SciFi and Fantasy Stories: Pride of the Father - Prologue
This is the beginning of my Deljin Norre works. Pride of the Father will be the first book. This Prologue may end up being redone, as it's probably better suited to the second book. I don't like writing prologues, so let me know what you think!
In the
beginning, there was nothing. Whether that nothing was dark or light is still
debated. Did darkness grow to consume the light? Or was all dark? Was the
nothingness a swirling mass of light and dark, each struggling to gain
dominance over the other?
There are
many stories of creation. How were the stars born? What gave form to the
Universe? How was breath gifted to each being?
Ah, the
questions… Are they truly relevant? Does the beginning make a difference in the
scheme of daily existence? It was long ago. Are there ancient texts documenting
“The Beginning?” Would an all-knowing Supreme Being have need of such a thing?
Doubtful.
Beings
evolve. It is so slow that it is generations before it’s even truly noticed. We
look back as if in shock from what we were to what we are now. Tis such a
subtle thing.
Two
beginnings, so different, yet destined to be forever entwined. Such was the
fate of two separate planets, Gausa and Lae-Tav.
Both
primitive in their beginning. Both growing, evolving into key factions that
would rule the Universe.
Gausa, a
virtual paradise, well-balanced with deep, wondrous oceans, snow-capped
mountains, fauna & flora, as well as strong timber and other such natural
resources. Energy, commonly known as “magic” took hold there. Yet, it wasn’t
quite magic – the energy gave its gift to specific women, making them more
aware, giving them a well-rounded knowledge for the world around them.
Extending their awareness to worlds beyond the one they lived on.
That
awareness grew, a sense of responsibility (some call it greed) came upon the
women there. They believed that they could show others the path of peace and
prosperity. Knowledge was their God. Like true evangelists, they sought to
enlighten the path of others.
Finding
resistance to their beliefs, they began to impose their “enlightenment” whether
it was sought or not. They trained for battle. Developing technology to
enlighten the non-believers. They became a mighty force. Crushing resistance
wherever they journeyed. As they encountered other beings in their galaxy, they
took over primitive governments, (for their own good of course). They imposed
their belief system and their way of life.
Rituals,
rites of passage and other such institutions crept into their society.
Superstitions became reality. The energy that was originally freely given to
all, became focal to one family. Over time, it was discovered that specific
traits were being passed down from daughter to daughter. These women became the
Rulers of the Universe. The Queens of Gausa came into existence. They ruled
supreme with the Mursoi taking up arms to overcome any resistance. The
Guardians became the scholar-priests that perpetuated their belief of true
enlightenment.
Across the
Universe there was a well-balanced, spiritual people known as Tavcoa. The
Lioneese had overcome their primitive nature to conquer their barren world and
survive in harmony with their harsh conditions. They were opposed to the
technology that the Queens were imposing upon the Universe. They felt the
destruction rushing forth that would eventually destroy all in its path.
Harmony within led to harmony without. They did not believe that the Queens
were “enlightened” at all.
They were
neither male or female dominant, each gender giving credit to the others
strengths and weaknesses. Their society had settled into a balance of
acceptance.
The
Lioneese began to support and give aid to the “non-enlightened.” Great Wars
ensued. Although war technology was frowned upon, many developed it as a matter
of self-survival. Weapons of mass destruction was made. The Universe reeled as
whole planets were obliterated in the wink of an eye.
As fate
would have it, two great leaders were destined to engage each other. Thus
changing the fate of all.
Heri Tau
Dossi and Werrak met on the field of battle in a little known part of the
Universe. They both were leaders of conviction. Neither willing to give in.
Both willing to fight to the death. Fate would and did intervene.
Among the
Tavcoa, there is a happening called “Joh-Mae.” It is an instinctual
manifestation of attraction between a male and female that are destined to
become life-mates. Some would call it a re-joining of soul mates. As some
believe that we were once neither male and female, but both, traumatically
separated somehow.
first comment juggling act...its a ritual and i didnt invent it so...anyway good story I like this, my guess is that the two had Jae-Ho or whatever it was called...I cant remember because one was a woman (obvioulsy because women are superior) and the other a man (because men are obviously super... ior... wait... that doesnt work...) and they fall in love and the Fathers object...or something like that Debra Lynn Turpin replies: "Joh-Mae - It's a bit jumbled in this piece, but it makes sense when you read the story. No father's were around to object, but they were at war with each other, so it was almost like a social taboo."
Impressive. I'm quite liking this. And there's more! *does a little happy dance* oh lots more!! *jumps up and down for joy and moves on apologizing for the uselessness of the comment because she must go read more* Debra Lynn Turpin replies: "Thank you. I still have a bit of work to do on this, but the rest of it is pretty complete."
Why didn't I read this BEFORE?! Why didn't you come and self-promote before?! Niiiiice beginning. Really intruiging, with a nice set-up to the worlds we'll have to follow. You did it simply, which is nice, because that way we aren't flooded with complicated explanations and rules, and foreign words. You just piece it out, with a few simple details, and we're (at least I) found it easy to follow along without becoming overwhelmed with complications. I'm really excited about this piece, which usually doesn't happen to me with prologues. It's actually nice that I came by it late, this way I have many chapters already uploaded to inhale. unfortunately I have a list of "to reads" a mile long, and I can't show favouritism and move you up on it. (well, I'm going to anyways, but that'll be our little secret alright?)
YAY! New, interesting reading. Becka kept rambling about this lil' series, but I always forgot about it (eep, sorry). Now I know why she enjoys it so much. YOU ARE A MASTER! Debra Lynn Turpin replies: "I honestly thought you had read this... Thanx much for your comments. I'm really not very happy with this, so I'm glad someone is!The story itself really kicks, but there's just something lacking in this, but then, you'll have to read on to figure that out. *smile*Hope to see you soon.(And as to self-promotion, I hadn't seen you around for a while and Bex seems to think you're missing or something!)"
