This is my contribution to Wyvern's Project 3, as you probably guessed from the title, with the premise of writing from the enemy’s perspective..
Since it's rare for someone to believe themselves an enemy, my main character is supposed to come across as loving as possible for a leader. But, as a work in nuances and characterisation, with the intent of making the reader think, my protagonist is most definitely 'bad'.
As for the competition: this’ll either work well or backfire. The prize is a detailed critique on a story of your choice. To win, you'll need to provide substantial evidence as to why she’s evil. I’ll leave ‘substantial evidence’ up to my own discretion, but anything with two big pieces of evidence or more smaller bits will probably get it. Obviously, if someone’s already pointed out something, you can’t use it to win ;) Have fun.
Many thanks goes to the wonderful Jamie and her editing skills for helping me with this. Unfortunately, since I told you the evidence, you can’t win the prize... ;)
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A Change for the Books
Her fingers traced delicate paths down a scarred face. They lingered, for the briefest moment, over eggshell-white eyes.
“Reminiscence, Lilayn?”
She nodded at his gentle words, then jerked her hand down to her lap.
“You’re getting better, Tyme. I didn’t notice you’d entered.” Like the hint of an autumn breeze, her youthful voice carried an eternal tinge of sadness.
With an unconscious twist of her hands, she closed the oaken doors, the flurry sending the pages of open books tumbling over each other.
Peaceful silence descended across the room as Lilayn idly reached her fingertips out to the books in front of her. She felt, rather than read, the words imprinted there. Once again, she sensed the effort and midnight oil that had gone into writing these beautiful histories, biographies and treatises.
“There were a remarkable people. Brilliant, despite their failings.”
Tyme nodded slowly.
She lifted hand and head. “Come now, you must have opinions beyond that.”
“They were indeed remarkable, as this very library shows. For architecture alone, there are few across Carrun that would compare: flowing arches, detailed shelves, mosaics. Then there’s, as you’ve read, the works themselves; it’s wondrous. It’s a true shame their works will no longer grace history.” He paused, as the silence comforted them in their tribute. “But it is ever the wont of man to seek too much.”
“You’re as insightful as ever, dear friend.”
“But you called me for reasons beyond my opinion, I’m sure.” He took a seat next to her.
“A Treatise on the Deities,” she said after a lengthy pause. “That’s what this book is called. The Thyrians were closer than anyone, even I, thought possible, Tyme.”
“But you’d foreseen nothing… surely it’s just the ramblings of an overzealous scholar.”
“They used Forbidden magic, granted from the very ones they would have unleashed upon this world.” She closed the book with a sudden thought. Around, pages rustled in the uncontrolled magic that escaped her fingers. “They would have had this world destroyed – everything we know would have been turned around, the Kerell queendom overrun!”
She sensed Tyme blanching.
“Then there is nothing we can do to stop others from releasing hell?”
She shook her head slowly. Fleetingly, she cast her gaze out across history. In too many twists of time it appeared…
“This place must be destroyed…it’s the only way.”
Tyme gazed in astonishment around him. For such a historian as he, this was a treasure of the grandest dragon. “But Lilayn…!”
Lilayn slammed her fists against the table. “I know, Tyme! I can bear it as little as you, but for the better cause this must be done; not a single book can remain. We cannot allow our selfish ambitions to lead to the demise of a race. This knowledge cannot be allowed to fall into another’s hands.”
“Then…what needs be done, be done.”
Lilayn caught the faint breath of air that escaped Tyme’s lips, and the rustle of clothing as he stood and offered her his arm. Gracefully extending her arm, she stood in turn and held his arm lightly, impersonally, a volume in her left.
At the library’s entrance, Tyme let go to open the door. Wisps of flame leapt from Lilayn’s fingers and caught quickly on the ancient, dried manuscripts. The heat from centuries of knowledge touched against her face as the doors closed by themselves.
~ * ~ * ~
The roar of the crowd reached her ears with an exuberance that doubled to deafening volumes as she made the balcony. The primal rush their cheers stimulated was exhilarating.
