"Bathtime" by Laura Peregrin

This is a story about goblins, so you know it's going to be a good story right now. Most goblin stories are about one thing - fighting stuff (usually other goblins). Ok, two things - fighting stuff and rocks. Shiny rocks - woo! Shiny rocks are worth fighting about. I had some shiny rocks once - they were... Oh, right, the story, right. Yeah, well this story isn't about those things. In fact, it isn't like other goblin stories at all, I mean, it starts with goblins philly... phillosy ... thinking about stuff.

"So, what do you reckon bogies smell like?" Gik rooted about a bit and produced an excellent specimen with which to illustrate his point. It was large, greenish with a hint of yellow, glistening and just a bit gloopy - perfect texture and colour, but what about scent?
"I dunno," Krez muttered, and the other goblins all shook their heads in agreement. Or maybe cos they felt like it.
"I mean, they're in our noses, right? Most of the time," Gik continued his argument, with commendable scientific attention to honesty. "An' our noses smell, right?"
"Naw - my nose dun't smell!" Krez objected. "Yours does - hur, hur - cos you do - hur, hur, hur!"
Gik waited for a few minutes, ok quite a while actually, for the others to stop laughing at this amazing display of wit before continuing to present his case. "So, if bogies are in our noses, and our noses are doing the smelling, then all the time we're smelling bogies, so bogies smell like everything!" Gik waited in triumph for his fellows to acknowledge the astounding logic of his argument. Or at least not throw stuff at him.
"So we smell like bogies?" a small goblin at the back of the group suggested. "Cool!"
"Don't care what they smell like," Krez said, reaching out. "They taste good." He snatched Exhibit A from Gik, and et it. Gik responded with a clout to Krez's head, and a fine fight was about to begin, when a shadow fell across the happy group.
It was a shadow all the goblins knew and feared. They immediately sat up and tried to look like very good little goblins indeed. It didn't work, of course.
"Oi, you lot - what do you think you're up to?" Hinna scowled suspiciously at them. Hinna was the goblin Matron, and if there was one thing she couldn't stand it was the sight of goblins having fun. She was certain that fun was going on here, though she couldn't spot the cause (cos Krez had et it).
"Baths for you lot, now!" she bellowed.
"Awwwww! no!" cried the goblins (and many other phrases besides, which I shall leave to your imagination). They shuffled off towards the bath. Many of them were smirking as they went, cos it's a secret (at least from Matron) that actually goblins quite like baths.

The goblin bath is a fabulous thing, probably one of the most fabulous things in the whole world actually. It's a huge hole scooped out of the rock, like something exploded there (if it did, I didn't do it - this was ages ago, even older than Matron), all filled with brownish muddy stuff. Ok, a mud bath's not that impressive, but this isn't usual mud. It changes colours sometimes, to yellowish or greenish, and there are big slow bubbles in it even when there are no goblins in to make them. It's really thick and it glistens, and if you throw it at a friend it makes a really good splat. And then they splat you, and there's a fight and all sorts of fun, just cos of the mud. Best of all though is the smell. That changes too, so it always has a surprise or two for lucky goblin. The base scent is something chemical - sulphur I think - but it has overtones. They might be very old seaweed, or that smell you get when you leave a dead enemy for a very long time to get really ripe before eating it. And bogies, of course, as recently established in scientific debate.
As the goblins arrived, still complaining (another secret is that goblins like complaining too), the bath sent out inviting wafts of elderly cheese and damp dog. Matron hurried them along, and soon the goblins were leaping into the mass. Before very long bath-mud, shrieks and the occasional goblin were flying merrily through the air.

But then suddenly something very horrible happened. It's so horrible that I'm not sure I ought to tell you about it. Maybe I should tell you about those shiny rocks instead ... oh, ok, the story. But don't say I didn't warn you.
Above all the noise, the splats, bubbles and gleeful cursing, a new sound arose. This sound was altogether sinister, and in a language completely unknown to most of the goblins. It was the sound of magic being worked, and sure enough it was issuing from a wizard standing high up on the cliffs overlooking the bath. The goblins knew he was a wizard cos he was wearing a sparkly blue dress and a pointy hat like wizards do. The goblins all thought 'uh-oh' and ducked down under the mud in case a lightning blot happened or the wizard blew up messily which is the sort of effect goblin wizards tended to achieve.

This was worse. As the words of the spell writhed around in the air and the goblins hid, something very bad happened to the bath. The mud thinned until it was a liquid, and it lost all its fascinating colours and scents. It had turned to water - cool, clear, clean water that sparkled in the sunlight.
Goblins screamed and leapt from the water in all directions. They looked strangely small and very green.
"We've been washed!" Krez moaned.
"It burns!" Gik cried, frantically grabbing at soil and mud puddles around the bath in attempt to get dirty again. All the goblins were wailing and screaming, and those sounds of terror and woe mingled with the wizard's hideous laughter.
Even Matron looked upset.

Goblins don't stay upset for long, though, without getting mad. Soon the cries changed.
'Burn the wizard!' yelled Gik.
'Vengeance for the bath!" shouted Krez.
Goblins swarmed over the rocks to meet the wizard and his friends. The wizard's laughter changed to a terrified yelping and he tried to run away but all the escape routes were spewing goblins out onto the cliffs. He was surrounded.

According to Kikki-Tikki, the goblin bard, this is what happened next. (OK, there is some fighting in this story.) The goblins valiantly and courageouly attacked the wizard's friends, hitting, biting, yelling, throwing rocks (not shiny ones) and waving swords around, and soon the puny humans were all chopped up into little bits, or at least not moving much. When the wizard saw what the goblins had done to his friends, he cried like a little girlie and the great goblins bashed him into even littler bits.

A great mess was made and the goblins themselves got all covered in bits of wizard and suchlike, so they weren't clean anymore. Hardly any of them got hurt, though Gik did wave his sword so enthusiastically that he cut his own nose off. He was ever after hailed as a hero - Gik No-Nose, Hero of the Bath.
As soon as the wizard was squished, the bath returned to normal. All the goblins cheered, and raced back to the bath to celebrate. Some were so keen to return to the bath tthey had saved that they jumped in from the top of the cliff, making the biggest splats ever.

Ever after, on the anniversary of the Battle of the Bath, splat-contests are held where goblins try to emulate their heroes by leaping from the cliff into the bath. A ceremonial feast of fresh-squished wizard is also held, and commerorative songs are sung which goblins from all over the mountains try to avoid.

See, I said it was a good story? Now, about those shiny rocks I had....