Madame Million's Horoscopes
By Madame Million
|Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Body odor is an issue this month. Just because it doesn't bother you doesn't mean you shouldn't wear some deodorant. Make an effort to get away from the same themes that have been cropping up in your work lately; the variety will do you good. Sweet things will prove a suitable incentive to someone you need to motivate. Be wary of the number 6.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You have got to cut back on that addictive substance (caffeine, tobacco, whatever)! It's starting to have an adverse effect on your productivity. A daunting task that you thought you'd gotten rid of will be back. When picking a restaurant, go with your sense of smell, but don't ignore any creepy feelings you might get.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
Be careful about flipping people off this month; you may find that the wrong person gets the right message and makes life very uncomfortable for you. Some elbow grease applied to a dirty or broken tool will reward you with like-new dependability. Small fuzzy things will be irritating.
Taurus (April 21 - May 20)
It's time to give up on that project that's going nowhere. Admitting defeat will leave you able to put your energy into more productive items. Good news will show up later in the month, and you'll be delighted with your work. It might be time to switch laundry detergents.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
At times this month, it will seem as though everything you say is misinterpreted. Fortunately, everything you try to express in creative pursuits will come shining through. Pick your clothing with care. It's worth it to stop and pick up change that you find on the ground.
Cancer (June 21 - July 20)
Be careful what you throw away! One of those notes you scribbled on the back of a receipt will come in handy later. Substandard supplies will give you some hassles, but it will be short-lived. Your computer will be cooperative in spurts this month. Beware of people who say they don't want money.
Leo (July 21 - August 21)
An old injury flares up, putting a dent in your ability to concentrate and dampening your mood. It will inspire some new work, however, and you won't regret the inconvenience in the long run. When it comes time to make decisions, let your head do the thinking. Try not to break any dishes.
Virgo (August 22 - September 22)
Someone close to you will become unbearably flaky this month. Try to limit how much you depend on others. It's finally time to throw out that favorite piece of clothing. Fun will start to infringe on how much you can accomplish, but rearranging your schedule will fix the problem. Do something messy!
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
With enough willpower, you will be able to accomplish anything you put your mind to this month. Don't let doomsayers put you off. The concentration you use may leave you vulnerable to headaches or illness, but watching your health and taking breaks will take care of that. Noodles may provide unlooked for complications.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)
You'll feel on top of things this month, whether or not you actually are. Hold on to that feelings; it will help you through some difficulties. Sleep may be an issue this month; either too much or too little. Music will be that inspiration that you need for creativity. Keep your inside voice inside.
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 20)
Try not to dwell too much on 'could-be's, or you may begin to feel paranoid. Really, they aren't out to get you, and things won't be as bad as they could be. One of your favorite foods will taste terrible to you, but don't worry, it's just a fluke. Try it again next month. Something that comes in the mail will give you a papercut.
Capricorn (December 21 - January 19)
Your fingers just won't do what you want this month. What they do will turn out great, but it will be hard to get them to focus on the task at hand. Shopping will seem a great burden this month, and you will miss at least two sales that would have saved you money. Consider watering that droopy houseplant.