Stretched out from the palace of Gaspah, it sounded like every soldier in the Kerell army had come. Though she had foreseen this moment six years ago from the start, it was a relief to have it upon her.
She held up her hand, asking for a silence quickly given by the crowd of victorious soldiers. Tracing quick movements, her fingers wove a spell to magnify her voice, so all in front could hear.
“My kindred, we have won the war…” They erupted once more into cheers and chants. She held up her hands again and again they quickly quietened. “My kindred, we have won, though at the cost of many lives. On both our sides.”
“It was never our intention for these men to return to the Creator, whether they hail from my banner or from Sabith’s. We have all lost loved ones and friends, and I would but ask for a moments silence in honouring remembrance.”
A hush descended with her bowing head. The few that broke the peace were nudged sharply into silence by neighbours.
She raised her head. “And we will remember them whilst we celebrate our victory, but not the victory of a personal success, nor that of our nation’s, but a victory for our children and their children against the destruction of our world that Sabith would have wrought.
“Our victory has come in the eyes of our Creator, for our Creator and for our children. Let us celebrate!” Her voice rose on her last words and was the first cry that crescendoed amongst many as men hoisted banners and began the first of many night’s revelries.
Lilayn turned back from the balcony, instinctually knowing where the doors were, to her more refined celebrations: a meal with her trusted generals and advisors. Still, it would be a joyous occasion.
The soft patter of leather shoes heralded the arrival of her apprentice.
“Ah, Jace. Your footsteps are as welcome to my ears as your face would be to my eyes.” Lilayn extended her arm for the girl to lead. Still two years short of the full eight of her tutelage beneath Lilayn and the Creator, she still held her vision in the temporal planes.
“You shouldn’t walk alone, it’s dangerous.”
It was slightly humorous, Lilayn thought, she being chided by a nine-year old. She grinned. Lilayn caught Jace’s brightened aura that suggested she too saw the irony.
“It’s good to see you smile. You’re too young to so serious so often.” Lilayn reached down to Jace and tickled her. “It’ll give you wrinkles.”
Jace laughed aloud this time, her childish innocence pealing down the corridor. “I can’t help it. I keep thinking of all that was lost.”
Lilayn’s voice grew serious. “But it was a necessary loss, Jace. Sabith and his priests would have unleashed their dæmons into Carrun. We have to understand this was a war to prevent future destruction.”
“But why not just the priests? Why everyone?”
Lilayn gently stopped their steps and knelt, her sightless eyes a breath’s width from Jace’s. “Had we been able to, that is indeed what we would have done. But they were well protected…there was no other way.” Her voice was soft with the thought of the dead.
Jace nodded slowly.
“Was there anything else? Or shall we make our way to dinner, dear child?” Lilayn stood, smiling gently.
Nodding decisively, Jace took Lilayn’s arm and led both towards dinner. Their footsteps echoed gently off marble floors, floating down the corridor. There, they were met by the hum of soft talk and the ringing of crystal glass that heralded the dining chamber.
“Here they come. Together, as usual.” Tyme raised his glass as the duo entered. “A toast to the Sera of the Creator. To past battles, present victory, and future governing.”
Cries of “Here, here!” and glasses chinking greeted Lilayn’s ears. A smile crept across her visage, and, for just a moment, the candles nearby flickered more brightly.
“Thank you, kind gentlemen and ladies.” She curtsied, ever the mistress of manners.
Led by Jace, she took the head of the table, seated on the right by Tyme and to the left, her young apprentice. “This is a time of great celebration. Let us eat and be merry.”
Sounds of eating rose with gusto around the hall as talk of the social and political benefits this would bring flowed softly between neighbours.
~ * ~ * ~
Trickling water played tenderly on Lilayn’s ears, preparing her for meditation. It had been difficult to find this natural spring, isolated from the bustle of life, in the midst of Gaspah.
One hand rested on the worn leather of a bound book, easily some few hundred pages of beautiful hand-written script. She let her thoughts go, releasing them to the playful water, and was cast back in time to the memories the book held within its weeks of time-consuming work.
