SciFi and Fantasy Stories: Natural Disaster *Prologue*
Confused? You might be. Natural Disaster is a story that I've been writing for quite a long time, although it was formerly known as Tempest. After some planning and a few random thought bubbles, it struck me that Natural Disaster was a much better fitting name. This is the most up-to-date version of this prologue, and I have the next few chapters planned out so hopefully you'll see some updates in the next few months. Constructive criticism welcome. Enjoy.
The season of the sun made the
cobblestone streets of Arendell a harsh and unwelcome
place.The air
remained still and dry without the hint of a breeze.Clouds of dust sprang up beneath the feet of
townspeople as they rushed to complete their morning errands.So intent on their present plans, several
stumbled, nearly tumbling to the ground themselves.Upon noticing the obstacle within their path,
a number cringed and shied away from the old man.He appeared to be nothing more than a beggar,
idly wandering the streets, but appearances can be deceiving.Dirt and sweat mingled within the deep
creases of his face, and his filthy, threadbare garments hung heavily on his
frail form; but he had not always been found in such a reduced state.Years ago, long before time had shown its
face within his looking glass, he had held a place of high regard within
society.A court bard by trade, he had
been sought out by High Lords and Ladies alike.Now, he drifted through the lands of Aramel,
wishing only to be heard.
Townspeople continued to avoid him
in the street, unwilling to be seen in his presence for more than a brief
moment.The old man sighed with regret
as he watched.Years had given him a
power that only comes with time, that of wisdom.The world he remembered was not as it should
be, and it would only continue its downward spiral if his story was not
heard.With a voice that carried the
years of a much younger man, he began his tale.
“I invite all manner of folk to
draw near and hear my words.The tale I
have to tell is of things long past, and perhaps if there are willing minds,
things yet to come.It was many years
after the beginning; nevertheless it is where the story of our world should
begin…
“There have always been the Gods,
for how can anything else exist with no Gods to create it?And so they created our world and all the
living beings that populate it, but they were not the Gods one may think of,
for they cared little for the common and often tedious affairs of the races
they had created.And so, to spare them
the discomfort of being ill-tempered parents, the Gods gave birth to the
Elementals: Earth, Air, Fire, and finally Water.With the creation of new guardians complete,
the Gods rejoiced and departed Aramel, returning to
the world of the immortals.
“Left behind, the Elementals bonded
more quickly than any other being before them.Their love for one another grew in abundance and they sought to share
it.The four watched over the people of Aramel, caring for them as if they had been their own
creation.As time passed the curse of
immortality clawed at the hearts of the Elementals as they watched generation
after generation of their children pass away.It was a pain only time would heal that lead the four to a firm
agreement.They would honor their
children, bestowing upon them the power to call upon the Elementals at
need.At birth an infant would be marked
as kin to the elements.From that point
on, he or she would be gifted with the ability to summon all the powers the
Elementals possessed.Immediately, the
four scoured the world for those worthy of their glorious gift.Yet, with the best of intentions it was not
long before problems arose, for each Elemental held a different value of
worth.The male spirit of Water, the most
energetic and youngest of the four often chose the babes he found suckling at
the breasts of their beautiful mothers.This infuriated Fire as she was quick to feel the fever of jealousy.And so, Fire was careful to choose only those
babes whose mother’s souls had fled during childbirth,
soothing the hearts of the grieving widowers.Earth was a generous spirit who found room in her heart for every infant
she encountered, choosing only the children born into poverty.Lastly was Air, and he spent the most time in
his search, finally choosing those infants born into families shunned by all;
the outcasts of Aramel.Again the years passed as the Elementas watched their children grow and learn of the
power held within their mortal bodies.It seemed a joyous achievement, but in their triumph, they failed to
notice the growing rift between them.
