SciFi and Fantasy Stories: Gift of the River (poem)
'Indentured are we if the mercies be owed what slaves we'd become to repay what's bestowed' -excerpt
HINT: When you read any poetry, it helps to gain better understanding and control of the rhythm and metre if you read the poem aloud.
This is my first attempt at a fantasy poem. It is actually the description of what takes place when Leilia, a character from my story The Eilia Legacy, receives the gift of Intuition. To put into better perspective, please read The Eilia Legacy: Chapter 1.
The inspiration for this poem is based on a personal experience (minus the spritely young man). The idea came to me in the Summer of 2002. My family and I were camping along the West coast on the way back from a trip to Sacramento, CA. Our first stop was at a place at the very North part of California, in the redwood forest. It was a campground on a River I think was named the Eel River, but I'm not totally sure. All I know, was that it was incredible! The part of the river where we went to swim, was very still, extemely clear, and quite warm for moving water. The deepest part was about ten feet down, and not murky at all. I could see everything! I think I caught just about every salamander there was to find. I was in the water all day, even until dusk. When the soft light becomes antique gold, and the day ages, is when an imagination can really run away with the bearer. Most of the other swimmers had gone back to camp to warm by their fires. I found myself in another world, absorbed by the embrace of the graceful waves. I let it consume me as I floated in it's peaceful rocking caress, that moved with a slight motion, destined towards some land unknown. Can you tell I love the water? My favorite pretend game I used to play when I was a little girl was mermaids. My sisters and I came up with some elaborate stories, and beautiful descriptions!
I would love feedback on this poem, so please take a momment to comment. Thank you! Hope you enjoy!
Hey Johnni! Sorry I've been fairly silent lately (blogs, etc), just been a busy bit for me.. bought a new laptop yesterday (whee!).
Anyway, down to business. I am usually quite hesitant to read poetry, as, to be honest, I'm just not a big fan of it. My wife accuses me of writing poetry sometimes, but I have to insist that "No! Its a not a poem, its lyrics to a friggin industrial metal song I've got stuck in my head!"
Having said that, I enjoyed this, for a number of reasons -
A)It was pretty brief, and I can't handle long poems at the best of times. it was extremely well paced and rythmic. You did a great job keeping the cadence consistent throughout, which seems a very elusive quality in most poetry I have read on Elfwood. C) Your rhyming was very well executed, the words all made sense together and, again, unlike the vast majority of poems I read, it never sounded as though you had had to search for a particular word just to make it fit with the cadence and rhyming scheme. The words flowed very simply and naturally.
Very good job! Jennifer L. Kurz replies: "Yo, yo. Whaz up Saint? How's the new laptop working out? Thanks for the compliments! I'm honored that you liked it! Yeah, poetry's a tough thing to like sometimes(unless it's Robert Frost's works). I've noticed that too about poems on Elfwood. Nothing irritates me more than when a poem is not rhythmical. Don't sweat about the blog thing. I honestly never expected anyone to comment. I use it mainly to vent, really. BTW: The verses you write may be rock lyrics in your own head, but we all know it's actually stanzas of a poetry. LOL! Let loose the poem within, Ryan. Embrace it! :0)"
And finally. >.ing/strange/random/whatever the effect actually is, although that doesn't alter the factuallity of the statement* Jennifer L. Kurz replies: "You are welcome! Though I hardly think I could effect your sanity anymore than it already is (You're the writer who penned "A story of Stops!") Thanks for reading, and even more for commenting! I appreciate that! *Hands you a lollipop* )"
Hmmm. I swear I commented on this one a while back. Maybe not...Well, I thought I was wonderful. My ear heard no weird irregularities in your meter (thumbs up!) and didn't detect anything wrong. I love the concept for this. It was very original and you expressed it beautifully in your poem. I love poetry! And I love your poetry! My favorite line is the last one: the river swept me away! <333 Would you mind taking a look at one of my humble works? Jennifer L. Kurz replies: "Sweet! Thanks so much for your compliment! It makes my day, when someone enjoys something I made. I already dropped by, and read some of your poetry (I'm not the best at critiquing poetry, but I do know what I enjoy, and you are good!) I am honored that you commented. Thanks!"
Wow, this was very good. I won't repeat what has already been said, but it is all true. You do a wonderful job of communicating your love of nature (in this case, water) to the reader. Great. I'm starting to sound like my mom. Pleh. Oh, well, I guess I'll get over it. Keep writing! I'm off now, but I'll be back. Jennifer L. Kurz replies: " Thanks for the encouragement! That's the effect I was hoping to create. I especially love rivers, and I'm glad that came through in this poem. Thanks for reading, and I'm happy you enjoyed it! )"
*growls at the comment gnomes for making me submit the comment twice*
Well, I'm taking a bit o' time getting to know the people that have joined up on Aldora, so here I am, commenting on the poem.
I enjoyed this quite a bit. I loved how you made the refrain-ish stanzas out of a limerick (though not, thankfully, including the traditional saucy limerick subject matter).
This really feels like a nice folk song. I have no idea what you intend to put on Aldora, yet, but this would be a beautiful song about the faerie creatures. You've captured the mystery of the "boy" really well, and I like it a lot.
I suppose it should be noted that I'm usually not all that big on rhymed poetry (mine is not even remotely as nicely song-ish as this is), but I enjoyed this immensely. Have you persuaded anyone to actually set it to music? If so, I'd love to hear it someday.
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it was extremely well paced and rythmic. You did a great job keeping the cadence consistent throughout, which seems a very elusive quality in most poetry I have read on Elfwood. 
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