|9 Apr 2008|| Patrick W. Hall|
This is wonderful. Should you decide to revamp the story from this, that would be most excellent. I like the story as it is, but with the additions, and the changes in descriptors, this version catches the mind much more readily. AJ Taylor
replies: "Yup! That’s the plan candyman! (Is that a saying? If not it is now ) Another chapter of "The Bandit Prince" will be up by next week most likely. "
|23 May 2008|| Kelsey M. Graham|
%u201CWhat is your point Dromar,%u201D pronounced Joclun Harr. -point, Dromar? - pronounced? maybe a different vb is needed... mostly only forgotten commas in this 1, & I’m too lazy to go through it again
that wasn’t very nice, Joclun. *Veloren going into hysterics* wait, what are you laughing at? o.0 AJ Taylor
replies: "Grammar eludes me. I wrote "pronouced" because I wanted it to seem like Joclun Harr wasn’t really asking a question, more like daring him to answer back.
Thanks for reading!"
|8 Aug 2008|| Patricia M. D´Angelo|
I’m enjoying this read very much. There was only one line I think that didn’t really fit. It was the one where you describes the bandits raid -- like children in a park. Those words to me, feel a bit too modern for the story you’ve got going.
You do a great job with keeping the energy high.
I must admit I was quite shocked when he killed the maid. I know he was raised an assassin, but it still took me by surprise. I’m hoping this tale leads him on a journey of change. AJ Taylor
replies: "Tccchaaa, see for the "children in the park" thing I wanted to say "children in a playground" but there are no real playgrounds with jungle gyms and swings and all that fun stuff here. You know what I should have said? "Children at play" Darn! I hate thinking of things after the fact.
Yes people will do very crazy things when they are desperate. I kind of can’t believe he killed the girl myself. But he *is* a bandit. Very sad though. "
|8 Oct 2008|| Stephanie J. Walls|
Well now... Joclun Harr is much more... terrifying. Even though I think its a great shame he killed the maid instead of helping her, I’m glad he did. It kind of solidifies his character. In fact, your revisions bring a bit more of his early life and hardships into focus so that we can see what exactly made him the way he was. It seems much more unlikely that he will become the "cute" bad guy that everyone would be rooting for, which if it turns out that way would only make it more of a variation. Thats not the right word.... Does that make sense? I don’t know. I’m tired. Its almost midnight. Good work though. AJ Taylor
replies: "Yep, killing the girl was hard to write at first, and even now I’m not sure how low I am willing to let him sink, although I have to remember that this is an assassin we’re dealing with, killing is his career as scary as that is. If I want him to be believable he has to do bad things. And yes I think cute-bad-guy is out the window, at least for now. "
|18 Dec 2008|| Thayne|
Hey again. OK so here’s what I think of this chapter. Everything was wonderful up until the point of Racour’s death. After reading it, I felt disappoint and unsatisfied at how quickly and abruptly Racour died. I understand that you were trying to illustrate the confusion and speed at which Joclun performed this assasination, but even the description of what had happened to Racour left me feeling slightly cheated. There are ways to illustrate detail and trick an readers mind into thinking that things are happening really quickly. Make the description easy to comprehend but imaginatively engaging. That way the reader will scroll over the words more quickly than they did in earlier sections thus giving the illusion that this account is happening at a quicker pace. (I am no scholar and you know that, this is just what I’ve experienced in my many years of reading fantasy). Aside from the ending, I think it was very well written. I hope the others are as good as these first two. Keep up the good work cousinth
*inside joke* AJ Taylor
replies: "Hmmm, thank you for the insightful comment and I think I see what you mean. I should have him moaning in the background or something even though my main point of focus is Drocan. Maybe some blood spurting, (yuck) or the look of angry yet terrified disbelief in Racour’s eyes....
Thanks for the tip it is noted "