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Bjørn Tore Lædre

"Battle for Manoon Ch 1" by Bjørn Tore Lædre

SciFi/Fantasy text 1 out of 12 by Bjørn Tore Lædre.      ←Previous - Next→
 
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The Battle for Midnight is over, but now the target only known as Sierra-Alfa is on its way towards the Manoon system. The human colony of E131 is in danger of being destroyed. The Battleship Tellus is in hot persuit of the alien Combat Station. But the Tellus is damaged. How will they save the colony.
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DateNameComment 
25 May 2008:-) John R Farley Jr
If I would make any changes, make sure your readers know what an AI is, I’m assuming AI an android. Also not many familar with the military know what a PFC is. Assuming of course PFC is Private First Class. At least that is what I’m thinking, not to presume you are using American military designations, and they might be the same internationally.

On the other hand, if you do explain everything, someone is going to point out the story drags and you’re just doing a data dump. 18 It’s kind of a balancing act. How much explaining should you do and how much should you just assume people know.

There is one general rule for writers and that is, there is always someone who doesn’t know what AI means or NATO for that matter. Write it out once, the use the abbreviations later. I like to write it out fully a few more time in case 70 pages later someone forgets.

Still, I like where this story is going.
2 Jun 2008:-) Lynn K Hollander
What is the little u shaped thing before some of your paragraphs? Also, you’re way erratic with the apostrophes. Any reason? And you tend to omit some vital commas, especially in dialogue sentences. What does ma’me mean? Like the famous Auntie?

:-) Bjørn Tore Lædre replies: "that U-shaped thing is the way I mark the beginning of a spoken sentence. And English isn’t my native language most of what I write is on a best guess basis. And if you had known about military discipline and respect "ma’me" is the female counterpart to "sir".
Thank you for your visit. I’m glad for any advice, thanks again!"
2 Jun 2008:-) Lynn K Hollander
If you’re going to write in English, you don’t need to guess, you need a dictionary. The abbreviation for Madam or Madame is ma’am, as my dictionaries tell me. It’s not a matter of military discipline, it’s a matter of language. The standard English quotation marks are " and ’. Either is correct. Does your written language have two different quotation marks? One for opening and one for closing? In dialogue sentences of the form -- "Come, Spot," said the admiral. -- standard English usage is a comma immediately before the closing quotation mark. Thus: "...It is a good idea, Madam Admiral,’’ said Nelson.(sic)
The standard military way to adress an admiral is Admiral X, not madam admiral. Does your navy say ’Sir Admiral’ when adressing male admirals? ( There’s no reason why you can’t have your characters speak like this, but in that case, you should explain your nomenclature.) If you leave something or someone in the care of the AIs, you leave it in the AIs’ care. If it’s only one AI, it’s AI’s care.

:-) Bjørn Tore Lædre replies: "Okey, read the story from the beginning. It starts in "Battle for Midnight" and goes on to "Battle for Manoon" (I made a mistake with the labeling) And the "Madam Admiral" part is a quirk that particular character has. I’m trying the best I can to get it right."
8 Sep 2008:-) Emma Kathryn
Hey, I really liked this and I’m a bit of a techno-idiot, in spite of the fact that I work in a game store.

Your attention to detail is fantastic. Keep it up!

Lotsaluv, Em
15 Jun 2009:-) Oswald Johnathon Levesque
That’s a really good opening-
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'Battle for Manoon Ch 1':
 • Created by: :-) Bjørn Tore Lædre
 • Copyright: ©Bjørn Tore Lædre. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Ai, Battleship, Flagship, Fleet admiral, Nelson, Spacebattle, Tellus
 • Categories: Extrateresstial, Alien Life Forms, Fights, Duels, Battles, Spaceships, Ships, Bessels, Transportation..., A.I. (Artificial Intelligence)
 • Views: 1042

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More by 'Bjørn Tore Lædre':
Battle for Midnight Ch 3
Battle for Midnight Ch 4
The Marine Ch 5 & 6
Battle for Midnight Ch 1
Battle for Midnight Ch 6

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