SciFi and Fantasy Stories
Printer Version
    

'Homecoming Chapter 1'


 
 

WritingsProfileFavorites
Click For MoreDocument 3 out of 13 by Kaeli Grotz.

SciFi and Fantasy Stories: Homecoming Chapter 1

I’ve made some slight changes to the part of Chapter 1 that was originally posted, and added two new scenes. To those who have already read the beginning bit, just reading the new parts should be enough to avoid confusion, but if you want to reread it all, I’m not gonna complain. ^^

This is possibly one of the darkest things I’ve written in years. It started out as a short piece for my English Exam portfolio and has snowballed into something quite different. I can’t tell if I like it or not


    Main Category: [Modern Fantasy]
    Sub-categories: [Wizards, Priests, Druids, Sorcerers, Spellcasters]

Tag As FavoriteComment  Add Bookmark

 
 

The graffitied walls of the underground tunnel came into focus as the train clattered to a halt. It looked like any other grimy train station in any other filthy Sector Seven city. But it wasn't. This was The City. His city. Tabriur.

Home. Am I supposed to be feeling something?

With feline agility, Falkner picked himself out of the cracked orange plastic chair and swept past the warped metal doors, cloak swishing behind him. The sound of his boots seemed deafening in the empty station. Tabriur's citizens never dared brave the train tunnels after dusk. That much had not changed.

A bedraggled drifter slid out of the shadow behind a concrete pillar. A knife glinted in the sickly flickering fluorescent lights.

He rasped, "You must be new here. Don't you know it's dangerous to be out at night? But don't worry mate. Hand over your wallet quiet like and I won't slit your throat."

"I don't think so."

The drifter took a step back in surprise at Falkner's manic grin. With one fluid movement the latter reached into his shirt pocket, throwing a small glass bottle he kept for occasions like these. He turned to go, laughing as the drifter clawed frantically at the acid eating into his eyes.

"Fool. Don't you know it's dangerous to be out at night?" Falkner mimicked, with an ugly look on his face.

Leaving behind the drifter's tortured wails, he climbed the corroded spiral staircase - up and out of the dingy subterranean heat and into the smoggy surface heat. His feet guided him instinctively down steaming streets while his thoughts were preoccupied with the deed to be fulfilled that night.

They say homecoming is always the hardest. After the isolation of life on the road, an assassin could go crazy in the claustrophobic confines of his old city, his cold-blooded resolve softened by the eyes of past lovers, his mettle weakened by the sights and smells of old haunts.

As he passed the Green Dragon on the corner of Main Street, the aroma of fresh noodles and old grease assaulted his senses. Subconsciously he shrugged it off, his mind on higher things.

Shegala's thugs used to meet there. Probably still do, he thought. Scourge of the Shadows, they had called him. A sinister smirk spread over his face as he imagined her reaction if she knew he was back, if she even knew that he was still alive. She was spared that terror, for then at least; he had more important business. The business of the Wizards of Hestrod.

Ahead of him, there was a hooker on the corner. She looked up with half-hearted hope as he approached.

"Looking for a good time, mister?"

"I doubt I'll get it from you." Falkner barely spared her a glance. She didn't look older than sixteen and she reeked of floral perfume. He kept walking. She flipped her middle finger at his retreating back.

"Jerk."

The garish neon of the bar district gave way to the menacing side alleys of lower downtown. Falkner followed the cracked pavement, lit erratically by the streetlights that had not been smashed. The jagged windowpanes of the apartments were mostly dark, only a few illuminated by the paint-can fires of the homeless. These familiar sights dredged the painful mire of memory, unburying things in Falkner best forgotten.

He is eleven. Hiding behind a dumpster. His hair is wet with rain. The stranger's face is pockmarked. Falkner tries to spear a broken bottle into the fork of the stranger's legs. He simply steps aside and laughs.

"Close, but no cigar, boy. But I can teach you. Oh, the things I can teach you! How would you like to be an assassin?"

