Like every mildly-paranoid columnist, Klimpen scrutinizes the page for any typos
both he and the proofreader managed to miss until the whole world has seen it.
(Photo by Thomas Abrahamsson)
I am a writer, or I try to be, I can't find a way to end my stories. I always get about 3/4 of the way through the story and then I can't think of anything. Another serious issue is that lately can't seem to write anything longer than three pages. These little mini-stories are great and could really be good as a scene in a story but I can't write a story to put them in. Should I rethink being a writer or what?
-- The Pen that was not around to be mightier than the sword
Keep trying! After all, there is nothing wrong with short stories. Maybe your stories don't end because you put too many elements in and can't tie it together? If your friends write, ask them about how to finish stories, or see if you can get any hints from books such as Stephen King's 'On Writing'. Good luck!
My owner spends too much time on the computer looking at Elfwood and I don't get any time to sit on my favorite chair (the office chair). If I am on it she just puts me down on the floor!
I'm a siamese and I deserve more respect then that! What can I do?
PS. Are you interested in seeing me in purrrrson? I could send you a photo.
How dare she! Although I can understand why she is always looking at Elfwood, she should realize that your chair is yours! I think you should try to get her to stay away from the computer, if you want the chair. Are there any other animals in the house? Maybe you could trade favors! As for the picture offer, I'm flattered but I don't have time for a girlfriend! It's so much work taking care of Thomas!
Does walking an iguana down the street have as much/more sex appeal as walking a dog? I'm hoping that, since he's big enough for a leash, Iggy will
be a help with the ladies. Am I totally wrong?
-- Pet Lover
Dear Pet Lover,
While some people might think iguanas are cute, they just don't have the cuddle factor that dogs (or more preferably, cats) have. Although if you are looking for more unique women, Iggy might be a good way!
We've got a couple of adorable kittens who love being petted. They seem to love it so much they start drooling, which is somwhat of a turn-off, I mean who wants to pet a kitty when all its going to do is drool all over your clothes? Any suggestions?
-- Drowning in Drool
Drooling usually means that they have some sort of problem swallowing saliva. I'd say either take your kitties to a vet, or make sure a towel is under them before you start to pet.
I keep getting e-mails from men who have seen my gallery. This would be
flattering except sometimes I get the impression they were more lured by the fact that I look nice in digitally altered photos than they were by my art.
In fact, in some of these letters they don't even mention my art! How do I politely inform these men that Elfwood is not a dating service without alienating them?
-- Not Too Cute
Dear Not Too cute,
Well, you can either completely ignore them, or just tell them what you told
me. Also, you could take your picture down from your page to lessen the income of mails. Although some people on Elfwood end up together, those
mails aren't the way to do it!
Every time a small object falls on the floor, my cats immediately start to play with it and, in a moment, the small object is lost forever, hided in some unknown place. Do you cats have the power of opening infradimensional portals?
-- A puzzled Striped Gal
I could tell you, but then I would reveal our plans...
||Klimpen knows everything. Go on,
him. Remember to put "Dear Klimpen" in the Subject field or he will continue to doze in that warm patch of sunshine.