This is the start to a story I will probably never complete. It is about Chloe's first transformation into a were-wolf and I just loved writing the discriptions of the moonlight. Enjoy, but don't expect any more of this one.
It was full moon. There were no clouds, no trees to block the view
from Chloe's window and no parents to stop her from sitting up all
night, gazing at the silver orb floating above her. That was the
best thing about boarding school. She had a cubicle to herself, no
sharing with her idiot brother, John, who was always complaining to
her parents when she tried to moon-gaze. Here, no one minded if she
was up until three in the morning, as long as she didn't disturb
anyone or fall asleep in lessons.
Chloe loved the moon. It held a magic beyond even that of books, the
magic which drew her to it every night. It was a cold and distant
magic, forever hidden, forever tempting her with glimpses of its
nature. Tonight it seemed especially strong, even for a full moon.
Chloe found herself longing for the touch of its silky shine on her
skin, longing for it to come and ease some of the pain that often
threatened to overwhelm her.
It was the pain of not belonging. At home, at school, in the boarding
house or in her cramped corner of the shared bedroom in the London
flat with her brother's mess spilling out onto the floor in a
writhing heap, wherever she was it made no difference. It was as
though there was an invisible bubble surrounding her, cutting her off
from other people. She could not break through it however much she
tried, so she had turned it into a sort of armour. Chloe locked
herself away from the world and, if she ever got lonely, she gazed at
the moon.
Suddenly, Chloe knew that the time had come. She had been waiting for
this but, now it came to it, she wasn't sure if she wanted to do it.
However, she had no choice. The moon had her feet and they pulled her
gently from the bed, landing her on the floor as softly as falling
dust in a sun beam. A new lightness had overcome her body, creating a
blanket of silence around her as she drifted down the sleeping
corridor to the stairs and then down their steep spiral to the ground
floor. The front door was locked, of course, but this proved no
obstacle, as a milky light surrounded the keyhole and it clicked open
to reveal the silver moonlight gleaming off every surface. To Chloe,
it appeared as though the whole world was honouring the magic of the
night, rejoicing in the moon as it shone far above, reflecting and
enlarging the glow till it filled her vision and she could see
nothing else. A faint strain of music, a perfect tune caught in time,
filled her ears as the moon swelled to fill the sky, magnified by the
tears that blossomed in Chloe's eyes. The world shimmered, dancing
with lights, swimming with shadows, swirling round and round her
head, flushing into her heart and soaking it in the cocktail of moon
magic. There was no escape from its pure power, its force so gentle
that it did not even seem to be there, yet so powerful that Chloe
knew she would surely die from it, die from the energy being poured
into every facet of her being, die from joy.
And so, like all moon-children had done before her, and all shall do
after, Chloe made her first change. It began slowly with a shudder
that filled her up, shaking her very essence to the core. It passed
up her body, loosening bones with harsh clicks that echoed around the
empty school courtyard. Her jaw dislocated, her shoulders popped out
of their sockets and her knees buckled as every joint in her body
protested against the unnatural contortions that racked her frame.
She felt that she was being taken apart piece by piece, her muscles
screaming as they tried to grow, her bones yelling over them, her
skin joining in the orchestra of pain that was being conducted
through her body, like an electric current being forced through a
wire too small for it, shrill, insistent, eternal.
The world of calm silver was gone now, the moon had betrayed her, led
her out to endure the torture that was waiting in every deceptive
beam of light. Her last friend had left her, brought her to suffer
alone, betrayed, betrayed, betrayed. Chloe curled into a ball, her
shoulder blades straining against the skin of her back.
How long she lay there, Chloe did not know. But finally the pain
ceased and she felt able to raise her head. The beauty of the night
had returned, the nightmare was over, but something had changed.
Suddenly it was not peaceful but full of crackling, jumping energy
and excitement. The soft music had changed in her ears to a vigorous
beat, pulsing with life and purpose. Chloe leapt to her feet, feeling
her muscles respond in a new way, the right way. The way they were
meant to respond. She bounded away into the night, dancing with
wonder at the ease with which her legs carried, wishing to speed away
as fast as possible and never come back, to leave the school, leave
her parents, leave the world altogether and go with the moon wherever
it led. Her new tail slashed the air with eager anticipation.
How funny to think that she had dreaded this night! When her
grandmother had told her, Chloe had felt so scared, so terrified of
this freedom.
“You are like me Chloe,” her Grandmother had said., “You
have the moon-child's blood in you. You must make the change when
your time comes, as must I. You must leave this world and find the
other. Your moon magic is strong, Chloe, possibly the strongest I've
ever met. You're time will come soon, very soon. Be ready for when it
does.”
