Derkin sat alone on a
hill, staring up at a small bird perched on a branch of one of the many trees
in front of him. Slowly closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and laid back
on the soft green turf. “This place is so serene”, he thought to himself.
Whenever his life had gotten too complicated, or even a
little to fast paced and hectic, he would come here. There was just something
about this quiet little spot that would help clear his mind so that he could
solve all ofthe problems that life
threw his way. Today was unfortunately one of those days.
As he sat back up, he
looked to his side at the little stream that had developed from the concrete
tunnel that popped up out the side of a small hill, only a few feet from where
he was sitting. It had rained a couple days ago, but the water was still coming
out as though the tunnel was purposefully releasing it’s water supply so that
Derkin could enjoy the view longer. Derkin smiled. This was his quiet spot, his
one and only place where he could be alone. In the years since he had found
this little piece of heaven, he had only brought two other people here, his
best friend Porter, and his girlfriend Jenna.
Derkin shook his head.
Jenna was very upset today. Not from anything he had done directly. No, she was
upset because tonight at six ‘o clock, he was leaving to begin his training to
become a space corps pilot. She was annoyed that she wouldn’t be able to see
him for six whole months, but he had planned a surprise for her. They had been
together since they were children, and she had always liked him just as he had
always liked her. Eventually their like turned into love, and they began
dating. It was kind of weird. Out of all the guys he knew, all of them had been
with several women, all except for Porter who had never dated, but for some
reason, he just couldn’t imagine being with anyone else but her. So he had
decided that today, before he left, he would surprise her by asking her to
marry him. He loved her more than anything, and he wanted her to know exactly
how devoted to her he was.
His parents on the other
hand were bound to be furious. One of the reasons being that he had not yet
told them he had joined the military, and would be leaving today. The other
reason was that they were both very high ranking anti-war activists, who did
everything in their powers to interfere with any military operations that they
could. They both vehemently despised the military and all that it stood for.
They believed in peace and diplomacy, and that war was never an option. Of
course their voices were very seldom heard, that is up until a year ago, when
the Raltilian Empire started a minor skirmish, which of course quickly turned
into a full scale war. It was then that people began listening to their
theories about the military and the current government. His parents actually
believed that the government and the military of both sides started this war so
that each could gain a certain financial prosperity.
Derkin sighed inwardly
at the thought of what they might say to him, but he was sure that they would
understand eventually. They both knew quite well the love that he had developed
for flying when he was a child. It was when they had taken him on his first
visit to the air museum. There he saw the Axcron X1 star fighter, and watched a
3-D holo movie on it’s creation and flight maneuvers. From that point on he was
hooked, all he ever wanted to do was fly a space fighter ship. One day, while
he was at the multiplex shopping with some friends, he saw an ad on one of the
public view screens, which touted that if you were a person who loved to fly,
then the space corps were the place for you. The ad offered excitement and
challenge, and it also claimed that joining would be a rewarding career. Derkin
didn’t personally care about the rewarding career, he was more interested in
the flying part. He had decided right then and there that the space corps were
the path he would take after school.
The only flying
experience he had ever had, was when his parents had taken him to go see his
uncle Maylon, who by some quirk of fate was not only his only living relative,
but also happened to live on the same planet as he did. As sad as he was that
they would not be traveling through space, he was still excited that they would
be flying. The whole trip there and back he just stared out the window, amazed
how small things looked, and wishing that the pilot would do a flip or a nose
dive. Of course that never happened, but Derkin had enjoyed his one and only
flight experience, and had always wanted more.
Derkin stared into the
tunnel off to his side. Over the last couple days he tried to think of ways he
could smooth out the news of his departure to his parents, but no good answer
came to him. apparently honesty and straight forwardness would just have to do
Thelight chirping of a bird brought him out of
his train of thought. He looked up at the tree to see the small blue and red
colored bird take flight, and leave the small branch of the tree and take to
“Well, I suppose that
would be my cue to leave then”, he said aloud to himself. He took one last look
around at his favorite spot, and actually thought about how he had found this
place. It was an event he hadn’t thought about in a long, long time…..
