Dear Klimpen,

Have you ever been on TV?

– Kehrli

Dear Kehrli,

No, but many people like to compare me with that silly Garfield fellow. I don’t know why. I hate lasagna (Human food! Blegh!) and I’m quite fond of Mondays.

–Klimpen

Dear Klimpen,

Why are there new pictures all over Elfwood? Where did they come from? Did you draw them? (I mean like the lost in the woods page pictures.)

- Alice

Dear Alice,

No, I didn’t draw them. Thomas has more artistic ability in his thumbnail than I do in my entire pudgy, cuddly body. (Though this isn’t to say I haven’t tried! Once I knocked over a bunch of his paints and made a work of art of my own on the kitchen floor! He didn’t seem to share my opinion of it though.) I suppose there are new pictures because the old ones got boring! I dunno. I just shred the rejected application forms. *Preens*

–Klimpen

Dear Klimpen,

Why aren’t you a dog?

-Dave

Dear Dave,

That’s just like me asking you “Why aren’t you a slug?” Come on. Whatever created me obviously thought I was destined for better things than fetching sticks and gnawing on bones.

–Klimpen

Dear Klimpen,

How do you feel about the mercury levels in tuna fish?

-Jamie

Dear Jamie,

I wasn’t aware of the mercury levels in tuna fish. Should I be worried?

–Klimpen

Dear Klimpen,

Have you ever received any kind of public or media attention as the pet of the founder of Elfwood? It -is- the biggest amateur gallery of fantasy, scifi and short stories online, after all.

-Wildmage

Dear Wildmage,

No, I regret to say that I haven’t. It’s not fair. Elfwood would be nothing without me! NOTHING! I’m the best mascot ever! I get countless comments about how cute I am every day! Why the press doesn’t swamp our front yard every day with their flashing cameras and probing questions is completely beyond me.

–Klimpen