At the time, Chloe had not known what she had meant, but over the
past month, she had slowly found out what her Grandmother had been
saying. She was a moon-child, a werewolf, and she must be ready to
take up her inheritance when the time came. She would know. The moon
would call her, as it had called her Grandmother, and so many others
throughout the globe. And when it did call, she would follow it -
where?
But none of that mattered now. All that mattered was the chase, and
the road that the moon cast for her to follow.
wow, that story is amazing. your descriptions of the moonlight are great, you really capture the emotion. and the description of the pain is god too, you can really understand the horrific pain.
Katie "FireBird" Wakelin replies: "Thanx! I really enjoyed writing the descriptions and, well, I call it stroking the words with my pen, when I love the phrases so much that I can feel them etched into my heart......... Glad you enjoyed it!"
Your prose is solid, and your descriptions paint a vivid picture. Sometimes you add a little bit to your sentences that is unnecessary like "gazing at the silver orb floating above her." The "floating above her" really isn’t necessary to give us the picture you want... no huge deal, just a little thing that can be cut to tighten up your style. If you like it, keep it... it’s your style...
You have a few minor punctuation errors, like comma before proper name when in quotes "You are like me, Chole." always... Also, no big thing that another edit won’t cure.
The plot is fine, but a little open ended, which left me wanting more. I would have liked her waking up in the morning with blood on her or something, and I also didn’t buy the moonlight opening the lock. You give the moonlight power over her, which is fine, but you might want to hold off giving it a physical entity, ie able to pick locks, open doors, move things... Just a thought.
Well done! Katie "FireBird" Wakelin replies: "Hmm, yeah. Punctuation ain’t my strong point and I’m desperately trying to improve so thanx for spotting that! My sentences are constantly getting too long as well. I just have too many descriptions in my head! lol! And for the lock, well, I completely understand your point. I just couldn’t think of another way to get her out!
Very nicely done. I enjoyed the open ending to this story. I’m not sure how to say this, but I think I would have liked to have drawn the conclusion that she was a werewolf without being told. I felt pretty confident in that thought, before you actually said it in the story. However, with a few more clues like fanged jaws, or howling at the moon, and than the reader would figure it out for sure even without using the term werewolf. Then it almost feels like you’re in on the secret with the creature. Beast and reader bound together with unspoken knowledge. Katie "FireBird" Wakelin replies: "Yeah, I need to work on mystery! Glad you like! ^-^"
Its sort of bittersweet, because even though shes "happy", she has a hard life ahead. Plus, what will she think she she changes back?
could you give some more info on werewolves?everyone thinks differently, but I want to know your views. There are all sorts of werefolf legends. Katie "FireBird" Wakelin replies: "Hmm....Well I have several versions of werewolf legends even in my own head but here are 2!
1 A people that breeds through a blood bond(Were-wood story) where one wolf of one gender bites a human of the other through the neck (nice eh). The human gets changed into a wolf with human like body and wolf paws and muzzle. Covered in fur with huge pointy ears and tail. Can turn more wolfy or more human at will. Hunts in packs.
2 Typical werewolf: Changes at full moon, first changed by a bite. Most of the time human, turns savage when wolf. Slightly longer legs than normal wolf."
In the story you said they have moon magic, and Chloe never got bitten, so what is that about? Katie "FireBird" Wakelin replies: "OK, right. These were-wolves are different again. They are born into the clan or family of wolves through a strange spiritual/bloodline connection. They don’t need to be bitten and it doesn’t necessarily follow through their human family. In this case it’s skipped a generation from Chloe’s grandma to Chloe but sometimes it just arrives new into a family. It is an almost completely random process. They can make their first change at any point in their life, some never even know what they are before it happens. once the first change is made they can spot other wolves and always change at full moon. They have secret societies hidden from humans. One day they go and never come back. They send their souls to the moon like going to heaven. The moon magic is what they use for concealment and fighting and change. It’s like the essence of being wolf."
It’s pretty good, with nice descriptions, but the moonchild thing is kind of vague. The way she is drifted out into the yard and yanked apart kind of doesn’t make sense, but this is a cool way to show off your writing techniques
Very nice. I like this one better than the Slymaria one. I like it quite a lot more, actually! Often the transition between werewolf and human is really badly written, very awkward, but this was beautiful and perfect. I love the way the moon changed in all her points of changing and the description was wonderful. You’re very talented, great work!
22 May 2008
Anon.
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I love the descriptive language in that story i also like the way you treat the moon as a friend and gradually you uncover the mstery of the moon. Write more PLEASE! leema.
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