This was written in about half an hour, while I was putting off a massive midterm due the next day. Surprisingly, most of it flowed out exactly as is, with minimal revision. Obviously, it's inspired by the story of Goethe's Faust, with a magical twist. It's deliberately supposed to be hectic, as if written by someone frantically going mad with fear and guilt, and thus the rhyming is all over the place and the rhythm is rather chantlike, though not particularly strict. Try reading it aloud, stringing as many lines together in one breath as you can. It is meant to be somewhat melodramatic, but I hope there's a lesson to be learned, buried somewhere beneath those ridiculous hackneyed couplets.
What moves a man so wickedly so
that, for some power, he would sell
his one and only precious soul!
For him the bells of Hell shall toll!
They’ll drag him down that torturous well,
The gaping maw, the dragon’s throat,
They’ll all be there to laugh and gloat!
“What fool,” They’ll say, “this mortal is,
who thinks that freedom knows no bounds,
that laws are just for slaves and hounds!
Why, he’d rather think of nothing than
of why he thinks at all!”
Ah, the fool, now he’s a thrall!
No warlock magic can break this wall.
No freedom had from evil spells.
No compact with the Lord of Hells.
He chose it, true, this ghastly fate!
Had he but known, had he been warned!
Ah, but no, the fool, he had.
He’d shunned the wisdom of old men,
he’d scorned the Elven counsels and then,
he’d even mocked – secure, he thought
in the magic and spells he’d bought
with the fibers from his very soul –
he’d mocked the dragonking, who’d said,
“Come now, man, and hear me through!
Do not forget who’s master of you!
For though you cast forth bolts of light,
‘twas someone Else who made the night!
And though you make all kinds of things
to float and hover without wings,
you did not write all Nature’s laws,
you do not know who is their Cause.”
He spat, the fool, at dragon’s feet!
(and promptly fled from thunderous roar)
But ‘twas not long before They found
me trying to raise a demon hound.
“We’ve noticed,” said They, “how fond you seem
of dark and dirty evil things.
It’s stained and twisted and burned you so
that we think you’ll fit in quite well Below.”
O evil wizards who think they need
not listen to the dragon's rede!
Be careful since you didn’t make
those laws which you intend to break.
I enjoyed the poem and the message between the lines were well said. I really can't offer any constructive criticism, as I know nothing about poetry. I've never attempted one, and to be honest, am quite fearful of them. *shivers uncontrollably* David Michael replies: "Hey, thanks! Glad my "advertisement" paid off. +) Yeah, poems can be intimidating, especially if you try to keep either rhyme or rhythm (which this one wreaks havoc with!). But sometimes a phrase just strikes you oddly, with a near hypnotic philosophical lilt to it, and then you've just got to finish it and see where it takes you..."
17 May 2007
Ceril_the_wanderer
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This one DEFINITELY gets that frantic feeling going...I can hear some man's voice, half-growling (but growling is the wrong word....) it as he paces or runs. David Michael replies: "*DUM...DUM...Dum* "What is it, Gandalf?" "Drums...drums in the deep." Thanks again! Now if I can only get the Lone Knight to comment here..."
23 May 2007
L. Shanra Kuepers
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of dark and dirty evil things. < Oh, well. This is my favourite stanza, really. I really, really enjoyed this. I loved the message in this and the truth of it. I think this is largely where my sense of amusement came from. *shakes head* I'm just an odd little creature, I am. *ahem* In any case, even though there were a few lines that I severe disliked, I loved this poem. ^-^ I loved the sense of urgency and the way you can read it both ways. You can read it as a non-humorous poem, I think. I just... don't. Not sure I can explain why. David Michael replies: "Ah, well. I fear that's all I'm good for right now. Hope you'll find some use in my rambling. Apologies if I came across as too harsh.Well, it's not really a list, see; "dark and dirty" modifies "evil things." He hasn't done some dark things, some dirty things, and some evil things, he's done some evil things that are also dark and dirty. That help? I'm pretty sure it's correct for that meaning.You're right about needing the comma with the vocative. I won't put a comma after "wizards" though, just to preserve the relative clause as it is (since I think it is one, if my Latin grammar has helped me any).No apologies necessary, friend. Your amusement is understood, as that was a desired reaction. There are parts of it I still don't like myself, but it's not a serious piece. Anyway, thanks much for commenting, I really appreciate it!"
