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Klimpen's Corner
by Klimpen

Klimpen takes a break answering letters for a snack.
Dear Klimpen,

As Elfwood’s official mascot, does Thomas ever give you any special duties?

–Insanity Incarnate

Dear Insanity,

The only real duty I have is occupying empty Lothlorien galleries. Thomas sometimes fills my cat box with the shredded remains of rejected entry forms and hostile emails, though.


Dear Klimpen,

How can I make my boyfriend pay more attention to me?

– Loveless Lola.
Dear Lola,

I’m glad you came to me. I have an entire arsenal of ways to attract attention; at least one of them should work for you! If your boyfriend is tired, try crawling into his lap, curling up, and purring. Rubbing up against his legs also works. You could also try batting at his toes or playing with his hair. If all else fails, bite his nose. This is guaranteed to get a reaction out of him. Show no mercy. If he throws you across the room, bound back and pounce the back of his head. Jumping on his stomach while he’s sleeping also works. Be ruthless! Either way, he’ll eventually catch on and give you a back scratch or a belly rub, or perhaps a nice catnip mouse. Good luck to you!

— Klimpen

Dear Klimpen,

What’s your attitude on dogs?

– Clifford

Dear Clifford,

Dogs are everything cats aren’t. They waste their energy chasing sticks and tennis balls when they could be catching mice. They demean themselves by doing actual tricks in exchange for a few table scraps, when all they need do is paw open the refrigerator door and help themselves if they get hungry. They have no sense of stealth at all. Inside the house, they knock glasses and coffee mugs over with their wagging tails, and they make a cacophony of noise when crashing through the bushes outside. Even their voices are loud and overbearing, and they can’t sing at all; the best they’re able to pull off being high-pitched, drawn out howls that often lead to the assumption that the canine is suffering rather than singing. They drool and pant and whine and whimper. They shamelessly beg for food at the dinner table and insist upon doing their toilet at a fire hydrant or a tree instead of a nice, tidy cat box.

Despite all of this, dogs are not without their uses. They can work rather well as pillows, provided they sit still long enough, and for all their barking and snarling, they can be rather intimidating when it comes to scaring intruders away. How many times have you ever seen anyone run from a housecat?

In short, my overall opinion is this: while felines will forever remain superior, dogs aren’t as bad as they seem.

— Klimpen

Klimpen is fat and grumpy and still answering your letters. to him with your burning questions. You can also use the WW contact form.

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