"The Way Out by Amellie Part 1" by Amellie Forbes

Part 1

I felt the pain in my head even if I moved my eyes the slightest amount. And it was all self inflicted. I had the worst hangover. And if I`d only taken the slightest bit of notice of my friend Adrienne last night I would`nt be in the state I was in right now. She`d already called me this morning and told me to shake my ass. Today was going to be a day of closure for me. Adrienne and I were going to my ex`s wedding this afternoon. Not just any ex. The love of my life. My soulmate. We were meant to be. Or so I thought. Fate it turned out had other ideas.

Two years ago Cameron Morgan`s mom stepped off a sidewalk and was hit by a car that was being driven too fast. She suffered spinal injuries that left her largely paralysed. The driver of the car was nineteen years old and stoned at the time. He`d tried to make a run for it but he did`nt get very far. He got off lightly in comparison to Cam`s mom. Being a single mom she could`nt afford life cover or health insurance. Her only son was her life after her husband had left. Her life and Cam`s changed for the worse that day. Mine did as well. But I didn`t know how much just then.

Cam and I struggled on for another fourteen or so months after that, but things were never the same again for us. I`d loved his mom before the accident, but after she`d become a nightmare to live with or to even be around. Naturally she was angry and bitter with the world. Depression followed and not just for her, Cameron too. He dropped out of college to look after her, but he had no help from the state. He had to manage on his own and with just the help myself and a few others could offer.

So when things started to fall apart between the two of us I put it down to the strain and pressure he was feeling from looking out for his mom. He`d begun to push me away, and to be frank, at first I did`nt really mind much. Our relationship was nothing like it once was. We were both young, but we were being forced to live the lives of carers. The fun times had gone. Life had become hard and very dull for us both. Eventually it got to the point where I was only seeing him a couple of times a week. He`d changed so much by then, and I guess I thought he just needed a bit of space for a while. His shutting me out was an act of kindness on his part I thought.

He dropped the bombshell as I sat next to him in the empty parking lot. I was glad of the privacy. He told me we were over and though the pain was hard to take it was mixed with a small amount of relief for me. He was never going to have a good life now and I would`ve felt restrained by the shackles his life now bore as well. Yep. Selfish, I know. I cried anyway. I cried for what might have been. We were made for one another and I loved him with all I had. I knew it was the same for him. Then he really did shock me. He was seeing someone else. Kim Reynolds had been at high school with us. She`d liked Cam for as long as I can remember. It had never been a big secret. Cam used to use her infatuation with him to yank my chain, which it did, but then we`d end up laughing about it. But the joke was on me now.

A year had passed since then and I`d got my life back in order again after being a mess for many months. By that I don`t mean to say I ceased to function completely as a person. I mean that I took it very badly and ungraciously and did some things I`m not proud of and in fact I`m more than a little embarrassed about. I have some good close friends who I trust and whose opinions I respect greatly and they got me through it.

So don`t ask me why I ignored their advice and opinions when I accepted the invitation to Cameron and Kim`s wedding. Closure. That`s what it meant to me. I did some dumb things after we`d split and I knew the invite from Cam was him holding out an olive branch to me. He was sorry he hurt me and he wanted me to know that. He wanted peace between us. Recently and slowly in my mind I`d filled in some of the blanks that were the things that he had`nt been able to tell me himself. I knew now that he still loved me. And I knew he always would. He was marrying Kim for his mom. Her family had money and I`d lived with my mom and sister in a trailer until I found the place I now share with Amber. It was a no brainer for him really. Kim`s family were picking up the tab for Mrs Morgan`s health care. She was now in a home being cared for by professionals and was by all accounts happier and doing much better. She missed her old home, but she was relieved she was no longer such a burden on her son. She was happy he was getting to have his own life again.

She was the first person I spoke to at the church that day. Adrienne stood behind me as I bent over and kissed Mrs Morgan on the cheek. She was still an attractive woman, and now in her early forties she looked healthy and better than I`d seen her in a long time. We talked for a while and as I was saying goodbye to her she beckoned me closer. I thought she was going to kiss me on the cheek, but she held my hand tightly and said, "This should have been you today...., I know it..., and I`m sorry." With a lump in my throat I kissed her cheek and left her.

