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Ben Cameron

"Defence of Melchior" by Ben Cameron

SciFi/Fantasy text 12 out of 29 by Ben Cameron.      ←Previous - Next→
 
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Yet another poem, though this is by far my longest. In another first, I stuck (or at least, think I stuck) to a strict iambic and rhyming pattern, that should complement the setting.

Which brings me to what it's about: a young page runs off from his coastal home and town, Melchior (pronounced mell.kee.or) with the frightful news of the all-too-familiar crimson sails of their enemy.
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←- Guardian (poem) | Memoirs of a Damsel -→

His breath came quick, staccato beat

Past homes of mud and fields of wheat

And serf and wife, asleep, replete

But he dreamed not of peasant’s days

But rather, fields and homes alight, ablaze

Beneath the stars of Melchior

 

The road ran by beneath his feet

‘cross sand and dirt, twixt track and street.

He brought them knowledge of the fleet

That crossed the skyline yesterday

Whose crimson sails did not allay

The fears of those from Melchior

 

So run he did, till king he neared

To whom he gasped the message, feared

And then he bowed and volunteered:

“Return, I will, with blade in hand

I’ll lead your men to make a stand

Before the seas of Melchior”

 

His gangly legs flew swift and fast

Setting a pace which few surpassed

Behind him moved, from first to last,

Two thousand men, each twice the age

And far more skilled than our young page

Born in the town of Melchior

 

Their camp was struck within the hour

And men were placed atop their towers

To scour the seas, whilst townsfolk cowered

Within the trees and hidden glades

And leapt at noises, darkened shades

Before the seas of Melchior

 

                            ~ * ~

 

On ships of pain from Hell’s own gates,

Across the heaving, churning straits,

Behind their monstrous armoured plates,

Beneath their scarlet sails, strained

Their voices screamed demonic pain

Across the seas to Melchior

 

Aboard were shamans, priests of sin

From whence sprung vice that flowed within

And swept around in fervid spin

Of screaming souls and tortured dead

To bolster craven hearts of dread

Which rowed the ships to Melchior

 

Their horns gleamed dimly in the light

From fiery brands, burnt day through night

And jagged teeth stretched rank flesh tight

Their ragged wings hung by their sides

But useless in their awkward strides

Across the ships to Melchior

 

                            ~ * ~

 

The monstrous boats came drawing nigh

Their hulls rode low with hellish cries

Beneath the red streaked, evening sky

The men stationed to scout the seas

Gave warning shout across the breeze

To those below in Melchior

 

All men prepared, from knight to lord

And our young page drew out his sword

He’d fight with them against the horde.

The priest tugged hard the belfry rope

The loud, clear tones instilling hope

In those that stood in Melchior

 

Unearthly cries tore through the air

To those armed men, awaiting there

Who looked to God in final prayer

As beasts charged out of blighted ships

With bloodied pikes and vicious whips

To the shores of Melchior

 

On either side the blood spilled fast

But, bravery was unsurpassed,

Throughout the battle, as it passed,

By the boy, who gripped his sword

With childish pride against the horde

Of Lords of Hell in Melchior

 

Just small enough to go unseen

He ducked and wove, and slipped between

Those that fought throughout the scene

And though the sword was hard to bear

He carried on through curse and prayer

As he fought in Melchior

 

But rare it is that prayer suffice

When life depend upon the dice

Of Fate, who must extract the price

That must be paid, when youthful life

Tries too hard to combat strife

As it was in Melchior

 

For bound it was that some fiend see,

Amidst the fighters and debris

That boy, and quick though he may be

One arcing blade he failed to guess

The first he’d missed, but, nonetheless

Came death to sleepy Melchior

 

He felt it sink, that rusted blade

Through flesh and bones, and there it stayed

The sounds of steel began to fade

His agony an escape from war

A path for him to Styx’s shore

Within the town of Melchior

 

As darkness swept o’er youthful eyes

He grasped the blade in pained surprise

But war waged on ‘neath smoky skies

Regardless of his mortal pain

And men fought on ‘gainst beasts arcane

Who’d come to tiny Melchior

 

He joined the ranks of those who’d died

An endless line, a spectral tide

And next to him, on either side,

Were those he’d fought, against and with

But none looked back to see who won

In coastal Melchior

←- Guardian (poem) | Memoirs of a Damsel -→

DateNameComment 
5 May 200445 D Joelle Duran
*does a first comment dance*

Bravo Ben! Good work! I think your choice of style fits the story quite well. I'm afraid I'm not one for critiquing poetry, I'll leave that to someone else.
But this is good, and the ending interesting in its near nihilism. Certainly adds to the gravity of the piece. I liked the repeated use of Melchior that ties the whole thing together.

