SciFi and Fantasy Stories: Beyond the Seas

'ello! As a warning nits first and rest later and I'm fairly certain I'm a notoriously picky things when it comes to poetry and still learning to phrase the why of my reactions.

That said, my first question on an overall level is "Why isn't the whole of 'Beyond the seas' capitalised (or at least the seas bit' since it's obviously all part of the same title/name." Currently it reads as strangely as "United states of america" would read to me. ^-^; I really like the repetition of that line, though. It's one of those great ways to draw stanzas together.

I have to agree with Jon on the rhymes in the second stanza. (And add the kinds-minds-climes one in the stanza below.) The problem for me is that these don't rely on end-rhyme like the other three line rhymes. I don't have that issue with the two line rhyme at the end of the stanzas because with the exception of learned-returned they're all half-rhyme. (And drums-come, I'm putting down to accent variation.)

Conversationally, my issues with 'wastelands white cold' was that 'far mountains' didn't follow the same syntax. 'of far mountains' sounds much more appealing to me, but the overall line doesn't. Feel free to ignore my issues with it, really, since I doubt you could write that line in a way that I'd find works. *shrugs helplessly*

Beyond that, though, I don't have all that much to say. Well, not much useful in terms of suggestions anyway, you're free to ask and I'll give it a gander. *clears throat* Anyway, I really enjoyed this. It flows very well, first off and it's always a delight to read a poem that does that, even for those of us who are rhythmically impaired. ^-~

Beyond that, there's the imagery. It's very vivid and easy to imagine. I really, really enjoyed the sense of a misty horizon that I got from the continuous 'beyond the sea'. Not sure where the mists came from, but there you have it anyway. The first stanza gave me the impression of a storyteller beginning his tale in a smokey room crowded with people, and then it launches into the 'tale' beginning properly and the feeling becomes one of horizons obscured by mists, all mysterious and luring the faint twinkle of promises. And then right in the end stanza, you turn the whole feeling upside down and turn it into something that isn't mysteriously attractive, but dark, foreboding and even a menacing, undefining threat arising from the mists. Not slowly and a little bit at a time, but so obscured that you don't see it until it's there huge and terrifying.

If that makes any sense what so ever. But that's why I like this poem. It's very clearly related to something larger, yet it allows the reader to envision so much.

Anyway, it was a delightful read! Well-done! *applauds*

David Michael replies: "Hmm...I see what you mean about the capitalization. I had thought of the Beyond as the major idea, and "the seas" as a mere descriptor, but I think you're right that in this case it makes more sense to capitalize both. Since you and Jon both seem to have a little trouble with the imperfect rhymes, I s'pose I should see what refining I can do on them. "Writing is rewriting" I've oft been told. I'm glad you liked it overall, and thanks for commenting. Mists are certainly welcome as implied imagery. Be sure to visit again!"

I really dont know what to say but that it is much better than anything that i've ever written in my life. And i dont think you should change anything about it

David Michael replies: "Thanks very much, you're too kind. There probably are some things to polish in it, as my loyal critics above have said, but I'm glad you enjoyed it."

The saga begins... (drums o'er the waves). Nice...now just write the story to go with this!!!

David Michael replies: "Marli! Darned old man, get outa the way! The villagers need me, and here you are dashing about the forest like some melodramatic squirrel-hating fogey!Eh, sorry there, my friend. After I deal with Old Marli, I'll be able to check up on our friends from Beyond the Seas. That is, if homework doesn't interfere...{Laston growls}"

A like this poem, it has a good feel of rhythm/sound and a silky/foggy seascape sensation. It's the last stanza that I thought is a bit not as good- it seems to be more dialogue in form and doesn't carry as much of the poem flow. Nevertheless, this is great stuff!

David Michael replies: "The last stanza is supposed to be more dialogue-y (?) in order to give the poem meaning and prepare you for the story. Thanks for reading, I'm glad you liked it."

Good work! I especially admire the fantasy spirit of this poem, as well as the way it reminds me the poems from LOTR.
I also like your descriptions, they are very realistic. Keep it up!

David Michael replies: "Tolkien's poetry was skillfully honed, and I hope to achieve near the level of his beauty as shown in "Unfinished Tales." I appreciate your comment, thanks! Feel free to read more..."

Interesting poem. I like how easily you incorporated the warning. It assumes I know all about the Racon, which makes the poem seem even more like it was taken from a fantasy world. Cool.

David Michael replies: "Thank you! While I've written more about the Racon, it's nice sometimes to let the readers' imaginations work alone."

That was much more fun to read than the poetry I should be analyzing for my Lit class right about now. I’m about this close to throwing in the towel when it comes to tearing apart poetry to find its heart. That’s just so vicious and cruel, and such a messy process. Ok, I’m exaggerating a bit. I tend to enjoy it more than I let on. Especially if we can get into a decent in class discussion.

My favorite line: "Reflect in the eyes of the twinkling men old"

I’ve had to read a few poems by E.E. Cummings lately (’anyone lived in a pretty how town’ being my favorite so far) and the line brought to mind his style of writing words somewhat out of order, or out of the order in which one would normally think they should go. --So rather than having twinkling eyes, the men themselves are twinkling...oh, and also old. I just love the juxtaposition of it all!

David Michael replies: "Most of the time performing surgery on poetry tends to destroy the essence of its power, I think. I’ve never been very happy with poetry classes and the like...but I still take them to learn what I can. I’m not a big fan of cummings (would it kill the guy to capitalize every so often?) but I still take it as a compliment, so thanks!"

Hmm...and I too was curious about the captial in "Beyond" but as a poet, you have the right to take liberties. Though "Beyond the seas" seems like the title of a place, and that’s what I initially thought, failing to capitalize the S in "seas" made me think you were emphasizing the beyond aspect, thus making the whole idea of the place feel more ephemeral. It’s stuff like that that forces the reader to pause and wonder at exactly what the poet’s trying to say, so I say it’s a good thing. It’s up to you, of course.

David Michael replies: "Hm...you seem to think a little more along my lines than a lot of others do, as that was the purpose behind it. "Beyond" is almost a place unto itself, and the land the poem refers to, whence the Racon come, is indeed almost on the borders of reality, even for a fantasy world."

Even if the "meaning" of the poem seems to be to leave alone all those misteries it makes me wonder how they’ll be, so I think the final meaning of this one may be just to kindle the small flame of curiosity.

Great job, and excuse me if I’ve said something that it’s not quite correct: english it’s not my native language, so I may say/read some things the way they are not.

David Michael replies: "Yes, curiosity is indeed the primary purpose of this poem: curiosity, wonder, dreams...all that good stuff. And you are most certainly excused! I can understand you fine, but English is a crazy language anyway, even for us native-speakers. And honestly, foreign speakers of English tend to spell better than many native ones. *nods* ’Tis sad, but true."

I don’t nomrally read poems much, I have a few, but not on here... hmm... maybe I’ll try putting some up. Ahem, I digress.

Very nicely done. The wording, really the whole poem itself conveys good images. It makes me think of young adventurers and sailors laughing at the old man telling of his past and what horrors he found when he set out for treasure and glory. And then those same young folk no longer laughing as they find out what ’adventure’ is truly about. I look forward to the novel =)

David Michael replies: "Thank you. The novel is coming slowly, but pieces from it and that world will appear here eventually."