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Claire L. Burdfield

"The Sword" by Claire L. Burdfield

SF&F Picture 3 out of 4 by Claire L. Burdfield
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This was another draft for Nanowrimo and it's very short. It doesn't make a lot of sense and there are also lots of spelling mistakes.
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The sword made contact. Hot blood ran down the girl’s side, she gasped for breath, her eyes were wide with the shock. That’s it. For her it was over. She laid her dagger and shield on the ground next to her feet, crest up so someone would know who she was when she would be discovered after the battle. She leaned against a tree, sliding down the trunk as her knees slowly gave way. This was not how she was supposed to die. She was supposed to be killed in her sleep, when she was peaceful. She forced herself up, she knew this couldn’t be her end, she wouldn’t let it, stumbling she made it to the edge of the battlefield. She scanned the clearing; her fellows and enemies numbers were dwindling. The ground was wet, though the sun was beating down. She stared at the sky, counting the moments till the battle was over. One good thing about being a time mage, she could take herself out of time. She looked back, her fellows had been victorious, but she could see none of her friends amongst the survivors. She followed her allies back to the giant manor house that was their headquarters and laid herself down on a bed, just to let herself rest for a few moments.

As she slept she dreamt of a time without war, where people could be free from oppression. Her cares faded away and as she slept peacefully the infection from the sword spread through her body. In the morning she was just another poor soldier for the grave.

←- One | Water -→

DateNameComment 
3 Mar 2006:-) Kaeli Grotz
*Snatches First Comment greedily* Thou shalt tell me in future when thou hast updates, d'ye hear! Good thing I happened to stop by.

Hmm, a little random, hard to tell if I like it in isolation, but I'm going to give it the benefit if the doubt because I'd like to read more of this - there are pressing questions like "What does a time mage do? And why can't they prevent war if they can run around in time?"

Didn't pick up any spelling mistakes (though I honestly wasn't looking very hard) but I'd say maybe break the first paragraph up a bit more. The average reader (well, okay, the lazy ones like me) will read four of five lines into a paragraph and then skip to the last sentence, which means they miss whatever important info might have been contained in the chunk of text. Also, some important concepts would have more weight if they each had their own paragraph.

Though I suppose I'm the converse of that, I'm often guilty of putting every second sentence in a new paragraph, which is to be avoided too. Hmm, I'm rambling, I should shut up fairly soon.

Just need to say then that your style is sound, and it has the promise of being a good piece of writing when it's more than a few paragraphs... More more!

2 Claire L. Burdfield replies: "Thank you for da comment, next time I'll tell you when i update, ok?"
10 Mar 2006:-) Micah A English
Hm. Curious. There are some changes I'd make, mainly grammatical. I do understand this was just a beginning, and it does sound kind of like a prologue although I'm not sure what kind of events could be set in motion by her death.

I don't feel much of anything aside from the general sadness of knowing someone somewhere has died, in my particularly callous method of thinking that doesn't mean a lot. Everyone dies eventually. I mean, I don't dislike her, but I don't know her well enough to really be sad by her passing.

I'm not sure if you've played any Final Fantasy games, but Time Mages appear in them and anyone who has played FF will think of that. I'm not saying whether that's good or bad (not as bad as using Dragoons anyway, those are better known) but you should be aware anyway.

58 Claire L. Burdfield replies: "Thanks, i might do something with this later, but at the moment i'm just too lazy!"
13 Mar 2006:-) Bex Coulter
Sorry to spam up your page, but I just realised that my computer sucks, and refuses to work properly, and I left two - three if you count this one - comments.
This is where the 'can never have too much of a good thing' quote is put to the test....
Soz

10 Claire L. Burdfield replies: "Thank you for spamming up my page! Nice comments though."
13 Mar 2006:-) Bex Coulter
Wow! I loved this! It is definitely my favourite so far! In fact, I was so emerged in it, that I didn't notice any spelling or grammar or typo mistakes...

It was a nice surprise to see how short this was, cos I'm so lazy...and fed up of Othello... but the surprise took a bad turn when I realised it had already finished, and more needed to be written!!!!! - You have to continue this story...somehow, since your main character kinda died...else I'll beat you with a big hammer from my tech room!

By the way, I especially like how the character wouldn't give up, and refused to let even death get in her way - she kind of reminded me of you

I loved it - hence the gushing praise.

16 Claire L. Burdfield replies: "Oooook, more of the same."
13 Mar 2006:-) Bex Coulter
Wow! I love this! I was so emerged in the story that I didn't even notice any typos, I guess a good story'll do that to you...

It was a nice surprise to see how short his was, seeing as I'm so lazy and all, until I got to the end, and realised that it had ended way too soon!
This is so definitely my favourite! You have to continue this....somehow... else I'll beat you with a stick 'til you promise to write more!!!

Anyway, I loved it, and have absolutely nothing bad to say!

1 Claire L. Burdfield replies: "Thanks!!!"
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About 'The Sword':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Claire L. Burdfield
 • Copyright: ©Claire L. Burdfield. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Sword, Mage, Infection, Battle
 • Categories: Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc.
 • Views: 84


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One
Water
By Myself

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