:-) Ben Cameron replies: "Considering even reading poetry is not my cup of tea, I appreciate any and all comments on this, especially one from you.

Nihilism is an interesting concept to apply here and for the most part works, though I must say I was not trying to suggest the absence of life after death, but an equitable existence, removed from the thoughts of this world. I'm a little strange...

But the repeated use of Melchior is not mine here. As Jamie correctly pointed out, this sounds very much like the Lady of Shallot and for very good reason: it was inspired by that poem. Check it out sometime, fantastic diction."
6 May 200445 Jamie A. Hughes
From a first read, I saw very little wrong with this poem structurally. If you want me to, I can print it out and get out my metronome and really check it, but all sounds right to me ears on first readin'! Ben, this is very well done. The meter really made me think of "The Lady of Shallot," so you should be proud of this. I really enjoyed it to no end. I re-read it several times just to admire the use of language. Beautiful!

:-) Ben Cameron replies: "Haha, thanks but no need to go to all that effort. I'm no master of poetry, nor will I ever profess to be, so a simple reading will do perfectly well.

I'm quite happy this reminds you of the Lady of Shallot - it was after my teacher quoted half that poem (and I think he only stopped to save time) from memory, that I became fascinated with its meter and structure - thus came this.

I think one of the true tests of something is if someone can read it more than once and still like it - so many thanks for taking the time here!"
7 May 2004:-) Miguel Brillant
I'm impressed. You may not claim to be a master of poetry, but you're definitely not far from a master of language. It is beautifully written, very visual. Adding a couple more metaphors would give it the little touch of subtlety it may lack at certain places. But overall, incredible job. An epic poem if there is one.

:-) Ben Cameron replies: "Thanks for the kind praise. I agree with the lack of metaphors, and in fact symbolism, repetition, assonance, etc, etc. Any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated, though I will be revising this myself once I find the time. "
9 May 200445 L. Shanra Kuepers
"And jagged teeth stretched rank flesh tight
Their ragged wings hung by their sides"

I like the fact that this rhymes twice. Either It's me or it only happens there. It sounds nice. Although we have my petpeeve against the whole blank lines again.

I'm glad you recommended this to me, tis fantastic! Poetic freedom accounts for what I'd probably point out, although perhaps in some place a bit more freedom would be nice, just to have that freedom continue throughout the work?

In any case, twas called epic, and epic it is. It is damn hard to write a story in a poem, you've done so marvellously. I found it was really sad when the page died. Poor boy, I was rooting for him!

And that, my friend, is exactly what you want to achieve in works 12 That you manage to do so in a relatively short piece (well, compared to stories where it is more common) is something that does take skill ^-^

I agree with Joelle up there, in that the repeated use of Melchior ties everything very nicely together. (Then again, I already told you I'm biased towards that bit of style)

Apart from all that, it's also very clear in its imagery and emotions. Makes you think, that ending does. It's good. ^-^

:-) Ben Cameron replies: "I believe internal rhyme appeared once more, somewhere else in the poem. I fully agree that it sounds nice, but I was having trouble enough in some cases with the end of line rhyming to be match up words inside the lines as well.

If you have the time, I'd love to know which bits sounded forced, or needed to be given a bit more freedom.

It's great to know you felt for the little boy - whilst writing I was a little uncertain how he would come across, but it seems to have worked. Especially in that the ending made you think. As I'm sure you know by now, that's something I love doing.

