Dear Klimpen -

Hello! I'm Padme-kitty, from Texas, and I have a problem that hopefully you can give me a new perspective on. I am kept perpetually indoors - to be honest, the outdoor world frightens me. However, no accomodation is made for my feline instinct to climb things. The squirrels mock my by running up and down the tree outside my favorite window. There is nothing in this house to climb - I once had a mattress that was standing half out of a closet, but my owners gave that away. So, lately, to satisfy my climbing urge, I have been attempting to climb my person. He is very tall, and he often wears blue jeans, which have a good snag factor. The only problem is that I can never make it to his shoulders without being detatched and scolded. I have even tried making a flying leap onto his shoulders from a chair, an attempt which nearly resulted in violence, as it seemed to cause my person a great deal of pain. What's a cat to do? How can I keep my climbing skills sharp without antagonizing my person?

Sincerely,

Padme-kitty
A Frustrated Siamese


Dear Padme-kitty,
Two words: "Countertops" and "Cupboards."

While these things are not truly as much fun to climb, they will at least allow you to indulge in your "perching" nature. (And rest assured, you are not the only Cat to suffer from Agrophobia (a fear of the outdoors). This condition seems to be affecting more and more of our kind daily. I only hope that one day a cure can be discovered.)

Dear Klimpen,

I am under the possession of two fourteen-week-old kittens, Florence and Harley (and how they adore you). My problem is that Flo and Harley insist on sucking on my sleeve and shirt as if they were nursing. Perhaps if they hard it from you, they would know that there is no milk in cotton. Could you please advise your two juvenile fans as to a cat's proper behavior?

Sincerely,
Not a baby bottle.


Dear Not a baby bottle,
I hope this will help:

"Dear Florence and Harley,
There is no milk in cotton. Stop it!"

Let me know how it goes.

Dear Klimpen,

I have a very big problem. You see I made the mistake of making war with the mushroom people.......again. Well, anyways the problem is that I, Queen of the Dustbunnies, need to go and take care of some matters with King Pandie and his Pandas. How can I put a stop to this war or put it on hold this war with Queen Kinoko?

PS. I don't think you are Fat.


Dear Queen of the Dustbunnies,

You reap what you sow.

Aside from that, it has been my experience that the Mushroom population does not move terribly fast, preferring, instead, to reside in one nutrient-rich place for a time. Its very possible that if you leave right away to visit with King Pandie that you can return before any serious actions are taken by either side.

Also, in case disaster does break out, it might be handy to have a cell-phone available to consult with your generals.

And P.S. - Thank you.

Hello again Klump- I mean Klimpen! ^^;;;

I have a problem, again. My brother Zergling was nutered a some time ago and while I enjoy the fact he's not trying to get on my back anymore, he's also become less interested in playing with me. My human tries to get us to play, but all he responds to is candy and on top of that, he's so greedy he doesn't leave me any. The only time he's interested in me is when I'm sleeping and that's when he comes to bite my neck and kick me in the head (really, this is exactly what he does). I'm trying to maintain my image of a tiny, little cutie, but do you think I should show him my claws for a bit? I'm not sure how much longer I can take this because I'm running out of patience.

Yours, Greg

PS. Thanks for answering my last mail. I still think you're the most handsome sir I've seen. =^^=


Dear Greg,

While its true your brother has been through an ordeal which dare not speak its name, he has no right to treat you as he is. I don't normally recommend violence in any way, but sometimes one must stand up for one's self.

Show him your claws, but if that doesn't work, you can always retreat to your Human as he attacks you. Its important to let Humans see what's going on sometimes, since they aren't as intuitive as we are.

PS - Thank you for the compliment.

Dear Mr. Klumpy,

I am envious of your vast communication skills. From what grand master did you come by this wondrous endowment of human speech? And who does your dry cleaning? That peaches 'n cream coat is so magnificent!

My question for today is this: My possessor, Jasmine, a beautiful female Russian Blue, has become very fascinated in you. She spends the largest part of her days laying upon my monitor, gazing down at the screen, and purring for me to bring up your gallery of Playboy poses. Are you interested in a mate? She is a devote servant of the great goddess Bast, and is the most stunning feline you will ever lay eyes on. She would spoil you rotten; bringing fresh mice home for every meal, give you back massages, groom your fur, and she even knows how to retrieve any item small enough for her to carry.

So would you be interested in a date with her, or even a brief online chat? She is an amazing cat, but to tell the truth, her constant pining for you has almost driven me over the edge!


Sincerely,
Almost insane

P.S. If you refuse, could you please give me any suggestions as to how I could mend her wounds from your rejection?


Dear Insane,

I doubt the "Almost" aspect of your signature. It sounds to me as if you are using Jasmine as an excuse to send out letters containing your own deepest desires. Your entire first paragraph is full of praise for me, and while most of it is true, its still a bit over-the-top.

I would be more inclined to believe that Jasmine is not purring to see photos of me, so much as to receive attention from you. We Cats, while we certainly appreciate nice aesthetics, are not nearly as picky as Humans are. I'm certain that Jasmine would be more than happy to frolic with other Cats in the area.

Does Jasmine also bring you mice, give you massages, groom you or even (the unthinkable) "fetch" for you? It sounds to me as if you have been neglecting poor Jasmine simply to pine for me over your computer. That's very disrespectful, and if you don't mend your ways it could very likely come to pass that Jasmine will abandon you, leaving you with nothing but printed copies of photos of me.

P.S. - Its "KLIMPEN"

Klimpen loves owns Ric (and all who wrote in).

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Klimpen is fat and grumpy and still answering your letters. to him with your burning questions. Remember to put "Dear Klimpen" in the Subject field and include your Elfwood URL (if you have one). You can also use the WW contact form.