Porter was a boy, who at age eleven,
had physically matured at about the same rate as that of an eight year old. He
was gawky, geeky, slim and short for his age. Most of the other kids in
Derkin’s class made fun of him, teasing him about his scrawny appearance, and
calling him all sorts of names, but not Derkin. He kind of felt sorry for
Porter, at least at first that is, until he really got to know him. Porter it
seemed, reveled in the fact that all the other kids were, as he put it,
“Far too inept to see my overall potential.”
Which in Porter language
meant that they were all just too stupid, for him to care what they thought. He
was smart and he knew it. Too smart sometimes, according to Derkin. He just
didn’t know when to not act like he was smarter then a person twice his size.
His parents weren’t much help either. You see, Porter was smart enough to go to
college. A professor had tested him once and said that Porter was at an
advanced college junior level, but his parents would not let him advance. They
believed that Porter had the rest of his life to go to school, and prepare to
become an adult. They wanted him to grow up like a normal kid, with kids his
age. His father had told him on several occasions,
“Youth is wasted on the
young son, you should appreciate that your mother and I care enough about you
to let you be a regular kid now, because if you missed this time in your life,
well, then you would regret it later.”
Of course Porter never saw the logic in that
statement, it was because he was so gifted and not being advanced that his
childhood was so miserable in the first place. But with him being the kid, and
they being the parents, he of course had little choice in the matter. Sometimes
to help lighten his spirits he would tell himself that he was stranded on an
island full of ignorant fools, and at the present time there was no logical way
to alleviate his current disposition. Derkin of course thought Porter was a
pretty funny kid, and enjoyed being Porters only friend. Besides, when your
behind on your homework, it helps to have a genius for a friend.
One day after school
Porter came running to Derkin, the fear of death in his eyes.
“Derkin, there you are,
I’ve been looking all over for you.”
“Why what’s up Port?”
Porter took a moment to
catch his breath.
“You know that really
fat and ugly smelly kid, Reg Hooper?”
Derkin winced at the
thought of smelling that kid.
“Yeah, I know who he is,
why do you ask.”
“Well to make a long
story short, I was walking past him in the hallway earlier today after lunch,
and as I was passing him I started to smell him, and I sorta did my face the
same way you did when I mentioned his name.”
“So, he saw me. He
pulled me over to him, and I swear I was gonna die from the smell, and he asked
why I had made a face at him. I told him that I wasn’t making any faces, my
face always looks like that. I even chuckled a little to lighten the mood. Unfortunately
he didn’t find it very funny and was going to beat me to a pulp right then and
there, but a teacher walked by, so he let me go, but not without informing me
that he would be meeting me after school to properly finish beating the humor
out of me.”
“I suppose that you
could see that as being a problem. So what is it exactly that you want me to do
Porter visibly eased and began smiling.
“All I need is for you
to walk home with me the back way, you know, just in case he shows up and I
need a little help.”
Derkin wasn’t worried
about Reg showing up, and Porter knew it. One time, a few years back, almost
the same thing happened to him, but when Reg tried to threaten Derkin, Reg got
more than he had bargained for. Normally Derkin didn’t like to fight, but
setting that bully straight had actually made him feel good.
“Alright I’ll walk with
you, just give me a minute to tell Jenna where were going so she doesn’t worry
about why I’m not here to walk her home.”
A few minutes later they had set
off for the main part of town. From there the “back way” consisted of going
through an alley, and then cutting across a field to the main road which led to
Unfortunately for them, on this
particular day, their path just happened to cross that of one of the local high
school gang’s, the Dakota boys. Derkin had had a run in with one of these guys
before, when their leader Clayton Tuckner had decided that he was gonna steal some
little kids lunch money from one of his friends. Derkin saw what was going on
and alerted the principal at his school about what he saw, and then five
minutes later, the school police were hauling Clayton off. Clayton had sworn
that he'd get Derkin back for rattin him out, but nothing ever happened after
that. At least not until now that is.
away Porter knew that they were in for it,
"Maybe if we run now, we can
make it back to the main part of town before they catch us, then we'll be in
open public and they wont be able to do anything to us", Porter suggested.
Derkin knew that Porter’s plan
would never work, mainly because these boys were twice their size and could
easily run them down in a matter seconds.
