SciFi and Fantasy Stories
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'Thief's Magic'


 
 

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Click For MoreDocument 2 out of 12 by Claire G. Griffin.

SciFi and Fantasy Stories: Thief's Magic

The daughter of the Court Mage, turned thief. A kind hearted organized criminal. And a shape-shifter from a different plane. They come together for a conflict that will lead to unexpected changes. Updated!

    Main Category: [High Fantasy]
    Sub-categories: [Dwarf, Dwarves] [/Fairy, Fay, Faeries] [Other Mythical Creatures & Assorted Monsters] [/Magic] [Royalty, Kings, Princes, Princesses, etc] [Warrior, Fighter, Mercenary, Knights, Paladins] [Wizards, Priests, Druids, Sorcerers, Spellcasters] [Magic and Sorcery]

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Thief’s Magic: Chapter 1

The pub was hot and stuffy, stinking of spilled beer, unwashed bodies, and vomit. Drunks littered the floor and stools, roaring with drunken laughter and slurring words, voices overloud. A huge, dark shadow stood by the doorway, keeping the peace. Throughout the night, he moved to knock heads and toss bodies as needed. The bartender doled out the beer with a free hand, roaring at the barmaids to be quicker, to take in the greatest profit. As the women moved through the throng, hands reached out to pinch and pat without restraint.

In a dark corner, removed from the fire roaring in the hearth, a shadow observed the chaos. The waitresses left the figure in peace, not wanting to face the cold corners of the room. The only light in the corner emanated from a two pairs of glowing green eyes.

The door at the other end of them room swung open to reveal a tall, finely dressed man with a cloak that swirled in the wind.

"Close the Chaos-damned door!" the room chorused, as the man stood in the threshold surveying the room as if he owned it and all contained. Just as the peacekeeper started towards him, his eyes lit on something and he strode towards the dark corner. As he did, one pair of eyes disappeared.

"You're late," a voice stated from inside a dark hood.

"Have you been out there? It's awful," he complained with a shudder. He shed his cloak with a flourish, revealing rich clothing and immaculate hair. His nasal voice held a spoiled whiney note and he looked about with distaste, as if everything about him had the same value as cow manure and smelled like it too. "Let us retire to more…private…surroundings," he said with a condescending air.

"You idiot. Do you want everyone to know you're hiring, or were you thinking to develop a reputation as a whoremonger?" A distinctly feminine voice emerged form the hood, dripping with contempt. The man harrumphed and sat down moodily, like a child forced to do an unpleasant chore.

"Well, I want you to st-" he was cut off abruptly as the cloaked figure lunged across the table and clamped a hand over his mouth.

"You don't, however, discuss business at the top of your lungs. There are Guardsmen in disguise here. I'm sure you family wouldn't appreciate having their second eldest son commiserating with thieves in the Lower City. And I don't want to be a locked in a dungeon." She slowly removed her hand and drew her hood up, that had been knocked off by her lunge. He stared at her finely sculptured face, luxurious black hair, and deep green eyes, eyes the color of magic.

"Y…you…you're the-"

"Unless you wish to have a glass eye, I suggest you shut up." His Adam's apple bobbed up and down, but he nodded feebly. "We are here to discuss pay." Again, he nodded. “The normal rate is 1500 gold, but this better protected and a bigger job. 3000 gold should cover it.

"Wha-," he cut himself off before she could make good on her threat. In a whisper, he demanded, "Why?"

"This job will require special resources that cost."

"But I-"

"Lord Ashra, if you want this done, you must be willing to pay."

"Fine. I'll send a messenger to the same place," he said sulkily. The he rose in what he probably meant to be a regal manner, and left.

The hooded woman sat there for a few minutes, drinking bad ale and thinking. Abruptly, she arose and left.

