Dear Klimpen,

I've recently become really confused about American and British spellings of words. I spell some words one way, and some words another, and various people are telling me that the one way is wrong, while other people are telling me it's perfectly all right, since it's an accepted British spelling. Is there just one way that's 'proper', or does usage vary depending on whether or not you're British or American, or does it not matter at all?

-- A geographically and grammatically confused writer.


Dear AGAGCW,

This one is a little tricky. In schools it depends on whether your country is under British or American influence, but outside of the educational setting, it rarely seems to matter. The main thing would be to stay consistent within your writings, and not putting "colour" and "favorite" in the same piece. It's basically down to personal choice, and whether you are trying to fool people into thinking you're not American.

Dear Klimpen,

My owner doesn't feed me enough. For some reason, she arbitrarily decided that my stomach doesn't need to drag on the ground, and, unlike my previous owner, she doesn't allow me unlimited food.

I am able to catch a few of the local furred and feathered feasts, but they hardly make a dent on my enormous appetite. My fur practically hangs on me, and while I can finally run up the stairs without wheezing, I can practically feel my ribs when I clean myself!

Please advise me! Other than the feeding problem, my current owner is an acceptable human, and I'd rather not try to find another one that puts up with my constant prattle.

Sincerely,
Wasting Away.


Dear Wasting Away,

Do you have small children in your household? They usually help when it comes to food emergencies like this. Just sit under the highchair and wait for the food to come to you! If you don't, you are going to have to turn on your acting powers. Be pitiful. Cry like crazy whenever your human goes near your food dishes. If you can manage it, try to act sick and throw up. This will guarantee your human will lavish love and special food on you. And when all else fails, create a diversion and jump onto the dining table. Be sure to run away with your goodies and not eat them there!

Dear Klimpen,

I've been nosing around Elfwood and I keep noticing something called the first comment dance. What the heck is this, anyway?

Signed,
Curious Kitty


Dear Curious,

See, they aren't really dancing about nabbing first comment. It just so happened that when they came to the page, the person really had to go to the bathroom. But they were kind of embarrassed, so, well, he said it was a dance.

Actually, it was just a spur of the moment thing that happened to catch on. Be sure to keep spreading this Elfwood tradition on to the new members!