"No", Derkin told his
visibly shaking friend, " if we stand our ground and ignore them, then we
might just make it through alive".
"What are you, Stupid?"
Porter asked. "They'll beat the crap out of us without even giving it a
thought, we gotta run."
"No", Derkin said
again, "if we run, they'll think were afraid of them, plus it'll probably
just piss them off even more".
"Think were afraid! Hell, I got news for ya Derk, I am afraid.
You know, I really don’t enjoy getting beat up if you haven’t already noticed,
and if for some reason I did feel the need to get pulverized, I would have
stayed at school and let that other kid kick my butt all by himself, instead of
letting a whole group of high school kids do it."
Derkin knew that there was no way he was going to convince Porter
of standing his ground against a bunch of oversized bullies, so what was he
gonna do? He was positive that running would only get him and Porter into a
world of trouble with these guys. Just then Clayton called over to them
"Hey Derk twerp, is that
you? Hey why don’t you and your friend come over here for a second, I got
somthin I’d like to talk to you about".
"Now were in for it",
Porter said, "I knew we should have run when we had the chance".
Derkin was beginning to agree
with his fearsome friend, when all of a sudden he had an idea.
"They really only want
me", Derkin told Porter, "You just slowly start walking the other
way, and as soon as your outta sight, run for your life and don’t look
"No way! I cant just leave
you here all by yourself, you'll get killed". Porter replied.
"No I wont",
Derkin told his friend, although he wasn’t too sure about that
"This way makes more sense,
it's better if only one of us gets hurt, and since your not as good of a
fighter as I am, the only sensible choice is me, that’s the only way that makes
any sense, I’ve got a better chance at surviving than you do, so go! and if I
don’t call you at home within an hour, then you go get some help, and come
looking for me OK".
Porter had a sad and fearful look upon his face as he stood there
looking at his best friend. For a moment, he had thought of arguing with him,
but the features on Derkin’s face were as rigid as stone. Derkin just didn’t
look like he was gonna change his mind. So without another a word, Porter turned
around and walked away. At that same moment, a couple of guys from Clayton’s
gang moved out to follow him, but Clayton waved them off saying,
"Don’t worry about the
pip-squeak boys, we’ve got what we want right here".
It was right then that Derkin had
decided that he had just done the most absolute dumbest thing in his entire
what to do?” He thought to himself. “ Maybe if I walk past these jerks real
fast, and don’t look at them, and just keep moving I’ll be OK.”
So forward he went, head down and
“Just keep your mouth shut and
you’ll be OK,”
he quietly mumbled to himself.
Unfortunately for him, Clayton had other plans. As he walked past Clayton he
received a little shove from the gangs leader.
“Hey Derk twerp, where the hell
do you think your going? You and I got some unfinished business we need to
Derkin was tempted to say
something to this idiot, but common sense kept his mouth shut and his feet
“Hey Dirk, I was Talking to you,
you little half-wit, what are you some kind of sissy?”
That did it.
“Oh big words coming from a so
called bad boy, who’s so bad he can only pick on poor helpless kids half his
size, because anyone bigger would probably give him the beating of his life.”
“What did you just say you little pip squeak”.
OOPS, Derkin thought to himself,
now that was dumb! Clayton walked over to Derkin with what Derkin believed to
be the same look a mad man would have right before he was ready to kill, his
fist’s clenched and teeth showing.
“ Oh now you’re really gonna pay
for it kid.” Clayton said.
What happened next surprised even
Derkin. Clayton pulled his arm back and delivered a swing, Derkin dodged the
blow by ducking below it and rose with his fist aimed at Clayton’s face,
landing a decent uppercut right to his chin. Which in turn sent Clayton right
off his feet, and directly onto his rear. There he sat on the ground holding
his face as Derkin looked on at him quite bewildered. Seeing what had just
happened to their leader, all the other members of Clayton’s gang rushed over
to help him. Seeing his avenue of escape, Derkin slowly backed off, turned
around and ran. Now he wasn’t sure where he was gonna go, but he was pretty
sure that if he had stuck around till Clayton had gotten up, he would be
getting pulverized by more than just one person.