"The man is a greedy daft bastard," the woman complained as she flopped in a large comfortable chair in front of a roaring fire. "He'll get himself killed soon if he continues the way he has. Mark my words, Jackal. Someone will find the great Lord Ashra lying in a gutter with his throat slit." She sighed. "I miss his old man," she said sadly as she pushed her hood back.

"I know, Taus," Jackal said as he wearily leaned against the hearth. Taus looked up at him as he sighed. "Him and the other recent inheritors of old men who seem to all be dying at the same time."

Shaking her head, Taus asked, "Have you found anything yet?"

"No, the ones who aren't too grief-stricken to talk about it are afraid of their new lords and don't want to talk to strangers. All those old men were the best. They knew how to keep a household happy. They didn't trod on their servants and they paid decent wages. They knew the servants. Collectively though, they had the flaw of spoiling their sons. So they are all in power now and have managed to cover their tracks." Again, he sighed, running his fingers through his strawberry blond hair. "Are you going to take the job?"

Taus stared at him from below heavy black eyelashes. For a moment her deep green eyes flashed a bright green. Then she reached into her cloak and pulled out a bag, setting it on the table. Jackal stared. Then gulped.

"H-how much?"

"Three thousand gold."

"Gods. Oh gods, you got three thousand gold?" He staggered over to a table and poured himself a glass of wine before carefully sitting down. "Taus, that's…that's…"

"A lot."

"Yeah."

"All Ashra wants is a big jewel that Casson was bragging about. And I've seen it. It's not worth more than one thousand. It's big, but not high quality. He doesn't know that though. Normally I wouldn't charge so much, but Ashra deserves it. And I do want to get into Casson's library and armory. His father had some nice stuff. So…"she shrugged. "How much?"

"On what?"

"Layout, protections, and escapes."

"Oh…for you…400."

"Seriously? Why?" she demanded, despite her delight at the price.

"I met the servants," he said, both face and voice bleak.

"Oh."

"I'll have the information for you in two days...” With that he left.

She stared into the fire for a moment before taking the bag and placing it in her cloak. As she did, she queried to the room, "So, should I take the job?" A small black snake with green eyes appeared from her sleeve and twisted to look up at her.

<You don't have much choice. You've already accepted the money.> The snake appeared to melt, than shape itself into a small black cat. Taus snorted.

"That’s not what I meant. Do you think I should take a little extra or not? I did respect Casson's father."

<Does that hold over to the son, though? He deserves it. And you are running low on knives,>the cat told her as it curled into a ball in Taus's lap.

"True. That last round with Scrat did deplete my reserves. He just had to call the Guard." Taus began stroking the cat in her lap, who responded with a resounding purr. "I think I will wait until we hear from Jackal. Then I'll make my decision. Sound good, Mizuhi?"

<Long as you don't stop petting me.> Taus laughed wearily and continued, eventually falling asleep in the chair.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Taus!" Said person threw her head up like a startled horse. "Taus, you won't believe this!" Jackal dropped into the room from the ceiling through a trapdoor. He then ran over to her, grabbed her arms and shook her with glee. "The jewel, it's The Jewel!" Taus swore she could here the capitalization in his voice. However, she did not have any clue as to what he was talking about.

"Jackal, slow down, take some deep breaths, and explain."

"Taussyung ra Morai, you are the daughter of the King's Mage, under a feeble king who spends most of his time listening to bards tell stories and you don't know the story of the Arcana Jewel?" he asked incredulously.

"Don't call me that. You do know how bad it would be if that little tidbit of information got out, don't you? Next, I haven't lived with my illustrious father since I was fifteen, which means I haven't been to Court for seven years. Back then the king wasn’t quite so senile. Anyway, bards are puffed up toadies who serve no purpose in court, so I didn’t listen to them anyway. So will you just tell me what you're so excited about?"

He just looked at her for a few moments. When he didn't reply, Taus's eyes flashed a bright, menacing green. His eyes widened and he began to tremble. In a low, calming voice, she said, "I didn't do anything. I'm no going to do anything. Magic can be sensed to easily by others unless proper precautions are taken." Her eyes saddened for a moment. "I thought you knew that magic is hereditary."