We got through the church service and kept a low profile through the reception. Well as best we could. Adrienne is a very pretty girl and her dress screamed for attention, which totally wasn`t the point of today. But her dress did the trick and we found ourselves quite popular. I`d been outside for a cigarette and when I came back to the bar she was waiting with two guys. "Here she is. Well...., what do you think?" The poor guy smiled awkwardly and said, "Hey I`m Rick. Your friend here is trying to hook us up. Sorry!"

I glared at her. Today wasn`t about this. In fact while I`d been having my cigarette I`d been thinking that I`d done my bit today. I`d showed up, been dignified and all I wanted to do was wish Cameron well, then leave. I didn`t want this. An hour later we were still there. Adrienne was having a great time, she clearly liked her guy a lot, and mine was turning out to be surprisingly good company. I knew he was coming on to me and I excused myself by saying I needed to go outside for a cigarette. I knew smoking put some guys off and hoping he might be one of them I left and went outside for a much needed smoke.

I lit my cigarette as the sun was dipping behind the mountains and exhaled slowly. "Hey." A voice said behind me. I turned to face Cam. The eyes and the smile told me it was all still there. I hoped mine had done the same. I bit my lower lip because I did`nt want him to see how hard this was going to be for me.

"Hey," I forced out.

"Thanks for coming...., I did`nt think you would."

"Me neither...., but I`m glad I did...., I think."

"You look great."

"Thanks." The silence was beginning to become uncomfortable and I dragged deeply on my cigarette as I watched his struggle for words. Finally I took pity on him. "I spoke to your Mom earlier. She looks well, really well. I`m glad thing`s are better for her."

"Thanks." I saw his shoulders slump a little. "That day, it changed everything....,"

"Yeah."

"I want you to know something Kell....,"

I shook my head and bit my lip again. "No. It`s okay...., you don`t have to...., I know."

"But I want to....,"

"You`re married now. And I`m gonna be fine. I`m moving on now as well. I have a good feeling...., things are gonna be okay for me." I threw down my cigarette butt and scuffed it out. "You have my blessing Cam. Be happy...., you and Kim...., I mean it." My voice let me down on the last bit, but I`d got past him and made my way back inside to the bar. This really was time to go. All I had to do was find Adrienne.

When I caught sight of her she was dancing with a guy who was wasn`t the guy she was with earlier. I was trying to figure out where they`d gone when I noticed they were among the band playing tonight. Musicians! Whatever, it was time to go and once this dance was over we were out of here.

An hour later we were still there and the band were winding up for the night. Their brand of swing and easy listening was about to be replaced by another smaller outfit who, with no disrespect to them, I hoped Adrienne and I wouldn`t be around to hear. She quickly hooked up again with the guy she liked from earlier and made arrangements to leave for a club downtown with him. She assumed I`d be going with her, but I`d had enough for one day. The emotions of today and the hangover from last night were catching up on me quickly.

For a while I watched Cam and Kim doing the rounds and spending time with their guests, and I watched Mrs Morgan sat in her wheelchair. She looked happy for her son. He`d done right by her. To their credit Kim`s family made sure Mrs Morgan wasn`t left alone, they were attentive and she was included in what went on. Kim`s family were good people and so was Kim. I couldn`t begrudge Cam and his mom this, he`d made a hard choice. For him and me. But who was I to say he hadn`t made the right one?

Adrienne and her guy had gone. My guy was waiting for me and I couldn`t remember his name through the fog of everything that had happened today. I agreed to one more drink with him and we left the wedding reception together. As we walked out I looked back and saw Cam watching us leave. My new friend had his arm around my waist and I didn`t remember him putting it there. I looked back at Cam until we rounded a corner. That wasn`t how I wanted him to remember me.

Shortly after that we were in a cab and the guy was telling me he knew this great little bar, and I was telling him I wanted my bed. Then I was telling him I thought I was going to vomit. The cab driver made us get out downtown somewhere and the fresh air made me feel worse. I vomited into a doorway and the next thing I knew I was in a bar that seemed vaguely familiar to me. An echoey voice said to me that I`d feel better if I drunk the drink before me. I did and I began to feel better. Things became more focused again for me and my hearing came back to normal. The guy next to me was saying, "Well this is where they said they were comin`. I guess they`ve bin` an` gone."

"I guess so," I replied.

