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Stories / Stories / Ben Cameron / Text 15 of 29 / Of Humans and Elves, Prologue

"Of Humans and Elves, Prologue" by Ben Cameron

SciFi/Fantasy text 15 out of 29 by Ben Cameron. ←Previous - Next→

These events occur some forty years prior to the rest of the story and deal with the unfortunate instance of a young man being born with too many gifts and unable to hide it forever from prying and dangerous eyes.

This came from the inspiration of a map a drew some years ago as well as some of my earlier story attempts.

←- Of Humans and Elves, Creation Legend | Of Humans and Elves, part 2 -→

He was late. Already the others, some six hundred in total, encircled the fire to encourage the passing of winter. He cursed himself softly for having spent so long preparing for the occurrence. He moved forward quickly and quietly, eager to join the already gathered conclave, yet unwilling to disturb the peace and serenity of this most holy of places and times.

They surprised him, grabbing him from behind as he moved towards the ensemble. Shocked, he yelled and reacted with the speed only the Promised have, yet it was helpless. They outnumbered him five to one, each as young, strong and fast as he. He struggled, pulling violently against his oppressors but they held him all the more tightly. The fear in his cries was almost tangible in the deathly silence of the grove.

Struggling he was brought forward between trees and Promised awaiting to begin the religious proceedings of the Gathering. He saw the faces of those he knew and was filled with hope, but they stood staring at the flames, impassive to his cries shattering the quiet. They watched, unmoving, as he was dragged between them and held before the matriarch at the altar. Impossible though it was for them to help, his heart broke at their reluctance to help him even as his strength broke in his captor’s grasp.

Naked, her body only painted in the dark ochres of the ground and trees for the celebrations, the matriarch and leader of the Promised coldly regarded the limp man before her.

“You know why you’re here, don’t you? You have threatened the safety of the Promised and to draw us into war and conflict.” She paused, waiting for his nod of agreement.

“We cannot allow for even a chance of the fulfilment of the prophecy. You all know this.” She raised her voice, speaking to the entire ensemble, not just him. “Our charge has been removed from our hands by the traitorous actions of our allies, thus we need no heed our Promise, lest we are dragged into further death.” He nodded his acceptance once more, as did all those around.

She brought hands together, drawing upon the magiks flowing through the ground. Her head bowed in concentration and her hands began to glow, lighting the beautiful swirling patterns of paint around her body. Finally, the ochre itself began to glow and streaks of pulsating power swept around her body.

He kneeled in dutiful acquiescence to her, his captors having left to join those gathered around. She focused on his body and her tremendous power encircled him, seeking any possible entrance.

Moments later, he collapsed and was carried out of the enclave, his arm dragging in the dirt.

As he was hauled off, his friends and family stood motionless and apathetic, watching him for the last time in their immortal lives.