As Derkin had expected, it wasn’t long after he had
started running that he heard herd Clayton yelling at his guys to,
“Find that little runt and start
beating him till I get there”,
which caused Derkin to run even faster.Then in what seemed like only a few seconds,
he began to hear the footsteps of his pursuers coming from behind him, followed
by a call of,
“ I found him, I found him!”
It was then that the reality of his situation finally began to
sink in, Derkin was terrified. He knew that he could never outrun these guys,
and it wouldn’t be too long before they caught up to him. He had to think of
something quickly or he was doomed for. He looked about as he ran, but didn’t
see anywhere to hide. He was in the outskirts of the forest now, but still no
ideas were coming to mind. He could hide in a tree, but the trees at the edge
of the forest were small and really didn’t offer much for concealment. He’d
stick out like a sore thumb for sure! Derkin looked back as he ran and saw the
boys from the gang right on his tail. As he was looking back to see where he
was going, he glanced something in the corner of his eyes, he looked back over
and saw what looked like a five or six foot hole coming right out of the
ground! Immediately he pointed himself in the direction of the hole and ran
with all his might. He wasn’t sure whether or not the hole stopped right where
it began, but it seemed to be the only option he had at this point. As he crossed
into the tunnel, one of the gang members grabbed a hold of Derkin’s left
shoulder, and began slowing Derkin down. Fortunately for Derkin there was some
water on the floor of this tunnel, and the kid grabbing him slipped and fell
face forward, almost knocking Derkin down with him. Derkin took this as the
opportunity of a lifetime and put in his last bit of energy to run into the
tunnel as far away from his pursuers as possible.
It wasn’t long after the incident
with his stumbling pursuer, that he almost ran smack into a divider.
“Oh great just what I need!”
He thought to himself. Pausing for only a brief second, he decided
to go down the left passage hoping that it wouldn’t lead him the wrong way. Of
course any way other than Clayton’s had to be the right way. Then to his
surprise, once again, not fifty or sixty paces from the last divider, there was
another split in the path, only this time there were three directions to choose
from instead of two.
“Well”, he said aloud, “I
wouldn’t want to go in a circle.”
And with that he proceeded into the right tunnel passage. After
about eight or nine of these separations, he realized that he no longer heard
Clayton’s boys following him. With exhausted relief he began slowing down, but
only slightly. He tried listening for his pursuers, but his hard breathing was
making it hard for him to hear anything other than himself, so he decided to
take a chance and stop altogether, hoping that nobody was behind him. After
about a minute or so of catching his breath, he calmed himself and quietly
listened. After a couple of seconds he swore he could faintly heard Clayton
yelling something at him. The good news was that he was too far away to
actually make out what he was saying, plus it didn’t seem like he was being followed
anymore. So, being much more relaxed, and feeling much better now about his
current situation, Derkin began walking forward to where he was hoping would be
the end of the tunnel. As he was walking, he realized something that hadn’t
dawned on him earlier. It was almost pitch black in here, he could barely even
see his own hand in front of his face.
“Well, it’s certainly nowhere
near as bad as facing those jerks on the other side of the tunnel”, he said
aloud to himself.
About twenty minutes or so passed
by and still no exit. With nothing better to do, Derkin began thinking as he
walked alone in this strange dark tunnel. Mostly his thoughts were on Porter.
He hoped that he had gotten away safely, and was already home telling his
parents about what had happened. Derkin didn’t really expect Porter to wait an
hour to tell someone, in fact if he knew porter, he’d be screaming help as soon
as he had gotten out where there were a lot of people. Maybe they’d catch
Clayton’s gang and get some info on where they had seen him last. Not that it
would do any good, seeing as even Derkin was clue-less as to his own
brought up an entirely different chain of thoughts to his mind. Where exactly
was he? Of course the more important question was why didn’t Clayton’s guy’s
just keep chasing him? What had stopped them from going to far into the tunnel?
Did they know of some rabid dog that lived in here? Were they scared of the
dark? Maybe they thought that the tunnel would collapse on them and they were all
claustrophobic, “ha-ha”, Derkin laughed aloud, and then in a flash of memory
that sent a horrifying chill up his spine, he remembered all of a sudden the
reason why they had stopped chasing him. This was considered to be a haunted
tunnel. The rumors had all stemmed from that huge accident back when he was
seven. Six years before, the three surrounding towns and his, had gotten
together to work out a solution to the major flooding that happened every rain
season. They had come up with a major sewer system that would divert all the
flood water out to the sea, fifty miles away. They were in their second year of
construction, the most critical point of the whole project. They were at the
point where the four systems would join together and then head out to the sea.