"I hadn't really thought about it," he whispered.

"Now you have. Tell me about the jewel." He shook himself, thought for a moment and launched into a quiet song. As he sang, Taus's eyes widened in amazement to both the song and Jackal's hidden talent.

"The Arcana Jewel; Jewel of the Arcane,

Powers of knowledge; powers of magic

Come to justly rule,

Come for the weak,

Brought and wielded by the small,

But here to aid the world,

Here to make the world anew,

With the help of the Weapon,

Will have dominion for all time,

Remembers where he came from,

Recalls who to help,

And always speaks for them,

Or he will fall.

"That's the most obscure song. Most of them tell some story of the past. Someone appears suddenly with the Jewel in one hand and some amazing weapon in the other and basically takes over. He ends up being the best king ever, helps the poor and all that. And he never ages. But then he becomes corrupt and something bad happens. A plot of his backfires, someone betrays him. In the chaos after his death the Jewel sort of gets lost. There aren't any stories of how it is found by the kings."

Taus gazed at him, considering what was probably running through his head. He wouldn't be thinking of the power. He'd be thinking of putting a stop to the mistreatment of the servants in the young lords' homes. He'd be thinking of trying to help the beggars get jobs. It's what he had done in his district and how his mind worked. The area he controlled didn't have a single beggar in it. They all had been put to work in some capacity or another. There were no whorehouses, and all gambling establishments were closely watched. He was the most virtuous person in the business most likely.

"How did you find out that it's the Jewel?"

"I…well…it matches the descriptions of it we have. And…well I got Artu to do a scan of it and he said that it was the most powerful object he'd ever had contact with."

"Should I still steal it?"

"What?!?"

"Jackal, if I steal it, then Ashra will know that it’s gone. He'll know that I stole it. And I'm not about to give him something that powerful."

"Take it. Casson shouldn't have it either." He reached into his cloak and brought out a folder containing several sheets of paper. "Here's the information you needed. Do it soon. Please." And he left, leaving Taus to consider her situation.

"Mizuhi?" Said creature emerged from under the chair in the form of a small black weasel.

<Take it. Neither of them deserves it.>

"But I don’t want it."

<Give it to Jackal. You can see the plans forming behind his eyes already. He'd make a good king.>

"What about that thing about the king becoming corrupt? Also, how do we know that that is The Jewel?"

<He'll have us to keep him straight. I doubt that any of the other kings had a dæmon and her human to keep them straight. As for the Jewel, if it is, we've just helped create the greatest king Radmoth has ever seen. If not, then we have a very large gem on our hands. What's to lose?>

"Ok. I guess I'll do it."

<Good. Now feed the dæmon.> Following orders, Taus headed to the kitchen.

"Remind me again why I'm doing this," Taus whispered as she stared at the villa in front of her.

<The adventure. Taking justice into your own hands. The challenge. The…>

"Oh shut it."

<Alright, how about this. Greed. Three thousand gold. Revenge.> Taus snorted. <Well, you did ask.>

"I know, but that doesn’t mean you have to answer." Straightening her tunic to make sure neither her knives nor the small black snake showed, she walked to the gate and smiled at the guard.

"I got a message for 'is Lordship," she told the uniformed man, waving a satchel carefully so as not to reveal any weapons or tools. He waved her through, giving her directions to take the servant's entrance to the house. She followed his directions, and from there found her way to the kitchen, as a safe place that time of night.

Taus moved as close as she could to the banked fire in the hearth and unrolled a small rough map on the back of the picture of a jewel. As she examined the map, she heard a soft click. Quickly rolling the map up into a cylinder, she faded into the shadows as a dog padded in. Relaxing, she stepped out, and made a gesture. The dog, a huge white one from the mountains, trotted out. Sighing, Taus brought the map back out and found the treasury, and armory. Memorizing her route, she put the map away, and ran quickly and quietly down the halls.

