SciFi and Fantasy Stories
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'Mercury - Prologue *Revamped'


 
 

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Click For MoreDocument 9 out of 14 by Carly ´Lhena´ Silverton.

SciFi and Fantasy Stories: Mercury - Prologue *Revamped

Okay, this is the story i promised to invovle Christainty, Satanism and Paganism as one religion. Note: this chapter doesn't say anything about my false religion, just saying that I do discredit Christanity in this story. This first part just introduces my main character, leaving you wanting more, if you read. Please comment, I need comments, good or critique, just no flames, please. However, I have had two very skilled editor/writers look over thi three times and have perefected this part, so there won't be much to critque. Goood luck you critics and enjoy all loyal readers!

    Main Category: [High Fantasy]
    Sub-categories: [Romance, Emotion] [Vampires ] [History-based, Alternate Reality, Alternate Universe, Parallel Worlds]

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Alanna sat content, watching her mother pick up and place bits of bottle’s contents into her cauldron. At the moment, her mother was making a potion for Alanna’s oldest brother’s headache. She asked Alanna to go and find lavender from the meadows. Alanna eagerly complied, jumping down off her stool and skipping out the door, grabbing her basket and favorite deep red shawl.

She ran past her father as he worked hard to finish chopping the wood, while her other brother stacked it. The youngest of her three siblings, she was very respected by the others for having been the first to ever enter the forest near their house. She skipped her merry way there, as her long braid swaying back and forth between skips.

Soon Alanna came to the meadow, her skipping having turned to a peaceful promenade as she enjoyed the beauty of the path. Humming, Alanna took her time, slowly inhaling the sweet aroma of lavender. Filling her basket with a small bunch the herb, she made sure to determine which was lavender and wolfsbane.

Sunlight streamed in from between the thinned tree branches of the meadow, looming over head. Alanna quickly established the path she’d taken and followed it back; hoping her brother could wait long enough for her mother’s remedy without too much complaint.

She ran out of the woods and towards the house, she noticed her father and brother had returned inside for a late supper. Walking up to the door, Alanna popped her head in and yelled, “I’m back,” ready for her parents’ return cry of false delight as though she’d been gone forever. When the only sound she heard was the low echo of her own words, she cautiously walked in. Thinking, hoping, her parents were playing a trick on her. Walking into the kitchen, Alanna let out a scream of horror.

The sight in front of her made her heart falter in its regular pattern. The smell of iron filled her nose as she laid eyes on the blood splattered around the walls of her house. Her brother’s lifeless body was wrapped in a blanket of red, his clothes and flesh ripped and bleeding. Alanna’s eyes traced her mother’s pale, limp body on the floor as a pool of blood surrounded her head from the gash in her neck. Her eyes glazed over as she found her father, his head bashed into the floor, blood still streaming. His body lay halfway between the kitchen and the passage to the house beyond.

Abruptly, Alanna's figure changed from an eight-year-old's to that of a full grown woman of eighteen. The room swirled, and then filled in to a huge room of a castle. Complete with large windows looking out onto a beautiful kingdom, the room loomed on Alanna. Inside, the room was lit by wall torches and pillars of candles, the wax streaming down. The room contained a bed, where Alanna’s oldest brother was tied to the bed with ropes. He was weak, having been held captive for a decade.

Unexpectedly, a stranger burst into the room, his face obscured. His mouth moved, yet no sound came out audible to Alanna’s ears. She watched as the stranger circled her brother on the bed until he finally leapt on top of her brother. The weight of his form audibly pressed down on his ribs and crushed them. She tore her gaze away horror, but even after closing her eyes, could she not escape the sight of her brother’s rib cage collapsing and reforming into its original position.

She yelled out in horror and opened her eyes, only to come back to reality as her alarm clock sounded. The clock signaled it was twilight, perfect time for her self-proclaimed job of lookout over the city. The girl in the dream had been only a fragment of her past, unable to see past her ignorant heart - for that stranger was her enemy, having both taken away her family and destroying her last remaining loving and breathing family member. Unable to escape the horror her brother had endured even after closing her dream eyes. The stranger was a monster, face unknown, except to her brother. Her brother, the only survivor after the stranger’s attack on her family, was a monster long before Alanna‘s other haunting memory of destruction, now and forever.

The first nightmare’s feeling of horror and guilt stayed with her into her second dream and lingering still, she shivered. The image of her dead parents flashed before her eyes once more before her mind contemplated this night’s plans. She rubbed her eyes and slid out of bed, replacing her pajamas with a pair of old, grey sweats and a t-shirt. She had been careful to go to bed extra early, late afternoon to be exact. She felt as those tonight would the best night to be well rested - for the full moon.

Alanna easily found her way to her window next to the bed, her room brightly lit by the full moons’ silver rays. Carefully sliding the old window up and letting in the cold, crisp air, she looked out. She gazed over her neighborhood of suburban homes and paved streets, before her eyes traveled to her body’s parent’s car parked in their drive way. She took up her soft, dark blue sweatshirt and crawled out the window, ready for her night’s adventures.

 
 

©Carly ´Lhena´ Silverton. All rights reserved!

DateNameComment 
22 Sep 2007:-) Jake Hook
Oh my gosh!!! I can't believe there aren't any comments on this! I read the other mercury and it was amazing! You should keep going with this. Well Done!!!
11 Oct 2007:-) Marta L. Pato
yeeyy!!! I think this prologue is great! =D I love it! I can almost see and feel everything as if I was the character!
30 Mar 2008:-) Nicoline Badenhorst
Wow, that’s an amazing intro. I’ve never read anything quite like it. Only, sometimes it’s too confusing... "The girl in the dream had been only a fragment of her past, unable to see past her ignorant heart - for that stranger was her enemy, having both taken away her family and destroying her last remaining loving and breathing family member. Unable to escape the horror her brother had endured even after closing her dream eyes. The stranger was a monster, face unknown, except to her brother. Her brother, the only survivor after the stranger’s attack on her family, was a monster long before Alanna‘s other haunting memory of destruction, now and forever." You jump from one topic to the next within a sentence, which makes it kinda hard to follow your thoughts- who’s the monster, her borther, or the guy who killed her family? One other thing- have you ever tried shortening your sentences as you reach an exciting point? Your sentences all are quite equal length, which in itself is perfect, only you might want to try putting in a "breathlessness" feel when you get to the blood scene.
Great suspense, though, and just right to get me caught up and sitting on the edge of my chair! Can’t wait to see the next chapter! Especially with those hints you gave...
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