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'The Young Foxes'


 
 

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Click For MoreDocument 8 out of 10 by David Michael.

SciFi and Fantasy Stories: The Young Foxes

My first experiment with present tense, this was originally a historical fiction piece I wrote over a year ago set in post- Roman Britain, inspired by a scene from Rosemary Sutcliff's 'The Lantern Bearers.' With some change in names and details, it fit wonderfully into my fantasy world. The potential difficulty is that the political background to it is rather complicated, so I'll try to outline the basics as clearly as I can:

- The region where this all takes place is called Tabid-Ar, a vast wilderness north of most settled nations. Semi-nomadic (& semi-Germanic/Celtic) tribes share the land with creatures both mundane and magical.

- The main characters are Scyldjmen from Scyldja, and their two main enemies are the Ridilaun, led by Sworran Daor, and the Barrans, led by Regin.

- Scyldja has managed to hold an advantage in the past years by commanding the fear and loyalty of many lesser chieftains, but recently the Barrans launched a ferocious invasion of their territory. Vorgremar, the Scyldjman chief who declares himself High King of all Tabid-Ar, found himself in a dangerously delicate predicament and eagerly bought peace...but oh, at such a cost...


    Main Category: [High Fantasy]
    Sub-categories: [Royalty, Kings, Princes, Princesses, etc] [Celtic] [History-based, Alternate Reality, Alternate Universe, Parallel Worlds] [European Traditions, Mythology]

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            “He shall come to that hill soon now if he comes at all.  The scout that saw us rode fast, and we are not far now from Ridilaun Wood and the coast.”

            The violet-caped horseman nods as he speaks, a small swift movement that shakes his long fiery hair.  The younger man beside him makes no comment, but slowly stretches his arms, taking care that neither his spear nor the green branch he carries catches on the grasping tree limbs around.  His cape is golden amber, and his hair is also red tinged with orange.  Their horses stand obediently under them in the speckled shade.

            A breeze ruffles by.  Clear and cold, as the pounding breakers of the Iopran Sea crashing just west of the heather-carpeted dunes.  Wild too, like the brown-flecked eagle shrieking as it hunts scampering prey on Mount Wyrcoulik’s rocky slopes, which gleam in the noonday sun.  Ghosting over the worn westward road and sweeping through the tangled branches of myriad trees, the zephyrous whisper dances somberly with the rider’s purple cape in stately, dignified steps, as if to sweep his mind clear.

            His brow furrows as he peers down the sloping valley, waiting under the trees just to one side of the road so as not to be marked by anyone on the summit of the matching hill.  He feels taut rolling muscles under his legs as the grey-spotted stallion shifts its weight uneasily.  The beast wishes to break the stillness with a thundering gallop, one that has broken many a Barran shield-wall and brought glory to his rider.  But not now.  The rider waits straight-backed in the saddle with his sword hanging motionless from his belt, and his fingers, empty for once of a spear, absentmindedly stroking the horse’s mane.  Despite the dark yet snow-capped authority of Wyrcoulik commanding the heights, the air up here is open and light.  A cold world, but a clear one.

            “Oh, Sworran Daor will come, brother,” says the amber-caped man, “of that I have little doubt.  But whether he comes to us with open arms or bristling spears I cannot say.”

            The rider with the violet cape lets out a low harsh laugh.  “Kinsman or no, the lord of Ridilburg is not likely to greet the three sons of Vorgremar, High King of Scyldja, with open arms and goblets of mead!  Not at first.”  He sniffs the air and inhales its cool draught deeply.  “But if he truly seeks the old secrets of Taralon, he will honor our mother’s necklace.”

            “If we can get close enough to show it.  It is customary for the Ridilaun to kill armed Scyldjmen on sight.  We risk much, my brother, so much.”

            His brother’s hand strokes the thin cord around his neck before bringing out the round emerald medallion.  “It spoke to her heart long ago and it will speak also to his.  That is why she asked us to bring it to him.  I could never understand her interest in the old legends or what they stood for, but now, it seems, I must risk all our lives for the hope of that understanding.”  The medallion’s face, glinting green in the sunlight, bears the chiseled image of a king bowing before a peasant and washing the poor man’s feet.  Rare it is for a thing of power to so glorify humility, but such was the way of mythic Taralon and its Servant King of old.

