SciFi and Fantasy Stories: Otherworld's Sausage: Chapters 1-2

Chapter one:

Veggie soup

There once was a demonic zucchini named Stuart, who was friends with a teddy-bear in a top-hat. The teddy-bear was possessed and had glowing red eyes, and he liked to make pies. The zucchini was long and skinny and hated a broccoli. This one broccoli had shoved him in a toilet in the men's room before. So, he vowed revenge, on this broccoli.

Three thousand miles away, on an island in the Pacific Ocean, a palm tree swayed alarmingly. The cause? At the base a broccoli slowly worked at trunk with a spork, as it had been for the past three hours, to further its plans to finish the total humiliation of a certain zucchini that is had met at a football game last Speak Like a Pirate Day and partially humiliated in the restroom.

Three thousand miles back, Stuart was eating a delicious (yet evil) pie that his possessed teddy-bear had made. In his spare time, Stuart would often ponder the intelligence of a demon that would possess a teddy-bear in order to work around the kitchen. The rest of the time, Stuart would sit in the chair in his study, smoke his pipe, and plot of a way to get back at the broccoli (named Phil) who had shoved him into a toilet a couple of weeks ago.

He still smelled.

The hydrochloric acid that he'd bathed in had not helped in the least, and had simply caused most of his skin to burn off.

So one day a French Chef named Leslie, who was either a woman who looked like a man or a man who looked like a woman, realized that he had run out of both broccoli and zucchini. He got out his heaviest and most painful wok and walked off to find, a zucchini, and a broccoli, a maniacal and vicious veggie-whopping look on his androgynous face.

A mysterious sunglass-ed carrot sat in the shadowed corner of the kitchen, and watched him/her go. The carrot got out a cell phone and murmured something into it. Several peas zipped down from the roof on zip wires, and grouped together to form a temporary bridge that the carrot could walk up, up to the counter, where the knives/sporks were.

In the meanwhile the androgynous chef was talking with a pale-faced man in French down on the corner. The two exchanged pies and nodded, before the androgynous chef and the pale-faced man walked off in separate directions. On the roof of one of the buildings was a bat who could speak every language except English, and he understood what was going on with these secret agents and their conspiracies of pie. Silently the bat flew off after the pale-faced man up to Chateau d' Kumquat.

Meanwhile while this was going on in the meanwhile there was something going on in the meanwhile. The carrot quickly grabbed a spork and headed out the door to confront the male or female chef, only to discover his way blocked by a donkey. The donkey quickly picked the carrot up in his mouth while the carrot shouted in pain and flailed about, poking the donkey with a spork while the donkey chewed horribly. "AAAAAAAHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Placidly the donkey spit out the spork and ridiculously tiny cell phone and went on his way to meet a French chef at Chateau d' Kumquat.

Outside, a manhole decided that it had had it with humans and decided to try a carrot before moving on.

Thus the second carrot the only other carrot in town, died that fateful night.

In the meanwhile the broccoli was having little luck sawing the coconut tree in half and he got bored. He went walking around invisibly, due to his super-high-tech invisaray being turned on. He kept walking into walls however, which the broccoli said was because "the walls could not see him," but which a kindly police officer told him was because he was "drunk".

Stuart the zucchini watched all of this action from the top of a coconut tree, while eating an evil pie, and he got a plan.

The broccoli continued around the corner. As he walked, his mind got to thinking, and he thought that if the walls couldn't see him, neither could the floor, and thus he fell. Down through the dirt (or maybe that manhole) and landed in an underground chamber.

Two mad scientists stood in this chamber, and they both made fun of one another, one for his hair, and the other one for the fact that his brain floating in a tank above his head.

Stuart and his teddy-bear jumped off the coconut tree and went about the city with evil plans in their minds (well, an evil plan in the zucchini’s mind, the teddy-bear mostly had fluff and a radio transmitter).They were looking for the broccoli. But alas they could not find the broccoli. They combed the city for the broccoli for thirty minutes and eleven seconds. They gave up their search after the comb got stuck in a narrow intersection.

Meanwhile the broccoli was having little luck with the mad scientists, who had hooked him up to a live-voltage electric chair in the hopes of bringing him "TO LIIFFEE!." The broccoli insisted "But I ain't dead!" but the mad scientist with his brain floating in a jar started mocking the other mad scientist for his horrible toupee, at which point the toupee started to feel very badly about this and scuttled off. The now bald mad scientist raced after it while the other one threw the voltage switch, and there would have been a Cajun-blackened broccoli for dinner that night if not for the sudden appearance of a pale-faced man and a chef that may have been a man or a woman but may of course have been something entirely else.

Then the chef's nightgown caught fire and burned away, revealing both fully developed breasts and a penis.

And at this same moment, the zucchini happened to enter the room, and because of this scene was thoroughly embarrassed. He cried because he was so embarrassed, while the broccoli laughed and the teddy-bear was ambivalent with an aura of menace. While all this was going on the chef hit the veggies over the head with his wok and cooked them into a veggie soup with the previously secured carrot and peas that wasn't especially good, but which the teddy-bear liked and as he ate it dribbling all over he laughed maniacally, and thought up schemes of world domination.

The end.

Chapter two:

Moon monkeys

Or, perhaps, it wasn't the end. After the teddybear had eaten his master and the other veggies in this horrible soup, he looked around, and he wondered. Wouldn't the world be so much better blown up? The teddybear stared blankly at the world around him, and then got an idea. The transmitter in his head shot up like a long radio antenna, a small satellite and other wires and gizmos popping from the top of it. The teddybear was signaling somebody. Presently a phone rang, shot out of his head, and handed itself down to the teddybear, from a robotic hand, which had also shout out of his head. This teddybear had a lot on his mind.

