This web page is part of a hosted copy of the WoodWorks eZine at Elfwood.  (#769)
The eZine is no longer updated, nor does it have it's own domain left... This also means that it's no use to contact the WoodWorks editors, etc, etc...

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 This web page is part of a hosted copy of the WoodWorks eZine at Elfwood.  (#769)
The eZine is no longer updated, nor does it have it's own domain left... This also means that it's no use to contact the WoodWorks editors, etc, etc...
Klimpen's Corner
by Klimpen

dear klimpen,

why does it seem like all the people who write you are not real? im not saying they are, but it just seems that way. are they really writing to you? or are you making them up? mabey thats just what those people wanna talk about, i dunno, don't get mad or anything. okay? well i hope you answer my question. :purrs and gives him a virtual kittie kiss: your sooo cute!!! well thanx

suspiouse kittie

Dear suspiouse kittie,

Oh no, these questions are all real. They come from all sorts of places and backgrounds and creatures. (Although we all know some creatures can be less-than-honest. Especially online.)

I, being a cat and all, have no reason to make any of this up myself, nor would I wish to. Granted, some of the questions may not be the dire emergencies some of the senders make them sound like, but they are all still actual questions I have received.

I...well...we have a problem...

You see, our creators/writers/colleagues (I know it is a bit confusing... just hear me out) have gone a bit insane.

They are too busy with creating new Crewmembers by pulling them from C-space than to get back to writing. At this time, it won't take long to have a population problem in the living quarters.

What's more...they both want to kill off established characters. And since many of us are now in their sights...well...

Let's just say that we already lost contact with a few friends.

...I'm scared. We don't know who will be next...

Is there any way that we can make them see reason? And more importantly, is there a way for us characters to stop them from killing us off? And even more can we make our creators stop making new characters?

Please help...

From a frightened wood elf herbalist

Dear Herbalist,

This sounds dead serious! I'm afraid things like this happen because your creators/writers don't know what to do with you now; they got bored and think new characters will spice things up! But you're right... this does pose a problem for you and your group of friends.

It's time to take things into your own hands!

Get in touch with the Muse (it's the being that connects you to your creators, and vice versa). I suspect she had been slacking. Pound some sense into her, but don't pound too hard - they're expensive to replace. If she doesn't have any idea what to do with you to make you worth keeping, I'm sure you can some up with something! So-called fictitious characters have been known to take charge before. Good luck, and write back if you're still alive.

Dear Klimpen,

I am owned by a small, foolish, many-toed cat who insists on crawling into the inner workings of my recliner and getting stuck. She had spent several nights trapped inside this recliner, but this doesn't seem to dampen her desire to continue climbing inside. I am very worried that one day she may get crushed in the closing mechanism, or stuck inside for a very long time. Any advice for keeping my cat out of the recliner?


Dear Recliner Owner,

If there is a space we felines can cosy up in (especially if it smells like mice and everything nice), we're in. Getting stuck is a secondary concern because our humans will rescue us. Usually. However, if something's already in there, we don't want to squeeze in too. Ditto if we don't like how it smells. Find out what smell your cat doesn't like and apply it to the recliner. Just don't tell her I said that.

Dear Klimpen,

Why do you keep shutting off Elfwood? Is the inside of the computer so comfortable that you need to disappoint thousands of people by breaking the website? Go lay in the sun!

- Irked

Dear Irked,

Me inside the computer is old news. I did that because Thomas keeps tinkering around with Elfwood and don't pay enough attention to me. These days, I realise that as long as Elfwood stays up, more people get to worship at the altar of my glorious cuteness. I blame the GEMs*. The problem sits with the fact that they stuff themselves with random images and belch up the foulest gas ever - so foul, the entire site curls up and passes out. We're in the process of exterminating them. Patience and ammonia salts!

* Graphic Eating Monsters

hey, i was wondering what happened to elfwood. did it get shut down or something because i really liked it there and had just started using it. so please, if you know what happened could you email me about it? thank you. :)


Dear Amy,

No, it didn't get shut down... not if we can help it! We have some technical issues that causes the site to go down quite a bit these few days (see previous letter). Mirar will update this page here if Elfwood is down (if he remembers!). Elftown also posts a notice on their Main Street, but you have to be a member to see it. Joining is free!

Dear Klimpen

Why are there no contributors guidelines quickly and efficiently available on the Woodworks Site? My housepet is in a frenzy trying to find them so she may send some articles for consideration. I may have to take her in for a sedative shot if this continues. *sigh* Humans are so terribly delicate, aren't they?

Egypt the White
Holder of the House of Denah
Fervent Follower of Her Mightiness Bastet

Dear Egypt,

Contributor Guidelines can be found at the bottom of the respective column or here. If your human doesn't find what she was looking for, you can always get her to contact us directly, or pacify her with chocolate. The chocolate always work when the editors here fly into a frenzy! Lovely name, by the way.

Purrfuzzies and kibbles go out to Ric, Ellen and all who wrote in.

Klimpen is fat and grumpy and still answering your letters. to him with your burning questions. Remember to put "Dear Klimpen" in the Subject field and include your Elfwood URL (if you have one). You can also use the WW contact form.

All articles and artwork are property of their respective owners.
No part of this publication may be reproduced without the author's consent.
Copyright © 2003 Woodworks eZine