SciFi and Fantasy Stories: *Love your Enemies 26-27

"Kaaiwen! Where have you been?"

My heart almost stops and I have more than half a mind to turn around and run right back up the stairs again, prince or no prince. Cirion is pushing past the crowds and coming towards me. How could I have forgotten about him? About his question? About everything? My head is so full I'm sure it's going to burst. My heart is so confused I almost feel like screaming. But I don't.

"Where were you? My Lady Mother has become frantic, she was worrying that you had lost your way in the palace," Cirion says.

I open my mouth to say something, then decide that it would be stupid to lie and even more stupid to tell the truth, so I don't say anything. I don't dare look him in the face, too full of guilt after enjoying the prince's kiss so much. It's as if I just betrayed him. I can't help wondering whether Cirion might ever kiss me like the prince just did, but quickly stop thinking because it only makes me feel worse.

"Come, we must go home quickly, so that we may prepare for this evening."

It hits me like a blow. Saaiwen's escape! How could I have forgotten? Why must so many things be happening today? Why? Cirion has already turned away and is hurrying through the throng towards the open palace doors. I quickly follow him to the waiting family: they are all still there, gazing at the rain that has started outside.

"Where is that carriage?" Marna whines, fidgeting and glaring up at the crying clouds. "The servants should have arrived ages ago!" She turns to her husband. "Edalzar! Do something!"

Lord Edalzar simply turns away from her, waving to some army friend he has discovered across the hall and wants to talk to. Marna stares incredulously at his back before turning to her daughter. "Erenwen! You told the servants to come, did you not?"

"Of course I did!" Erenwen retorts. "I actually know how to lead a household, Lady Mother, believe it or not! It is those dirty human good-for-nothings not attending our wishes!" I realise she must be very impatient about the missing carriage to be so snappy with her mother, whom she normally treats with respect.

Marna groans to herself, staring out at the overcast sky. "Oh… I shall become sick of this weather! We never experienced this on Venus! Or on Mercury! Definitely not back home! If the carriage does not arrive soon, I must say that you will not have a Lady Mother much longer…"

"Excuse me," a voice suddenly says from just behind me. All the blood freezes in my veins.

Melnar, Cirion, Erenwen and Marna quickly perform the usual bows and curtsies. I follow a little later, after I have managed to defrost myself from the shock.

"Are you in need of anything?" the prince asks. Once more, he is flanked by the two bodyguards with their forbidding face expressions.

"I… well… I mean… no, your highness, no, we… er… we are not, your highness," Marna brings forth.

"Oh? Just now I believed I heard you speaking of the inefficiency of your servants in procuring a carriage at this time… Well, maybe I misheard. Good day to you all." He gives a short, royal nod, then turns away.

At that moment Marna quickly blurts out, "Well, your highness, you did hear correctly, we are indeed waiting for a carriage. We just… thought the matter might not be of interest…"

The prince turns towards her again, smiling. "If that is so, then I can lend you one of my carriages," he says. "I have no intentions of leaving the palace in such weather as this. My servant has already gone to prepare it for you, it shall arrive shortly."

And then he is gone. Marna's smile is big and wide. "How wonderful! The royal carriage! I shall tell the neighbours as soon as I can!"

I lean back against a pillar and stare up the high ceiling. I know why he's lending the carriage to us. Now I also know why he took me home just the other night, after I fainted at the work camp. And I know why he danced with me on the Emperor's Birthday ball, even though I was the least remarkable of all the girls present. I know it all, and I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't have the ability to think, like that the thoughts would leave me in peace for a while…

Cirion hasn't asked me yet. When he does, what shall I say? The same thing, 'I'll think about it'? 'Yes'? Or even 'no'?

I haven't been trained for this type of question. I always knew I'd never fall in love, never get married, because how could a girl do that in a village without men? And now there's two of them wanting to marry me. But what should I do, what should I say, what should I do?