As a last note, you're totally right about the line-spacing issue here. Next time I update, those empty lines will be removed."
22 May 2004:-) Laura J. Korska
Ben this is amazing. I could only dream to write poetry such as this. I read something like this and it reminds me of something that we would have had to read in school. You know, in some english textbook where they make you study every verse. I'm not the greatest at helpful crits, but I can say that I really enjoyed reading it and I hope that you write more poems like this.

:-) Ben Cameron replies: "That's one of the nicest compliments I've had in ages ~ many thanks! I think I'm blushing..."
26 May 200445 James Hayward
That was a briliant piece of poetry. I'm a bit of a philistine with poems; I think poetry has to rhyme a bit, else it's just a story with odd structure. I also love iambic rhythms, which is why this is way up there in my poetry favorites. Of course, even the greats are not above errors...

Line 5 is 2 syllables too long, every line has 8 except this one. Lose either 'alight' or 'ablaze'.

'twixt' needs an apostrophe before it; it's the shortened form of betwixt

The second and third last line don't fit the pattern, that is, they don't rhyme. For once I'm at a loss to suggest a way to change it without busting up some other aspect of this work of art!

That was a joy to read. Thank you.

:-) Ben Cameron replies: "I love iambics too - the flow it creates is so powerful when used appropriately. I'm more than honoured you'd choose to put this under the title of "the greats"... thanks!

Line 5 is indeed 10 syllables, mores the pity because I really like it as it stands. Mmm... I'll have to work on that.

The last two lines really bugged me. I'd spent hours writing the rest, and those last two just wouldn't work. To tell the truth, I got a little sick of it and just put them as they are now... Someday I'll come back and find a way to correct them.

I'm glad you loved this so much. The time I put in pays off when people leave such wonderful comments."
7 Jun 200445 Nora Stel
This'll be a short (but sweet) comment: it's an awesome poem!

I think you've really outdone yourself this time. Because the theme and the language are perfectly blended into a grasping whole.
The atmosphere was very real and the feeling of panic and need was described beautifully.
I admire your wordchoice and the effect you created within the limitations of writing a poem.

Great work!

:-) Ben Cameron replies: "Thanks again Nora! There's something about the challenge of a poem that's appealing sometimes. Unfortunately, it's never appealing when asked to write one by your english teacher, which luckily doesn't happen anymore for me."
16 Oct 200445 Gavin JMB Nicol
I almost didn't read this as soon as I saw it was a poem, not so much because I don't like them as because the one's I like are rare. But then I reminded myself of James' (Hayward) especial recommendation and I'm thankful that I did read it.

Aside of the 10 syllable line, this poem is of the highest order, the same sort of level as the ride from Aix to Ghent. I'm not sure of the real name of that poem, but anyone who's read it should be able to tell you.

Please bring yourself to change the 10 syllable bit though, however much you like the line poetry has strict rules for a reason! Though possibly you could change the corresponding lines to 10 suyllables too and see how that scans?

:-) Ben Cameron replies: "Yea, I'm definately thinking along one of those two possibilities - I'll have to see which one is easier to pull off.

The ride of Aix to Ghent? Mmm... just googled it: "How they brought the good news from Ghent to Aix" by Robert Browning.

It's a great poem - I love the pantamic rhythm. The actual poem it was inspired by is: "the Lady of Challot". Check it out sometime, it's another fantastic poem."
24 Feb 2007:-) Rochelle Leya Watts
I especially like that it ends without saying who won the battle. It makes the focus on the young man that much better.
I also especially liked this line, "And though the sword was hard to bear/He carried on through curse and prayer". It is a simple couplet but such a nice image.
2 Sep 200845 Dogbert
Ben .... as In Ben P. Cameron .... WTF ?
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'Defence of Melchior':
 • Created by: :-) Ben Cameron
 • Copyright: ©Ben Cameron. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Futility, Melchior, Page, Poem, War
 • Categories: Demons, Imps, Devils, Beholders...
 • Views: 823

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More by 'Ben Cameron':
Of Humans and Elves, 11
Of Humans and Elves, part 2
Memoirs of a Damsel
Wyvern's Project 3
Of Humans and Elves, part 5
Of Humans and Elves, Part 12

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