At some point we were joined by other guys and a couple of girls, but my memory isn`t clear on any of their faces. I asked for a cab home again, I know I did. But the next thing I can recall was being in a bed and the guy was being very rough with me.

When I awoke my head pounded and I was alone. The stark light behind the lampshade made me wince and I closed my eyes again. Finding no respite from my pain in darkness I sat up in the bed. I had no idea where I was, my head pounded, my body ached and I was covered with sweat. Flashes of last night invaded my mind. I looked under the bedsheet. "No....," I said aloud, "Nooo."

I found my underwear and dress in a heap on the floor, dressed and then stumbled from the room and along a corridor. Down some stairs and through a fire exit and I was back out on a sidewalk. Dawn was breaking. I flipped open my cell phone and called a cab. Twenty minutes later I was back in the apartment I shared with Amber. I clambered into the shower and struggled often to keep my balance. I washed myself thoroughly but I could`nt feel clean. I`d been here before. This wasn`t my first one nightstand. My break up with Cam had messed me up, and this was how I`d reacted to it for several months. I`d gotten a reputation quite quickly but hadn`t realised it quite so fast. I`d felt dirty like this the next day before. Sure, I didn`t like the way it happened this time, I never usually got so wasted. But in the end the results were always the same. I still felt cheap and I hated myself for what I`d done. It was a familiar feeling, but it would pass. It always had before.

I pulled the duvet back on my bed and collapsed gratefully onto it. I closed my eyes and thought of yesterday and the wedding. My brain hummed and my ears rang a little. Cameron was gone now. He was Kim`s and I had to get over it and move on. He was beginning a new life and it would be a more comfortable one than what I would ever have been able to share with him. Unfortunately I was`nt dealing with things as well as it appeared to others. I was still struggling and I knew I had a long way to go still. If yesterday was meant to be a new start for me, a signal to move on with my life, I hadn`t got off to the best of starts. I`d done okay up to the point where I`d let some guy whose name I couldn`t even remember have sex with me in a room somewhere I`d never be able to find again if I tried. He hadn`t even used protection...., that much I knew. He`d caught me on my period and that hadn`t put him off. I knew he`d slipped something into my drink. I just did`nt get that wasted so quickly anymore. That was the first time anything like that had happened to me. It would be the last as well. I`d learnt a hard lesson. The guy could`ve been a serial killer for all I knew. I`d been lucky this time.

The next day I felt really poorly. I lay in bed hot and weak, my body ached in places that I didn`t know could ache. After a while I determined that this was no mere hangover, I`d picked up some kind of virus. Eventually thirst made me stagger from my bed along to the kitchen for some water and painkillers. I swallowed the pills but before I made it back to my bed I was vomiting into the toilet. When I thought it had passed I threw up again. Eventually I made it back to my bed where sleep again freed me from my symptoms.

I awoke in the midafternoon to the sound of the TV. After a while I climbed from my bed and feeling a little better than I had earlier I went into the den to see Amber. She was sat watching one of her soaps with a coffee and a cigarette, the smell of both made me feel sick again temporarily. She looked up and said, "Hey. Oh no...., somebody had a good night"

"Don`t ask."

She smiled and shook her head. "C`mon, how`d it go?"

"It went okay I guess. But I had the strangest night girl. I know I said I wouldn`t do it no more, but I did the bad thing with a guy again, and I feel like crap. I mean I think I`ve caught somethin`. I feel really ill."

"Too much alcohol you mean?"

"No. I did`nt have that much. I swear the guy did somethin` to one of my drinks. One minute I was fine, the next, I can`t even remember."

"But you did the bad thing?"

"Oh yeah, no doubt about that. When I woke up he was gone."

"Where was this?"

I shrugged, "I don`t know."

"Girl when are you gonna` learn? It`s a dangerous world out there. You know what you gotta` do now don`t you?"

I nodded. "Again. Jees` they`ll know me by my first name soon."

"You`re keeping them in work lately girl," she smiled.

"Don`t make me laugh. I`m too poorly."

She offered me a cigarette and I shook my head. "Now I know you`re not well," she said.

I went back to bed and slept some more until I got a call from Adrienne. She`d had a great night with her guy and she was seeing him again tonight. I guess good things can happen if you don`t give it up too easy. I didn`t tell her what had happened with me and the other guy. I don`t know why, she just seemed happy and I did`nt want to put a downer on her.