"Finally!" Lady Marna exclaims as with a loud rattling and clopping of hooves, the prince's black carriage, drawn by two black horses, arrives. I wait for the rest of the family to get in before me. I'm glad when a servant bangs the carriage door shut and the carriage jolts us away from the palace. I don't think I could stand being around the prince much longer today without going insane…

***

"Oh, how lonely the house is without my dear little Saaiwen!" Lady Marna exclaims as she spreads out her arms to the empty living room, blocking our way back into the house. "How I shall miss her! My dear little daughter!"

Liar, I think. You ignored her half her life! All you're interested in is Salmeor's money! How glad I am that my own mother isn't like this. But then, my own mother is in a work camp, suffering, maybe dying…

I want to be alone. That is all I can think as I head for the stairs, almost forgetting, for the first time in ages, to lift my skirts and avoid stumbling. I want to be alone… all alone, completely alone, with no one intruding on my privacy.

I close the library door behind me, breathing hard after the run, the dusty air burning in my nose. The rain outside is louder here than in any other part of the house. All the candles are dead and dark, the only light floating in from dust-coated windows, pale and rainy.

I wander past the bookshelves, stroking the dusty spines of long-forgotten volumes. Could there be any book here to teach me what to do, trapped and lost as I am? I sink into a chair, the chair I usually sit in when doing homework with Cirion. I haven't seen Teacher Muran for ages, and thank God for that.

For a while I simply stare into space, trying not to think. But the thoughts come nonetheless. Too many paths go out from this crossing. I know I have to choose one, but which? Which? Either I stay, or I go home. Either I get married, or I don't. If I do get married, whom do I marry?

It should be obvious for me, I know. Cirion has been here for me for so long, he has helped me so often, he has brought me into his family even though I am a human. His mother doesn't approve of me because she thinks I'm of a lower race of elves. What will she say if she knows the truth? What will she say if she knows that I'm human?

Actually, I'm just being stupid. Why should I marry the prince of all people? I hardly even know him. Anyway, his family is going to disagree. And I might have a more powerful position, but…

Wait. With a more powerful position, I could actually change something. The prince isn't doing anything; he doesn't know what it's like to be a human in this world, to be degraded and thrown aside. But I do. And if I married him, I could actually change some things around here. As princess, I could do something.

But what about my family? What about Ophelia and Grandmama, and what about Mama? What would they say? Ophelia would definitely be infinitely jealous. She has always wanted to get married, and there has never been a minute when she didn't want to marry a prince. Grandmama would be furious. She hates the elves. Probably she thinks that, half-human or not, the prince is just another typical royal elf who cares nothing for the suffering of others. Probably it's true. He hasn't really changed anything, has he? We humans still suffer. And Mama?

Tears well into my eyes and I can feel them running down my face. Why did this have to happen? Why am I stuck here in this big palace of a house, in this house belonging to elves, our oppressors? Why didn't I go home as soon as I was well? Why did I still stay?

Because I was selfish. Because I wanted to live in plenty like the elves and not let it go. Because I wanted to stay with Cirion. Because I didn't want to return to poverty and misery and dirt. Because I enjoyed being looked upon as an equal instead of an inferior. Because I no longer cared.

Follow your heart. That's what she would have said. That's what she would tell me, if I ran to her right now and told her all my problems. Follow your heart. But what does my heart say? What does it say? Too many other things have blocked out its voice. Too many other things have filled me up, preventing me from hearing what I really want.

I jump as the door handle clicks and the door creaks open. I quickly wipe the tears from my face and look around a shelf to see who it is. Instantly I pull my head back again. I should have heard from the echoing footsteps who it is.

Oh Lord, what am I going to do? Has he come to ask me that question that just yesterday I anticipated with happiness, and that I now fear with dread? Maybe he doesn't know I'm here… maybe he's just come to look for a book… maybe he won't find me… maybe he'll just leave… maybe…

"Katarina?" he calls.