With the power of the Creator, her thoughts swam through history, reading the author’s feelings as one would read the pages.
The water comforted her temporal body as her mind swept out of the author’s past, into history and time itself. Possible paths, previously hidden, filtered into view – histories that could be. She scanned each, walking down each fork in time, checking for remnants and offshoots of Sabith’s knowledge.
She was vaguely aware of Jace’s presence: silent footsteps, whispered thoughts, the damp wetness of a cloth pressed against her brow, but her mind remained firm on her task.
Where was it? That one thread…the future of Gaspah and Thyr.
Lilayn’s rapid mind caught the vague, flickering shadow of her own influence and hastened curiously down that path, unwilling to let it slip by unread. A smaller shape flitted about ethereally amongst hers. She peered a little closer; entangled in her shadow was that of Jace’s.
...but the time is too soon. Jace isn’t yet ready for joining with the Creator...
Lilayn paid more attention, concentrating entirely on this path. It grew more apparent that her role would be important, though with such a vague form, more ethereal than solid, it was impossible to deduce exactly what role that would be.
Still, Jace was needed, that much was certain. Her metaphysical eyes widened in surprised and
she awoke to the calls of morning birds wakening the sun. Within the protection of the high walls, Lilayn still sat in shade, the fine weave of lyra wool keeping the chill morning air and dew at bay. To her left, Jace breathed softly.
“You’re awake. Are we safe from them?”
Lilayn nodded curtly, attempting to calculate risk and gain in mere moments.
“Come.”
~ * ~ * ~
Lilayn caught the scent of ash as the vestiges of Sabith’s library fluttered in an ashy veil across Gaspah. Jace walked beside her, her small hand clutched in Lilayn’s. The footsteps sounded softly amongst the cries of festivity and drinking.
Learning out from the windows of houses and crowded against walls men still celebrated in a liquor induced haze despite the rising sun. Even within their drunkenness, the men thronging the road hastened out of the way as the two ladies moved through the streets, discussing intimate matters.
Lilayn held Jace’s hand as they walked. “She has called for you.”
“Already?” Jace gripped harder in surprise. “But there’s still two years left.”
“I know, dear. But She asked for it.”
Lilayn kept walked with Jace as she waited patiently for a reply then realised there wasn’t one coming. “Short of me, you know more than anyone of the Creator.”
“I’m still a child…”
Lilayn squeezed Jace’s hand. “The hardest part about following the Creator’s path is that so much must be based on pure trust. Trust that She knows the overall good, even when we cannot.
“Once in Her service, you will understand much more. Infinitely more. To be in Her service is to have great knowledge and power, yet at the same time, to shoulder great burdens and responsibility.”
“And if I can’t carry those burdens?” Jace’s voice was small.
“Trust, Jace.”
“But hasn’t She ever been mistaken her judgement?”
“The women and Queens of Kerell have born this responsibility without fail for the past two hundred years, each chosen and each successful. We must both trust that you, too, are capable of shouldering this responsibility.”
Jace closed her small mouth in hesitation. “I… I don’t think I could do what you’ve done. I couldn’t do it…”
“Neither could I, Jace, neither could I unless the Creator helped me. With Her wisdom and patience, I understood what need be done. As will you.” She stopped and waved at one particular building. “Come, here we are.”
The doors to the temple opened with a wave of Lilayn’s hand as they approached and they walked inside. Inside, candelabra flared into light as the two passed by and guttered to its death mere moments after their passing.
Lilayn walked into the final chamber, and sat calmly, stretching her body in preparation for tutoring in the arts of the Creator.
Lilayn sensed a small trickle of power emanating from Jace’s body. “What was that, Jace?”
“I can’t see. I need light.”
Lilayn sensed Jace’s power gradually brightening the domed room they sat together in.