The next day I called my work and told them I was unwell. Truth was I did still feel ill. Better than yesterday, but I could`nt face being nice all day long. I put on a brave face, hid my shame and went and got tested. I had the whole bunch this time again, and I`m a bit ashamed to say that I knew the procedures quite well by now. I swore this would be the last time though. I did`nt want to start getting Christmas cards from the staff at the clinic.

I felt at a loose end for the rest of the day. I had that nagging feeling of guilt over taking the whole day off, when I guess I could`ve made more of an effort to go to work. I work for the Census Bureau and I don`t dislike my job so it wouldn`t have been any great hardship. I went to bed early that night, but I didn`t have the best of nights rest. I felt restless and unsettled and it made for a long and frustrating night. Deep, restful sleep eluded me, so when it was time for me to begin my day and get ready for work I felt washed out. I stumbled from bed, my hair a mess and feeling in a decidedly bad mood. When I feel a bit of a mess the last person I usually want to see is Amber. She simply looks fantastic all the time, and she was sat on the recliner in the lounge smoking a cigarette as I walked past.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey. How`re you feelin` now?"

"Okay I guess. A bit lifeless."

"Sit down. I`ll make you a drink."

I did and while she was busy I lit my own cigarette. We both smoke the same brand, so there`s always cigarettes to be had. Amber had lived here longer than me, I moved in when her ex moved out. I took the apartment with her in part because she was a smoker, but mostly because I liked her a lot straight away. I don`t make friends too easily, but Amber is difficult not to like. We aren`t best friends or anything, but we`re pretty close. I knew I was lucky to have such a good housemate. I guess in a way compared to her I come across as a bit dull really. What I mean is she`s always looks glamorous what with her job and all. And then there`s me with with my conservative, proper work jackets and skirts, my kind of dull brown hair and to round it all off my reading glasses. I guess with a bit of effort I can look pretty hot, but with Amber it just came easy, hers was a natural beauty. The truth is though that Amber was a quiet and solitary person. She could have her pick of men, anytime, anywhere. But she seemed to prefer the single life. She appeared to me happier when there wasn`t a man in her life. Never once had she mentioned becoming a mom one day or marriage. I liked that about her. It was different. She earnt good money but she wasn`t flash. Her clothes were always nice, her appearance immaculate, but she never bought anything she didn`t need. She knew she`d have to quit the dancing jobs by the time she turned thirty, so she worked damn hard to make enough money to retire young. She told me she just wanted enough money to get a nice house and garden of her own, then retire and live quietly. Some of her friends have said to me she lacks ambition and with her looks she could`ve gone a lot further. I though find her attitude refreshing. She`s just a nice girl.

She brought my drink and sat opposite me. "Uhh, listen Kell. Look I know you gotta` get off to work an` all, but I just wanted to say this to you girl. You gotta` stop what you`bin doin`. You did a good thing Saturday, goin` to the weddin` and gettin` things straight with Cam. But the other stuff, afterwards...., you gotta` cut that out girl. It`s not you. You`re better than that, way better. I know I shouldn`t preach to you what with my job an` all, but what you do sometimes, it`s just too dangerous in this town. You need to start afresh, cut back on the drinkin` and the partyin`, just take things easy for a while."

I inhaled deeply on my cigarette. I knew what she was saying was right and I knew she was saying it for my own good. But it was still criticism to me, and it hurt. "I know, I know you`re right, and I`m tryin`, I really am. But, I don`t know, nothin`s the same anymore. There`s this big gap in my life, this huge space that he`s left and I don`t know what to put in there in his place. Sometimes it`s just easier to do the bad things. Bein` good takes so much more effort. I am tryin` Amber. I`m gonna be okay...., Saturday night won`t happen again. This time I really mean it."

"Good." She reached out and we hugged.

