| Date | Name | Comment | | | 20 Mar 2004 |  Carmen Janine Ryan |  Loading...Yummy, A poem. I couldn't write one if the hounds of hell were on my heels demanding it *blush* Anyway *cough cough* I liked it, rough or no I was good in my opinion.  Clarion Hess replies: "Thank you!!! I'm still not sure that I have the makings or even the desire to be a poet, but your kind words do not fall upon deaf ears. Thank you!! *makes mental note to go to Carmen's site and gush forth a plethora of praise*  " | |
| 31 Mar 2004 |  Morgana | Loading... I liked it. I write poems more than stories and mine tend to be more real, but I like your fantasy one. I liked how it closed with it being in your mind. Very good. Clarion Hess replies: "Thank you for commenting!! The mind bit seemed to be a fitting and somewhat conclusive end to the poem. So it just kind of naturally fell into place there. I had nothing to do with it. Blame my mind!!...
Glad you liked!!" | |
| 26 May 2004 | Amanda M. Howard | Loading... Hmmm...I liked the rythm more than the rhyme. The phrase "The other side of nowhere" rocks. Perhaps you could relax the rigidity of the rhyme scheme, just make it scan & keep the rythm-- sometimes it feels stilted, as if in the search of rhyming words you had to miss what you really wanted to say. Clarion Hess replies: "I like the phrase 'on the other side of nowhere' too. That phrase why how the entire poem came to be in the first place.
Yes, I agree, the rhythm is much better than the rhyme. I can't be sure what I really wanted to say, so I can't adequately find the right words to express the meaning behind the poem. If this poem was a piece of artwork, I would call it abstract and let the critics mess with its meaning.
I'm not much of a poet. What do you mean by 'relax the rigidity of the rhyme scheme' and 'just make it scan & keep the rhythm'?
I am trying to make a decent poem for a book thing I am supposedly working on. (I haven't worked on it in forever. Haven't had the time… *sigh*)
I will accept any and all advice with thanks and I will visit your site as soon as I can. I have a list like ten people long by now, just for comments. And I have other people that I have promised to read… so life goes on even in the soaring temperatures of the Texas Coastal Plain. 95°F is the high today. And not even full summer yet. *sigh* (You know I just had to sneak the weather in there somewhere… I am suffering from sunburn right now. So I have retreated to the cool temperatures of my humble abode to write.) (Wow, I like using big words today.)
Yeah... well, thanks for commenting." | |
| 13 Jun 2004 |  Amanda C. Hopkins | Loading... W00t! I'm finally commenting on your stuff! (You can stop w/ the bugs now.) I do like this one, it has a noble, sophisticated (trying to find right word, failing)... solemn, that's it. It has a solemn, somber feeling to it, which I like and admire muchly. However, I do think all the "other side of nowhere"s hinder it quite a bit. A valiant effort *sprinkles credit on Clarion's head*, but too much and too many. Maybe put them at the beginning of sections? Like verses? Do you even kind of understand what I mean? E me if you don't. Lurve the concept and the rhyme scheme on the upside. Is this poem in connection w/ a story, or just a result of random inspirings? Nehoo, I'm gonna go peruse now... *meanders off into abyss* Clarion Hess replies: "Quite definately random inspiration. I don't really care for this piece, so you may as well accept all of the repitition. It isn't going to change. I will just try a new poem on the same subject instead of changing this one. This was about the work of twenty minutes, including typing. I understand what you mean, but it wont change anything. (Note: I haven't read this in forever.) I remember that the thing I don't like is the way the lines between the 'on the other side of nowhere' lines went. There was no real point in them. I may eventually make a poem that makes sense with that line. I really like the line 'on the other side of nowhere' and I think it kind of ties the piece together a little. To me it seems like that 'House on Mango Street' book. Mrs. Prado kept saying that the random stories all had a thread of connection, but you didn't see the thread till the end. I like my end. (Warning, the above may make no sense. I haven't read this in forever. Plus anybody but 'Manda and a few other people who haven't visited me yet don't know Mrs. Prado or 'House on Mango Street'.)" | |
| 14 Jun 2004 |  Georg Marquardt | Loading... Cool, this really reminds me of the feeling you get when you wake up from a really disorienting dream, one which seems extremely real, and you have no clue where you are. You know what I'm getting at don't you? When I get the chance I'll publish one of those experiences. It was a dream in which I was wounded and tried to fence with Janus (no, not Hermes) to save my soul. ANyway, you'll have to read it. It should be through in a week or so, my ticket block hasn't expired yet. Anyway, great rhymes, although they were definitely forced in some places. I've tried repetition of lines once or twice, and it doesn't work for me at all, so that last sentence was more of a compliment than crit. Clarion Hess replies: "Thank you for your comment. And complement. I understand what you mean about the whole dream thing. I hadn't realized that my poem is like that, but it actually makes sense. And yes, alot of the rhymes are probably forced.
I will try to visit when that stuff comes up on your thing. I have to visit a lot of people and I have no time. Please come back and bug me to visit." | |
| 17 Jun 2004 | Amanda C. Hopkins | Loading... I kind of see what u mean about the Mango St. bit. Kinda. And I also understand the not-going-back-to-rewrite-it thing. I have that syndrome w/ most of my elfwood writings. But there is one thing I forgot to mention- "My mercy sets me free" is my favorite line. I think it's terribly intruiging, so I hope you consider using it in the future. If you don't, I may steal it from you. Watch out... *lurks*... Rarr! I also like the bit that goes "A unicorn and baby star." That sounds like an intro to some epic intro poem. Know what I mean? Anyhoo, I feel better now that that's done with. E me! Clarion Hess replies: "It does have some good lines. I like the ones you pulled out. I still think the overall poem is pointless. Some people have said that they like it and I haven't run out of room yet, so it stays up." | |
| 4 Sep 2005 |  Keith D. Brooks Jr. | Loading... Like the poem. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the 'other side of nowhere. I've never been good at poetry, but this was really good!  Clarion Hess replies: "Thank you. I just finished reworking this poem completely and now I actually like it." | |
| 24 Oct 2005 | Cool poem writer | Loading... I can't think of any rhyms for my poem! How'd you manage? | |
| 16 Jun 2006 |  Elizabeth Wilcox | Loading... I really love this poem--actually, I think it would make a great song (I even sort of made up a tune in my head as I wrote . . . it just seemed to fit). The repeated refrain "the other side of nowhere" is perfect and the rhythm is just right . . . all in all, I can't think of a thing I'd change. ^_^ | |
| 13 Feb 2007 |  L. ´Frog´ Janas | Loading... I agree with Amanda Howard above me. I think the structure is too prevalent. Right now when you read it, the poem sounds sing-songy (yes I know that isn't a word) and you end up noticing the rhymes and the meter more than the actual words themselves. Try making it more freeform. I'm not saying rhymes and rhythm can't exist, but it will flow better if you get out of this every-other-line-must-rhyme kind of thing. I, too, like the phrase 'the other side of nowhere' which is why I decided to read the poem to begin with. I don't think it required quite so many repetitions. We haven't forgotten what the poem is about, don't worry. If it was supposed to be a song, it probably would have been fine, but it doesn't really read like a poem. I hope I helped and didn't just berate you to a pulp. *Sigh* Keep writing! | |
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Amanda B. Melheim
Rachel sharon edidin
A.R. George