He is fourteen. His first kill. She is young, beautiful, ambitious. Too ambitious. The Wizards of Hestrod want her dead. So she dies. His blade and his hands are wet and sticky with her arterial blood.

He is sixteen. Trembling in his hard narrow bed, dreading the footsteps in the hall. His face is wet with shameful tears. He clutches his dagger in a clammy fist. The iron door opens. The pockmarked face leers over his. He drives the dagger into a hateful eye.

He is seventeen. Packing his haversack. His clothes are wet with someone else's urine. The smell is choking. He slips his dagger into his belt. He boards the train, never to return.

Until now.

He had reached his destination, an unremarkable street, indistinguishable from all the others that smelled of rotting cabbage and human waste. The building could have been any of Tabriur's ramshackle structures occupied by only vagrants. But it wasn't.

His emotionless eyes appraised the mark of Hestrod on the flimsy door, drips of red paint visible only to him. He knew what it meant, what he had to do.

He knocked. Seconds later the mutilated door opened and a wizened grey head appeared. Pockmarks were still visible through the wrinkles of the man's face. One filmy eye brightened in recognition, the other a mass of scar tissue.

"Falkner my dear boy! I knew you would return. Come ins-" Whatever else he had been about to say was choked off in a wet gurgle as his throat was slit.

Later, as he wiped the blood off his blade, Falkner thought darkly, So this is what happens to the servants who turn against the Wizards of Hestrod.

Outside the mark on the door turned to black and faded slowly.

***

Amber rubbed her hands together, trying to get the blood circulating through her frozen fingers. Dressed only in a miniskirt and white halter-neck top, she was ill-equipped to deal with the cold night. The street steamed around her sandaled feet and her legs were turning blue under her ripped fishnet stockings. She hunched closer to the building, hoping for some shelter from the wind.

Most of the other girls were too out of their skulls on drugs to notice the cold, but Amber had only been walking the streets for a few months and she still clung to her ideals. Getting addicted and spending all her food money on drugs was not part of the plan.

Skye and Nikita had gone off with clients, leaving her alone. Only one man had passed in the last hour and he had been rude to her.

Better rude than violent, she supposed pragmatically.

Just then she heard footsteps around the corner. She hitched her skirt up higher and put on her best business face.

"Well, hello there, mister. I've-"

A hand clamped over her mouth and she felt the tip of a knife blade on her throat.

"Hello, Lady Amber." The voice was low with menace. "The Wizards of Hestrod are very keen to meet you."

Amber's panicked mind was empty of all thoughts, save one. They've found me. It whirled around and around inside her head. They've found me. Oh please, no!

"You thought you could run from them, didn't you? Well, you were wrong, Lady Amber. So wrong. I'm going to take my hand away from your mouth now, but if you scream, I will kill you. Don't doubt that for a single second. Understood?"

Amber nodded, gingerly, still conscious of the knife near her neck. The hand withdrew, the knife did not.

"Good. And as for your two charming lady friends, my colleagues are taking very good care of them. Try to struggle, and life will become a lot more unpleasant for them."

Amber bit back her protest and allowed herself to be dragged around the corner. I can't let them hurt Skye and Nikita.

Her concern for her friends was misplaced; hardened by life on the streets, they could more than take care of themselves, but she still suffered from the childish notion that their fate was in her hands.

I have no choice.

***

He is eleven. Hiding behind a dumpster. His hair is wet with rain. The stranger's face is pockmarked. Falkner tries to spear a broken bottle into the fork of the stranger's legs. He simply steps aside and laughs.

"Close, but no cigar, boy. But I can teach you. Oh, the things I can teach you! How would you like to be an assassin?"

Falkner had run away. For good this time.

As usual, his stepfather had been beating his mother. As usual, the man was drunk. And as usual, the fight started over Falkner.

"Angela, you have to report him. His kind are a danger to society. You can't just allow monsters to roam free."

"How can you say that! He's not a monster. He's my son! Please don't ask me to turn him in, you know what they'll do to him."

"Either you report him to the authorities or I will. Make your choice."

"I can't. Please understand that. I cannot take my only child to have a brand burnt into his face that will mark him as a freak for the rest of his life."