I went off to work and I kept my head down. I was a good worker by nature anyway, but apart from my lunch break and a couple cigarette breaks I worked hard all day and time passed quickly. I took my normal bus ride home and as usual was home a couple of hours before Amber had to leave for her work. Amber was a dancer. She preferred that description to stripper. I guess I could see why, but either way it still came down to the fact that she took her clothes off for the enjoyment of men. She had no misgivings about what she did and never made any attempt to justify why she did it. She told me once it was the money that drew her. She could earn very good money most nights, and that`s what it had been about to start with, a short term, stopgap job to pay off a debt she`d accrued. But the money and the glamor became like a drug to her. She shook off her inhibitions and her day job and watched her bank balance go from sickly to healthy very quickly. Amber was a stunning girl. She had a wonderful figure, slim with a great bust, and the wonderfully deep brown eyes of her Latina heritage. She could`ve been a model easily. But for some reason that role never appealed to her. She liked to keep it "real" in her own words.

We just hung out until it was time for her to leave, and once she`d gone I found myself filled with the same unrest as I`d had the previous night. I felt hyped up and like I`d an abundance of energy that I needed to use. I just didn`t know what to spend it on. In the end I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom. Then I went to bed and lay awake until about an hour before daybreak. The following morning was a mad rush as I overslept, in the end barely making it into my desk on time. I spent a tiresome day behind the panels that formed the small cubicle from which I went about my daily tasks.

Things went on for me pretty much in that fashion. I went to work and came home, and that was where the hole in my life that Cam used to fill was. We`d see each other most evenings, and we`d dated so long that I could`nt even remember what I did before he came into my life. Some nights I`d get dressed up with Amber and head off downtown with her. She`d go to her club and I`d head off and meet either a friend or some random colleague from work and have a few drinks. At first it filled the time for me, that was all. It wasn`t where I wanted to be. My life had been set out in front of me as long as I`d been with Cam, I`d  had a future that was tangible. Now I needed to find someone else or spend the foreseeable future forcing myself out on evenings when I`d rather be curling up with someone I cared about next to me. Of course it wasn`t going to be easy for me to find someone to fill that void. The reality soon began to dawn on me, and in turn on these evenings out I began to drink more and more. I was unhappy and I was trying to escape my reality. So much for my reassurances to Cam and Amber. I was in trouble and I was struggling. I felt I`d pretty much used up all the goodwill that people felt they might want to extend to me. I could sense that some of the "get it together girl," talks I`d had lately were starting to have a tone of impatience about them. So I did what in retrospect was probably the worse thing I could do. I hid my drinking. The worst part was I could feel the beginnings of dependancy almost straightaway. I couldn`t stay home in the evenings. I wanted to go out, I wanted a drink in my hand and I guess I just wanted the distraction of having other people of a similar age around me. I just wanted to forget.

One such night I wanted to go out but had nobody lined up to meet with. Rather than drink on my own again in a bar, it wasn`t unusual for me to do that, I headed off with Amber to the club where she danced. I`d been before and I knew the layout and I knew what to expect. I even recognised some of the guys that hung out there. The regulars had their favourite girls, and there were a group of guys who were enamored with Amber. Her "groupies," as she called them. She kept them at arms length and they seemed to recognise the boundaries she`d set, but in my view it was just a matter of time before one of them over stepped the mark. I found it a little bit creepy. So Amber danced and I drank and even got hit on a few times myself. Some guy even asked when it was my turn to dance! I told him it would be a cold day in hell before I ever did that.

When it was time for us to leave I was a little unsteady on my feet. As Amber was driving us home she asked a little warily,"Are you okay?"

I smiled at her and my words were a little slurred. "Yeah I guess. It`s just that watchin` you tonight, I don`t know how you do it Girl. Those guys just give me the creeps."

"It pays the bills. Four or five hours a night, I earn more than you do in a week. That`s all I think about. Four years from now I`ll be out of it."

"There is that I guess."

I`ll tell you somethin` else to. When I`m up there, when I`m dancin` and struttin` my stuff, I`ve got those guys eatin` out of my hand. They`d do anythin` for me. You have no idea how empowering that is Girl. I tell ya` if you tried it just the once you`d see what I mean. They worship me, and that I will miss when I quit!"

"Well, whatever. I could`nt do it."

"How`d ya` know? You gotta` great little figure you keep hidden away. I tell ya` if your job went belly up you could make good money like I do. Who knows, you might even grow to like it!"

"As if!"

She looked at me and we both burst out laughing.