            The younger man is silent.  He glances behind him, where his green-caped brother waits in the trees by the small host of clan chieftains that have followed them by way of Candemhal.  Another head of fire, for there are three red-haired sons of Vorgremar the High King.  Red as foxes and just as clever, but with the pride of lions.

            A dark chieftain with wiry muscles rides lightly up.  “This is a grave deed, Vortinas my lord,” he says coldly.  “Have you in truth thought it through?”

            The elder, violet-caped brother drops the medallion back under his tunic and turns sharply in the saddle.  “You doubt our decision, Guirhenthar?”

            The man’s eyes are sharp and flitting, as though unseen things constantly offend him, and his voice flashes like soft steel.  “My sword I pledged to you, my lord.  But this…we have long served your father and opposed the schemes of Sworran Daor to rule all the vastness of Tabid-Ar; he who denies the traditions of our forefathers and seeks the arcane magic of Taralon.  Shall we now storm rashly to his side, as an indignant child after his favorite lamb is slain for a feast?”

            “Rashly?  You know well it is not for the loss of a mere lamb that I lead an army to Sworran Daor.”  A smolder is in Vortinas’s eyes.

            “Yet still, my lord,” continues the flinty-eyed man, “Vorgremar the King is a great man, and mighty with the new alliance to the Barrans.  You have made your displeasure known clear to him, and I for one still see hope for reconciliation.”

            “Sah, and how is this?  Truly your eyes must be keen.”

            “Think, my lord Vortinas,” says dark Guirhenthar, an edge in his voice.  “Sworran Daor, the slayer of our warriors and bulwark against our power, comes down this narrow road with naught more than a paltry guard, shadowed by grave Wyrcoulik, unsuspecting of our troop in the trees.  Our men are battle-ready and eager; they would not begrudge you this change of plans.  Such a prize Vorgremar the High King could not possibly overlook, so great as he is.  And what father could help but be proud of such a son who would do that for him?”

            The thought passes through the violet-caped captain’s mind like a seahawk which thinks it sees a fish below the waves and starts to dive, only to realize it is just the sun glinting off a patch of floating kelp, and must break the dive and return to the path it was flying.  “You ignore my father’s offense.  You act as if he had no choice, as though he were beguiled beyond any fault of his own…”

            “So he was, my lord,” interrupts Guirhenthar urgently.  “The magic in the Fire Hall…”

            “He knew full well what he was doing!” Vortinas snaps.  “My father Vorgremar has all but sold his own people to Regin and the Barran jarls.  And for what?  For ‘protection’ against the lizardmen tribes so he can concentrate on fighting Sworran Daor.  For a – ” His lip curls as though the next words are too bitter to speak.  He turns back to watch the valley.  “No, the Barran yoke is a viler one than that of the Ridilaun.”

            Guirhenthar glances briefly at the amber brother’s peace branch with a disgust he would not dare let Vortinas see.  Beneath his gray tunic, a series of thick old scars lie across his side: battle-gifts from Sworran Daor’s famed wolf Kulav.  Long since healed, they burn ever in his mind.

            “Then know, my lord,” he says softly, “that some men feel…uncomfortable about this coastland.  It is said that the black dragon Osheltazrog fled to this mountain after his defeat by the Dragonking, and some superstitious old warriors are not fain to trespass on his warded lair, nor make alliance with a chief who rules here disrespectful of the danger in ancient magics.”

            The low trees and heather rustle excitedly in a sudden breeze as Wyrcoulik’s gray shadow looms sharper in the crisp highland.  Vortinas turns his gaze levelly at the dark man, studying him.  Guirhenthar lowers his eyes and bows slightly.  His words spoken, he slips his horse back to the company of the muttering chieftains a few dozen feet back.

            The amber-caped brother glances at Guirhenthar before moving closer to Vortinas to whisper, “He doesn’t like this.  He shall follow us, for a time, but he does not like it.  It is my mind that even if it be only us three, we shall pledge our swords to Sworran Daor lord of Ridilburg, should he accept us.  But if the others have such doubts as he, we may only be bringing trouble upon Daor and ourselves.”

