"And Now, for Something Completely Different...." by Cindy Rosenthal

The Usagi--a small modified and customized class J racer registered out of Gioia, the Ring City--was second in her division at the midway point of the Mitsukoshi-Saks All-Federation Space Rally, behind another class J registered to a couple of space jockeys based on Algol. And then Luna Moon, the Usagi's owner/captain/engineer/woman-in-charge, fed the ship the next set of coordinates, jumped through hyperspace, and emerged smack in the middle of a meteor shower.

"Shit!" she swore, as something bumped the ship and momentarily knocked out the lights.

"Lovely," commented the Usagi, as the lights flicked back on. "Shields full power."

"No kidding."

THUD.

"What was that?" Luna demanded. "Shields check. Where'd this come from? Jeez, nagivation check. You got a virus or something?"

"Shields functioning 90%. Navigation 100% accurate. This isn't my fault."

"We must've--" Thud. "Dammit, what's with the autopilot?"

"I can't avoid every single thing out here. Jack out, Luna."

"What? Why?" THUD.

"That's why. If my systems go down, so do yours."

"Your systems won't go down." Something hit the roof and the ship dropped; almost simultaneously it slammed head-on into something else. "Crap. Crisis mode, we gotta get out of this." She yanked the jack out of her head, wincing at the brief headache she always got when she interrupted the program. The tiny, continuous stream of information that scrolled just at the edge of her peripheral vision, the words and numbers that told her how and what her ship was doing, everything she'd ever need to know--that vanished. But as bad as it was for her to jack out unexpectedly, it wasn't as bad as what could happen if the Usagi's computer went down while she was still hooked into it. She'd never seen an AI flatline, but she'd heard stories. "Abort bio-link." She should stop the program if she was disconnected. "Sensors check. Shields check."

"Bio-link aborted. Front sensors functioning 40%. Starboard sensors functioning 58%. Port and rear sensors functioning 80%." Crisis mode meant the ship only gave out necessary information and refrained from making any snide comments. It offered no opinions and gave no orders until it was safe to have them. And if the sensors were going down that fast, it definitely wasn't safe to have anything other than a plan of action.

"Shields, check shields!" Thud.

"Roof shields functioning 50%. Starboard and rear shields functioning 65%. Port shields functioning 72%. Front shields functioning 30%."

"Great," Luna muttered. "That's just great." Her hands danced over the map screen as she tried to figure out where they were and how they'd gotten there. She glanced up at the meteors streaming towards her, trying to calculate how far the shower extended and how long it might take them to get out of it. "Where are we? Coordinate!"

"Coordinating." Thud. "Front sensors functioning 32%. Front shields down."

"What?" Luna practically shrieked. "Just like that? You're kidding!"

"I'm not. Front sensors 30%."

"Stop coordinating and steer!"

"Location coordination aborted." Thud. "Front sensors 18%."

"Crap. Check all sensors. Check naviga--" Thud. "Navigation! You can't steer yourself?"

"Front sensors 15%. Starboard sensors 30%. Port and rear sensors 72%. Autopilot 70%."

Then you shouldn't be hitting so many meteors, Luna thought. The ship dipped to avoid a front-end collision and hit something underneath it.

"Front sensors down," it reported.

"Manual override, Usagi, now!"

"Password."

"Pass--? Shit."

"Wrong."

"Spider spit."

"Check. Password."

"The sky above the port was the color of television tuned to a dead channel." Luna said it so fast the whole sentence sounded like a single word.

"Check. Password."

"Marie and Pierre Curie."

"Check. Voice recognition."

"Soylent Green is people."

"Check. Manual override complete."

"Thank you god," Luna breathed, as the manual steering panel appeared. If the front sensors were down she could maneuver the Usagi much more safely than the ship could. Luna was glad she hadn't programmed the AI with an overweening ego, although setting all three passwords and voice recognition on the manual override was probably a bit too paranoid.

"Starboard sensors down," the ship reported. It rocked sideways as something hit it.

"Shit. Port and rear sensors check."

"Port sensors functioning 77%. Rear sensors functioning 60%." THUD. "Rear sensors now functioning 43%."

"Dammit." Luna's hands flew across the steering panel as she tried to navigate through the meteor shower. The viewscreen fuzzed out briefly. "Monitors check," she practically snapped.

"All viewscreens functioning 100%."

"Wrong, I got fuzz."

"Repeat, all viewscreens functioning 100%."

"Shields, then, check shields!" Another thud.

"Roof shields functioning 10%. Starboard shields down. Port shields functioning 15%. Rear shields down."

"Shit," Luna said again. "More power to roof shield."

"Check." Thud. Thud. The ship swerved sideways out of the path of an oncoming meteor.

"Life support!"

"Life support systems functioning 98%. No leaks in oxygen tanks."

