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Rebecca A. Morgan

"Dark and Stormy Night" by Rebecca A. Morgan

SciFi/Fantasy text 3 out of 7 by Rebecca A. Morgan.      ←Previous - Next→
 
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Everything happening in the story is really happening... (3 pages, finished)
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←- Celia | Mircha's Story -→
It was a dark and stormy night.

That does sound a bit trite, I know. And every story that is

trite, unoriginal and trying desperately to be horrifying starts with this but this, I assure you, is not going to be like all the others. Not with such a pretty author. Yep, this is going to be the singularly most orig-

“Narrator?”

“Yes, Author?”

“The story? I don’t believe that you’re reading your lines anymore, Narrator… And do you know what happens to Narrators who misbehave?”

“Ah… No Author, I would have to say I don’t. And from the look on your face, for some reason I think I wish to go on not knowing.”

“Well then read your lines, don’t pontificate.”

“Ok… where was I… Oh! There I am…”

It was a dark and stormy night. The treetops were being tossed about, almost as if a giant had reached down and was ruffling their hair, like grandmas are wont to do at family reunions with their grandchildren, who wish she wouldn't.

“Well. Humph. If they don’t want me to, all they need to do is ask. I take offense to that line, dearie. You need to use something else as a comparison instead. I should take a switch to the author who wrote that.”

“Grandma! I really don’t need the interruptions! I’m trying to narrate this and you aren’t helping! Will you please be quiet?”

“Fine, but you really should…”

“Grandma!”

“Humph.”

Dark clouds chased their way across the black velvet of the night sky, and only a twinkle here or there showed of the stars. The moon had been swallowed by the night and the dog-

“Dog? I want a dog! Can I pulease, pretty please have a dog, mommy? Pretty please, with a cherry on top?”

“No, you may not! You’re allergic, and will you please stop interrupting me!?! I really don’t want to find out what happens to Narrators who interrupt stories!”

“Narrator…”

“Oh! Um… yes. Where was I…”

-and the dog was tied up tight next to a deciduous tree which was losing its leaves. It lined the gravel path, along with several others, that lead up to the old mansion on top of the hill. Footsteps, heard by the dog, came up that white lane and caused him to go into a frenzy of barking.

“Poppa, I hear barking.”

“Hush, child. Your mother is working.”

As they neared, the dog quieted and went to lie down in the midst of a pile of fallen leaves. Steps creaked, and a doorbell rang.

“Momma, should I go answer that?”

“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, you’re old enough to answer that… that doorbell without asking me first!”

“Narrator!”

“Sorry!”

A deep bell toll filled the old house and overflowed into the surrounding area. Stifled giggling was distinctly heard, and the quick pitter-patter of little feet jumping off of the front porch. The front door was pushed open, with all the accompanying squeals and groans, and a tow-headed boy looked through the crevice he had made into the dark night.

“He-Hello? Wh-Who’s there?”
Giggling came from behind the bushes and he pounced.

“Ha! Gotcha!” The blond haired boy grinned gleefully at the twins.

“Hello, Trevis!” said the boy twin.

“Hello, Caius and… and…” Trevis’s face twisted as he tried to remember the girl’s name.

“Salem, you silly!” said Salem as she climbed out of the bushes.

“Come in, Momma’s reading a story! It’s great fun, although the author seems a might bit touchy about interruptions. So, shhh.”

“Shhh, yourself.” Salem answered pertly.

A door squeaked shut and footsteps sounded down the dark, dank, depressing hall. Portraits in dire need of a good dusting hung on the walls and knick-knack tables littered with knick-knacks cluttered the way. A voice was heard reading in the kitchen, and the footsteps headed towards it. The tow-headed boy burst into the kitchen in desperate need of a cleaning and cried, “Hello, Momma, lookit who I found! They’re my friends from school. You know, the Magical and Mystical school for Witches and Warlocks of All Ages? The MWA? I had asked them to come over for a slumber party, though I didn’t think they would be coming this late. You did say yes, right?” A worried look stole over his face and a note of doubt crept into his tone. “Momma, why do you look so strange? Momma?”