So my drinking didn`t go totally unnoticed and it became clear to those closest to me that I wasn`t making much progress in my attempts to move on from losing Cam. My waking hours became filled with a preoccupied state of mind and my concentration was almost zero. And even at night I fared little better. Dark dreams had begun to haunt me. Most nights I`d awaken panic stricken, panting and gasping for breath. I`d even awoken Amber on occasions. But mostly I managed to keep a lid on my night terrors. The dreams themselves were dark and disturbing. The violence and the downright fear that they provoked in me upset me greatly. Once a wake I couldn`t get them out of my head and thoughts of them plagued me even during the hours of daylight. I hadn`t had a nightmare for many years, and it bothered me that I couldn`t pinpoint a reason for them occurring now. Sometimes I`d just lie in bed and cry myself back to sleep if I was lucky. Most times though I`d slip out to the den and watch TV and smoke too many cigarettes for the rest of the night.

With my lack of sleep it came as no surprise when the quality and quantity of my work slipped. I was eventually persuaded to seek the advice of the company doctor. I was deeply embarrassed to find out that concerns had been raised by my colleagues because they had smelt alcohol on me. It hadn`t just been after lunch either, it had been before 9.00 am. The doctor was very sympathetic and she strongly advised me to take some time away from work and to seek the help of a counsellor. As hard as it was for me to take it was good advice and with a recommendation of some good people from the doctor I temporarily bid farewell to my job.

I visited the counsellor a couple of times and I guess it helped in the short term. By that I mean the couple of hours or so after my visits. It didn`t stop the bad dreams, and it didn`t help the growing anger and frustration I was starting to feel for everyday life either. The simplest things going wrong seemed to send me off into a rage. I`d snapped and been aggressive with Amber more than once. Soon after I`d be all apologies and full of remorse, but I knew that by now she was beginning to get worried for my state of mind. Things came to a head one night when she came home from work and found me watching TV late into the night after another bad dream.

She sat opposite me and said,"Kell? We need to talk. Look I know you`ve bin` through a tough time and I know how upset you`ve bin`, but right now, well right now, you and me here together ain`t workin`. I`m goin` away for a while, I`m gonna` visit my folks. I haven`t seem them in forever, and well, well now maybe`s a good time."

I nodded. "Okay," I whispered. She got up and went to her room for the night. I sat on the recliner and quietly started to cry. I didn`t want her to go, and I found it hard to come to accept that I`d now become so unbearable to live with that I`d drove my housemate and good friend away.

Amber left two days after our talk. I was pleased that we parted on good terms. I helped her pack and I cried as I hugged her before she went. The following days and weeks were a lonely time for me, so I followed Ambers example and paid my own family a brief visit. I stayed with my mom and sister Suzy for just one night before my emotions got the better of me again and we began to quarrel. My mom had thought the world of Cam. She thought of him the same way Mrs Morgan had once thought of me. I often thought she would`ve rather had him as a son than me as a daughter. If Cam`s father had stayed with his family they would`ve been a comfortably well off middle class family. On the other hand even if my father had stayed we would`ve still been working class. Without him we`d become trailer trash I guess. Luckily for me I was quite bright at school and I found myself a decent job on leaving. I think Mrs Morgan liked me for the fact that I hadn`t allowed myself to be sucked too deeply into the troubled lives my remaining family seemed to find hard to shake off. One too many jabs at me concerning Cam had set me off, and I left mom and Suzi opened mouthed and stunned at the ferocity of my temper. Not good.

So I was home and alone again. My habits and state of mind hadn`t really improved any, and I guess that was what had convinced my counsellor to advise my employers that I was still in no fit state to return to work. It didn`t come as any real surprise when I was referred to an alcohol support group. But it stung me to have it spelled out to me by another person that I really and truly did have a drink problem. What did I expect when I had stopped for a couple drinks to calm myself before my session though?

With so much time on my hands and too much of it alone it`ll come as no surprise that I wasn`t able to curb my need to spend all my evenings visiting bars and clubs. I drank too much and flirted with guys. Girls sometimes as well. I never let it go anywhere. I did it simply because I could. I`d begun to enjoy leading them on, then giving them the brush off. I got a warped kind of satisfaction from their disappointment. I`d taken to "borrowing" items of Ambers wardrobe and wearing them out on these occasions. She was right, when I put in the effort and tried I was hot. I was hot, but I was becoming nasty with it. I knew it but I couldn`t stop it. I was getting off on hurting people and of course I took it too far one night. I let one guy take me from the bar outside to where his car was parked. He thought he`d gotten lucky. So I got him all worked up and ready to go then just laughed in his face and walked away. He pulled his pants up quickly and soon had a hold of my arm. He said the wrong thing and I exploded. With a speed and power I did`nt know I possesed I struck him several times about the face. I heard his nose break and I walked away as he kneeled on the ground spitting out blood. I went home and cried. In my mind was the painful realisation that there was something seriously wrong with me now. All the anger, the pain, the insecurity and the confusion I was feeling, I couldn`t understand where it was coming from. But something had changed in me recently. I needed to find out what it was if I was to have any hope of repairing my damaged life.