“They were no longer the loving
companions and caretakers that they had once been, for each now only loved the
kin they had personally chosen.They had
made the fatal mistake of a parent who without understanding loves one child
more than another.Fire and Water had
long been lovers, as had Earth and Air, for they alone could both calm and fuel
the roiling passions roiling within the other.Unfortunately, as is the case with many men and women, jealousy
eventually overtook Fire’s love, and she fled as far from Water as she
could.That is why to this day, a flame
will not flourish where water has left its mark.Water, realizing his error
and overcome with grief, fled to the farthest reaches of the land only to
repeatedly crash down upon the sandy shores.The salt of his tears filled the seas as they
rained down from the clouds above.Earth
and Air, although both more open-minded and understanding than their friends,
too were no longer able to settle their differences.And so, Air in terrible anguish separated
himself from Earth, hovering just beyond her reach.Earth in great desperation created the
mountains, longing to once again feel Air’s embrace, but he regarded her with
little more than chilly disdain.The
four continued to love the kin separately, but apart their strength had greatly
diminished.
“The people of Aramel
grew restless.There were some who
remembered the time of the Gods and created places of holy gathering in their
honor.They came to be known as the
Members of Faith.There were also those
marked by the Elementals, who created brother and sister academies throughout Aramel.Through
these institutions they trained members of the kin and honed their abilities,
eventually earning the title of Elemental Priests and Priestesses.At the start the two beliefs intermingled and
caused one another no harm.However, slowly,
just as the Elementals had drifted apart, the Members of Faith feuded with all
who disagreed with their beliefs.They
were unaware that the Gods, to whom they were so devoted, cared as much about
them as one might care for an ant squashed beneath their boot.And so, it came to happen that many of the
kin were hunted.Very few of those
marked at birth remained willing to suffer through the training that would only
further place a target on their backs.And that is the current way of the world.”
The story was complete, and he had
done all he could.Gazing out upon the
onlookers with a spark of hope, the old man watched as one by one, the small
crowd that had gathered dispersed.Men
and women alike returned to their early morning business, wearing startled
expressions, clearly unsettled that they had become so immersed in a beggar’s
tale.With a clear sigh of
disappointment, the old man turned and continued his roaming.
Came in from the tour. You have outlined a very interesting world to check into. I'll try and find my way back later to read more. Brie TheCheeseGirl O'Reilly replies: "I really have to thank Julia for adding me to that tour. I'm glad you stopped by. I'm hoping to have the first few chapters of the story uploaded in my next ticket. Thanks for commenting."
Nice intro. Seems like it really works! The sad story of the creation of a world. It's got a lot of potential. Brie TheCheeseGirl O'Reilly replies: "I seem to be getting loads of comments today. I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for stopping by!"
hey! Sooo.. this is the new one eh? Well, I like the more personal element of the old beggar, knid of relates it a bit more to the world you've created. The only thing I would suggest (you probably don't feel like doing anything more to it, so just a thought) is that if you are going to have it as a speech, that he is saying, try structuring it more like that, maybe breaking every paragraph to write that a new person sat down, and have him trying to convince people to listen, you know like street performers do? Anyway, I still really like the idea of the elements being torn lovers, and I loved the bit about earth making mountains to try and reach air. well done. Brie TheCheeseGirl O'Reilly replies: "Thanks bunches for reading. I agree completely with your suggestions. I really wanted to convey that more and more people gathered and listened, but then left without fully grasping the moral of the story. I'll have to fix that now, haha."
From what I remember of the old version, this is extremely different, especially the beginning, but most certainly an improvement. Your writing has gotten a lot better - and it was by no means bad before. I still need to read this rest of this story, and I'll probably be back soon! Brie TheCheeseGirl O'Reilly replies: "Wow, that really means a lot. Thanks bunches. I would suggest holding off on reading the remainder of the story. I plan on fixing all of it, but I haven't really gotten past the prologue. I'll be sure to let you know when I have anything posted."