"At least something's still up. Where's the closest port?"

"Calculating.... Closest port Rurislova Station. Setting coordinates."

"Domo, Usagi."

"Do itamashite."

THUD. Luna thought she heard something crack.

"Systems check!" she demanded. "Get Rurislova on the transmitter!"

"Running systems check. Transmitter down. Only two channels operational."

"Well get them on the emergency channel!" Silence. "Usagi? Report!"

"Report!" the ship repeated, mimicking Luna's voice back at her.

"Come on, Usagi, talk to me.... Systems check."

"Running systems check," the ship reported in its normal tone. Luna let out the breath she'd been holding. "Life support 75%. No leaks in oxygen tanks. Thermostat functioning 65%." Temperature control, Luna thought, oh shit. Thud. "Thermostat functioning 54%. Port shields down. Roof shields functioning 6%. Port sensors 58%. Rear sensors 20%."

"Internal systems check. Navigation, Usagi, check navigation. Coordinate for Rurislova."

"Overall internal systems functioning 92%. Navigation systems functioning 50%. Coordinating for Rurislova Station."

"Communications check."

"Emergency channel functioning, all other channels down."

"Where's the nearest ship? Anyone else out there?" She fired questions as she squinted at the monitor and bounced the Usagi around meteors. "Check shields."

"All shields down. Projected hull breach sixteen minutes."

"That long. Think, Luna," she muttered. "Get us the hell out of here in one piece."

"Navigation systems down. Sending SOS."

"Domo. Sensors check."

"Rear sensors down. Port sensors functioning 42%."

"Life support check. Thermostat." Luna was only half listening, too intent on steering to pay much attention, but she figured what she didn't consciously hear would filter into her brain anyway.

"Life support functioning 62%. Thermostat 48%. Still no oxygen leaks." Thud. "Projected hull breach twelve minutes."

"What? It was sixteen!"

"Meteor damage."

"No kidding," Luna said drily. "Where the hell is my SOS? Find me the end of this damn shower!"

"Most sensors down. Navigation systems down." The Usagi sounded faintly reproachful.

"Right, right, sorry. I'm steering as fast as I can. Oh, damn, engine check. Fuel check. Thrusters check."

"Engine functioning 40%. Fuel 62%." That sounded about right. "Thrusters functioning 24%."

"Crap. Crap. All power to thrusters. We gotta get out of this." She felt a chill. It was getting cold. "Thermostat! Internal temp!"

"Thermostat functioning 32%. Internal temp 17° C and falling."

"Pressure! Life support! What's with the engine? Come on, move!" She hit the accelerator and the Usagi lurched forward. All the internal navigation systems were toasted but Luna could still steer, and as long as the engine held she could push them out of danger.

"Internal pressure 92%. Life support functioning 56%. Leak in one of the oxygen tanks."

"What?! What do you mean, there's a leak?" Thud.

"Running systems check. Oxygen leaking into the atmosphere." Well, better than leaking into the ship. "Projected hull breach seven minutes."

"You're kidding me! All power to thrusters! I'm not dying out here!"

"Neither am I. Thrusters powered 35%." At least that was better than 24%, although it still might not be enough. "Engine holding at 40%." THUD. The ship rocked and Luna reflexively grabbed one of the chair arms to keep from falling onto the floor, even though she was well strapped in.

"Manual systems check."

"Manual systems functioning 87%. Steering 92%."

"Thank god for some things. Thermostat. Check oxygen."

"Thermostat functioning 28%. Internal temp 16° C. Oxygen capacity forty-five minutes."

"Shit." I really need some new swear words, Luna thought abstractly. "Hull breach projection."

"Projected hull breach seven minutes."

"I think I see the end. Oh my god, I see the end. Thrusters at capacity. Now!"

"Thrusters functioning 22%." Thud. The lights blinked and the image on the screen flickered. "Engine functioning 27%. Projected hull breach five minutes."

"All power to thrusters. Go." She smacked the accelerator again. The Usagi groaned and creaked scarily as the engine collected itself and the thrusters blasted them out of the fringe of the meteor shower before collapsing entirely. The ship floated serenely away from what was almost its untimely end.

"Oh jeez," Luna gasped, "oh jeez, I can't believe that. Who the hell gave me those coordinates? How did that happen??"

"I don't know. I'm running a systems check, if you're interested." Now that they were out of immediate danger the Usagi could go back to being herself, offering opinions and making suggestions.

"I'm interested." Luna unbelted herself and got up to find a suit. She was damn cold, and it wasn't shock. "Run autopilot."

"Autopilot down."

"Excuse me?"

"I said, autopilot down. Engines down. Thrusters down. Shields down. Sensors down. Navigation systems down. Communications channels down except for emergency frequency. Sending SOS. Life support holding at 36%. Internal temp 13° C and falling. Oxygen capacity thirty-two minutes. I'd look for an oxygen mask if I were you."

