Dear Klimpen,

My "roommate" writes poetry so bad that her plants die when it is read out loud. What should I... er, she do?

-Distressed Roommate

Dear Distressed Roommate,

First, get all of the hapless potted plants out of your roommate’s room. If you wish, give them to your cat, if you have one. If not, mail them to me. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a good romp in a giant fern or gnawed a tasty mint plant. Catnip is always nice too, if you grow it.

But I’m getting off topic. If you really want your roommate’s poetry to improve, try entering her in a poetry writing group. Being around other poets might give her new techniques that she never would’ve thought of on her own. It would also provide a way to get much needed critique for her writing. If you don’t have one in your area, try organizing one. It might be fun!

If you’re not that ambitious, try going to the library and buying a few of the classic poets for her to read. If anything, it might inspire her at least. I wish the best of luck to you and your roommate! And remember, if all else fails, send your plants to me!

-Klimpen

Dear Klimpen,

I just saw your new pictures on Elfwood, and notice you've gotten a lot larger, and not all in a good way. Have you thought about going on a diet?

Signed,

Slim Fasty

Dear Slim Fasty,

I think that you’re looking at this the wrong way. While many may see me as “chubby”, I merely see it as more of me to hug, cuddle, and pet. Besides, it’s not as if I never exercise. While I am quite partial to sprawling out in a nice, comfortable patch of sunlight, it’s a common stereotype that all felines ever do is eat and sleep. When I’m not batting one of my many toys around the house, I stalk the potted plants, or pounce the stuffed rabbit in Master’s bedroom. I also make a regular habit of patrolling the house at night, keeping Thomas and his mate safe from harm.

Grooming is a workout in itself sometimes. Do you realize how flexible one must be to lick one’s toes? You should try it sometime. When you’re able to successfully groom your own feet, then write back and tell me I’m fat. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go invade Thomas’s lap… *pads toward the living room* …Did I just hear him say “diet” and “Klimpen” in the same sentence? Oh dear…

-Klimpen

Dear Klimpen,

Is it true that someone is developing an Elfwood tabloid? And if so where can I buy it--errr, that is, isn't that a moral outrage?

~ Speculative Sue

Dear Speculative Sue,

Personally, I find tabloids offensive. Sometimes I feel I can’t even walk into a PetSmart store without seeing something regarding Lassie’s newest love affair, or an article about poor Bubbles the Monkey and his traumatic life in Hollywood. Don’t even get me started on human tabloids. Rubbish, all of it.

The thought of an Elfwood tabloid rearing its ugly head is enough to make me want to gag on a hairball. Really, folks, we don’t need such smut marring everyone else’s Elfwood experience! Now, if you want to read something really interesting, I read just the other day from a secure source about a Siamese cat living in New Jersey that gave birth to a litter of two-headed kittens! Fascinating!

-Klimpen