This a short that I wrote after coming to a revelation about a song from the 'Toadies.' The revelation may or may not be correct, but I found it uncanny how it fits with the song. Can you guess which one it was? There is nothing much to explain about this one except that it is the result of a creative 'flashpoint' that I wrote and then walked away from. Enjoy!
She has known him for what seems like an eternity, rather than the few
short summer months they have been acquainted. They met one warm evening
at the cafe near her loft‚ where she enjoys reading her novels and sipping
the Daily Blend Select. That night was pleasant, a soft breeze was
bringing over a sweet aroma from the nearby pastry shop. The cafe wasn’t
crowded yet so she could enjoy her new romance novel without much distraction.
Just as the city streets were coming alive with night-life, her cue to
pack up and head home, a man took a seat two tables away. She noticed him
and kept reading, albeit halfheartedly. He was handsome, almost gorgeous,
but she didn’t let on that she was looking. He had a sharpness about him,
a mannerism that exuded refined, but he was rough at the edges, with a
little bit of stubble and an untucked white Italian shirt, unbuttoned at
the cuffs.
After a while she could tell he was looking at her. Not just looking, but
staring. His coffee lay there on the table, slowly cooling and untouched,
but somehow he didn’t make her uncomfortable. In fact she was just building
up the nerve to look his away and invite him for a chat when he stood up
and asked to sit with her. With slight surprise she agreed, and it was
then they spoke, engulfed with each other until the cafe closed for the
night.
Their encounters continued each night she visited the cafe, and eventually
carried on as they strolled through Central Park in the early morning hours.
He said he was an artist, with an MBA. He made his fortune and then decided
to pursue more artistic and philanthropic endeavors...and her. Before long,
they were spending every evening together, doing anything from strolling
along the endless sidewalks and sampling the robust culture within the
city, to dreamlike evenings in elegant dress at the theater or one of the
many art galleries.
As the summer passed she couldn't wait for the day to give way to the night
as her longing for his gentle presence took root in the innermost sanctuaries
of her heart. But no matter what she did, no matter how much she longed
for his sensuous touch, he would only leave her at her building doorway
with the warmth of his hand slowly and gently releasing from hers, along
with the stare of a love growing inside of him.
Tonight, to her exhilaration, he didn't decline her invitation to come
in. He didn’t let go of her hand all the way up to her loft, and he didn’t
hesitate when she lured him into her bedroom.
Tonight, he accompanies her on her terrace, where they both can see out
over the splendor of the city. She turns to him, her hand still in his
and embraces him in a way she had yet to enjoy. He holds her with his strong
form and he peers into her eager eyes to see the love she returns. With
a whisper he asks her ever so softly, "Will you be my angel?"
"Yes," she whispers back.
He draws his lips to her ear, caressing them with his lips before asking,
"Forever?"
"Yes," she returns, feeling the warmth of his cheek against hers,
"Yes."
"I shall not be gentle."
She smiles sinfully. "Please," she responds pushing herself tightly against
him.
"But I promise you...with me, you'll stay so beautiful...forever." She
stares into his gaze and then presses her lips against his, the sweet kiss
unleashing her desires. Softly and passionately, he kisses her, and then
he draws his lips under her chin. Slowly he brings one hand down to her
lower back and holds her figure to him as he brings the other hand up to
the back of her neck. He runs his fingers into her hair and he softly kisses
her down her neck, tasting her perspiration and making her quiver with
anticipation.
Charged with
all the longing and desire he has been holding inside for her, he bites
into her neck suddenly. She stiffens and lets out a yelp as his teeth pierce
her skin, and she resists but he is too strong. With a whimper she soon
falls unconscious. As she does, he holds her tightly, drinking her blood.
When he is through, he lays down his love as gently as he can, and closes
her eyelids. With her blood dripping from his lips, he kisses her cheek.
He then lifts her up and carries her into her bedroom, and with reverence
he places her on her bed and waits with anticipation. He waits until she
rises a child of the night.
Amazing. You spun such a wonderful tale. Like the commenter above me I was into the "awww" mood. You certainly pulled me in, I was there till the last word. Very chilling. I loved it. William A. Thorn replies: "Thank You!"
You write pieces that contrast so very completely! Yay! The only real advice I have for you is this; try adding a little more dialogue. It'll help hook your readers in, and give a little variation among those solid paragraphs you have. William A. Thorn replies: "Thanks for your input!"
'if she isn't a bit irked'...hmmm, shall we make that understatement of the year. I like the way you got so much into a short piece (well done, short stories are difficult) and the tension between him seeming to really care for her and what he actually does to her in the end. William A. Thorn replies: "Well yeah, I agree a "bit irked" is understating the situation...but just a tad."
Darn it! You're good at description too! *laughs sheepishly* I tend to get a little carried away with description. But this is awesome! I'd love to see more of your writings up! William A. Thorn replies: "And I am looking forward to more of yours. *poke* Well?"
When He started getting serious and intent towards the end of the story I was thinking he was going to turn out to be a serial killer. Oh wait, in a way I guess he is. Yikes!
One slight critique, in your description of him the word refined needs to be refinement... or the sentence needs reworked a little.
I have really enjoyed your writing. I can't wait until you add more. William A. Thorn replies: "Oh darn. I updated this story and forgot to add in your suggestion. I'll get it next time I promise!"
Wow, this is one of the best vampire tales I have ever had the privilege of reading. You have successfully entwined true love and the hunger of a vampire into one eccentric pattern. Great job. ^.^ William A. Thorn replies: "The best? Wow...dunno about that but thanks for the praise!"
Very interesting, to say the least. I like how you have made his hunger, not for blood, but for love (at least that's how it seems to me). Nice work! William A. Thorn replies: "He loves her so much he wants her forever. Talk about a commiment!"
I think it could have done without the very last line. Just that phrase -“child of the night”- is so very over-used, it deadens the impact. And it’s not like your readers haven’t figured out what he’s waiting for. (And if they haven’t, they need to read more fantasy. ^_^)
Other than that minor suggestion, this was a very nice read. I loved your usage of tense –I’ve been yelling at people all day about switching tense for no reason, and this was just such a masterfully refreshing change. ^_^ It also adds to the story, but more important to me was that it detracted from my incorrect-tense-usage headache. *huggle you for that* A very good read, indeed. The portrayal of characters wasn’t bad, either. ^_~ William A. Thorn replies: "Thank you. I was wondering when someone would notice the tense change and offer some input. As to the last line...it is indeed there for those who could not figure the situation out like you have."
Ok. Now that I got that over with (I was using a dictionary 0.o) I will say that I have a "weak spot" ofr anything that remotely has to do with vampires. William A. Thorn replies: "I am glad you enjoyed it so much. Thank you."
7 Sep 2004
Isabel. S. Reade
Loading...
I do not usually enjoy reading such short stories as I find they often contain little, but I think you may have just changed my mind. Nice work, I'll be sure to read more when I have the chance. William A. Thorn replies: "Thank You."
All material posted at Elfwood is covered by the Elfwood Rules. If this page break any rule(s), help us out, and report it to the ERB by clicking here!
All
rights are reserved for the work 'Forever' by William A. Thorn under
Elfwoods all rights reserved copyright policy
License
Main Category: 
You write pieces that contrast so very completely! Yay! The only real advice I have for you is this; try adding a little more dialogue. It'll help hook your readers in, and give a little variation among those solid paragraphs you have.