            “I know,” is the quiet reply.  Their third, green-caped brother rides quietly up to join them.  He glances at the other two men and sighs, shaking his head.

            “But,” says he of the amber cape, “we will follow your lead down either path.  It is hard for our men to fight their brothers after so many years.”

            “Will not their loyalty remain with us, as ever before?” asks the green-caped man.  He is young and his brow is not yet wrinkled by the burdens of leadership, but his heart burns as true as the sun.  “We are the ones who have withdrawn our oaths to our father, – curse his name! – but theirs were only to us from the beginning.”

            “Were they?  None but the Spirit in the heavens knows what is sworn in the dead hours of gloaming.”

            The younger man’s brow creases as he ponders this, and his hand rests uneasily on his sword pommel.

            Vortinas is silent for awhile, thinking.  It is no small thing to lead half the warlike tribes under your father’s rule into the service of his enemy.  But neither is it a small thing to love one’s mother.

            One’s mother…she was not present that day, had no knowledge of what would happen.  Not a year past, but he could see it still clearly in his mind…the honey light of the hearth in Regin’s Fire Hall glossing both Barran and Scyldjman in flickering hues.  All watching, with rapt attention and drinking horns full of hard mead, as Regin’s beautiful daughter sings a dark and mystic melody, a song of the Calaxion sirens, and steps to its rhythm.  Rowena, the young golden witch as she is later known, is said to have siren blood in her veins, and no man who hears her doubts it.  Even now, her song fills the beer-dulled minds of the warriors while her eyes smile beckoningly at Vorgremar the king, who grins wolfishly back.  The shrill flute mingles with a dizzy ringing in his head, and the fluid notes drip down the girl’s every voluptuous curve as she slinks and twirls her gown in the dance.  Her eyes, vibrant as jewels but cunning as a snake’s, goad the king’s lust as Regin her father smirks triumphantly at his men.  Vorgremar could only stare in wonder...his mind was lost, he was enraptured, he wanted nothing in life so much as her; that full smooth-skinned body, that brazen wink, that voice like dark honey laughing to him, calling him closer, tempting him with unspoken caresses…

            Vortinas and his brothers had left Regin’s Fire Hall in utter disgust, though their father thought nothing of them that night.  It is no small thing to betray one’s kin.  But neither is it a small thing for a High King to give his prime lands to Barran plunderers for the hand of their chieftain’s daughter in marriage, when he has a wife already who has given him three sons to be proud of.  Three proud sons, proud and fiery.  Three young foxes…

            A deep wolf howl echoes over the mountain pass, its undulating pitch riding on the back of a whipping sea wind.  The three caped brothers look expectantly down the westward road as the clustered chieftains behind them mutter nervously amongst themselves and grasp their spear shafts tighter.  Guirhenthar’s nostrils flare out as he steadies his horse.

            “Kulav…” he whispers, with hatred in his voice.    

            A small cloud of dust appears on the far side of the valley, rising up from behind where the road dips back towards the sea.  The Young Foxes lean eagerly forward.  Three horsemen, riding fast in the old arrowhead formation.  A brown stallion bearing a tall weathered veteran hurtles beside a strong red mare whose rider grips the reins with solemn guidance.  Before them lopes a large gray wolf with flashing yellow eyes filled with a depth not found in many men.  And beside the wolf, a powerful stallion with a coat blacker than the starless deeps of heaven gallops under a stout dark man who sits straight-backed as he surveys the winding road ahead.  A cape of deep indigo billows out from his shoulders.

            “The lord of Ridilburg comes.”  The amber-caped brother’s hand unconsciously wraps around his smooth-bound sword hilt.  “And without a battalion of Ridilaun cavalry to cut us down, it seems.  Could it be that he trusts us?”  A halting laugh, and then he holds out to his brother both the spear and the green peace branch.  “So, my brother, choose one.  How shall we meet Sworran Daor?”

            Vortinas watches the approaching riders with a face of stone.  His enemy before him, unguarded but for two companions; an easy target that his warrior training loathes to pass up.  Yet here also is a more honorable king than his father Vorgremar, and his one hope of defending his mother’s honor and driving the Barran hordes from his people’s homesteads.  He feels a cool touch on the skin of his chest, and draws out the emerald medallion, his mother’s medallion, the relic of Taralon and its Servant King of old.  It glows subtly green despite the gold sunlight.  He turns to his amber and green-caped brothers and nods, letting the medallion hang outside his tunic.  A deep breath he takes, then grabs the green branch from his brother’s hand and heels his horse forward onto the road.

