SciFi and Fantasy Stories: Two Heroes Against Microsoft Word

Thunder rolled across the air. The duellists faced each other, glowering through the rain with undiluted hate. Harimall the barbarian, tall, muscular, built like a stack of barrels, called out a challenge to Rinfank the Red, weaselly assassin of decadent Thongatt: "Bring it on, thou puppet! The wicked lord of the city falleth tonight!"
Rinfank plucked at his slim blade with delicate fingers, testing the edge, teasing the smouldering giant. "Dear adversary," he began, then whirled around.
"It looks like you're writing a letter!" The apparition chirped in tones of brainless willingness to serve. Rinfank stared. The demon was like unto a great round rectangle of double-bended wire with pale eyeballs suspended in nothingness. Eyebrows waggled suggestively held up by thin air.
Rinfank kept his cool with an effort. "I'm not writing a letter, I'm fighting a duel. Go away."
To his surprise and relief, the giant paperclip became very small and vanished. Harimall was advancing up the slope. He collected his thoughts and began again. "Dear adversary..."
"It looks like you're writing a letter!"
Rinfank exchanged glances with his enemy, who was backing away from the demon. "I am not writing a letter! What do you want?"
"Would you like help?" The paperclip said happily, although, disturbingly, no mouth was to be seen.
Rinfank raised an eyebrow, then ever quick to take advantage asked: "Do you want my soul?"
"Soul format does not exist," the demon said philosophically "Would you like to customise format?"
"What?" Harimall lunged at Rinfank while the smaller man was distracted but dot he dot was dot soon dot slowed dot down dot by dot the dot apparition dot of dot thousands dot of dot incredibly dot irritating dot black dot spheres dot that dot seemed dot to dot invade dot his dot very dot speech dot as dot he dot cried dot out:
"Paragraph! What dot happeneth dot here dot? We dot are dot bespelled!!!"
"Paragraph dot dot dot dot dot dot" said dot Rinfank, dot reeling.
"Paragraph off?" Enquired the demon paperclip.
"Paragraph yes!" roared the barbarian, going slightly mad. Seeing the dots were gone, he smiled and stepped back a space. "Paragraph What dot the dot?!"
"Paragraph off!" Rinfank waved his arms about and glared.
"The creature tormenteth us." Harimall growled, then leapt backwards finding that there was a red squiggle beneath him. "What sorcery be this?"
"Harimall," the paperclip stated blithely "do you mean Hairball, Airmail, Aerial, Her malls?"
"It insults you, barbarian," Rinfank smirked, then found a red squiggle beneath himself and the monster bouncing helpfully across.
"Rinfank - do you mean Infant, Infancy, Ratfink, Ranfagni?"
Harimall burst out laughing, then barely resisted the push of some monstrous force attempting to turn him into Hairball. He scowled and hefted Singblade. "I say we send it back whence it cameth," he said to Rinfank, who hasd resisted a similar attempt to turn him into Ratfink.
"Agreed."
"Die, fiend!" Together the two champions lunged at the giant paperclip.
"Fragment! Consider revising!" the creature said guilelessly as the two bested it and began to twist and hack it into filings. At last the thing was truly murdered.

THIS PROGRAM HAS COMMITTED AN ILLEGAL OPPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN

Everything went dark.

Eventually, Rinfank cleared his throat. "It's over."
"It seemeth that way," Harimall's deep voice admitted.
"Do you remember anything of what happened before we got here?"
"we were fighting...it seemeth vague..."
"Forget it. Let's go down the pub. This way, I think." [footsteps, fading] "and why do you talk like that?"
"Ith a speech impedement."
"Oh, okay..."