"Hello? Yes? Then we will meet at the moonbase at seven? Good." The teddybear ended the call, the robotic hand reaching down and hanging it up. The robotic teddybear laughed evilly, ate a slice of pie, and headed for the moon in a stolen Russian satellite which was very crappy and burst into flames shortly before landing.

But he had forgotten about, the moon monkeys.

The horrendous moon monkeys.

Shrieking, they would surge forth in murders (the name for plural Moon Monkeys, really) and attack any living thing in sight. Their long fangs dripping venom before their pink eyes, they surged toward the still flaming Teddy Bear. The other thing the Teddy Bear had forgotten was that Moon Monkeys were very small. Gerbil-sized.

Then, causing extreme puzzlement to all watching, the moon vanished, the monkeys with it.

However, one elf stationed in his escape pod on Mars knew exactly what had happened. In fact, he had caused it, using the last of his valuable resources, which was why he despaired so. His latest attempt to get off this measly planet, which involved sending out a signal to his friends who had ships which had not gotten in the way of a Neanderthal battleship, had backfired entirely. First, the signal had fired in the wrong direction. Then, it had hit the primary satellite of Earth and imploded, bringing the moon with it. He cried.

Suddenly due to the elf's extreme ineptness, the moon, monkeys, teddybear, moonbase and all, popped back into the universal frame of existence and came sailing casually at the elf, while the elf screamed at the top of his lungs from inside his ship, hitting controls frantically, which did nothing more than causing the ship to back up at high speeds into the left nostril of the face on mars, where it got stuck. It then burst into flames. From his moonbase the teddybear watched in amusement while the elf screamed, nearer and nearer the moon came---then got caught in the gravitational pull of mars and whizzed past in an oblong loop.

Amazed at this incredible ineptness, the teddybear pried a few gnawing moon monkeys from himself and his tophat and headed down to mars, where he knocked on the ship's flaming door. A shaky elf answered.

"I have a question," the teddybear asked. "Would you care to join the League of Superveggies?"

"What?"

"Look, if you agree to go find the League of Superveggies, pretend to be qualified, and join it, I'll help you get off this planet."

"Oh, thank you!" The teddybear piloted the elf back to earth using his crappy Russian satellite. The elf pressed a button marked radio. Suddenly the ship was in flames again. The elf looked shiftily from side to side. Soon they were back on earth. The elf joined the legion of veggies in two hours, and four days after that, the entire battalion of super-veggies, from 6 different continents, had been reduced to a pile of flaming spinach and one severely squashed tomato, the elf looking on in horror. The teddybear laughed evilly as he watched this all from his moon-base, when suddenly, the doorbell rang.

Cautiously, he opened the door. Outside stood an orange-dyed platypus, which raised a flipper and peed on him. Sputtering, the teddybear slammed the door shut and sank to the floor, his stuffing too heavy for him to continue holding it up.

Meanwhile, down on (and in) Earth, a group of technologically advanced moles were vexed that they had recently lost their planets moon. They shot a tractor beam to the moon circling mars, but seeing as they were blind, accidentally grabbed Saturn, and pulled it toward them through the Meteor Field.

Or at least, that was what appeared to be the case to several dumb astronomers. The manhole, in its infinite wisdom, knew differently. Because the mass of Saturn is so much greater than that of the earth, the moles actually were pulling the earth to Saturn, and the meteor field bit only seemed to occur because the elves had dragged a good potion of them away moments before in order to mine precious minerals.

However, the platypus had a plan to right the cosmos and restore order. But then, suddenly, the teddybear was dry enough to stand up, he shouldered a gun, and he shot the platypus dead.

The demon-creature standing behind him, invisible, giggled and congratulated himself on the fine idea of drying his minion out.

Yes, you heard right.

The zucchini. After being pushed in a toilet, burned with acid, chopped, cooked, and eaten, was back. Of course, he looked much for the wear, and very stitchy and undead. The teddybear jumped when he saw him.

"What do you want!!?" the bear asked.

"Well a gin and tonic would be nice," the zucchini said sitting down by the fire. The teddybear looked alarmed. He was expecting the CIA, and if they saw his master here, the killing of whom had been his most recent assignment . . . Suddenly the doorbell rang AGAIN. But there on the doorstep was not the CIA, there to advise him on how to blow the earth up, as agreed. It was the elf.

"Hi. Um, I got stuck on Mars again. Can I use your phone?"

"The nostril again?"

"Lower."

"But I thought it was just a face on Mars?"

"So did I, Frank. So did I."

"But my name isn't Frank!"

"Who said it was?"

"You did!"

"No, I didn't," the elf informed him calmly, with a blank stare on his face. He then went into the teddybear's room, lay on his bed, and watched his tv. Soon the doorbell rang AGAIN. And this time, it was the CIA.

Not the CIA you would expect, however.

No, these were the Carnivorous Italian Association.

Slowly the Carnivorous Italians shoved their wide carnivorous chef-clothedness and hats into the door, carrying woks and spoons. There was the androgynous chef among them, and the pale-faced man, wearing a chef's frock and carrying a large extremely and illegally spicy sausage. The sausage dripped sausage juices onto the floor, burning large acid-eaten holes, and thought about how explosive he was. Slowly they continued to pour in the door, four, ten, twenty chefs mostly of large-framed size.

"Eef you want to enda ze world, zere is one way," the largest chef quipped voluptuously. "You exploda ze sausage on earth, eeta take all out."

"Howeva..." One of the others muttered, "won't zat take hem out too?" but was shushed by the rest.