She (the narrator) turned towards me with puzzlement plain on her face, and asked, “Why is this script showing what’s going on in this room? And who are you, anyway? There’s no way you’re a traveling author as you told me earlier.”

I (the author) smiled and stretched before I said, with complete contentment, “That is a device which is called ‘A Marvelously Magical Story Maker for the Inept and Incompetent Authors.’ It’s rather handy and quite fun to use. I also happen to be the MWA’s new Superintendent. I thought this would be a good way to meet the students who go there.” I also had fun watching their faces bloom with understanding. I love my job sometimes.

←- Celia | Mircha's Story -→

DateNameComment 
20 Jun 2004:-) Inger Marie Hognestad
I think I see why this story reminds you of Hoarfrost and Throe 2 It’s because in the beginning you create the author and the narrator as meta-voices, commenting on what’s going on, much like I did with Hoarfrost and Throe. I do have trouble with the story though.

I tried to color code the different voices in the text to follow the conversation, and as far as I can see you have one fundamental PoV-shift, as well as some ambiguous passages where the ambiguity doesn’t seem to have any purpose. The PoV-shift becomes obvious if you compare the first two paragraphs and the two last. The 1.st person in the beginning and the end can’t possibly be the same person speaking, which means that you have two people narrating their own Point of View within the same scene, and it doesn’t work. It confuses. The other ambiguities stem from the reader having to guess who’s talking several places, the narrator or the author. The fact that you DO switch PoV’s in the end of the story, doesn’t make things easier.

I can vaguely see the outline of a story here, involving the device ‘A Marvelously Magical Story Maker for the Inept and Incompetent Authors,’ but as that explanation comes at the very last paragraph, it leaves the reader quite lost. I would advise moving that information to the beginning of the story, and use some speech designators to suggest who’s doing the talking. I also suggest you clean up that PoV-shift, as I think the scene is too short to justify that sort of radical change.

This is just my two cents, you have to follow your gut feeling, but why don’t you try out a few different tacks until you find one that works? The concept is amusing, and the story sort of have a dry voice that appeals to me 2

3 Rebecca A. Morgan replies: "That Really helps. Thank you. I was going to reread it to see where I had gone wrong, but I do believe that you have hit it on the nose. I am going to go fix it."
8 Jul 2004:-) Opal S. Parkison
I like this! It's quite clever. The best ideas often come around midnight, don't they...

1 Rebecca A. Morgan replies: "They sure do seem to at the time..."
10 Jul 2004:-) Alice Muffin Girl Smith
~ As far as dialogue is concerned, a hyphen (-) indicates that a speaker has been interrupted or is stuttering, while an ellipsis (...) indicates that the speaker has trailed off on their own or is pausing. Choose your punctuation wisely, my dear.

Kinda cool. *pause* This isn't helpful, is it? Aw, well. Funny stories don't leave much room for crits. ^_~

Looking at JAB's comments, and your responses to them, I guess I can say a bit more than I thought... Make sure that everything flows together. The Grandma is entirely random, now that I think about it, as is the Narrator and the Narrator's child: wouldn't the narrator have been the woman, and her child the "traveling author"? But the woman doesn't seem to have a child at the end... So yeah. Elements of the story that's being read don't match up to the ending. Also, why did the woman let a complete stranger A) into her house, and 7 answer her door?

...Come to think of it, this doesn't make much sense at all... I don't think I like it anymore...

Hey, Miss Sarah O.! You're pretty new to the Woods, aren't you? Here's a tip for commenting: when you can't think of much to say, read older comments. And if you agree (or disagree) with anything that's being said, hop on the comment train and mention it! ^_^

3 Rebecca A. Morgan replies: "Ouch. If my comments confuse you, then I do need to clarify something... If you would be so kind as to go through with a fine tooth comb? anything and everything would be apreciated. And if you could self-advertise, that would be wonderful, because I really have no time to come searching for new stories and updates on old. *bleh* And on top of that I'm coming down with something. *yuck*"
15 Jul 2004:-) Alice Muffin Girl Smith
How's this for self-advertisment: I just updated yesterday. Got's meself a Mod's Choice today. ^_^ *is in such a good mood* I've also got an update notification that I send out through e-mail... wanna be on that list?