“But you must. You will eventually lose all sight. It’s the price we pay for the gifts the Creator bestows upon us.” Though Lilayn knew the walls around to be covered in exquisitely carved shelves, crowded with the most valuable and precious books of her personal library, light was unnecessary with Her gifts. “You will learn much, knowledge and understanding that others simply can’t comprehend.”
“I’m not ready for this…”
“But you will be. Listen to me, and I’ll teach you.”
~ * ~ * ~
Lilayn woke from meditation to a faint noise. Here, in this most silent of sanctums. Nothing had been peculiar till now. The lesson, questions, then the usual meditation. Albeit each session had gone longer than usual, but then they were preparing for the ritual on the morrow.
She heard it again. The barest rustle of a page.
“Jace, no!” She spun her fragile body in Jace’s direction. “This knowledge isn’t meant for you yet!”
Lilayn received no answer.
“Jace, come here child. How much did you read? Perhaps I can explain it to you.”
Lilayn uncrossed her legs, pushing herself up in the same graceful movement. “These words aren’t meant for those not directly under Her command. Come, dear,” Lilayn held out her hand. “It must have been frightening for you.”
The soft patter of child footsteps graced her ears, softly receding down the columned corridor.
Lilayn immediately called out to her Royal Guards. Jace has run. Meet me at the Creator’s temple.
Still, perhaps not all was lost. Blindly, she moved herself slowly. The book was still lying open where Jace had been reading. She reached out a hand, instantly absorbing its contents: Past, Present and Future by Sera Lilayn.
Dusk’s sun was playing through the streets of Gaspah by the time Lilayn emerged from the cloistered chamber to be met by the Royal Guards.
“I don’t care how you do it. Do whatever it takes to stop our enemies getting her. The Creator and Kerell need her.”
“We’ve locked the city gates, Sera.” He bowed formally. “No one is getting out.”
“Fool, do you really think she hasn’t been trained? She has ample knowledge and ability to avoid simpleton guards.”
“Then, Serra, if she escapes, where will she go?”
“To where her home was: Roshta, Thyr. Send pigeons to your men, have them ready there.”
| Date | Name | Comment | | | 19 Jul 2004 | Debra L Kilman | Loading...Sera - lilyan : sorry, got the name wrong, or did I? *smile* Ben Cameron replies: "Yup, Sera's her title, but it's actually Lilayn. Still, no worries there. I even manage to forget <bold>my</bold> character's names, let alone other people's." | |
| 19 Jul 2004 | Debra L Kilman | Loading...Nicely done. For all practical purposes, Sera appears to be a leader of her people, which are normally very complex characters anyway. She appears to believe in her destiny and what she's doing, but then, so have all despots in history. In this story, the manifestation of whether or not she is evil is very hard to see. I would question anyone who burns books to suppress knowledge. I would also question the death of innocents along with actual perceived enemies. There are some references that this story has a classic 'war because of religious differences' theme, yet, not. (Sorry, that's the best way I can say it right now...) I don't think the young girl is being called into service by Sera's higher power so much as Sera's self-willed seek for what she wants her higher destiny to be. That's a big hint of self-righteousness screaming out. For Sera to seek her own path specifically and her purpose, well, that's selfish and not the direction of a leader who puts her people first. I agree that the young girl would not have ran unless she was afraid. Why would you fear your teacher? I think the ritual that was mentioned had something to do with the young girl's death, which will add something to Sera's power. THAT makes her pretty bad... sacrificing others for self gain. I like this and the way it weaves. If you get a chance let me know when/if you post more. Ben Cameron replies: "You're one of the first to broach the question of reason for the war. And also quite close. You're quite right that it's not quite because of their religious differences. That's partly it (though exaggerated by Lilayn to convince her people). The more important part should be decipherable with the hints in my reply to the one above this one.
You're also pretty spot on with Jace's apprenticehood, though she was truly going to hand over the reigns to Jace when she was old enough, not sacrifice her. The reason for that is the same reason for the war itself.
One final thing, in line with your comment, Lilayn orders her men to do "anything" to stop Jace falling into the enemy's hands. That includes killing Jace - which proves just how vicious Lilayn is.