This step was critical because if any town had messed up their calculations in
the construction and direction of their particular tunnel, then the adjoining
sewers would not meet up correctly, and then the already high cost of the four
year project would increase.
As luck would have it, not even
one of the tunnels was where it was supposed to be. The project had almost come
to a halt just then, but a couple of engineers had devised an inexpensive way
to repair the problem and continue the project almost on schedule. So all four
crews got to work on the new design. After only one month, two weeks ahead of
schedule, the four crews had finished the fix it project, and were all ready to
begin the fifty mile trek to the sea. The day before the crews were to begin
the final phase, a group of construction workers from all four towns, invited
some family members to see the work that they had done. What had happened next
was a complete horror, the entire joining section collapsed. Nobody knew for
sure exactly why it happened, mostly because each town blamed the other towns,
so no actual fact finding mission was set forth, but regardless of who was to
blame, all of the people in the tunnel that day died from the cave in. it was
such a mess that it took two and a half weeks just to dig out the first of the
bodies. Even after they had located the people in the rubble, most of them had
to be identified by their dental records, there were a few that couldn’t be
identified at all. It was a real mess.
Not long after the accident,
rumors of people hearing ghosts throughout the tunnels began spreading about.
Ever since then nobody ever went into these tunnels. That is until now.
Derkin couldn’t believe what he
had just done. He instantly went from walking slowly, into a much quicker pace,
almost sprinting. Derkin began to get a little frightened, he knew that these
tunnels stretched for miles in any direction. He had to get out of this place
as soon as possible. He knew that he couldn’t go back the way he came for two
reasons. First there was Clayton and his boys, second, he couldn’t even
remember which way he came. He knew that eventually he would end up at the
meeting junction, but that access could be blocked off. In fact the closest
exit could miles away from where he was, it could take days to get out. What if
he had to sleep in here? Already he thought he was hearing strange noises,
noises that he couldn’t place because he couldn’t see. Suddenly Derkin realized
that he was no longer sprinting, he was running full speed. His heart was
racing and his mind was begging to panic at the thought that he might never
actually get out of this death trap.
Seconds went by, then minutes, it
dawned upon him that he hadn’t come upon any cross sections for a while now.
Was that good or bad? Then his eye caught what he thought what might be light,
so he slowed down and began walking while he looked, to make sure that his mind
wasn’t playing tricks on him.
“This isn’t any good” he said to
He just couldn’t quite make out
anything for sure, so he stood perfectly still and stared.
“Yes, yes” he said, as he resumed
his walking. He tried to orient himself on the light, but as soon as he thought
that he had it he bumped into a wall and fell on his rear.
“Shoot” he yelled, “ I hope I
didn’t lose it”.
Derkin got up and realized that
he had walked into a partition in the tunnel system. He sat there for what
seemed like an eternity trying to decide which direction the light was coming
from before he finally got it. So he pointed himself to where he thought that
light was and ran as fast as he could. After a couple of minutes he was
relieved to see that he had made the right choice after all. Once he was sure
that he knew where the light was he slowed down out of caution, just in case he
had inadvertently turned around and was coming out the same way he came in. he
certainly wouldn’t want to come running out of the tunnel and right into
Clayton’s grasp. As he approached the exit, he saw what looked like a forest,
not the one he had entered but a much greener area with more trees, and what
looked like a little stream. Satisfied that he was coming out somewhere other
than his starting point, he began running again, not because he
was afraid of the dark, or for fear of the
tunnels caving in on him, he just didn’t want to be in these haunted tunnels
any longer than he had to be.
As he exited the
tunnel a sudden wash of familiarity ran through his body, almost like a warm
feeling, as if he were snuggled up in his blankets in the morning. For some
reason it seemed as if he had been here when he was younger, but that was
impossible. His parents never let him play in the forest when he was younger,
even now they wouldn’t be to keen on him going into the forest alone.