23 May 2007
L. Shanra Kuepers
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Aha! It works. Let's see if it works long enough.
First off, I loved the overall feeling of this poem. I love how unforced the rhymes at the end were and how well the enjambment worked. I loved how easily it read, how fast it read, how vivid it was. I loved the brokenness of the lines and the way the whole poem even manages to come as... funny. I'm sure there's a term for that. In Dutch it'd be 'galgenhumor', I think, or 'gallow's humour' in a literal translation. It just ticked all the right boxes for me.
(Yes, it's overall first, nits later this time. Consistency is not my forté, I fear.)
What I have problems with, however, are very small things that throw me out of the piece entirely. Could be me, though. Anyway, I'll be going through this line by line with things that struck me for good or for bad.
No freedom had from evil spells. <- I really, really like the sound of that line. 'tis just perfect.
secure, he thought[,] in the magic <- syntactically, you do need the comma. I know it's a poem, but my opinion is that if you're using punctuation at all, you have to adhere to all the rules that come with it and can't be bent. As it stands now, you're saying he thinks in the magic, when you mean that he's 'secure in magic'. If it's supposed to have that ambiguous reading, it doesn't work since the former sentence doesn't make any sense. You'd have to rephrase it entirely.
Do not forget who’s master of you! <- I've an issue with the rhythm here, since it feels off. I think it's the stress pattern of 'who's master' that bothers me. 'Who is master'? I don't think it'd really break the frantic, chanting feel of the poem, but that's a matter of personal opinion, I think. It does work the way it stands, anyway. *shakes head*
And[,] though you make all kinds of things to float and hover without wings, <- in subclauses like this, if you're going to include a comma at the end, you need to include a comma at the beginning as well. Either two or none, but one is wrong. I've yet to get the rule hammered into my head well enough to tell people why, but all the same.
(and promptly fled from thunderous roar[.]) <- I'm chalking the 'and' down to personal preference, and it looks better that way anyway; connects the two lines more. That nitted, I do really like the line. ^-^ It seems very rare to me to find a piece that uses interjections like this and having them work. But this does.
(cont) David Michael replies: "Ah, you are very detailed! I am grateful...though I wish I could get this kind of constructive commentary on my more serious, worthy works. I'm glad you liked it overall - the humorous slant (dark as it is) was intentional. "Galgenhumor," eh? I'll have to remember that. You're right about the punctuation in those cases. It was written rather sloppily, as the description says. I think I'll keep the "who's master" instead of "who is master" just because the latter sounds too awkwardly formal - but then I grant that the line in general is rather awkward and doesn't quite jive with the rest. I'm also not too happy with "Why, he'd rather think of nothing than / of why he thinks at all!" Want to keep the sentiment, but it's not expressed very smoothly. I dunno. In an un-uploaded version, I changed "thunderous roar" at the end to "claws and teeth," to half-rhyme with "feet.""
I like the hectic feeling that comes across here. And the last line was especially good. The whole poem does express the wizard's regret. Great work!! ^^ David Michael replies: "Thanks, glad you liked it!"
I'm not a technical expert... but I think that if the imagery is clear and the reader enjoys the work... it's a success... as is the case here! Smiles - Wendy David Michael replies: "Just my luck you pick the least serious piece to read first... Thanks for the comment though! I'm glad you liked it - this one is supposed to have a sort of darkly comic bent."
I thoroughly enjoyed this cautionary tale, with its lively rhythm and dry, sly humour. One of the best pieces in your library. David Michael replies: "Thanks for all your kind comments! I'm glad you liked this. Hopefully there will be more humor in my library before too long."
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