Just to let you know, I highly doubt I'll write anything else on this. It's completely self contained, and the only real problem left (Jace's escape) is not all that important since Lilayn only needs a successor, and doesn't particularly need Jace. And I don't think I could bear to write the other option: killing Lilayn. Somehow, perversely, I love her. She was so much fun to write as I couldn't bear to kill her. Sorry about that..." | |
| 2 Aug 2004 | Harald Thingelstad | Loading...Great story. But there's one more answer, and a religious one, at that. Has been mentioned, but not directly. There's no freedom. The priestess doesn't give anybody freedom to choose what they find right. And with no freedom, no one will be given a chance to choose well. They're just slaves of another's imagination. Which is not good. Ben Cameron replies: "Yup, pretty much everything the people know has been carefully cultivated by Lilayn - and you're spot on there, that they're slaves to her.
Thanks for the comment!" | |
| 2 Oct 2004 | Emilie Aurora Finn | Loading...In addition to what everyone else said, of course! *grin* | |
| 2 Oct 2004 | Emilie Aurora Finn | Loading...Yikes. This is scary. I wanted so much to like her! And yet... There's something so cold about her. So sure she's right no matter the cost to others. And of course I have to wonder what was in that book... This is excellent! Thank you so much for a fantastic contribution to Wyvern's Three! Ben Cameron replies: "Thanks! The entire purpose of writing this was that the reader felt compelled to like her.
Btw, sorry it took so long to reply to this - I vanished into RL and it took some time for me to find my way back. But many thanks for the comment!" | |
| 16 Aug 2005 | J. E. Schroeder | Loading..."[Learning] out from the windows of houses and crowded against walls [*] men still celebrated in a liquor induced haze despite the rising sun." leaning instead of 'learning,' and I think I'd stick a comma in where the asterik is. Otherwise, the sentence feels a little run-on-ish.
If I remember, I had some trouble with that sentence for some reason or other. Your suggestions will most certianly be put in there (especially the typo =)"With Her wisdom and patience, I understood what need be done." Unless this is just some strange subtlety of Lilayn speech, it should be either 'understand/need be done' or 'understood/what needed be done' here, just to make those tenses agree.
I'd love to say it was her mannerism. Then I wouldn't have to say it was yet another one of my typos...
"The doors to the temple opened with a wave of Lilayn’s hand as they approached [*] and they walked inside." Perhaps a comma here?
“I don’t care how you do it. Do whatever it takes to stop our enemies [from] getting her." from?
Actually, I think it works without the 'from'. Technically, it needs it - but since she is speaking, and understandably in a bit of a tense moment, it stands as is.
And I believe that's all! I loved the pace and "slow revelation" feel to this story. I didn't understand everything right at first, but the story works best that way. Congratulations on a well-written project and a finely crafted villain! I'd love for you to chronicle her future (or past) exploits more fully. You've woven such an interesting world around her. I'd definitely read on!Thanks for the lovely comments! The main problem I have is that I'll build a great world and characters, and then not be able to come up with anything interesting for them to do. Which is one of the reasons I'm sort of afraid to write an additional side story to this one, in case I ruin what I already have. But we'll see I plan to re-read all my stories pretty soon to work out what I need to cull from my library (not this one, but certainly others)
And it's great knowing that even without fully understanding the story, it still worked.
One last thing - I'm guessing by your lovely returned comment, that you don't mind my critiques of your work - if you'd prefer a focus on another aspect of your stories / writing style, just let me know, and I'll concentrate on it next time I read one of your stories. | |
| 16 Aug 2005 | J. E. Schroeder | Loading...Ooh, marevelous story! I love the sense of magic woven throughout, sometimes gentle and comfortable, othertimes seeming a little out of control and ominous. Rather like Lilayn herself, it seems. She is definitely intriguing - you did a wonderful job of making her character dubious without saying outright that she was 'bad.' Her soft-spoken nature, her physical handicap and "fragile" body, her perfect manners... she definitely seemed nice enough at first.