Part of me doesn't want to answer. Another part of me thinks that I'm being stupid. And I think that part is right. I love Cirion. He has done so much for me. Why then do I hide from him? Why don't I just tell him the truth? Why can't I tell him where my troubles lie? I don't even know.

I step out from behind the shelf, hoping that he won't notice that I've been crying. "Yes?"

He hasn't asked me anything, is the only thing I can think of as I hurry to keep up with his long strides, crickets chirping in the trees on either side of the road, hidden behind tall garden walls. I don't know what I am feeling. Is it relief, guilt, disappointment?

"The sun will set soon; we must reach the river at latest by nightfall," Cirion says, only shortly turning to look back at me.

He hasn't asked me. Doesn't he love me enough to ask? Did I only imagine what he said to Marna just last night? Or has he realised that I am not the right one for him, that his mother was right in suggesting all those Elvish princesses? Does he know about the prince, does he know what happened behind that pillar? Is that why he isn't saying much to me right now, is that why he seems suddenly so distant? Is that why he has such a pained expression on his face every time he looks at me?

Somehow, despite my dread, I still long for that question to be asked. And I am yearning to give him that answer, 'yes'… except that now I can't give it, not without hurting someone else. And I don't want to hurt either of them, not the prince, not Cirion. But Cirion hasn't asked. What if he never does?

The great red sun slowly sinks beyond the horizon ahead. "Saaiwen will be giving Sir Salmeor the traditional drink of wine around this time…" Cirion mutters. "We are almost there. Hurry!" he calls to me over his shoulder, and I try to quicken my pace.

The streets are quiet and deserted. My heartbeat quickens: we have reached the main road, the muddy path between two Elvish sidewalks. It is deserted, as it should be at this hour. I haven't put my foot onto that mud path ever since I ran away from home, in a time that now seems like a previous life. When I look at it now, I can't believe I used to live in the stuff, walk through smelly puddles that leaked from ancient broken sewers, ignore the rat corpses strewn all over the place and even pick up and take home old bits of rubbish! I really have changed.

I haven't thought about all our rules for so long now. No owning of books, hair always tied up, no running, no going out at night… I can read now. I have found out that my hair looks much better loose, hanging down my shoulders in long brown waves, free to dance about whenever I run through the house in a hurry. I'm not even afraid of the night anymore, and the dark.

Or am I? Old instincts cause me to furtively glance up and down the path to check for Raiders, but the streets are all empty. Just how long will they be empty?

Cirion takes my hand and hurries across the road. I see the great golden gates of the palace flashing in the last rays of sunlight. "Wait here," he whispers, taking a key out of his pocket and disappearing in the shadows.

I stand there and wait, shivering, wondering what he could be looking for. I hope that he won't take too long. Somehow I just don't feel comfortable here, so alone, after dark… I wonder how Saaiwen is. I hope whoever I marry won't ask me to go through the torture of a wedding like hers.

Don't think about weddings. Do not think about weddings!

The night is dark around me. I wish I weren't so alone. I wish someone could tell me what to do, what to say, what to decide… When is Cirion going to ask? And when he does… how do I know what I will reply? What if I don't think, if I give a rash answer and then regret it?

But how could I regret marrying Cirion? He is so good, so noble… he loves me even though I am a human. And I love him, and I know that I love him more than I could ever love the prince. It should be so clear that the only answer I can give is a yes…

I hear voices behind me and whip around. I almost scream. I quickly press myself back against the heavy bars of the gate. There they are, trooping slowly and quietly out from behind the gate. Two, six, ten, eleven Raiders. Behind them, they are leading their horses, the deadly black horses whose hoof beats I have always feared, whose neighing has followed me in every nightmare I have ever had…

Suddenly, a gloved hand is clamped over my mouth. I am filled with every dreadful memory I ever had of the Raiders, every horrible dream that kept me awake and trembling in the night.

"Hush! Katarina, it is only me! It is all right!" The Raider turns me around and pulls the mask from his face. "It is all right," he repeats, and gives me a reassuring kiss.