            “Come, we shall meet him this way…”

 
 

©David Michael. All rights reserved!

DateNameComment 
3 Aug 2007:-) Patricia M. D´Angelo
Well written. As to your question, I'm not the one to ask whether present tense creates greater tension. I've never been a fan of present tense. The fact that I continued reading, actually speaks to your talent.


What I really liked with this piece, is the weight we feel with the decision, and that even his mind is not made up till the last moment.

1 David Michael replies: "Thanks! Yeah, I used to not care for the present tense, but I think it has some good uses. My next stuff will be in the more traditional past tense."
27 Aug 200745 L. Shanra Kuepers
Ah, slip into past tense throughout the rest of the remeniscing. Sorry. And... a two-parter again. +) It's tradition.

-

A brown stallion bearing a tall weathered veteran hurtles beside a strong red mare whose rider grips the reins with solemn guidance. //saiena.livejournal.com/tag/horses
Just in case it might come in useful at some point. ^-^ Thanks, and no I don't have much horse experience. However, I've done a little research and have read that mares were often ridden into battle, at least by some cultures in Britain, alongside stallions. If she's not in heat and is battle-trained, I think it's plausible (wouldn't have done it if I hadn't thought it really happened). But thanks for the link, I'll use it.

That said and done... I don't particularly care for first person. I tend to find it lesser in all aspects. It reads... haltingly for me, with stops and pauses. Not sure why, so you might want to excuse me from answering the question in the way that you've posed it. Well seeing as you have answered it...thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Cecily likes it though, so I'm not sure which way to go...

What this reminds me of, in terms of language and feel is Beowulf. It's a full, rich narrative, with some archaic features ('we be', all the little flourishes like given the dragon name, the syntax of the questions, etc). It's filled with cold sword steel, and chain mail. *shakes head* That feeling. It's not one I particularly care for, but it's good. Well-executed. In that sense, though, I'd recommend switching it to past tense, simply because that's the way the old epic stories are written. Gotcha. Name inspirations were from Beowulf, actually, and Vortigern's period in Britain.

But I'm honestly not sure if it'll matter all that much in the end. To me, anyway. I have to agree with Patricia that what I really, really liked was how the decision wasn't made until the very and and how the weight of it is truly there in this piece. I like how you've put a lot of information into the piece (the location, the history both ancient and recent) and kept it from reading like an infodump. Even when you have Vortinas (I keep wanting to write 'Vortigern') remember what happened, it fits neatly into place. In part that's the style you've adopted, which can afford to spread out for a moment and then return to its focus. Thanks! I'm glad to hear my goal was somewhat achieved. I know the story ain't perfect by a long shot, but I'm rather proud of the "informational flares." 'Twas fun.

It's a good piece. Seeing how I felt about 'A Not-So-Soft Moonlight', you might be surprised to hear that I did really enjoy this. 'tis good. 'tis powerful. 'tis balanced. 'tis sharp. *smiles* I enjoyed this very much. You carry this style very, very well. *applauds*

:-) David Michael replies: "Aw, you're too kind. +) The other things I'm writing now are a little more relaxed in style, but I'll return to things like this occasionally."
27 Aug 200745 L. Shanra Kuepers
with the rider’s purple cape in stately Hm, I see. It's not a magical wind, so perhaps I'll reference all three capes. I was just keeping the focus on him for the moment.

:-) David Michael replies: yup."If that makes sense. Yup.

man, “of that Yeah, he's not taking much of a breath, just continuing with the same flow.

But this…we have Oo yeah, thanks!

of Tabid-Ar; he who Since the subject of discussion is Sworran Daor, I think it's implied that that's who "he" refers to, especially since Tabid-Ar is referenced as the region. Good point about the semicolon, though.

Guirhenthar glances briefly at the amber brother’s Well like I said, this piece is experimental. +) I was trying for distance and didn't want too much connection between the way a name looks/sounds and the nature of the characters. However, I will change this in the revision.