It's lots of fun playing with people's perceptions like that. A female who can't see and a soft voice.... it's hard to believe she could be evil.
And then she burns the library (and, moreover, convinces Tyme that it's the right thing to do). And then we find out that she destroyed an entire race of people, seemingly just because they posed some threat to her religion. Speculation on that: since her authority seems to be contingent on her Creator-given power, it would be devastating to have anyone undermine the power of the Creator. So, what to do? Kill all of the disbelievers, of course, and keep your crown safe and sound. Yeah, I suppose you might call her a bad person!
You're speculation is pretty much spot on. At least if I remember correctly since I last read this a while ago. The scary thing is that a similar thing is happening today with politics. People tend to destroy (or try to destroy) that which doesn't agree with them...
On one last note, I must mention again that I love the type of magic that you've created here. Such a unique concept: sacrificing worldly sight to gain a more spiritual vision. And how she "reads" is simply fascinating. It's a neat yet dangerous power, I would say. Very well done.
Now on to a few little nitpicks, mostly grammatical:
"You’re too young to [*] so serious so often." be
"Lilayn gently stopped their steps and knelt, her sightless eyes a breath’s width from Jace’s." What exactly is 'a breath's width'? Is she close enough to feel her breath? Makes sense like that, I suppose, but it seemed a little strange to me... *shrugs*
That was what I intended, though looking back it does sound a little strange... I'll try and figure out something better.
"Their footsteps echoed gently off marble floors, floating down the corridor. [There], they were met by the hum of soft talk and the ringing of crystal glass that heralded the dining chamber." Where? Down the corridor?
Oops, you caught me.
"One hand rested on the worn leather of a bound book, easily some few hundred pages of beautiful hand-written script." Assuming of course that this is set in the typical fantasy age of knights and dragons, how could the script be anything other than hand-written? That little detail seems unnecessary in this setting.And again I fear... My english teacher would have had me alive for that one. | |
| 17 Sep 2005 | A.R. George | Loading...Lovely world you've given a glimpse into (and only a glimpse, as it seems from your comments!).That is the problem with short stories  I only ever want to include that which is important. I'm a big fan of any setting where magic has an actual cost and people can't just run around setting fire to things. Er, well, you know. I must admit that I'm *very* slow to warm to devoutly religious villains - the 'true believers' always seem to be flagged as baddies from the start, and the sheer strength of their beliefs make them a bit inaccessible emotion-wise. That said, I didn't find Lilayn objectionable or boring, as I sometimes do in similar settings. Her physical frailty and the way she dealt with it made for very intriguing reading. Glad she wasn't inherently obnoxious. Lilayn was a real balancing act, but she was lots of fun to write. Jace interested me most in the story, I think. Her anxious reactions and the ominous fate hanging over her head were really well done - I loved the scene where she read that book and bolted. There was no attempt to hit anyone over the head with a revelation; just a nice bit of understatement, with the rest left up to readers.You really liked that bit? It's always interesting seeing what other people like in your writing: that particular section was the hardest of this whole story, but then my endings are usually my weakest component. I'll leave you with just a couple of small nits and a modest hope that you might consider writing a bit more in this world someday ... 'The roar of the crowd reached her ears ...' and the subsequent four or five paragraphs: it took me quite a while to work out who was talking and why at this point (it was early enough in the story that I hadn't realised this was a single-viewpoint affair). I think you've mentioned before that you prefer pronouns to direct epithets, but for a scene-starter that doesn't give specific information for so many paragraphs, I think at least one may be necessary somewhere here.You're probably right here. I was attempting to draw the reader right in, but to do that I'd need to ground said reader in a particular time and place first... 'Lilayn caught Jace’s brightened aura that suggested she too saw the irony.' (Loved the concept of the auras, by the way - forgot to say that.) This grammar is a little dodgy - 'AN aura that' or 'THE aura that', not '(possessive) aura that'. If you've used one qualifier you can't use another. How about 'Lilayn caught the brightening of Jace's aura that suggested she too saw the irony', or '...aura, suggesting she too saw the irony'? I favour the latter, personally, though I can't explain why. Yea, you caught me out there. I'm going with the latter one too - seems to flow better, doesn't it? Lovely read - thank you!Thanks for reading! | |