I almost laugh at my stupidity. Well, he is quite intelligent, dressing up as a Raider. But why would he dress up as a Raider? I realise that I don't even really know his plans for tonight yet.

"Maybe you should put these on; no one would suspect anything unusual to be happening tonight," Cirion says before I can ask anything, handing me some Raider robes.

"What about the others, won't they notice me?" I ask quickly.

"They trust me," he says.

Yes… probably he knows them from his guard work. I take the robes and move quickly into the shadows to change into them. It feels strange somehow, putting on the black mask that hides everything except for my eyes. I always feared these masks; now I'm wearing one myself.

As Cirion helps me up onto the spare horse he has taken along, I decide that I don't want to see myself in a mirror right now. Somehow, it feels rather comfortable to wear these robes, to sit so high up on a horse… I look down at the sword belted to my side. How many humans have already died upon this sword? How many humans will still die upon it?

"All right, you two, up-river," Cirion commands to the Raiders, "you three, down the streets to the left, and you two, to the right. The rest, to the human village. I shall take the river with the trainee."

"Yes, sir," – "yes, Captain," the voices come from behind the masks, then, with a clopping of evil hooves, the Raiders are gone, disappearing down different side-streets and alleyways, and we are left alone.

"Trainee?" I ask.

"Yes," Cirion replies. "So they would not suspect anything. You are the new recruit tonight, so to speak. Come, we must go to your village first."

I'm confused. Captain? Why Captain? Is a guard maybe higher than a Raider? I did hear at the ball that Cirion was going to be given a higher position… Well, I'll just follow him for now.

"Won't the Raiders you sent there see us?" I ask as I try to keep balance on the horse while attempting to make it keep moving. I have no idea how to treat these creatures – they're beautiful but scary, and just impossible for me to handle.

"They do not question me," Cirion simply says quietly. He looks over his shoulder to watch me and notices that I can't ride. "I forgot," he says, dismounting. "All elves learn to ride at a young age… for a while I did not remember that humans do not." He helps me back off the horse, then transfers me to his. "It will be faster to ride together."

It truly is faster, and so fast that I have to close my eyes so as not to get into a panic. But if I close my eyes, the same image always comes to me again: the same night, the same hoof beats on the soil, churning up the mud in front of our little shack. The rough voices of the Raiders. The howls of my baby brother, the last time I ever heard him. I see again Grandmama throwing potatoes at the intruders. I see again the pain in Mama's eyes. I feel again the pain in my own heart.

I wish I wouldn't cry so much.

"We are here, Katarina," he whispers. I open my eyes. I am home. More tears flow down my face, and I don't know if they're tears of homecoming, or tears of sadness at seeing all the poverty around me. Probably both.

Cirion helps me back to the ground. I am glad to have solid earth back beneath my feet. Then, he turns to the door and knocks. I take a few seconds to realise whose door it is. My heart almost stops. Sylvia's hut! Grandmama and Ophelia live here. What if they see me? What will they say? But they won't recognise me. They will be full of panic – they'll know, when they hear the knock. They'll know that it's the Raiders here. But it's not the Raiders. It's just me and Cirion.

But what does Cirion want from them?

The door creaks open a tiny slit. For a while, faint light from an oil lamp spills through the crack to our feet. Then, I hear a sigh of relief and the door creaks wider. "Don't worry, it's okay!" a voice I know as well as my own whispers into the hut. Then she turns to us.

"Ophelia," I whisper.

She doesn't hear me. She's talking to Cirion. "We're all ready – is it time?" she asks.

"Yes," Cirion says. "I will go to the river right now. If you will, you can come with me. Or…"

Ophelia has seen me. She is staring at me, her eyes wide with fear. "Who's that? Why did you bring another one?" she hisses.

I pull aside my mask. I push aside the hood from my head. I look straight at her. And she almost screams. "Katty!" she brings out after a while, stifling a little shriek. She rushes towards me, her arms outstretched, and next moment I am almost thrown over by the impact of her hug. "Katty Katty Katty! You're alive! You're here! You're back! Don't you know how worried we were? And my knitting's been so bad without your help…" Tears of happiness are running down her cheeks, mingling with my own.