Sworran Daor[,] lord of Ridilburg

under your father’s Hm, no wall, no side really, what would it be? Oh well. You're right here, though. Thanks! I'll stick to "one's."

a year past Using "past" like this is fairly common in idiomatic English, but I'll look into polishing it.

Vorgremar could only stare in wonder...his mind was lost, Reminiscing. Since the memories happen before the present time, it needs to be past tense. Right? {thinks so, but realizes that as a native speaker he avoids thinking of proper grammar}"
31 Aug 2007:-) Cecily ´SLWS´ Webster
"It is no small thing to lead half the warlike tribes under your father’s rule into the service of his enemy. But neither is it a small thing to love one’s mother." O_o Does he realy mean...? [reads on] Oooh. Um. How about something more ferocious and less suggestive to any of your readers who might mave French ancestry? Like, hmm..."It is no small thing to lead half the warlike tribes under your father’s rule into the service of his enemy.
Neither is it a small thing to defend the honour of one's mother, and the clan." {raises eyebrow} Interesting, the way you French think...+) I'm not sure many other people would make that assumption first, but I'll consider your point. I rather like the flow of its present form, though.

I'd like the brothers to have names and be drawn more distinctly in my mind than purple-cloak, yellow-cloak (aie mais, with the hair!), and green-cloak...unless you intend their identity to be mysterious? Think about what they're feeling and the movements that are defining them, betraying their thoughts to their brother without speech. (or perhaps they have been apart for a while - what are the ties like between these fellows? don't forget they're on ungelded horses, beasties like herbivouous football hooligans from all I can tell, and will react to those too as they shift about, try to graze/tank off/stamp etc.)

58 David Michael replies: "Good points. I've already given names to his brothers and will work on developing them more.

I think present tense did add to tension here, but it was a high-up piece anyway, a good feeling like a lungful of cold sea air.  Thanks. Does that mean you sort of liked it? +) If I keep the present tense, I'll have to add more sensory details. Otherwise I'll probably revert back to past tense."
31 Aug 2007:-) Cecily ´SLWS´ Webster
Hokay, so. It makes me happy to be able to go into archaeologist mode and help with a culture, it does...
I raised my eyebrows first at "violet" as such a colour speaks "emperor" to anyone aware of dyes, especially with the intro...a man with a cloak one has to pay so much gold to produce would probably have gold trim, a house sigil, fine imported fur in winter etc. Alternatively, he could be a backwater lord with his cloak of rougher stuff. Yeah, I knew you'd think that. The reason it's purple is because that's the color in the book I based the original historical fiction piece off of. I'm pretty sure the author knew what she was talking about, so perhaps it should have gold trim then. But he's not imperial. They're a sophisticated clan that does traffic with richer kingdoms -- and Vorgremar their father is big on status symbols.
George R.R. Martin does this sort of thing well (and I think you need a good dose of decent mediaevalist fantasy, it sounds like you've been hobnobbing with frighteningly inbred mainstream S&S far too long) (Hehe, yeah I have. Though not as much as you might think. I've a few Saxon, Scandinavian, and Celtic epics in my library I'm gonna start through soon.) especially with his world's equivalent of the Viking lords of Orkney.

:-) David Michael replies: "In the same vein, perhaps greenstone rather than emerald? Or make such a vast and far-travelled rare thing of wonder an object that makes the younger man sit up with true awe. All right, maybe emeralds are incredibly common here - if so, go on, show some about. How about a green beach like you get beaches of garnets or obsidian in certain places? Good points. I might settle on the greenstone instead of emerald. We'll see.