“It might be dangerous”, they would say to him, Derkin
thought. Although that was in itself laughable because this place was much
safer than the other side of the tunnel where Clayton was.
Derkin looked around at his
surroundings and was surprised. He had lived on the outskirts of town his whole
life, right next to the forest, and he had never seen any part of it that even
came close to the beauty of this spot. There was a small creek flowing through
two small hills, green grass that almost looked like it had been cut to keep
the height at just the right level. Trees that climbed so high up into the sky
that no matter how hard he looked he couldn’t see the tops of them. The sun
shone through the trees giving some warmth and cool shade at the same time.
This place was perfect in all but one detail. Oddly enough, no matter how hard
and quietly he would listen, he couldn’t hear any animals. No birds chirping,
no frogs croaking, not even any insects buzzing. Nothing, except the sound of
water flowing down stream. Strange indeed.
Well as nice as this place was he
needed to get home, and soon because he probably only had three hours of
sunlight left, and after that he be in a whole different kind of trouble.
Without any light he’d be even more lost than he already was. So he began
walking towards the direction of the sunset, he figured that if it always set
in his back yard, then that direction would eventually lead him to his house.
At least that’s what he was hoping for. As he was walking, he noticed that the
further he got from the tunnel, the more the forest began looking like the one
next to his house, as a matter of fact it was starting to look really familiar.
After about fifteen minutes he noticed a road off to his left. When he reached
the road he saw a little service station on the side of the road. It wasn’t
until then that he realized exactly where he was at. Everyday his mom took him
to school, they passed this station on the road. He was only about a mile from
his house! Derkin almost had to laugh at the extreme amount of good fortune he
was receiving today. Twenty minutes later he was home. After talking with his
parents he found out that porter hadn’t even waited an hour to go and tell
someone about Derkin’s situation. In fact as soon as he had gotten out of that
alley, he started yelling and screaming like a mad man until people came
running up to him to find out what the problem was. Apparently it wasn’t long
after he told people that the police got involved and had tracked down Clayton
and his band of thugs, and arrested them on suspicion of assault.
“Well they deserve everything
they get”, Derkin told his parents. Of course in the back of his mind, he did
wonder what would happen the next time he had the misfortune of running into
looked down at his watch and realized that it was already four o clock. He only
had about two hours left to get home and tell his parents the bad news. Derkin
got up, took a good look around, closed his eyes and took in a deep breath,
exhaled, and said goodbye to the Forrest. He pointed himself towards the road
he had found all those years ago and began walking towards home. To say
good-bye to his mother and father, to ask Jenna to marry him, and then hop the
next cruiser outta town and start boot camp. As he was walking he began to hear
a sort of rustling noise off to his left, and a little behind him. He stopped
to look to see what it was, but when he turned, the noise stopped, and there
was nothing there. He looked all around and made sure that it wasn’t a bear or
anything dangerous, but all he found were some deer prints scattered here and
“No big deal,” he thought to
himself, “ I can handle a deer”.
So he began walking home again.
As he was thinking about how to tell his parents about his enlistment, he began
hearing the rustling noise again, but this time instead of stopping he just
kept on walking, and trying to orient on the noise, so that when he spun
around, he could orient on whatever it was that was behind him. After about a
minute he pictured in his head where the animal might be and he quickly spun
around, and for a second he thought he saw a goat, but then his senses came to
him and he realized that there weren’t any goats where he lived. Well whatever
it was it was gone now, and Derkin didn’t have the time to play any games with
the animals in the Forrest. So this time he turned and began jogging away. But
just as soon as he began his trotting, he caught a glimpse of something out of
the corner of his eye, but when he turned to look at it, it was gone. He
wondered what it was, but he really didn’t have to time to figure it out.
he was about to give up even trying to figure it out, he heard a voice call his
name. “Derkin”. Derkin froze in his tracks, and began looking around
frantically to see who could be there. Who said that, he called out while
carefully looking for any movement from his immediate surroundings. Still, even
with his best observation he couldn’t locate exactly with his ears or his eyes,
where the voice that began speaking to him was.