Nice. It's very slow and deep and ponderous, which means that I, in my current 'on-speed-state', could hardly read past the first few paragraphs, and had to force myself to eat the rest.
^^not eat, you silly girl, READ^^
Oh yes, read the rest. Sorry.
But it's really profound. I'll have to read it when I'm not rambling and murdering silly... I MEAN MAKING silly comments.
Tehehehe... 'silly' is a funny word.
Yes, what was I saying? Profound. I love deep stuff that really makes you think. The first few paragraphs, they just run into each other so smoothly. And, having just dealt with creation myths a couple of months ago in English, I was especially intrigued.
I love the 'in the beginning bit'. *wink*
OOOk... that was the Tropical Fanta talking there. *head reels*
OOOkkkk... going soon, before I get REALLY drunk... GOOD WORK! *stumbles off page* Debra Lynn Turpin replies: "Thanx, I think? *smile* Tropical Fanta, huh? Glad you like this. I like it overall, but I think I need to rework parts of it. I'm still not overly happy with it."
Ah, good. A little more of the background that I muttered was necessary. Since you've reorganized things I'm going to recomment from the very beginning, brief comments only on stuff I've read before.
Che Debra Lynn Turpin replies: "Yay! Tis soooo good to see you. I'm glad you approve. *smile*"
Gosh I love prologues of such an epic nature as this!It can really make or break a story I think! but you've certainly hit the nail on the head with this one. How long have you been writing this epic fantasy? boo hoo such talent *eyes narrow with envy*
-Zo Debra Lynn Turpin replies: "Thank you for your kind words. I still honestly don't like this bit much, but everyone else seems to! I've been working on this story off and on for about 28 years, actually. It began formulating when I was still in High School. I have many pieces written that I'm still struggling to put together. Come back and visit anytime, you will always be welcome."
18 Jan 2004
D Joelle Duran
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Okay *grins* I reread it. It makes more sense now, and I enjoyed it more. What I still don't like is the ending. It feels like the phone rang, you got up and left, and never returned.
Perhaps something like a summary sentence at the end would help.
"And when the 'Joh-Mae' gripped Heri Tau Dossi and Werrak that day at their first meeting, the course of the universe would be changed forever."
Of course, you can put that out with the trash if you'd like. Just a suggestion!
Hope the weekend's going well, and the next time you have time, you don't get sick! =) Debra Lynn Turpin replies: "Yep, that's pretty much what I don't like about it either. I really appreciate the suggestion; I even like the wording you used! Mind if I borrow that??? *smile* Since I'm back to just one job, I might have a bit more time... So, not as inclined to get sick!"
I nearly laughed when I read the ending of this prologue and realised where you were going to take this story. I've never thought of putting two opposing characters together in a life bond type thing. That would make all sorts of interesting conflicts within themselves and the tale.
"That awareness grew, a sense of responsibility..." - these two parts of the sentence don't flow too well together at the moment. Could I suggest an 'and' between them? Thus, it would read something like: "That awareness grew, and with it came a sense of responsibility (some called it greed)..."
"known as Tavcoa. The Lioneese" - you mention both these names immediately after each, yet, as far as I can tell, they both refer to the same thing. Did you mean to have two names for them?
Hope you don't mind those comments. I liked how you igorned the actual creation as irrelevant. That's not something you see every day. It doesn't seem, to me, to need much rewriting, if at all.
The best part about it, is that there is 23 chapters to read after this. Debra Lynn Turpin replies: "Well thank you. I guess what I don't like about it, is that it really fits the 2nd book better than the first, but as an overall prologue, it does a pretty good job. I got a bit carried away with the Queen's story, as the Tavcoa are written about more extensively in the following chapters.I'm glad you liked the "passing over" of the creation story. I honestly have a ton of other information to get from my brain to paper and didn't want to dredge up a creation story just for the sake of it!I LUV comments. I wouldn't have posted this if I didn't want honest feedback. I am horrid at editing my own work and I tend to overlook things - (i.e. - the lack of the word "and"). Tis greatly appreciated.Yes, I intended to use two words for the same peoples, although I didn't explain why. (Not sure I can explain it, even though it makes more sense later in the story!) **okay, so it's 8 am and I've been up for WAY too many hours!**Thank you for coming by. Comment as much or as little as you like. *smile*"
I think it is great. your comment suggests that you would like to work it. THe only phrase I could think of, which needed reworking is "key factions". Debra Lynn Turpin replies: "Sorry it has taken me so long to reply to this. Time has been an enemy for a while now! I'm glad you like it, I hope you get time to look at the rest, its better. *smile*I'll take a look at that phrase - I appreciate you pointing it out."
5 Sep 2004
Jennifer L. Martin
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I like how the greater awareness of the Gausa led to the belief that they were superior, rather than greater understanding. I assume both species are human? I haven't read the rest yet, but do have an explanation for humanity on both sides of the universe? I'm always really curious about things like that. ^_^ Debra Lynn Turpin replies: "What a nice surprise! I'm very pleased that you dropped by and took a look at this. *smile*The Gausans and Lioneese are humanoid in most features, but no, not exactly human. As you will see in following chapters.I know this intro can be a bit confusing, I was trying to condense a lot of information. I'll probably pull it or severely edit it in the end.I do believe the following chapters make much more sense.Again, thanx for dropping by. I really appreciate it! I am quite taken with your Ytres world and will be by soon."
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