Suddenly, a door banged open and light flooded the hall. Dodging around a corner, Taus prayed that they hadn't seen her.

"So's I says ta 'er, I says, ya gots ta talk ta 'im. Yor son don' know when ta leave dem gels alone.' An' 'en, she starts ta lay inna me-" The voice cut off with another door slamming closed. Breathing a silent sigh of relief, Taus continued on her way.

As she arrived at the treasury door, she looked around, checking for any more servants. Hearing and seeing none, she began to mutter a spell. This was the secret to her success. No one knew she was a sorceress, except Jackal, who had found out recently. She was the richest, and most sought after thief, all because of this spell, although her employers didn’t know it. All they knew was that she was the best.  The spell monitored for humans. Not only this, but it also mixed up their mind, so they forgot what they were doing, or got turned around. Taus was very proud of this creation of hers, even if it was useless over long periods of time or on short-notice. It could have made her wealthy beyond belief to sell it, but she'd have missed her work. It just didn't seem right either, selling a spell used solely for stealing. Think of all the people who'd lose their wealth to greedy wizards or lose their income for lack of jobs. The one drawback was that it required concentration and time. Done with the spell, she motioned for Mizuhi to come out of her sleeve.

"Mizuhi, watch for people," she said, despite the spell.  Paranoia was another part of what kept a thief alive.

<Of course.>

Finally, she began on the lock. The moment she put her wire in, she felt power building. Throwing herself away from the door, she began cursing the owner who had had the fore sight to spell the thing. Then she began on herself for forgetting to check for magic.

It took her awhile, but she managed to disable the anti-lock pick spell, which was different then the mage alarms. Then, after struggling with the lock itself, she pushed the door open.

"Oh gods, there's so much stuff!" Indeed, there was much stuff. Row after row of sacks lined the walls, all of which contained after inspection, five years worth of wages in gold to most people of the middle class. Not only that, but every so often, a box marred the perfect rows of bags. Inside were some of the most beautiful necklaces and other jewelry that Taus had ever seen. The last one contained only one thing. A jewel the size of her fist lay on deep red velvet. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. It could only be described as a jewel. In some lights the bluest of skies was given a sparkle; in others the deepest green of ocean. Red and purple lights seemed to glitter beneath its surface sometimes. Even as it reflected the meager light from her dark lantern, it seemed to soak it up.

Abruptly, Taus came out of her reverie. She quickly wrapped it in leather, and pocketed it in her shirt. Scanning the room as she moved towards the door, she also grabbed a couple of rings and a necklace, easy things to carry. Stepping out, she locked the door, reset the spell, and dismantled her own. Double checking that all was in order, she scanned the hall, and left for the armory.

After picking a simple lock on the armory, she slipped in and began to examine the weaponry. Muttering, she ignored most, but came to a stop at a sword and dagger set.

"Gods!" She took down the sword, and examined the hilt and scabbard. A knotted design curled around a large perfectly round emerald set in the hilt. The quillions curved toward the blade were carved in exquisite detail to form dragon heads, with a definite equine influence. On inspection, the daggers were smaller versions of the sword. Each of the daggers proved to be different.  One thin one, designed to slip between links of mail, one with a perfect heft for throwing.  Another curved and broader than the others, the last something more of a short sword rather than a dagger.  After inspecting each knife, she turned to the sword.

Light seemed to glow from it as she drew the blade. When free, she could see writing marred the blue of well mad steel. Looking at it she read out loud, "Issathil lecass bronans lasitua suan." As she read, the light intensified. "Curson losca nassila ro maans." At the last syllable, light exploded blinding her, before being followed by a deafening explosion that left her unconscious.

Slowly, Taus came back to herself. Careful to remain still and breathe even, she opened her eyes a slit and looked around. At some point she had been moved. Not seeing or hearing anyone, she took stock. Mysteriously, her weapons had not been touched. Neither had the bags of money, but the Jewel had been taken.