“Sir, I do beg your pardon, but a
situation has unfortunately arisen that has caused me to come and see you five
years before I had originally planned. I sincerely do regret the necessity of
having to disrupt this world that you have grown so accustomed to, but I fear
that your life may be in danger.”
“Who and where the hell are you,
and what do you mean that my life may be in danger”, Derkin blurted out as he
was still trying to locate the person talking to him.
“Sir, I assure you that I am a
friend, and as to my whereabouts, well I am directly in front of you.
Unfortunately I must for a brief time keep myself invisible from your sight,
for my appearance may come as a shock to you. I know that this is going to seem
a bit confusing, but you are not of this world, you were not born here, and an
unfortunate situation has occurred that requires that you be sent home
Derkin stood motionless for a few seconds as he worked this out in
“OK”, he thought to himself, “I’m
talking to some kind of person who can throw his voice, that must be it because
there is no way a person can be invisible. And as for the lunatics claim that
he wasn’t, what was it he said? Of this planet? Well he had news for him”. Now
aloud so the stranger could hear him.
“Look Mr. Magician, or what ever
you are, I think your little voice throwing trick is cool and all, but I don’t
have the time for any more crazy stories or any more of your neat little magic
tricks. I do have somewhere to go now, so thanks for the show”. And at that he
turned to leave.
As he was
doing so he suddenly felt something grab his arm to stop him.
“Hey!”, he said as he turned and
saw nothing in front of him. “What the heck is going on?”, he said as fear
started gripping his mind.
“I see some proof is in order
sir,I had of course sincerely hoped
that you would be opened minded and logical enough to converse with me as I am
in my present state. Of course in your defense, I don’t see what made me think
that you would ever follow an invisible man into a tunnel, but as I had stated
earlier, my appearance will come as a shock to you. Now please stand back sir
and all will be reveled.”
Derkin felt the grip on his arm
release, and for a second he felt like bolting out of there as fast as he
possibly could, but his intense curiosity just had to know what the hell was
really going on. So as instructed, he took a step back, and no sooner than he
had done so, a man appeared, or at least at first it appeared to be a man, at
least on the top anyway. For a moment all he could do was stare at the thing in
front of him.His mind then began
racing to put together what the hell he was looking at. It was half animal,
half human. Two hairy stubby legs with what actually looked like hooves.
“Hooves?” He thought. “What the
heck is this thing?”, he wondered as his mind caught a glimpse of a memory from
Then after what seemed
like the longest ten seconds of his life, it came to him. He had seen this
thing before, in a book Porter had read. He even remembered what Porter had
called it. What ever this thing may have called itself, and what ever it had
said, Derkin knew one thing for sure, he was
shocked to see what was in front of him, simply because it was
impossible. It was impossible by every scientific law of nature he had ever
known. Standing before Derkin, was a Satyr.
|16 Apr 2003|| Frances Monro|
Nice ending. Overall this is a well done story.
Consider writing and introductory scene where ferinstance: Derkin talks to Jenna about his plans and about his parents. This would set things up better than having him musing in his special spot, and it would introduce Jenna as a character. He could go off there afterwards to brood, and then continue on as you have. Charlie J. Mizer
replies: "Thanks for the comment. I don't go into much detail about the parents or the girlfriend in this chapter beacuse the parents are not his real parents, which you soon find out, and the girlfriend is discussed a bit more later on in the book. The only point to this chapter is to give a small sense of where he thinks he's from, and to introduce one of the other main characters, (porter)."
|16 Apr 2003|| Frances Monro|
The fight and the flight from the gang is well done. Charlie J. Mizer
replies: "Thanks, I spent a little time on that part, to be honest I still have more to add, buit I'm glad you liked it."
|16 Apr 2003|| Frances Monro|
*first comment dance!*
OK... Are only men allowed in the military? Are they at war or peace? I would think that Jenna would have other concerns then simply not seeing Derkin for six months. Will he be killed? There's an element of danger here. What are her plans for her own life? What does she think of the military?
Derkin's parents are high ranking peace activists who hate the military. Golden Rule: -Show, don't Tell.- You are telling us things about his parents here which should be shown. You should have a scene with him confronting his parents and them arguing with him, and that is the place to bring in their anti war sentiments and positions. Show these things to us in action and dialogue, don't tell them to us.