Wow. Very nice. I'm always interested in what writers come up with for myths / legends. This was very well thought out as a system for explaining the way it is. The idea of the elements loving, quarreling, and reaching out - thereby reshaping the world - seems very genuine.
Nary a nit to pick. I agree with ^^ Christabel that it might be nice to work in how hard the beggar is working to try to get somebody to listen - but that's gravy. Nice job. Brie TheCheeseGirl O'Reilly replies: "Thanks so much for re-reading, especially since you were one of the people that prompted me to change it. I'm glad people are enjoying it."
18 Mar 2006
Christopher Heffernan
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I think any criticisms I could give on this have already been said by other people, so I'll just say that you've got my attention with it. I'm awfully tired right now, but I'll read through the other chapters at some point. Brie TheCheeseGirl O'Reilly replies: "Oooh, hi! As much as I'd love for you to read through the rest, may I ask that you wait? I'm rewriting it, and as it stand I think it's poo. "
eh funny... Im commenting the same day the first commenter commented! lol i really like the ideas you put into it... it seems like you put alot of thought into how to make the story the man tells say what you want it to and i think the outcome is awesome! Now, start fixing the rest so i can read it or...or... il set my flying monkeys out to prod you with pointy sticks Brie TheCheeseGirl O'Reilly replies: "Wow, that is odd. Although, the version you're reading is completely different from the version I originally had posted. The plot of this one likes to change quite often, as does the plot of Rya and Etcher. Oh well. Thanks for reading!"
17 Aug 2006
Edward Ramirez
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Wow that's really good. The elements set in place because of troubled relationships. Gods that don't care for what they have created. I like it! Definitely a big jump away from any cliche. Really creative. Very good Prologue. Brie TheCheeseGirl O'Reilly replies: "Thank you. I'm working on the next few chapters as we speak, so hopefully my muse is willing to help a little."
So I'm guessing that the Members will play the role of the big, bad Church and the Priests and Priestesses will be the fugitive rebels who are actually the good guys?
If so, nice way to set it up! I like the gleeman intro, and I like the use of Elementals. Question is, though, will the Gods actually have any input into the story.....? I can't wait to find out!
(PS - Thanks for stopping by my page and having a read. Much appreciated.) Brie TheCheeseGirl O'Reilly replies: "Thanks for stopping by. I love comments like this one. It lets me know if I need to give more of an explanation or give less because people are catching on too darn quickly. I'm in the process of getting the first few chapters posted. I'll let you know when they're up."
A very interesting read, and a good start. I have to agree with the above commentors that adding some more blocking in with the dialogue would definately add to the scene. I have one little nitpick that will help with any long monologue, and it has to do with the use of quotations. When you end a paragraph within a quotation, you do not leave a quotation mark at the end -- so far so good, -- but when you start a new paragraph within a quotation, you do put a quotation mark at the beginning of it (at least, that is my understanding). For example:
"Blah de blah blah blah blah blah blah blah now I am ending a paragraph. "I begin a new paragraph like so, with a quotation. And I shall blah some more. Blah de blah blah blah blha blahhh, and here is an other end of paragraph. "And we start with a new quotation. Blah blah blah, still talking. And now I end my speech."
Get what I'm saying? This helps the reader decifer between what is being said and the action in between.
And only one more criticism -- perhaps, along with adding more action *between* the text, you could add some more interest from the people at the beginning when the old gleeman starts talking. It seems like he's just bellowing this story out to no one, and it's not til halfway through that you realize a crowd is there. Maybe just mention a few people stopping to listen as he starts.
I know how it is though -- sometimes ya just gotta get the story outta ya, and when it's a character you've chosen to narrate, there's not much time in the thought process for writing the action in between the dialogue. --^_^' I hope that made sense. Anyway, a fantastic start. I can't wait to read more! Brie TheCheeseGirl O'Reilly replies: "Hrmm. I quite understand everything you've said, but I'm not sure I'll ever get around to fixing it. We'll see. Thanks for the nits, though!!!"
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