How I've missed my sister.

"I shall leave your sister with you, then," Cirion says, bowing shortly, and I can hear the smile in his voice even though I can't see through the blurry tears. "I will return soon."

Ophelia just nods quickly, then turns back to me, squeezing me so hard that I can hardly breathe. "You'll have to tell us everything! Oh, good Lord, we'll have to tell everyone! We were so worried for you! We prayed for you every day! And look at you, you're so well and… oh my, you're so tall and so strong and – Katty, you've been drinking milk, haven't you? You look too healthy to be true, come in!"

And while her babble washes over me, I let myself be led into the hut where Grandmama and the good old Hag are waiting. Grandmama looks more frail than ever as she stumbles over to me, sobs shaking her old body. And somehow, suddenly everything else seems unimportant. I just want to stay here forever, poor and worthless, but loved and cared for, and happy…

***

"He just turned up two nights ago or what, that Raider," Ophelia says. "We were scared to death, seriously we were! Sylvia was almost going to have a heart attack; she's never been visited by Raiders before."

We are lying on the floor, under our tattered and threadbare blanket. How deliciously uncomfortable it is…

"But what did he tell you?" I ask.

"He didn't say anything about you! I never knew he was that close to you!" she giggles. "Oh, will you invite me to the wedding though?" she asks.

"How did you know there was to be one?" I ask, giggling myself. "He hasn't even asked me yet! And aren't you jealous?"

"Oh, me, no," she says. "I feel perfectly all right like this, taking care of Grandmama and Sylvia and the house. My knitting's bad though, and I don't want to have children because otherwise what will they wear? I'm too clumsy, I'll drop a baby or cook the socks and wash the cabbage. If we have cabbage, that is…" She bites her lip.

"Will you ever forgive me for running away like that?" I ask after a while.

"Why, of course, Katty!" She laughs. "We've forgiven you long ago! We were much more worried about your well-being than what you had done!" She hugs me again. "I really missed you. I thought I saw you last Sunday. There was an elf lady leaving the palace close to midnight, and she looked so much like you… I couldn't help hoping. And see, our prayers and hopes have been answered! You're well, look at you! And the clothes you were wearing last Sunday… they were just glorious! Your Raider friend must be really rich!" She stops and bites her lip again, as if she has said something too much.

"He's not a Raider," I say. "He's a guard at the palace. He's the one who smiled at me… months back."

"He's an elf, Katty," she says. "You're an elf. With those ears on you are."

"I had to stay," I whisper. "I was sick."

"You're not sick now," she says.

I hesitate. Then I sigh. "I don't know what to do, Ophelia… I don't know why I'm even still staying with the elves… partly because I love Cirion, but… I don't know…"

"You enjoyed it, didn't you, being rich?" I can't miss the edge in her voice.

"Look, you would have too," I retort. "And you have no idea what it's like! I had to learn all those stupid table manners and stupid habits like lifting a too-long glittery dress slightly above the ankles – slightly, not showing too much leg – just to walk up the stairs without stumbling! I had to go to school and be bullied by a merciless evil teacher, I had to stand being glared at day by day by Cirion's heartless big sister, and now I'm torn apart between two men wanting to marry me and what's wrong with wishing for a better life for once?"

Ophelia is silent. She looks at me unblinkingly. Then she says, "Okay. I'm sorry. Probably I would have done the same if I had been the one… I don't know." She looks away. Then she turns to me again. "Who's the other one though?"

"You'll never believe it," I say, and for the first time I laugh about it. And actually it is something to laugh about. It's utterly crazy. Why do I only notice that back here, in this patched-up, poorly built shack that lets in wind and rain and smells of every meal ever burnt on the stove? "The prince, you know, the one in the palace, he's half-human and he decided to propose just today. It's stupid, isn't it?"