Until today I`d been feeling sluggish and had little energy. In truth I`d spent most of my time in bed. With no job to go to for the time being there was little else for me to do other than sleep, which I did a lot of. This morning though I felt completely different. I felt bright and energised. I felt like my old self in other words. I thoroughly cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, then went out lunchtime and ate alone in a diner. But unfortunately I couldn`t stop myself from having a drink and three glasses later I made my way back home in the midafternoon sunshine. Apart from my little lapse into the bar it hadn`t been a bad day for me by my recent standards. I felt a little more optimistic, my spirits a little higher. Perhaps it was because this was a nice warm day, maybe tomorrow wouldn`t be as good for me. I called Amber and had a long talk with her. I asked her when she was going to come home. I explained I was feeling much better and that I was missing her lots. She said she`d be back in a few days and was pleased I was feeling better. I was just happy to hear her voice again and looked forward to seeing her. Around the middle of the afternoon I began to tire again. I fell into a deep sleep on the recliner and I woke to find that the daylight had all but faded and darkness was approaching. I stretched and after a cigarette I decided I`d take a bath. I lay and soaked in the comforting warmth of the water for nearly an hour before finally deciding that I felt hungry and that I`d maybe eat out again. The familiar nagging need inside made me fidget, until I stepped from the tub and wrapping a towel around my wet hair and my body I made my way to the den and poured myself a large glass of wine. I was on my third glass by the time I finished my makeup. I thought I might make the most of Ambers wardrobe once again while she was still out of town.

An hour later I was almost ready and I was tucking my cigarettes into my small purse with my lighter and not feeling even the smallest amount of guilt for wearing one of Ambers newest and most expensive outfits. I even thought I looked almost as good as she did in it. I sat down and glanced through a magazine as I finished my glass of wine before I left. With one more check of myself in the mirror I drained the last of the wine from the glass and I was good to go. I bent to pick up my keys but as I straightened a sharp pain gripped my abdomen. It seized me so completely I dropped my purse and keys and grimaced as I straightened my back. A surge of overwhelming heat coursed through my entire body and I leaned into the recliner for support. I gasped for breath but couldn`t seem to be able to pull any oxygen into my lungs. As I started to panic a blinding pain gripped my head and I instinctively brought my hands up to my temples in an effort to ease the throbbing and agonising pounding inside of my skull. The pain was so intense I began to whimper as I began to feel the strength in my legs leave me. My legs just buckled and I fell to the floor. I started to writhe around in absolute agony arching my back, then pounding my fists into the floor. My body felt superheated and drops of perspiration formed on my forehead and ran into my eyes as I thrashed around on the floor. Suddenly I was on my knees, seized by an uncontrollable urge to get the skimpy dress I wore off of my seemingly burning skin. I tore frantically at it with my fingers until it ripped and dropped down to my waist. I yanked my bra from my body and fell backwards onto my back desperately pulling the dress and my panties off. I heard the sound of the fabric ripping, then finally free of them I rolled over onto my stomach once more and smashed my hands into the floor again and again as the absolute agonising pain continued to engulf my whole body. I fought to stop myself from screaming, but I couldn`t stop the groans and gasping that escaped from my oxygen deprived lungs.