"He is a freak. Just like his father."

"How dare you! James was twice the man you'll ever be!"

Screaming obscenities, he hit her, knocking her onto the floor.

Falkner, who was watching from the top of the stairs, ran down to help his mother. He got a punch to the face and a kick in the stomach for his pains. Angela struggled to her feet, shielding her son with her body. As the blows rained down on her, she managed to say the one word that mattered.

"Run!"

Falkner ran. He ran until he collapsed, exhausted and unable to move. He crouched there, behind a dumpster, hating his stepfather, hating the world, but above all, hating himself.

If he kills her this time, it will be my fault. Why did I have to be born different?

That was when Scarrow found him.

 
 

©Kaeli Grotz. All rights reserved!

DateNameComment 
29 Apr 2006:-) Matthew J. Hillary
First thing I can say? I like.

I have to ask though: in regards to the name of your main character and style of writing, you a William Faulkner fan or is that just coincidence?

Only novel I read of his was Light in August (for an american lit class), and the only thing that made it worthwhile was the style of writing (starting in one point, jumping back, catching up, jumping back again, each time from a different person's perspective).

Anyhow, good stuff. I was gonna work on my writing a bit since I got home from work (I get home late), but wasn't in the mood. Finally had a chance to read though. I'll try to come back for chapter 2.

Oh, and the broken structure was well done. The italisized words were used great too. *goes and looks up William Faulkner on Wikipedia* Wow. I'd only even vaugely heard of him, never mind read any of his work. But, jeez, that is a scary coincidence.Hehe, we've all been there with the procrastinatory reading when we should be writing, but I'm glad you did get a chance to check out my li'l story. Thank you for your kind comment, and I hope to see you back soon.It's back to school on Tuesday, and I haven't started my mountain of holiday homework, so it may take me a while to get over to your shelf, but it's definitely on my to-do list. Thanks again!
11 May 200645 L. Shanra Kuepers
Falkner[,] my dear boy Great, will do.hour[,] and he had been rude to her.

withdrew, the knife Drat. I really hoped that introducing the scene with the relevant bit of previous flashback would make it clear that that’s what it was. Oh well, you win some you lose some. Back to the drawing board. And the floating voices will be fixed in the rewrite. To be honest with you, I don't think this is up to par with the rest of your work the way it stands. You have an interesting world idea here, a potentially interesting character with a potentially interesting plot and one intruiging character with equally intruiging plot (Amber), your own style remains evident (which is absolutely lovely), but this doesn't grab. Amber is the only character I really got a feel for, which is fine really. I quite like the distance between me and Falkner in the first paragraph. Adds mystery to him.

I can see this going far very easily, but it isn't yet. I really like the potential in it. I like Amber and her story line. I may love to hate Falkner, but I can't say for sure knowing so little of the character. I enjoyed the imagery and the atmosphere. But I didn't get that 'I love this!' of the other stories. It's not that I don't like dark stories (mine like that every now and again), nor is it that you can't handle them ('cause you can), but it's just... this isn't of the same quality as the rest. If you're anything like me, you'll be polishing this up in a twelfth rewrite, so just finish it first. ^-~ *hinthint* A crappy finished story is still better than a perfect unfinished beginning. Since your work doesn't fall under 'crappy' by a long shot, you should be set. ^-~ Finish this story. *pokes* And the others.I came to the realisation that if I wasn’t writing this story, it wouldn’t be the kind of thing I’d read. Which is not the greatest thing to recommend it. >_< And, especially at this point, I was a little hesitant with the whole darkness of it, but I think I’m improving as I go, so hopefully I may yet win you over. Thanks for the helpful crits.
11 May 200645 L. Shanra Kuepers
The City I used the ‘The’ to try and emphasise that it should be pronounced ‘thee.’ Maybe italics would just have been better. But don't worry[,] mate

heat and into the smoggy surface heat. I did the heat heat intentionally to emphasise that it was, well, hot. The subterranean and the surface heats just being elements of the same thing, or something. I guess I’ll have to ponder this more at some point. Flashback aren't working for me. In part because it's present tense that, for me, doesn't work well. Present tense is hard, and the short fragmented sentences really don't help it read any smoother or better. I'm sorry, but it really only succeeds in driving me away from the story instead of making me more interested in Falkner. It could do the latter, but it would require a massive overhaul. Right now, instead of "what's the story behind these fragments of time?" I'm with left "Infodump! GAH!"

