy and say things like, "Well, everyone knows what an
elf looks like!" or "The vampire's got hypnotic powers!" "The alien looks
like all aliens!" When your characters are looking at these creatures, is
that all they're seeing? ("Hmm, I can't seem to look away from this odd
fellow. I suppose he has hypnotic powers..." or "My what an average elf. He
looks just like Legolas...")
Especially in these cases, keep
in mind that while there is a tradition associated with these sorts of
beings and with fantasy, science fiction, and horror, you shouldn't be bound
to it 100%.
Show, Not Tell
Who hasn't heard this bit of advice? It means what it says. It's better
to describe something by showing it in scene or use than to stop and tell
your readers what they need to know flat out.
Let's say we have a character
named Iona we want to describe. We want the reader to be able to picture
her in their mind with absolute clarity. So start with a snapshot. Let's
say Iona has long brown hair and large green eyes, fair skin, small nose,
small hands and feet. She's an elf so she has pointy ears and really sharp
features. She's maybe 5'5", 115 lb. She dresses well, because she's a
princess, but her clothes would be messy from riding down the mountains.
Iona Thundermist was a
princess of the wood elves from the tips of her pointed ears to her
delicately crafted boots, all five and a half feet of her. She dressed in
long riding gowns of lambs wool, thin but warm for the season's brisk winds,
their cool greens smudged with dirt from the road. Her long brown hair was
tangled but her green eyes flashed in her pale skin.
No one is going to say this
isn't clear. What it is, is indulgent. You have stopped the story like a
stage mother to parade out your darling. Nothing else can happen while we're
describing Iona. Pretend she's a construct in the Matrix (ignore the
cross-genre for the moment): It's a lot harder to make someone subtly notice
a person if she's just standing there than if she's, say, barrelling down on
you on a horse:
"Ride you fools!" rang a
clear voice down the mountain road. The party turned from their warm fire to
watch the woman bearing down on them, twigs tangled in her long hair, her
fine robes muddied and stained with horse sweat. "They are coming!"
"Wood-elf," Alric snorted, but
whether it was the fire in her great green eyes or the silver circlet
perched on her head, he took her word and leapt to his horse.
The story doesn't stop because
Iona shows up-in fact, she's helping to move it. We can read this passage,
imagine what this wood-elf princess looks like, and read on in anticipation
of who "they" are and what's going to happen.
Sometimes, you have to tell.
For instance, it works a lot better for a first-person character to describe
himself the way Iona was described in the first example. Can you really
believe someone saying, "My green eyes flashed as I laughed at him"? No,
absolutely not. To show how a narrating character looks either have another
character mention it in dialogue or use a mirror, but here it's far more
convenient to 'tell.'
Description should carry your
world out of your mind and onto the page. While good description will
always take time and effort, keeping these guidelines in mind may help. As
with any aspect of writing, think about what you have on the page. Consider
your word choice and let others consider it as well. It will be worth it.
In writing good description, you will be setting your readers up in a Matrix
of their own, in a lie they want to be told and want to believe in.
*NB:"The Matrix" is copyrighted to Warner Bros. Entertainment, and is used
solely as an analogy. As of this article, the author has seen neither "The
Matrix: Reloaded" nor "The Matrix: Revolutions" (shame on her). Therefore
any details used for this analogy inconsistent with either of these
sequels, are irrelevant.
FARP Article Guestbook
| Date | Name | Comment | | | 28 May 2007 |  Anonymous | You are... amazing! That was both hilarious and extremely helpful! I can only imagine you're an excellent writer. ^^ Thanks for taking the time to write that out. | |
| 12 Jun 2007 | Natalia | Please write another tutorial! This is one of the most helpful things I've read! | |
| 25 Jul 2007 | Fallen Gollem | This was clearly a wonderful artical. I am trying to write a Science Fiction and I have been stuck on description. Every time I write something my friends tell me it should be a prolog. This should really help me open my eyes and write a clearly more interesting story. Thank you. | |
| 18 Jan 2008 | Jarek Buss | You made me laugh so hard I cried, with the description of George Lucas’ beast. | |
| 19 Jan 2008 | Davoud | Great article! Really like the way you write these lesson’s to us, thanks. | |
| 13 Feb 2008 |  Hanna ReenBlom Kirpichenka | Thank you! It is very informative and useful! | |
| 17 Mar 2008 | Anon. | A very well done article. The use of the matrix in telling us how to write a good story is wonderful, and cleverley done. Never i have felt more confidence before, as now i feel as though i know how to write! | |
| 24 Mar 2008 | Writer-in-Training | Wow. If you were in my language arts class you would totally get an A for your creative similes and metaphors. Also writing, just wow. I’d love to read a sample of your writing one day.
Thanks for taking the time to help the ones in need. | |
| 22 May 2008 | Angie | Great article. Really opened my eyes... Thank You | |
| 29 May 2008 | Junior Novelist | Wow, to write detail, you have to be very... well-educated in knowing how to use it! I never knew that there was so much to writing with detail. I wish I’d have read this sooner! Merci bou coup, mon chere. | |
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