e
 

Attention! in July 2014, Elfwood.com will get a makeover! Read more about the change.

Elfwood is the worlds largest SciFi & Fantasy community.
  - 152864 members, 1 online now.
  - 9696 site visitors the last 24 hours.

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Andrew Law

"The Black Rose Part 2 - Bakator" by Andrew Law

SciFi/Fantasy text 9 out of 10 by Andrew Law.      ←Previous - Next→
 
Tag As Favorite
 
Yay!! the second part is UP!! wooo! lol yea im a lil crazy this arvo...but you get that occasionally. I suddenly had the inspiration one afternoon infront of the RUGBY of all places!!and so i wrote it down, modified it a lil and tadaaa!! we have another chaptery thing...i hope you enjoy it!
Add Bookmark
Tag As FavoriteComment
←- The Black Rose, Part 4 - Purple in the Shadow | The Elementalist -→

The Black Rose

 

Part 2

 

The barn was filled with the sound of cooking utensils clanging and cutlery clashing as Asalria’s underworld gang ate the evening meal. The barn had been modified to act as a food hall ever since Kasta and Asalria had taken up residence. Kasta had had to place a concealment charm over the building to hide not only the noise, but the rich aroma of the various dishes that the cooking staff produced. The best thing, Asalria decided, about this whole thing is the food. Parshi was a real find for the kitchen. Asalria was looking down over the meal from her quarters in what used to be a storage bay, once again modified to suit her needs. She began pacing, a habit she usually found tiresomely annoying and utterly pointless. She was anxious to get going tonight, even if it wasn’t a raid. Kasta had wanted to go and check some information in the libraries. He said he had some theories he wanted to confirm. He hadn’t elaborated on that, but she had agreed to go along.

“Well, aren’t we dressed up this evening! Kasta taking you somewhere?”

Asalria turned and smiled at the strawberry blonde girl who had climbed to her quarters.

“What?” she said, her face the image of innocence “These are the clothes I always wear, Creta” trying to hide the fact that she had put effort into her appearance.

“Oh, come on!” Creta laughed “Not your clothes you fool. Your hair! And do I detect a hint of makeup?” she feigned shock. Asalria went a light shade of pink. Her dark hair, usually tied back, had been let loose. It curled a little as it fell around her shoulders and framed her face. And it was true that she had put a little makeup on. Not as much as those single noblewomen who thought they’d look prettier if they caked their face in it, but enough to enhance her looks a bit.

“Ahh, so we are going somewhere then!” said Creta triumphantly “Where? The river? The lookout? I hear that that’s rather popular with couples at the moment” she gossiped

Asalria sighed at the word ‘couples’. Was that her relationship with Kasta? Her actions a few days earlier had been heat of the moment, and she wasn’t sure if she’d have acted the same way or not if it were another of the group fighting for her.

“No, I’m afraid its only business tonight. Kasta wants to check out some stuff at the library” she said, trying to keep her voice jovial.

Creta sighed “Oh well. You might finish early though! Tell me if you do!” she laughed.

“Do what?” both girls started, reaching for hidden knives.

“Easy girl!” laughed Kasta, blocking a knife thrown with deadly accuracy by Asalria with a staff.

“Sorry!” Asalria apologized quickly “Are you ok?”

“Fine. Hi Creta. Look, you didn’t even make a mark!” he laughed light heartedly. Asalria was surprised that he was carrying it. He didn’t usually, he usually tried to hide his magic until the last moment, by which stage he didn’t need the staff to perform it anyway. He had gone the whole way on the sorcerer thing though. His boots were soft leather and styled, not the usual hard-wearing plain ones. He still wore loose fitting pants, but it was topped with a sleeveless shirt. Both were well made, and probably silk. She suspected that he had put a shield enchantment on them. He also had a long cloak, which he was now hanging over the railing. All his clothes were black. Now his staff, here was a piece of art. Only on the closest inspection would reveal that it was in fact carved, not naturally formed. The top was like a gnarled hand, which was, at the present moment, housing a large deep blue sapphire.

“Impressive” said Creta, her eyes betraying the calm voice in which she said it. She was practically drooling over him “Nice gem there to”

“That was the idea. You can go anywhere dressed like this” he said, with a hint of mocking self importance and a smile “And it’s not like we’ll be noticed. There’s plenty of us around at the moment”

“You mean sorcerers, right?” asked Asalria

“And sorceress’s”

“Well, no complaints with the look, Kasta” she said.