"I know you're awake, so you might as well stop shamming." She sat bolt upright. Impressed, she turned and inquired," How'd you do that? It's been awhile since someone snuck up on me." He simply smiled. "Okay, next question. Why'd you let me keep my weapons? And don't ask what weapons. If you can be that quiet then you are in the profession. Anyway, you took the Jewel." Still that smile.

After a moment he said, "I didn't let you keep your weapons." And then he smiled some more. Staring at him, she pulled out a dagger. Looking at it, her jaw dropped.

"This isn't mine." The smile grew. "It's one of the ones I was going to aquire ownership of.'' The man shook his head and snorted at that. Taus took a good look at him. His hair shone like a raven's wing, black and glossy. While his warm brown eyes were too far apart and his nose too big to be handsome, his face was friendly and attractive. He looked like he'd blend in well in a crowd, just unique enough to be overlooked by someone looking for a person who is distinctly nondescript. Although she wasn't sure because he was sitting, she thought he was a little on the tall side, and definitely lean, all muscle.

Sensing her scrutiny, the man cleared his throat. Startled, Taus threw her head up and blurted out the first thing she thought of.

"Who are you, anyway?" then looked away, realizing that if answered, she would have to reveal her identity too. He smiled and answered.

"I am Amirin Magai. I work for the owner of this place, working as detective and mage." She snorted, muttering something about her profession declining. "I have to admit, I agree, but I need money, and that jewel is something that pays well to protect, as I assume you know from your employer."

"Employer. I am strictly freelance. I take what looks good." He smirked and nodded wisely.

"Oh yes. That's why you had a map, a picture of the jewel, which was the first thing you grabbed, and the best hidden on you." She gaped. "By the way, that little spell was impressive. Would you like a bargain for your freedom?"

"Depends."

"You show me the spell, and never come here again. I let you go and say that you escaped. I'll also let you deep the sword and daggers." He paused and frowned. "I knew that they were magic, but I never could get it to work. How did you?"

"I read the inscription on the blade."

"Inscription?"

"Yes. Where's the sword?" He pointed behind her. Looking at the bedside table, she saw it. Reaching over, she drew it. The metal reflected the light on the wall. "Right he-." She cut herself off when she saw that there were no words. "There were words. I swear."

He looked at her, really for the first time. Despite her troubled expression, she still seemed to have a sparkle in her eye that showed her true self, which was distinctly not worried. Now that he thought of it, her eyes were the color of the sea before a storm, a tempest, which he thought appropriate. Her olive skin hid any changes in color that might have betrayed her reactions.  Her face was long and narrow, not beautiful, but striking. Staring at her, he pondered why the sword had reacted.  After a moment of silence, he nodded and abruptly stood.

"The stable is out the kitchen to the left. Take any horse, but the black gelding in the back right corner would probably be best. He responds to Mercury. His tack is hanging on his door." All this came so suddenly, she just stared for a moment. He bowed and left, shutting the door silently. The moment the door hit the frame she was out of bed, listening at the door for his footsteps to fade. When all was silent, she stood and scrutinized the sword.

Abruptly, she grabbed it, sheathed it, and wrapped the belt around her waist, securing it at her hip. Checking the room, she found her old weapons on a weapon rack. Putting them in new places, she armed herself to the teeth. She even took a glaive that was on the rack. Ready, she slipped out.

As she ran, she began to talk. "Mizuhi? Did you get any information?" There was no reply. Taus paused and reached into her sleeve, where she could feel the cold skin of a snake against her own skin. She withdrew a limp snake. Realizing the effect that the magical blast must have had on the dæmon, she cursed and slipped the little snake into her belt pouch.

Racing silently to the stable, she considered why Amirin let her go. He didn't even know her name. Once in the stable, she had other things to worry about. Leaning the glaive against the door, she went in and swiftly tacked up the recommended gelding, leaving thoughts for less stressful times.

