Angry war cries split the tranquillity of the glade, shrieking out from contorted mouths to ring loudly in a set of pointed elven ears. With a casualness that belied her interest, Ariel watched the barbarians charge. The jagged remains of her longsword sat idle in her hand, tip down, oblivious to the wall of fury and muscle bearing down on her. It was strange how desperate they seemed to prove themselves, she thought, as one of the fanatical warriors singled her out from her companions.
Long braided hair streamed out like a series of banners as the barbarians rushed forward, their tattooed faces twisting into fierce masks of unrelenting hatred. But the Pryde of the Banshee’s Loft had faced far more formidable enemies and had emerged victorious, despite their extreme youth. Ariel had no doubt they would again.
Confidently, she met her opponent’s war cry with one of her own- a spontaneous melody that seemed to wave together the raucous sounds of battle around her, heightening Ariel’s awareness of her situation. Her opponent was drawing close now, enough so that Ariel could see the bruises that he had suffered through recent trials. His longsword- whole, unlike hers- was held firmly overhead in two hands, ready for a massive downward blow.
No doubt it was a strike that would have removed her from the fight had it landed, Ariel conceded, stepping easily aside at the last minute to avoid the attack. The hardened muscles that corded the barbarian’s arms gave mute testimony to his sheer strength- a strength Ariel may have matched, despite her slight frame. But although she was unusually strong for her form, her greatest advantage was the speed and fluidity of her movements. Her rhythm and grace had oft been referred to as striking, even among her own kind, and it was this that aided her now.
Poised perfectly on the balls of her feet, she pivoted as the barbarian charged past, her broken blade arcing out with the momentum of the movement to slice eagerly at the back of his neck.
But to Ariel’s surprise, her strike missed its intended target, as her opponent halted, spun and charged into her attack with a speed she had not expected. Instead the serrated edge of her long sword bit deep, tearing with appalling ease between collar bone and neck, through jugular, muscle, wind pipe and oesophagus, severing his head with one clean and startlingly quick blow.
Shocked, the song that had rung out so merrily from her lips died instantly, as the corpse that stood before her collapsed at her feet, spewing out a warm red torrent from the fatal wound. Silence swiftly descended over the glade and when Ariel wildly looked about her she discovered that the battle had come to a complete standstill, with both barbarians and children of the Banshee’s Loft staring at her in mute horror and accusation.
Only one looked on her with pity in his eyes. For a single moment, an expression of sympathy crossed the half hidden features of the Master of the Banshee’s Loft. Then that too was gone, buried under cold neutrality as if the fleeting emotion never existed.
Bloodied sword slipping from nerveless fingers, Ariel turned and fled the training ground of the Furies’ Heart.
WOW...what can I say...I was riveted and even got a bit sick to my stomach when I realized that she accidently killed him in in a training battle...it was soooo unexpected. I don't even have a crit for you...it was a great prologue...now I'll have to bookmark your page and come back when I have time to read the rest of her story. Great job! *smiles* Elizabeth Fitzgerald replies: "Thank you. I really wanted to make it a surprise and it's great to know it had such an impact- I'm so hopeless when it comes to being objective about my own work. I hope that you enjoy the rest of the story equally as much!"
Very interesting. I liked the twist at the end. The only thing i could critic is that one action scene. I think if it were a bit more tense, then the twist would have even more impact. Elizabeth Fitzgerald replies: "Any suggestions on adding tension? And did it make you want to read the rest?"
Whooo, Elizabeth this is cool. Although from the moment she cut the guys head off I knew it was a training exercise. Still, wonderful descriptive writing, I really like your style.
PS - I'm procrasinating effectively. If you get writers block (mines deminishing but I'm going to wait until I have full idea of how to get around this story roadblock before I tackle it) come back to my library, I have updates in the works.
NaNoWriMo RULES Elizabeth Fitzgerald replies: "Indeed it does!Managed not to procrastinate too much and got everything finished in good time. I still have your page bookmarked, so once I whittle down my enormous pile of reading I shall certainly be back!"
Hello again, me dear! Now that I have all of your stand alone pieces under my belt, now I can sink my teeth into this work in progress of yours. ^_~
*dives in*
"The jagged remains of her longsword sat idle in her hand, tip down, oblivious to the wall of fury and muscle bearing down on her." sounds like it is the longsword that is oblivious to the wall of fury and muscle. You meant Ariel, yes? Elizabeth Fitzgerald replies: "Ooo... you're right. Seems this is going to need yet more editing! *cracks out her giant red marker of DOOM (tm)*"
I don't much like elves, but this prorogue seems to work. I rather like the story, but find myself liking elves less. Very few can do that lately. I applaud you. Good cess and whatnot. Elizabeth Fitzgerald replies: "Thank you! I guess elves are a bit of an acquired taste."