If you had a thought that focused on just one period and not as clearly as it does here, it would work much better for me. This really is little more than a glorified infodump on Falkner's past that doesn't make him half as intruiging as dispensing the information would be.Point taken, I’ll rethink it at some stage.
29 May 200645 Desi
I like this story; you built up the dark atmosphere very well. I also like the flashbacks because they feel like an actual memory instead of a recount from the outside. I think it's good that you don't straight out explain everything, this keeps more information for later chapters and also keeps the readers "hooked" instead of finding out everything at once.
Hehe... as many others have said, it makes me want to read the rest! hahaha...Wow, all I can really say is thanks so much!
19 Jun 2006:-) Noah lane
ack! sorry about the nasty in the comment. I try and fix that from now on.It's fixed, I hope.
19 Jun 2006:-) Noah lane
First, some picking and poking at the fiddly bits here.

In the beginning, we see Falkner using his feline grace to pick himself out of a thoroughly abused orange chair. Could we say something more descriptive than pick? I know its more than a little ‘picky’ of me, but I think a better feel would come out of some more description. Is he flowing out of that chair or is he almost levitating out with a dancer’s grace?
Absolutely. I tend to forget to use stronger verbs, and being reminded really helps. When I've finally finished this, I shall go through with a fine-tooth comb and make better use of occasions such as these.When Scarrow starts talking to Falkner-the-lad, I get the feeling that his speech is a bit rushed. Is this intentional? That last sentence especially seems to need some distance from the rest of the speech. After all, one does not go about pushing apprenticeships in the killing arts without a little bit of forethought, a weighing of the evidence.
Excellent point. This is one of those occasions where I am making something happen merely because the plot requires it to, rather than because the character has a genuine motivation to do so. I shall definitely have to think of a reason that Scarrow wants to take in Falkner. One possible reason is that Falkner is a very pretty little lad (another detail that I’ve forgotten to weave in at any point) and Scarrow is a sexual predator. I don’t think training Falkner was really his primary motivation, but I gloss so dreadfully over that aspect of the story throughout, that it’s not very clear.