Soft steel gives me and my French mindset the impression of a pitifully floppy sword ("HA! I challenge you to a.. [droop]..oh, how embarrassing...")...How about something sharp but sneaky, like "his steely voice, subtle as a knife slipped between the ribs..."? Doh! I must not have been thinking clearly when I wrote that...I was trying to make his "sinister-ness" not too blatant, just kind of there. Dangerous fellow, but he wouldn't murder his lord. Not at this juncture, at least.[loves the seahawk metaphor, but thinks a more specific bird would set the climate. is thinking Orkney cormorants] This place needs climate setting...it feels Orcadian to me, it's too bright to feel English and not harsh and seeped in the cold memory of bloody ages of inter-tribal fighting to be home Scotland, and it's not raining, so it's not Wales...everyone seems pretty relaxed in the wind and the sunshine, and they live close enough to lizard folk to think of them so it's warm...there are bits of this, especially the Moorish-sounding names, that make me think Northern Spain. Not saying I think you should set things in northern Spain! ...however, a reference for climate always helps with weather, ecology etc. and stops one looking silly/freezing one's characters to death etc.You're right that it could use more climate setting. I'm not familiar with the Orkney islands except on a map, but I think I get what you mean. I'll probably try to make it more Welsh in the revision, with more mist and rain - since I've never been to Wales, I'd welcome tips on that line too! I'll have to figure out what to do with those lizardfolk, though...(wants monster group, but NOT orcs) And Vorgremar, Vortinas, and Guirhenthar sound Moorish? The first two are variants on Vortigern, and Guirhenthar I fashioned from names in Beowulf. I wasn't aware Moorish names were so like Germanic ones."
6 Oct 2007:-) Cecily ´SLWS´ Webster
Aw, 'course I liked it, otherwise I'd harumph and not comment.

Orkney - cold, bright, and too windy to have many trees. [laughs] Welsh weather is easy: raining, or about to rain. Sometimes it's sleety rain. I think getting a feel for Welsh forests would help you most there, since there's nothing worse in a setting with effort put in than someone trying to build up a Celticesque world and then sticking, say, lots of gum trees and Australasian magpies in it. [glare in the direction of Cecilia Dart-Thornton] An extreme case, but you get the idea. This guy http://www.elfwood.com/libr/p/a/papin/papin.html does great Welshish settings, complete with [scary chord] laverbread.

[wince] Don't demonise an entire race offhand, even Tolkien had some sympathy for his orcs...just give them conflicting ideals/desires with the human population and watch the sparks. Example: I have a race of humanoid lizards, vampiric, highly venomous, without values of family - all thngs humans dislike, though natural - but they're not randomly spiteful, or in league with their realm's equivalent of the devil, and they're dying out because humans want to settle as much of my alternate-America as possible and are encroaching on their desert homeland with livestock. Which they kill, because it's easier than chasing wallabies. Which makes 'Snake-hunting' males, females and little ones a legitimate human job, and boots of sentient creatures' skin commonplace. No 'bad' side to it, see? Just things being what they are.
Besides, a race of lizardfolk can be absoloutely wonderful fun to work with, because the coold blood issue alone changes so much.
Shades of grey make a story interesting. All the shades painted in with equal vibrancy, black, white, green, blue, pink and purple, make it feel real. Another recommendation here: Guy Gavriel Kay.

Vogremar is less so, that sounds more Baltic. [shrug]
Rightright.

58 David Michael replies: "Well I still have orcs in my world, they're a very convenient monster race and will definitely stay around in some form or another. However, I've recently decided to do away with the "Dark Lord/Satan" character who was harboring all of them, not just because everyone has a Dark Lord these days but because he was increasingly irrelevant to the stories I wanted to tell. Lizardfolk present interesting possibilities too, like you said, which is why I threw them in here. I've more tropical areas west of Tabid-Ar where they normally live, but not all lizards live in warm wet areas (plenty live in N. American forests).Thanks for the climate tips, though! I'll definitely make use of them (though Wales sounds just as I'd expected, haha)."
10 Nov 2007:-) Doug Kosik
I would say it's more than an attempt. First person is hard me to continue for too long. I am an inexperienced writer, but my solution is to have dramatic and meaningful passages in first person,then drift back into a third person narrative to continue the plot till first person is needed again. I don't know if this is kosher in this type of writing, but it has worked well for me. You are an excellent writer. I am not, but hopefully creativity and experience will make up for it. I would be honored if you would take a peek at what I have been working on and make some suggestions

:-) David Michael replies: "Thank you for the comment. I generally think of myself as a third-person writer, which is why it's kind of ironic that half my posted material is first-person (2 stories, 2 poems). I'm taking a fiction-writing course right now where I'm exploring how the two perspectives can be used, maybe in the same story. I'd be happy to take a look at your writing and comment. We're all learning here, every one of us."
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