“Well, you’d better go” said Creta, getting hold of herself again “But I want her home before midnight” she imitated a parent

Asalria laughed “This is Kasta we’re talking about. We’ll be lucky to be back by morning”

Kasta put his cloak on, and drew the hood over his face “Let’s go” he said in a dark voice.

They all laughed. Creta winked at Asalria as she and Kasta descended to the food hall, which was slowly emptying, and out into the warm spring night.

 

Kasta strode swiftly and confidently through the darkening streets. He said a word into his sapphire, and the ground in front was bathed in a soft blue light. Asalria kept rather close to Kasta, perhaps closer than necessary, but after what had happened the other day, she thought she’d just see what he’d do. He didn’t react. This meant he didn’t flinch, which was good, but he didn’t look at her or anything. He just kept walking.

He was right though. None challenged their right to be walking the streets at this hour. Moving through the city had never been easier. He ducked down an alleyway which was just round the corner from the library.

“Wha..?” Asalria started

Kasta motioned for her to be quiet. He dropped his hood, and raised the sapphire to his face. He said another word, but Asalria couldn’t pick it up. It was like another language. She watched, slightly sickened, as Kasta’s young face melted into that of an old sorcerer, with that wizened apple sort of look. Even his hands had gone all wrinkly and gnarled.

“Now” he growled, in a voice that wasn’t his “Lets go”

They rounded the corner, Kasta leaning heavily on his staff, and slowly climbed the stairs that lead to the library. The guards began to block their path, but then saw Kasta’s staff.

“Powerful Bakator. Welcome” they said in awe.

“Give them a coin, apprentice” Kasta said in the old sorcerer voice. Asalria decided not to question, because that would mean the guards would question them and their purpose here, but to trust his judgment. They were admitted immediately. Once inside, Kasta dispelled the illusion, and a look of triumph mixed with delirious lust crossed his face.

“At last” he whispered “All the information we have ever needed or wanted at our fingertips, waiting to be discovered” his face broke into a grin “And all it took was a stick and a cloak!”

←- The Black Rose, Part 4 - Purple in the Shadow | The Elementalist -→

DateNameComment 
27 Aug 2005:-) Jessica Warner
Well this is cool, dunno why I didn't read this last time I was here. Unless it wasn't up. Well who knows, good stuff, I like the idea of the rebels eating inside this warehouse, and needing some heavy spells to hide the noise and smells! I also like the discussion between your characters, it sounds very natural.

I noticed only one typo: “Nice gem there to” should be "too".

Leaves me interested - let me know if and when you get some more up!

:-) Andrew Law replies: "it was originally going to be underground, but then i thought about the cooking equipment and went, no, thats not going to work, or at least i couldnt think of any ways it would...oh hey, i just got at least one, but thats neither here nor there. Thankyou! Im havin a lil bit of trouble with the next part coz i keep rethinking it...maybe i think to much and should let the ink run...or lead in my case. i find writing in pencil for my drafts easier or something...Thanks for the comment and i shall tell you when i have more up, but for now onto the 5th part of 7th siren!"
27 Aug 2005:-) Matthew J. Hillary
Hmm, pretty interesting. I think the main thing missing is just background, setting and description. I kind of piece together that they're a resistance type movement against some larger empire thing and they're more likely in a larger city. The questions I'd ask though is what does the city look like? Are the buildings wooden or stone(and then are the buildings painted or is the stone white or brown?)? Are the roads paved or dirt paths? You gave me some description of what the characters look like in this chapter (which was clear enough) and I suppose maybe you'll build the image of the city and politics as you continue. I'm just saying that right now you're leaving a lot to the imagination 12

And if you could do me a fav and either A) leave a comment on my page (you don't have to read anything, this is just so I have an easy link back to here when your story is knocked off the news page) or 7 enlighten me as to a way to save/make buddy lists of other writers if there is one in elfwood (besides saving links in notepad or something.

Thanks 12 and let me know when you post the next chapter (Which can't be too soon as these darn queue's take so dang long. I'm waiting for chapter 3 and 4 of my story to come in. I'll be lucky if they get through in a week lol).