←- Of Humans and Elves, Creation Legend | Of Humans and Elves, part 2 -→

Date	Name	Comment
30 Dec 2003	Dtauri	Loading... I like it! You raise enough questions to keep us interested. Poor guy... ;-) As Nora said I hope to have some of these answered in later parts. Keep up the good work! Ben Cameron replies: "The answers are coming! They are really... well sort of. Niell's currently searching for them within the dusty depths of a library. That should be up in a week or two, nor more (I hope)."
2 Jan 2004	Carolyn Anderson	Loading... Wow, again this story raises almost as many questions as it answers, leaving the reader eager for the next bit. Ben Cameron replies: "I hope you go on to read the rest of them, then. Those answers are just beginning to get answered in part 5 which should be up soon."
5 Jan 2004	L.A. Richier	Loading... Excellent! You know, this adds another layer to what the Creation Myth has already placed down. Very cool that you managed to do that without losing interest or frightening the readers... ^^ Go Ben go! I absolutely loved how the Matriach held so much power and that everyone, even the boy's family and frineds, couldn't interfere... Six hundred people gathered... You painted a gorgeous picture. Wonderful work with the imagery... Just enough to keep the focus on the Promised boy and enough to still be 3rd point of view (omnipotent). Good work! Constructive Criticism: "Eager to join the conclave of those already gathered yet unwilling to disturb the peace and serenity of this most holy of places and times, he moved forward quickly and quietly." Whoa. That's a compound sentence if I've ever seen one. Cut it down into two sentences, and it should be a bit less complex. Just remember that if you can cut a long sentence into two or more, go ahead and do so. nods Lovely work, Mr. Cameron. I'm impressed already and I haven't even gotten to chapter one! Ben Cameron replies: "High praise from you! Compound sentences do seem to be a favourite of mine; I'll fix that up as soon as I get the chance. Thanks for the praise and constructive crit."
7 Feb 2004	April 'Tigerblade' Speights	Loading... Awesome. Great intro. Now I've got to read Chapter 1 I love elves!! (They are elves, right?) Well, even so, the title drew me to it...lol. I was actually going to call my main story "Of Elves and Demons" hehe. I can see everything so clearly when I read this: it's dark, the majik is bright, and I'm very curious to know what the man has done. Must read more!! Ben Cameron replies: "I'm glad the prologue got you to read chapter 1. And yes, they're something like elves. Unfortunately, they seem to be changing everytime I write a new chapter but I can't think of a new name for story, so Of Humans and Elves it'll stay for a while. Thanks for coming by."
30 May 2004	James Hayward	Loading... Nice one. I'm going to enjoy reading this series. Only one thing; 'thus we need no heed our Promise' 'need not heed' makes much more sense. Keep up the good work, and on to the next chapter! Ben Cameron replies: "Now I read it, the similarity of 'need' and 'heed' should probably be changed as well, so thanks for picking up two mistakes."
14 Jul 2004	Becca Lusher	Loading... Oh the delightful posing of questions! So many, so very many, which is perfect for a prologue ^_^ I like the flow of this and the emotion as no one will go to his aid, so he just accepts his fate. Lovely prologue! Now I'm too curious to stop properly and comment scampers Ben Cameron replies: "I'm terrible at leaving things unanswered... but, I'm glad you like it so far. Keep going, keep going - I'll catch up with your comments at the end."
15 Jul 2004	Gene 'SleepingDragon' Erno	Loading... Some interesting things going on in this one already. I'm just getting started on this story. It looks like it will be an enjoyable read. Good start. Ben Cameron replies: "Sorry it's taken me so long to reply to this, I just got back from holidays. I can only hope that the rest of OHAE interests you as much as this part did."
3 Aug 2004	Jenna Morgan	Loading... An intriguing beginning. I like the signs of the culture of the Promised. Much of this feels a little distant, as if we're seeing the scene from outside the protagonist's head. A prologue should feel a little distant in time and space from the main story without pushing the reader away from the main character. (I know, easier to say than do.) Try incorporating the protagonist's voice into the narrative more. For example, in the first paragraph, 'He cursed himself softly for having spent so long preparing for the occurrence' tells us that he's annoyed. Try something like 'He had spent far too long preparing,' and maybe add some detail of his preparation (you could hint at character by showing whether he'd been delayed by being too careful or too disorganised). You'd then be picking up on his voice and showing what he was thinking more directly. 'They outnumbered him five to one' - this just sounded odd in the context. Too colloquial, perhaps. 'oppressers' - 'attackers', surely, or 'captors'. Oppression is on a slightly different scale. I like the way they keep staring at the flames. 'You have threatened the safety of the Promised and to draw us into war and conflict.' Again, just a little odd. You've got a noun-phrase (the safety of..) and an infinitive verb (to draw) both dependent on 'threatened'. I think you can do that grammatically but it would flow better to have two dependent verbs - 'You have threatened to draw the Promised into war and conflict and to destroy our safety.' The matriarch's judgement was very powerful. How do the crowd react whilst she's doing the magic? Do they keep pretending not to see or do they watch silently? Niggles aside this was really interesting. Lots of unanswered questions. I'm off to see what happens next. Ben Cameron replies: "I've always thought the beginning is the most critical, and hence the hardest, bit to write of a story. So, any advice for it, is great. Every point you've brought up needs to be addressed (it's so long since I last read it...) and will be. As for the crowd's reaction, you know, I'm not sure if they're watch secretly or pretend it's not happening. Most likely, they pretend it's not happening - that's what they're like: ingrained inability to go against their elders. I'll think on it, and try and work it into the story somehow. I'm happy it still worked for, despite those things."
11 Oct 2005	Christabel Nolan	Loading... Helloo! This was interesting. I loved the little bit with the matriarch and the glowing ochre dots, but for me perhaps it needed to be a bit longer. Build up a bit of atmosphere. It's all ver well for him to be suprised, but for some reason it seems to happen a little too quickly for the reader, and his emotions aren't really explored. Someone mentioned compound sentences? {{{Struggling he was brought foward between the trees and promised awaiting to begin the religeous proceedings of the gathering.}}} a little confusing, I had to read it a few times. Perhaps {{Sttuggling, he was brought foward betweenthe trees and the Promised, who were awaiting the beginning of the Gathering}}} I don't think you really need 'religeous proceedings" in this, as you kind of figure that out anyway and it clutters the sentence somewhat. Ben Cameron replies: "Have to agree with everything you said. Unfortunately, the idea of editing this story currently at 70,000 words is kind of daunting. Which makes it a whole lot more appealing to make the occasional addition to this, but to start work on a new series in the hope my writing has improved since this one Thanks for the return comment ~ hope you enjoyed it."
22 Oct 2005	B. Layne Weaver	Loading... Huh. Looks like I was too shy to comment on this one. It was one of the very first stories I read on Elfwood, even before I joined up, I think, and at that time I only left comments once in a while. Now I comment on everything I read. So now, I am starting this tale anew... complete with comment-leaving confidence! “Impossible though it was for them to help, his heart broke at their reluctance to help him even as his strength broke in his captor’s grasp.” ‘help’ is used 2x. Also, he’s being held by more than one captor, yes? So, “captor’s grasp” should be “captors’ grasps.” ““Our charge has been removed from our hands by the traitorous actions of our allies, thus we [need no] heed our Promise, lest we are dragged into further death.” [need ‘not’, methinks?] poor fella... what a punishment for being tardy! ;D Wow, a strong beginning! It definitely grabs interest in the story, which is a main function of a prologue, so kudos to you! Poor elf guy... I do feel sorry for him, though. ~_~
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