Hello. I found you somewhere on a tour and thought I'd return for a good read. I thoroughly enjoyed this one. You really pull the reader in and then sort of give them a slap in the face with the ending. I'm definitely hooked.
In reference to a commentor above, stating that you needed more details of her surroundings. I don't agree. Part of the charm that sucks in the reader is the fact that there's only this "battle" going on. Almost as if in this warrior's mind there is nothing but her and her opponent. I liked the focus. Well done.
*Miss Sassypants* Elizabeth Fitzgerald replies: "Thank you very much! It's always such a pleasure to have new readers along. Feel free to email me if you 'd like to be added to the mailing list."
I finished up Joelle's ex-novella today, so here I am to start again on this lovely tale of yours! *dives in*
"The jagged remains of her longsword sat [idle] in her hand, tip down, oblivious to the wall of fury and muscle bearing down on her." Should that be "idly," maybe? The adverb form, to modify the verb "sat", I think...
*grins* I've missed reading about Ariel!
"No doubt it was a strike that would have removed her from the fight had it landed, Ariel conceded, stepping easily aside at the last minute to avoid the attack." This is just a suggestion, but perhaps changing "last minute" to "last moment" would give more strength to the fact that she waited until just in the nick of time to move away? A "minute" in a battle is an awfully long time... ^_~
I like your descriptions of Ariel... the grace of her, even in battle...
Gah... a second time, that terrible thing caught me unawares! That just shows how well it is handled ^_^ *shivers slightly* Heheh, I couldn't help but chuckle when you almost made Joelle gag on her cracker when she read a part of your story in livejournal. The description of that was so strong that, if I had been munching on a cracker, I probably would have gagged, too! ^_^
Let's see how far into this story I can get before my allergy medicine kicks in and knocks me out for the night! *hugs* Elizabeth Fitzgerald replies: "Hey, gorgeous. Nice to see you back again and very pleased to hear you liked it as much the second time around (and was equally as shocked). I think I mentioned to Alyssa that I never expected anyone to actually want to read this story. In a way I'm still not sure what I want to do with it--whether it's worth going back and polishing it all up or whether I just chalk it up to good experience and move on to something new.At any rate, it will probably get a bit of an edit, since I plan to keep it up here for a while longer. So thank you for the feedback.I hope you feel better soon."
Hello, Beth! This might be a little bit of a surprise, but I spent the last few days rereading 'Awakening' and now I'm here to comment. I can't believe it's already almost three years since I started this story--my memory was certainly due a refresher. Anyway, no nitpicking this time around, just general remarks. =)
The fittingness of having this scene as the prologue (aside from its obvious drama and 'hook') is even more evident after having read the entire tale. I also appreciate the reference to Ariel's song here, a sort of forshadowing of the song she hears later on. That and the Lionar's appearance make for three threads that weave the tale together. Well done!
29 Jun 2007
L. Shanra Kuepers
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'ello. ^-^ Finally made it to this piece, although it'll undoubtedly take a while to get to the end of it. (You're warned of that!) I won't be nitting much on the grammatical side of things for the moment. Mostly since these pieces are already quite old.
in mute horror and accusation. <- This could be that I've no experience with such situations, but surely everyone there knows such accidents are bound to happen no matter how many precautions you take. They're simulating a real battle with real weapons. (Also, surely that means the characters would have cuts as well as bruises.)
Grip aside, though, I <i>loved</i> the twist with the training session. I really, really liked the kick my perceptions got in that bit. WTH? about sums up my reaction to having everyone stop. It was a wonderful touch. It's something that could easily fall flat, but yours didn't. That was wonderful. ^-^
I did find the action descriptions a little much, but that's because I just don't like them. No need to worry about them on my account. I really liked the grit that stayed in there and the half-there sense that I got. The prologue had a very present 'hands-on' approach while still keeping a part of Ariel aloof from the physical contact (which was a great touch, really. The focus here works incredibly well). It reads like she can just react to things on instinct and let her mind wander a touch.
And I've a feeling I've just stopped making sense... In any case, I quite liked this! ^-^ Sets up a nice set of questions about what's going on, what will happen and why they will. If this is any indication, I'll enjoy myself with reading this. ^-^
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