Other horses poked their heads out as she led Mercury out. Thinking to confuse trackers, and of her own benefit, she led out a string of horses to lead. Bridling and saddling quickly, she attached lead ropes to the bridles of a gelding, a mare, and a stallion, each one looking on calmly. When all was ready, she hooked her glaive to her saddle, and mounted Mercury, pushing him into a gallop, the others trailing as a door in the house opened and a servant saw her. Seeing the gate open, she galloped out, as the house roused and gave chase.

She led them on a merry chase, but for them it was unrewarding. She rode out of the city, across country, avoiding the little villages that peppered the main road. When out of the city, she stopped momentarily and changed horses, to keep them fresh, and her hide out of danger.

She repeated this process, along with slowing down to a walk to give the horses a break repeatedly. Near sunset, she came across an abandoned homestead, left from the last war. Stopping, she dismounted and let the horses graze for a moment. On inspection, she found the barn well equipped and in relatively good repair. Leading the horses into stalls, separate ones for the mare and stallion, one for the geldings, she untacked and let them out to the paddocks. After a cursory cleaning of tack, she settled down to watch for her followers, feeling like a hunted fox. Every so often, she checked on Mizuhi, but she was still out cold.

When none came for hours, she relaxed. As the moon rose high in the sky, she fell into a far deeper sleep than she had intended.

"I said to take Mercury, not the whole damn barn," a voice said with amusement. Taus sat up with a cry of alarm, ready to flee at the drop of a hat. "At least you took the fastest horses so they couldn't catch you, but you could have left one for me."

"What are you doing here?" Taus demanded shrilly.

"I want to find out about that sword, and about you. By the way, here." He tossed a fist-sized package at her. Unwrapping it, she found the Jewel.

"I thought you were honest."

"I'm not. I do things for myself. This seemed like the best thing right now. I'll move on some time." He shrugged. "By the way, who are you?"

Still staring at the Jewel she replied off hand, "Taussyung ra Morai."

It was his turn to gape. "Morai? Does your father know you're a thief, Taussyung?"

"It's Taus, and yes he does. He seems to think that as the King's Mage he has a good reputation. He also thinks I'm the one who mars it. But I don't. He doesn't need any help doing that." She looked up and grinned. "You won't hold it against me will you?"

Throwing back his head, he let out a full throated laugh. "Not if you don't mind my examining you and the sword."

"Deal.''

"Deal."

And with that, they settled down to sleep the rest of the night.

 
 

©Claire G. Griffin. All rights reserved!

DateNameComment 
21 May 2004:-) Rebecca A. Morgan
Sorry, I spelt it wrong... I know that there's a difference.

12 Claire G. Griffin replies: "Sokay."
21 May 200445 Erin 'Chaos' Shipton
This was fun. I've always had a soft spot for thieves. Beyond a few typos and a slightly fast past, this is a very good story. I love Taus and the strange mage guy. I don't know what else to say except...really cool!

1 Claire G. Griffin replies: "Thanks muchly!"
21 May 2004:-) Rebecca A. Morgan
"She slowly removed her hand and drew her hood up, *that* had been knocked off by her lunge." That 'that' should be *which* *grin*

Two mistakes in this sentence. "The normal rate is 1500 gold, but this *** better protected and a bigger job. 3000 gold should cover it.*"* You need an *is* in the middle of those stars and you forgot the second quotaion mark.

"The man is a greedy*,* daft bastard," Methinks you forgot a comma.

"*Him* and *** the other recent inheritors of old men who seem to all be dying at the same time." Use the right pronoun and you sound smart, use the wrong one and you come across lazy. That 'him' should be *he* and you need and *all* in front of 'the'.

"When free, she could see writing marred the blue of well *mad* steel." mad = made thinketh I.

I'll also let you *deep* the sword and daggers." Did you want 'deep' or rather *keep*?