| 22 Oct 2005 | B. Layne Weaver | Loading...Hello! I’ve decided to treat myself to a day of reading, so I thought I’d attack your shelf ^_^ And I see you decided to leave a veritable story of your own in comments  “Like the hint of an autumn breeze, her youthful voice carried an eternal tinge of sadness.” oh... my... that’s one of the best lines I’ve read in months. Gorgeous! And there just happens to be a grey autumn day outside my window at the moment ^_^ Oh, you too? Mind you, I have no idea where that line came from - but I gave many thanks to my muse for it. ‘queendom’ ^_^ i like that “Gracefully extending her arm, she stood in turn and held his arm lightly, impersonally, a volume in her left.” repetition of ‘arm’ that should be avoided, if possible Mmm... yea, definately shouldn't have two 'arms' there. lovely descriptions throughout. I really do love your style. I’m so glad to be coming back to your shelf after all these months! “My kindred, we have won, though at the cost of many lives. On both our sides.” That close-quote (which is somehow blue!) isn’t needed since her dialogue continues uninterrupted in the next paragraph.  It's blue? As in colour? Oh, wow - it is too. And yea, you're right, it does need to be removed. “We have all lost loved ones and friends, and I would but ask for a [moments] silence in honouring remembrance.” [moment’s] the speech is well done, my friend. In my opinion, they are very difficult to write without sounding cheesy, but you have managed to do so with no small degree of style. “It’s good to see you smile. You’re too young to [*] so serious so often.” [missing a ‘be’?] I like the rapport between Lilayn and Jace ^_^ This is completely off topic, but if you haven't heard the song "Eric the half a bee" by Monty Python, do look out for it - very funny. “Learning out from the windows of houses and crowded against walls men still celebrated in a liquor induced haze despite the rising sun.” ‘learning’ should be ‘leaning,’ and with such a long introduction, I’d add a comma after ‘walls’ to help break it up a bit  Yup. I had a lot of problems with that line for some reason - and it shows in both the mistakes and how hard it is to read. O_O Ah, so they go blind after dedicating their lives to the Creator? Wow, what a price to pay... “The soft patter of child footsteps graced her ears, softly receding down the columned corridor.” ‘of child footsteps’ reads oddly for me; ‘a child’s footsteps’ perhaps? You're right it sounds odd - I'll probably change it to what you suggested, but it certainly needs work. Forgive me if any of the above nits have already been picked by previous commenters. I jot them down as i read, and I'm a bit too lazy/tired at the moment to go back and read the other comments to be sure I'm not repeating any of them. I'm exactly the same - except I'm terrible at finding grammar / typos (I tend to focus on coherence, balance and continuity), so I rarely run into the same problem. Anyway, that was superbly done, Ben! Such a wonderful feel to the story. I don't know what these Wyvern's Projects are, but I'm glad they prompted you to write this. Great job!This Wyvern's Project was one I was invited to participate in by... Lindsey Butler (Elfwood writer) if I recall - do hope that's right. You get a prompt and then a few months to write a story on said prompt. They're great if you're stuck for creativity at a particular point, or just for working under a deadline. Glad you liked this - and thanks for such an extensive comment! | |
| 25 Oct 2005 | Christabel Nolan | Loading...Hmmm, you are very good you know. This was a good example of world and culture building - you don't do too much explaining of it but let it fall into place naturally. I really enjoyed how you wrote from Lilayn's point of 'view', heh, it made for something different. Is there a next bit? Ben Cameron replies: "Thanks ~ It's something I try to reach in all my writing, to avoid infodumping yet still create a vibrant world.
As to the next bit... I'm afraid most likely not. You can probably work out what Lilayn will do when she catches Jace - I'm afraid there wouldn't be too much more to the story than that. Besides, I may as well make the reader's imagination work for them " | |
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