Convulsions gripped my body. I tried to get to my feet but only made it to my knees as I was bent over double again at the waist in total agony. My bewildered brain tried to make some sense of what was happening to me. I couldn`t understand what this seizure was. I`d never had a fit of any kind before in my life. My body just seemed to get hotter and hotter. Waves of nausea passed through my insides, my body spasmed and jerked. I tasted blood inside my mouth where I had most likely bitten my tongue. I felt something pressing against my upper and lower lips and moved a shaking hand to see how I`d damaged myself. As my hand passed my line of sight I froze. My perfectly manicured nails had begun to take on the form of something hideous and grotesque. I screamed in sheer terror as I watched my nails lengthen and thicken, then shook my head in denial as the bones in my fingers began to slowly and agonisingly stretch dragging with them the rest of my deforming hand. I shook my head, "No...., No...., No....!!" I lifted my other hand in front of me. It was the same. "Noooo...., Nooooo....,"

I tried to clench my jaw tight against the pain but my mouth wouldn`t comply. It felt as if my gums were bursting and I could feel and taste the warm, bitter tang of my blood. Something was terribly wrong there and I brought my horribly deformed hand up and pressed my wrists against the lengthening hard protrusion growing from my gums. I fell backwards in horror as I realised it was my teeth that I could feel. I lay stricken on my back as I saw the twisted and distorted shape of my feet. The clawed and wicked shape of my toes and nails were almost unrecognisable as the rest of my foot lengthened grotesquely. Massive spasms of pain shot through my back and chest. Sheer panic overwhelmed me as I realised I could barely breathe anymore. A fleeting moment of relief flashed through my tortured brain as I hoped it meant that I would soon die and be relieved of this awful pain and suffering. The muscles of my thighs cramped and convulsed as they gained mass in front of my eyes. Then a terrific pressure swelled within my knees. It felt as if a huge weight bore down on them forcing them to yield and buckle until they agonisly dislocated and locked themselves inverted. It was accompanied by a blinding flash of pain which made me scream so loud that my vision and comprehension of everything around me dimmed. My hearing faded temporarily as I was on the verge of passing out. But my frazzled and dazed senses returned to allow me to endure more of the hideous torture that was engulfing my body. It felt like every bone in my back and chest was being stretched or broken as my torso and ribcage heaved and convulsed. I could here what sounded like ribs and bones breaking within me. Sheer terror and panic had gripped me by now and I screamed, "Help me..., Heeelp me....,  somebody help meeee."

My breasts disappeared slowly into my massively expanded chest and ribcage. My spine felt like it was splitting as it stretched agonisingly causing my senses to dim and almost to fade out completely again. I thrashed and twisted my tortured body until I was on all fours. I tried to get away from this nightmare, but as I tried to move everything felt all wrong. A crushing pain descended on my skull. My vision faded and I froze to the spot. It was though the whole world had frozen in time. My lips felt like they were being pulled back from my mouth and it was as if my nose was being flattened and crushed until it merged with my chin. Sickening crunching and stretching noises accompanied the sensation of my whole face pushing outwards. I screamed again. "Nooo..., Nooooo...., Help meee.....,"

Through the blinding pain and terror of it all I`d somehow kept some degree of comprehension of what was happening to me. But at this point I gave up and sought the comfort and respite of darkness. It wouldn`t come for me though. I had to endure the awful sound of my own voice faltering. Human sounds changing to that of a beast. It felt like I was choking, my oxygen starved brain repulsed against the awful animal noises I had begun to make. Though I felt an awareness of what was happening to me, I still refused to believe it. I tried to scream my denial of it all. But my screams were now deafening howls.

Trapped within the beast I`d become I grew aware of a loud and furious banging upon the door of the apartment. Instinct made me back away to a corner. A deep growl emanated from within the depths of my animal body. Wood splintered, then the door flew open. A body flew through the doorway off balance and crashed into the recliner. I was moving before the second person stumbled in. Across the room, collision with doorframe, two more people outside. Shouts and screams of shock then they were behind me. Panic and fear fueled and ignited massive amounts of adrenalin within me. I sped onward. Escape the lights, the noises, the smells. They were all too much for me. My senses were being overloaded by all that was happening around me. The whole world was totally alien to me. No cover, no respite from the neon glare. The moon offered my only solace. So I ran towards it. My feet skidded and slipped on the tarmac and sidewalks. Onwards though. No stopping. No looking back. Survival. Safety. Solitude.

People get in the way. Keep getting in the way. Every direction, people, people. Lungs bursting, legs failing, more people. Traffic, cars, and more cars. Almost out of air. Sight, sound fading. Cars still coming. Blinding me. No air, no air, air, air, air. Falling now. Weightless. Pain. More and more pain. Finally, merciful, darkness.