A glaive = a stick (think spear) + a sword. Basically it's a short spear handle with a long, long pointy thing on the end. (long at least when compared to a regular one.)(in answer to the question above.)

I likes it alot. But then again, it reminds me (a little) of one of the characters that I'm working on... Which is good. (When/if you reread Day the First {I really need to think of a better title for that one} in about a week {ie when it's through the mods} I think you'll be able to see it a little more. *grin* Although it was totally unintentional.)

Quite descriptive, love the way you developed the characters, I like the demon, will read more later.

:-) Claire G. Griffin replies: "Great! Will read! And the corrections that you mentioned have already been dealt with, I just haven't uploaded it yet. And ummm...it's daemon. Not demon. There's a difference which is revealed in a different chapter."
18 Jun 2004:-) Lisac3
You know, I think you could cut out the entire first section without trouble. I’ve read enough scenes of generic fantasy taverns with dark shadowy figures in them to last me a lifetime. Maybe, if the tavern were important, and had some distinguishing features, but it doesn’t. Get rid of it, and jump straight to Taus flopping down and complaining, it is far more interesting. The only real information we need from the first part is that she is being paid a lot of money by Lord Ashra, which she can mentions later.

> All those old men were the best. They knew how to keep a household happy.For a moment her deep green eyes flashed a bright green.Well, some of your crits. have been changed and just haven't been uploaded yet. Some will be changed. Some, such as the deletion of the tavern, I don't agree with and will be ignored (sorry, but...). And some are covered in later chapters.

As for the love thing...even though it gives away some of the story, they will most emphatically NOT be falling in love. I agree that that sort of thing happens way too often in fantasy. Thanks for the critique!
19 Jun 2004:-) Rebecca A. Morgan
My comment was too long! I had it on one and it told me to cut it down... This is the first time it's done it to me. Feel proud.

///She followed his directions, and from there found her way to the kitchen, *as* a safe place that time of night./// unnecessary

///Taus moved as close as she could to the banked fire in the hearth and *unrolled a small rough map on the back of the picture of a jewel.*/// You have to many *of a*'s try to reword.

///Dodging around a corner, Taus prayed that *they hadn't seen her*./// You haven't told us how many other people there are right here. How about *she hadn't been seen* instead? You still are implying that there is another character, but it reads better.

///So's I says ta 'er, I says, ya gots ta talk ta 'im./// In the wyvernsmiths links section there are some links to places with articles to help authors write better. I would suggest you go explore them because they have some articles on how to write dialect. They are really helpful. (I thought they were, anyway.)

///Indeed, there was *much stuff*./// rewrite please? This is awkward.

///When all was ready, she hooked her glaive to her saddle, and mounted Mercury, pushing him into a gallop, the others trailing as a door in the house opened and a servant saw her./// Think about breaking this sentence up. It rambles.

///Seeing the gate open, she galloped out, as the house roused and gave *chase*.

She led them on a merry *chase*,/// Repetition is bad, no matter where it happens. (Unless you mean to do it, but this story doesn't seem to be that type of a story.) You might also think about adding a little more suspense in the chase scene. It seems a little blah for one.

As others have mentioned, he seems to have forgotten about the spell he wanted to learn about, totally, by the end of the chapter. You could at least include it in this sentence, ///"I want to find out about that sword, and about you./// That way we at least know he hasn'ti> forgotten about it.

As I said the first time I commented on this, I like it, and it reminds me of my story, Day the first. ^_^

:-) Claire G. Griffin replies: "Same thing as earlier comment. I'll look at that link on the dialects, I didn't see it before. I always have trouble with that. Thanks!

The glaive has been eradicated also, so that sentence you pointed out is much better."
19 Jun 2004:-) Rebecca A. Morgan
///*Drunks* littered the floor and stools, roaring with *drunken* laughter and slurring words, voices overloud./// Thou repeatest thyself.