:-) Andrew Law replies: "ok then, ill try and put some more description in. Yes they are a resistance against an empire of sorts...i do need to make that clearer, dont i. Well, ill do my best...i started writing the third chapter, but the plot got blown away in the wind...so im rethinking it again. I'll try and remember to get over to your page when i'm done, i went there earlier but i had to go to sport so i didnt get time to read anything. took me forever to get throught the queues, btu then it got published over night. I was like wooo! i have a third part!!! lol. I'll see what i can do about the descriptions, and i'll tell you when its up. thanks for the advice!"
28 Aug 200545 Matthew J. Hillary
What I would suggest is that you just let yourself write. I'm on my third or fourth rewrite of my story "Road to Destiny" and each time I've made some sizeable changes that made it flow alot better and make more sense.

Just my 2 cents though 12

and ohh yeah, I should of given a few more good comments about your work besides just "interesting" lol. You did a good job at giving a sense of Kasta's character in particular. This is from the few sentences where you mentioned him being "logical, calculating" or whatever and then those were enhanced by how you played out the entrance to the library. Good job 12

:-) Andrew Law replies: "Thanks!! i had a better idea AGAIN for the next part, or rather just a better way of writing it. Thanks for the comment! its great to know that people like it!"
12 Sep 2005:-) Jamie Foley
aw, I like this one the best so far. I really enjoyed the descriptions you went into here, the subtle details and added points really brought out the character's personalities. I'd still say watch your grammer, since there were a number of small mistakes, but overall this is very much improved upon the other two pieces. I'm getting a wonderful idea of the world you're outlining.

Good job!

:-) Andrew Law replies: "Thanks!! i hope the grammar is getting better...it should, i'm getting more practice now...if theres a spare moment in class, out with the story! anyway, thanks for another comment!"
19 Sep 2005:-) Jym Greenfield
More good, writing, but there was one part I had to reread, it cunfuzzled me so. The part where the two girls are chatting, and Kasta surprises them. I had difficulty figuring out what was going on. Maybe something mroe like this would make it easier for poor idiots like me ["Do what?" *said a voice.* Both girls reached for hidden knives.]

:-) Andrew Law replies: "mmm ok then...ill see...sometimes i get a lil caught up and coz i know whats meant to go there, i sorta miss it...and same when i proof read it...i shud get sumone else to do that...lolThanks!"
18 Oct 200545 Christabel Nolan
Hello! I'm back. This flowed pretty nicely, the only thing you might want to watch a bit is your voice. Make up your mind whether it's going to be slangy or not, cos it kind of drifts between being regular storyteller to sixteen year old kid. Which isn't bad, just choose one and try to stick with it. Good job on the character interactions and dialogue, it was natural. This story is easy to read - so I shall read some more!

:-) Andrew Law replies: "Ok then. I'll try. Problem is that i sort of want to make them seem like kids, just with a bit more responsibility or something. I'll go through and check it though. thanks!"
21 Nov 2005:-) Jess Hyslop
Heya, I'm finally here! I havta admit, I've kinda forgotten what happened in the first part... (I have vague memories) so excuse me if I make a stupid comment that you've already covered in the first part...

I want to say first that I liked it, and I thought that the characters came across very well, especially when she's being teased about putting on make-up. It was rather confusing though when Kasta came in, as someone else has already said. It was just the two girls, then suddenly he popped up, and, well, I would consider rewriting that bit to make it clearer.

Interesting bit when he turned into an old sorceror. That was really good, and I wasn't expecting it at all!

Gonna go read the next part now! Ciao!

:-) Andrew Law replies: "lol ok then, ill keep that in mind...Yea i think ill rewrite that. Im probably going to try and redo the whole thing at some point, but anyway.Thanks!"
Not signed in, Add an anonymous comment to this guestbook...    

Your Name:
Your Mail:
   Private message? (Info)



'The Black Rose Part 2 - Bakator':
 • Created by: :-) Andrew Law
 • Copyright: ©Andrew Law. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Illusion, Library, Magic, Sapphire, Sorcerer, Staff, Transform
 • Categories: Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Romance, Emotion, Love, Wizards, Priests, Druids, Sorcerers...
 • Views: 371

Bookmark and Share



More by 'Andrew Law':
The Black Rose
Andrik
Death part 4
Death part 3
Death part 1

Related Tutorials:
  • 'Writing Action' by :-)S. B. 'Kinko' Hulsey
  • 'Writing a Story, Painting a Masterpiece' by :-)Jessica Ng
  • 'Originality in Fantasy - Taking The Road Less Travelled' by :-)A.R. George
  • Art Education Finder...
  •  
     

    Elfwood™ is a site for Fantasy and Science Fiction art and stories. The site was founded by Thomas Abrahamsson and is maintained by helpful assistants and moderators, owned by the Elfwood AB corporation.

    [More...]