"Thanks," Luna muttered, zipping herself into her quilted coverall. She pulled on two pairs of socks before putting on her boots. "Did you say you sent an SOS?" The wall screens suddenly dissolved into static, as if they'd been holding on for as long as they were needed but no longer. Luna grimaced at them.

"I did," the Usagi confirmed. "Docking mechanism projected to function at 25%, which should be enough. Shutting down all life support systems except for the minimum." All the lights went off, the emergency lights went on, the internal gravity shut down, and it got a little colder. "Internal temp 11° C. Oxygen capacity thirty-one minutes."

"Well, at least it isn't leaking that fast." Luna hung the oxygen mask around her neck, pulled a rubber band off her wrist, snapped it around her hair to keep it moderately under control, and floated back to the driver's seat. She belted herself in, spun around, took a look at her poor ship. "Hull breach?"

"Eventually."

"No projected estimate?"

"Not more than that. We went through a meteor shower. I've got cracks."

"I'm sorry, I'll get you fixed. Good as new, I promise." She stared moodily at the static on the viewscreen and wondered when that would be, that the Usagi was as good as new. "Tell me when the oxygen's down to fifteen minutes, then shut it off. I don't want to drain the tanks."

"Will do."

"Sent the SOS?"

"Several times. Emergency channel wide open."

"Great. Maybe I should find my gloves," Luna said, blowing on her hands. She could see her breath. "Temp?"

"Internal temp holding at 7° C."

They floated in silence for a minute, a small silver speck drifting aimlessly, rudderless, through the vast universe.

"--spond," the transmitter suddenly crackled. "Usagi, this is the Federation ship Ziggy Stardust, please respond. Repeat, this is the Federation ship Zig--"

"Usagi responding," Luna practically shouted, stabbing the button. "This is Luna Moon, owner and captain, where are you? My screens are down. My everything's down."

"Coming up to starboard, estimated docking time four minutes. Shit on a pixie, Usagi, what happened to you?"

"You got a meteor shower on your screens? That's what happened to me. Either it appeared unexpectedly or someone sabotaged my coordinates." If those sprocket jockeys from Algol got in my system, she thought suddenly, heads are gonna roll.

"Well, send out your dockers, we'll hook you up."

"Docking mechanism functioning 25%," the Usagi reminded Luna. She repeated that to the Ziggy Stardust, adding "Just throw me a tow rope, I'll stick my head out a porthole and tie it to something." The tech or officer or whoever was at the other end of the transmission on the Ziggy Stardust laughed.

"We'll work it somehow," he said, "we do this a lot. Unofficial tow ship of the Federation, that's us."

They talked her through it, because she couldn't see them on her screens and she'd never docked with the mechanism so destroyed anyway, and four minutes later the Usagi hooked into the Ziggy Stardust, siphoned off a little of the tow ship's power, and turned the internal gravity back on.

"Thanks," Luna said into the transmitter. "I'll get my stuff and be right out. Where were you guys going, anyway?"

"We're on our way to Rurislova Station. That work for you?"

"That's perfect for me. Domo arigato gozaimasu."

"You Japanese, Usagi?"

"Among other things. Let me get my gear and I'll tell you all about me. Usagi out."

"Will do, Usagi. Airlock readied. Ziggy Stardust out."

"That was interesting," the ship commented as Luna gathered her stuff and threw it into her duffel. Everything was already tied down to keep it from flying around, so packing was simply a matter of untying cords, opening lockers, and sweeping things out. Strapped to the wall by the bed was a hard-sided case which held her hand tools and the beta-test chips for the prototype racer she was building; she unbuckled the straps and opened it on the bed, just to make sure everything was in one piece.

"I don't think 'interesting' is the word I'd use," she said. Those little tools weren't cheap, and the beta-test chips were now all that remained of her prototype, outside the notes she'd made on paper. Her notebook had been hooked into the Usagi when they jumped out of hyperspace into the meteor shower, and it was completely trashed. She'd have to get it repaired on Rurislova and hopefully all the notes and schematics on it would be ok.

On her way out Luna stopped and looked around.

"I don't want anyone messing with you while I'm gone," she said. "Security, highest level. Everything locked down except the airlock."

"Password."

"Spider spit."

"Check. Password."

"The sky above the port was the color of television tuned to a dead channel."

"Check. Password."

"Marie and Pierre Curie."

"Check. Security password."

"Tokugawa Ieyasu."

"Check. Voice recognition."

"Soylent Green is people."

"Check. Security lock-down complete."

"Domo arigato, Usagi. See you on Rurislova." Luna shouldered her duffel, picked up the hard-sided case, and walked out of the airlock and into the Ziggy Stardust.