///The door at the other end of *them* room swung open to reveal a tall, finely dressed man with a cloak that swirled in the wind./// the

///"Close the Chaos-damned door!" *the room chorused,* as the man stood in the threshold surveying the room as if he owned it and all contained./// I know the room did not sing, but that's how the sentence reads.

///"Let us retire to more…private…surroundings," he said *with a condescending air*./// You don't need to include that if you don't want to because everything else up to that point basically says the same thing.

///The normal rate is 1500 gold, but this better protected and a bigger job./// I know you mean that the thing she is to take is better protected, but the way I read it was that she will be better protected. You might want to reword that.

///The he rose in what he probably meant to be a regal manner, and left.////Abruptly, she arose and left./// You end these two sentences with the same word, and they end the last two paragraphs in this scene. I would reword them.

///*There were* no whorehouses, and all gambling establishments were closely watched./// As I have told other people, My old English teacher thinks that *there is/was/were it is/was/etc* are of the devil and should be taken out and shot because you can reword sentences and not have them easily enough without losing the meaning of the sentence. I will say that there is a time and a place for them, though. (^_^)

12 Claire G. Griffin replies: "Many such typos/bad sounding stuff, have been caught, changed/eradicated and will be uploaded as soon as the next chapter is done. A few new ones you have pointed out, however and will be changed too. Thanks!"
8 Jul 2004:-) Jeff Burke
Oh, I don't know about that...Haku is such an awesome character, after all.

We'll have to compromise, Spirited away is a much better drama, and has cooler characters, whilst Mononoke Hime is a better action movie/ has better plot.

:-) Claire G. Griffin replies: "See, I actually thought the characters were better in Mononoke Hime. And the art is more to my liking. They are both awesome though. So are his other stuff. I really like Laputa."
8 Jul 2004:-) Jeff Burke
no, the glaive has not been erradicated. I saw it several times. fortunatly for you, I happen to know what it is (and isn't princess Monoke such a great movie? It's every bit as cool as Spirited Away.)

I didn't keep track of typos, but I did notice a lot--repeat, a LOT--of redundent sentences. go through this and root out anything you had said before in the story. It just slows it down.

two things that really bothered me: You have a problomatic tendency to not introduce characters. Take the servent thing, you never actually say that anyone entered the room. look:

"Suddenly, a door banged open and light flooded the hall. Dodging around a corner, Taus prayed they hadn't seen her."

Who in the world is "They"? You never say that anybody is there. I can infer that someone had to open the door, but still. Before a character can do something, it has to exist.

You do the same thing when she gets knocked out. She's talking to a character that you NEVER SAY EXISTS until almost two paragraphs later.

After that, you have a really, nasty narration shift between Taus and the other wizard guy. If you're going to switch narrators, you really have to tell us that kind of thing, especially in this third-person limited style.

Based on the above, I find myself forced to award this with 3 Nerds out of 5. (3/5 Nerds)

Okay, on to the next part.

:-) Claire G. Griffin replies: "Lots of that has been corrected in an edit I haven't uploaded yet because I STILL haven't finished ch. 6. Thanks for reading though. And the critique.

P.S. Mononoke is WAY better than Spirited Away."
18 Jul 2004:-) Nicole ~Zorro Kitsune~ Schledewitz
Really great beginning, and I am looking forward to reading more.

(Mononoke and Spirited Away were both great, but nothing can compare to Castle in the Sky!)

:-) Claire G. Griffin replies: "Thanks!I don't know... Mononoke-Hime and Laputa are tied as my favourites."
23 Nov 200445 Sharon *Blackstaff* Black
Well, everyone seems to have commented on the minor mistakes in the story, so I'll just say that it's well written and thoroughly engrossing. Except the end, which seems abrupt and out of character- why do they just lay down and go to sleep?

:-) Claire G. Griffin replies: "Basically, at the time I couldn't think of anything else. Sad, huh? It's going to be changed. I just have to rewrite it...which I will do eventually."
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