Ophelia gapes at me with her mouth open. "Say yes, Katty!" she exclaims. "Say yes! Never mind the pretty smiling Raider, you can't say no to a prince!"

I sigh miserably. "I don't know… that's the problem, I don't know."

Just then, there is another knock on the door that I recognise as Cirion's. Ophelia and I jump out of bed as Grandmama walks over to the door and opens it.

Cirion enters, pulling a very reluctant and disgusted-looking Saaiwen with him. "Here," he says, "is my sister. I hope it will be all right for you if she stays here."

"Of course!" Grandmama says. "We agreed, didn't we? We'll keep her, pretending that she's some distantly related cousin, take care of her, feed her…" She looks slightly annoyed about all the extra work, but that is just typical of Grandmama.

"Come," Ophelia says, taking Saaiwen's hand. "I'll show you around our palace." She laughs, sending me a sisterly look. I can't help feeling a bit unsure about this thing. Saaiwen looks horrified at having a human touch her clean pure elven hand. But I guess she'll just have to get used to it.

Cirion turns to go. "Come, Katarina – we should return home before we are missed," he says.

For a while, I am torn again. Part of me wants to go with him, go back to the soft bed at home, to the warm Elvish food set ready on the table, more than enough to fill me. But how can I leave them again, these people who mean so much to me? This past hour has been so wonderful, more wonderful than all the weeks at Cirion's house. No moment can compete with these moments I have shared with my family, in my true home… except maybe the moments I spent with Cirion. And Cirion still has a question to ask – a question that I want to hear.

I hug Ophelia, I hug Grandmama, and I hug Saaiwen. I even hug Sylvia. "What, Muffin, you're going?" she asks.

I nod, wiping the tears from my eyes. "But I'll be back," I whisper. "I'll be back, don't worry. I will."

And I know I will – I don't know how, but I do.

***

I don't notice at first that he is leading me a different way than usual. Only after walking down several streets do I notice that this is not the way we came by. "Where are we going?" I ask, suddenly nervous.

"Home," he says, "but by a longer route."

"Why?"

He stops. He holds both my hands. "Katarina, I have things to tell you – and things to ask you."

My heart beats faster. Somehow I have a feeling I know what he wants to ask. But what does he want to tell me? I look up at him, waiting.

"It is not easy," he sighs at length, "to tell you these things."

Someone has said these words before. Someone has said these words before, just this same day. I feel cold.

"Katarina, I love you," he says, "and I know that this means I should be entirely truthful with you. So I shall tell you the truth. And I ask you now to forgive me. There are things I should have told you long ago, and withholding them is as bad as a lie. And I confess, I have told you lies as well."

I feel very cold.

"I knew many of the things you told me. I knew that humans suffer. I knew that humans are treated badly, that they are set far below elves and all other creatures. I knew of your mistreatment, I knew about the Raiders you told me about… those known as the Guard among the elves. Katarina, I knew… because I am one of them."

There can't be anything colder than this. My world is falling apart, cracking and breaking, shattering, crashing, gone… all I was clinging to in this world, this world of elves and wealth, all that is melting, melting, flowing away… like the tears now streaming from my eyes, flooding, bursting their banks…

I want to scream. Or maybe I'm screaming already.

Cirion… my Cirion, the only man I truly love… It can't be true… it can't be true… How can he be? The only elf who was ever kind to me, who ever showed me his caring, the first to ever hold my dirty, filthy, diseased human hand, the first to kiss me, the first to love me despite the great gap between us…

How can he be a Raider? How can he be that incarnation of evil? How can he be? I want to die. I want to fall through the ground and sink away and disappear. How can I still live?

He is a Raider. That is why the other Raiders trust him. That is why they follow his commands. Is he the same Raider who took Mama away? Is he the same Raider who had potatoes thrown at him as he took a screaming Adelio from us?

I hate him. Oh, I hate him.

And I wrench my hands from his grasp and run away into the night, thunder rumbling overhead.