For this tale, I'd say your best course of action is to go through, and just question each element. "Does this relate to the ending? Do I explain why this is here? Is this in any way helping the tale?" Stuff like that. I don't think a more thorough criting on my part would be of much help, because those aren't decisions I'm at liberty to make. Anything that isn't helping the tale or isn't explained should either be taken out or strengthened so that it does help the tale, and is explained as fully as it needs to be. The randomness of this was fun, but you need to be sure to tie up the randomness by the time the tale is finished, so that it's actually serving a purpose. At least, in tales that have plot lines or purposes, you do.

:-) Rebecca A. Morgan replies: "Ok. And yes I would like to be on your mailing list. And thank you for that helpful observation. It helps. ^_^"
24 Aug 200445 Your Mother
I agree with the POV comment. You lose me half-way through. I like the idea of color coding each person's dialogue when initially writing it so you can track who is saying/doing what. If you put it in word and did that, you could figure out where you went wrong (because I'm not sure I can at this point). Also, the MWA should be introduced earlier, but I'm not sure if the beginning is the place for it.

6 Rebecca A. Morgan replies: "Ok. I will do that when I have the time. 10 They are keeping us quite busy in orrientation. Talk about getting your legs walked off."
29 Aug 200445 Jaime
wow! i visit this site often, and although i havent put any of my art or stories up yet, if i need something to do ill go to the wyverns library and click 'read a random story.' i did this today and looked through your stories. i got to this one and just had to make a comment! i love the way you wrote it, i have absolutely no clue why, but i think its so creative. just the way you make it go in a circle, and the interruptions--it was great! i also liked your story, carol, even though its only about a page long (is it even that long..?) but that was really creative too, considering i love cats 12 ...oops, that would be the wrong comment board to put this on, wouldnt it? ah well, i enjoyed your story, thats the point. ill be checking back on you to see if you write more, and you better! (um...thats not a threat...i mean it in the friendly way...hee 1) i CAN see where some people would find the interruptions confusing but...well i didnt lol.

1 Rebecca A. Morgan replies: "I'm glad you liked it! I'm trying to make it so that anyone who reads it won't get confused, but as of right now, that's on hold because I'm trying to write more of Day the First. (And actually, Carol is a sentence longer than one page, single spaced.) ^_^ I hope to see you around!"
18 Oct 2004:-) Emma-Jane C. Smith
It's good that your going to edit it yourself, my head is spinning. But from what I made out it is good. Maybe add more plot line in it because it is a bit too short for what it wants to achieve.

Goodluck and keep writing!... or I'll kick your butt... or something...

6 Rebecca A. Morgan replies: "Definetly. I need to just sit down one day, and have an editing session. But not in the middle of midterm exams. *shakes head* I would be asking for trouble if I tryed to do that. ^_^"
10 Dec 2004:-) Spalven
Now, I like this story, I really do. It is pointless and cute, and not to mention well-written. But you loose me too, in the last two paragraphs...

I think this can be mended by two things: tell us who the "she" of the second last paragraph are. The kid or the narrator?


:-) Rebecca A. Morgan replies: "That would be the Narrator in the second to last papragraph."
25 May 200545 Ivy
hey becca.............
this is confusing me can you talk about it next time you call?
(I'm in the dark on a stormy night)

1 Rebecca A. Morgan replies: "^___^ You're funny. ^_~ I'll see what I can do next time we talk. "
30 May 200545 Ivy
Reread...
Wow with your explanation someone turned on the light*me*
and no more storming *yea!* ^_~

1 Rebecca A. Morgan replies: "*lol* Now, if only I can do that with the story, w/o having to explain. ^_^ I'll see if I can fix it. ^_^"
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'Dark and Stormy Night':
 • Created by: :-) Rebecca A. Morgan
 • Copyright: ©Rebecca A. Morgan. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Author, Child, Dark, Dog, Narrator, Night, Twin
 • Categories: Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc.
 • Views: 468

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