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Photo by
Thomas Abrahamsson

Klimpen's Corner
by Klimpen

Dear Klimpen,

I want to join in on all the fun in IRC chat for Elfwood but I have no idea how to log into IRC. I have a chat program but it asks me for a server, and I don't know the address of any.

Have any ideas?

Signed,
IRC-wannabe


Dear IRC-wannabe,

There are a few different servers you can use for the Elfwood chats. For #lothlorien, you can try irc.rpgworlds.com, fury.rpgworlds.com, espresso.rpgworlds.com, chat.rpgworlds.com, and many others. Using irc.rpgworlds.com will connect you to the first avaliable server.

To get to #wyverns_library, use irc.shadowfire.org. All you have to do is type /server and then the server name, and then of course /join #lothlorien or #wyverns_library once you are connected. Have fun, and don't be intimidated by the craziness of it all!


Dear Klimpen,
I've been getting into too many cat fights. After a particularly nasty facial injury, I'm not allowed out side anymore! Please help me! I don't know what to do! Those other cats come right up to the window and sit on my patio like they own the place!

Signed,
Neko


Dear Neko,

Think about it this way. When the weather gets cold, you are inside, nice and cozy while those bully cats are stuck in the wind and rain. You don't need to worry about chattering, gossipy squirrels, children on too much sugar, or being hit by those big four-wheeled monsters.

Really, friend, you are living like a king!

And if needed, I do know a particularly nasty raccoon who owes me a favor...


Dear Klimpen,

I am a cat. But I'm afraid I'm not quite normal. You see, I'm at least twice as big as my siblings, I have long floppy brown ears, 3 large black spots, and non detractable claws. My tail sometimes wags without notice whenever I'm happy and instead of meowing I make a strange barking sound. As weird as it may sound, I also get the urge to chase and irk my fellow felines, and have had several embarrassing incidents while attempting to use the litterbox. I don't know what's wrong with me, but its been that way since I can remember, and my siblings are starting to tease me about it. Please help, I want to be normal!

Yours Truly,
Spot

Dear Spot,

I'm sorry to have to tell you the truth, but... cats like you are mutant. You are really the lower class of cats, and your true function in life is to serve the rest of us. Your job is to help out your siblings in any way, especially in bodyguarding when those things called
dogs come around. You also need to report information you find out from your feeders to the other cats, since the feeders will frequently take you on special missions alone. Good luck, and serve cats well!


Dear Klimpen,

I've always wondered how you keep your coat so sleek, shiny and beautiful. Would you consider sharing your beauty secrets with the rest of us?

signed,
Longing Fur You


Dear Longing,

Well, it is a strict regimine of sunbathing, plenty of high-protein food, and petting. Those humans always have oil on their hands, which helps keep my coat full of sheen. If your coat gets too oily, just roll around in some dust, as it will help dry out the oils. But not too much! And don't forget to frequently rub up against things (especially pants legs) to help rid yourself of those pesky loose hairs.


Dear Klimpen,

I'm a Wyvern's writer with vast delusions of competence. A while ago, a friend of yours asked me to update a certain story. She said please, with "Klimpen-shaped sprinkles on top." As I am a fan of sprinkles in general, I obliged, but this concept of "Klimpen-shaped sprinkles" intrigued me. What shape, exactly, are "Klimpen-shaped sprinkles?" Where would I obtain such an item? Do you sell them? If one were to donate money to the venerable Elfwood Project, would one be able to obtain a "Klimpen-shaped sprinkles" graphic instead of the normal 'Elfwood contributor/patron' graphic? Are the rumours of a 'Klimpen' sprinkle franchize true? Your fans are very curious.

Signed,
Annalee


Dear Annalee,

Klimpen sprinkles?! Someone is using my debonair charm and naturally good looks to make a profit and not informing me? Or giving me a cut? Where's my lawyer? THOMAS!


Klimpen is rather proud of his fine whiskers. He does not enjoy being sent away to a pet lodge when Thomas and Karin goes on vacation, but you can still to him. Remember to put "Dear Klimpen" in the Subject field or George will eat it.


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