It’ll take some reworking though; I intended the flashbacks as a sort of “Greatest Hits” package – only small pieces of what stand out most in Falkner’s mind at the time – but I certainly don’t want to make it seem to rushed. Ahh, yes, more work for the rewrite.In the paragraph where ‘he had reached his destination,’ watch out for the past perfect/past tense trap. You’ve got the ‘had,’ up front but the ‘wasn’t,’ later seems to trip that up a bit. With the nice flow you’ve already got going, that part seems to stumble. You don’t have to delete the ‘had,’- I can see its purpose here- but make it more explicit maybe? Like letting the reader know that while his mind was wandering, his feet had already taken him where he wanted to go.
I’ll play around with my options, thanks for pointing this out.Now that I’ve needled you with my incessant carping, I can tell you I like what I’ve read so far. I get the feeling that Falkner isn’t quite the bad guy’s bad guy. Granted, he kills without compunction. But I get the feeling he is doing that to avoid something else in himself (like his abused past for example). Amber has some draw as an interesting character, as well. Keep up the good work!*dances happily* Yay, critty commentses! This is the exact kind of comment I love, thank you so much for your time. You have a very good read on Falkner, and I’m glad you enjoyed.(See, a proper reply. Better late than never, I suppose.)
5 Jul 2006:-) Liz Verde
Ooooo, the suspense mounts! *Jumps around happily* yay, I'm finally getting around to reading more of your work, I'm sorry I haven't done it sooner, was a little bit busy with work there for a while, but now I'm back, and you'll probably regret that, lol! I love the different mix of characters you have put in this, a very intruiging combination and it's going to be interesting to see how this all comes together! 1 Can't wait!Are you kidding? I love commentses!Glad you like it. =D
6 Jul 2006:-) H. Coyne
Much better than the first draft in that it's easier to understand and more telling of the character. There are some muddled parts in tha narrative though. It took me a little bit to realize the later part with the stepfather was a flashback. Maybe it could fit in with the original one at the top and you end with the scene with Angela. Might have a better sense of transition. Well done descriptively.Glad you found it improved!The flashbacks are getting an overhaul in the (eventual) rewrite, but, for now, I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do with them, so all suggestions are welcomed.Thanks, H dearest.
8 Jul 2006:-) Cecily ´SLWS´ Webster
"feline agility, Falkner picked himself out of the cracked orange plastic chair and swept past the warped metal doors, cloak swishing behind him."
Okay, to get rid of the feline agility cliche I find it's easiest to decide wht your hero's most like and use that. If he really is catlike, you can get in colour descriptions here as well, like "Falkner slipped through the train doors like an alley cat's shadow, dark and feline, his cloak whisking behind like the impudent flick of a tail." Well, the gross and inappropriate feline metaphor is on the cards to be eliminated with a flamethrower, but I'll apply the advice to a more canine description when I do change it. Which brings me to why a cloak? If he's a gentleman of fashion, he's likely to have a hat. He has a cloak because he and I are far too attached to his ridiculous pretentions of belonging to another era. It's ludicrous of course, but I cling stubbornly to it in the hopes that I'll think of a reason for him to have it. If not, well, it'll have to go.

[winces] okay, like the flexible morality here, but don't suddenly-horribly-disfigured-and-blinded people scream a lot more? Probably. I hope Falkner's never on the Tube during rush hour...imagine getting elbowed in the ribs carrying that stuff... Hmm, yes. =\ Not pretty.
"unburying" is not a word. "Exhuming" is. 'Kay

I think I'm rather in love with this character, even if you do hand him a lot of excuses to be a bad man...the end bit should probably also be in present-italics since it's flashback, else it'll get confused with the main text. Ever read Perdido Street Station (China Mieville) or The Etched City, K.J. Bishop?Yay, I'm glad you like Falky. Wow, I never thought of my attempt at the "bad people are products of their pasts" rationale as making excuses, but you're very right. I'm getting rid of some of the abuse next time around, because it's hideously overdone.Oh, flashbacks, bane of my life... I dislike present tense immensely, and some of the later flashbacks get too long to have all in italics, but I definitely agree that I have to do something with them.*has to look up the books* I haven't read them, no, but they sound pertinent and fascinating. I shall have to try get hold of them, now.Thankee muchly, Cecily dearest!
14 Sep 2006:-) Seth J Borer
I like, but Im gonna hafta go through again to actually find something to critique, and find what I liked specifically.Hi. Thanks for stopping by, and sorry for the late reply.I'm glad you liked it. It's all due for a fairly major revamp - whenever I get around to it - so don't worry about a detailed crit.Oh, and poke me if you'd like me to read anything of yours in the near future, tis the only way to get things done with me. ^^
Page: [1] 2 3
Not signed in, Add an anonymous comment to this guestbook...    

Your Name: Your Mail:

   Private message? (Info)




Do a search for similar items! (Regarding theme, technique and inspirations)
  • All Rights ReservedAll rights are reserved for the work 'Homecoming Chapter 1' by Kaeli Grotz under Elfwoods all rights reserved copyright policy License.
  • All material posted at Elfwood is covered by the Elfwood Rules. If this page break any rule(s), help us out, and report it to the ERB by clicking here!

  •  
    We think Elfwood works
    best with Firefox:
    Elfwood™ is a site for Fantasy and Science Fiction art and stories. It is created by Thomas Abrahamsson and helpful assistants, managed by the Elfwood corporation.
    Need to contact us? Click here.... Our Cookie Policy is here.
    You are visitor 84 to this page since October 2007.