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Colton Hamshire

"The Cause of All Fear" by Colton Hamshire

SciFi/Fantasy text 7 out of 10 by Colton Hamshire.      ←Previous - Next→
 
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A man who tried to escape his past is confronted with the reality that he cannot run forever.
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←- Final Flight | Lost in a Bottle -→

The Cause of All Fear

Baine sat in the old temple, a lone silhouette against the dayís dying light that faded into the shadows of the large open doorway behind him. The empty pews around him were touched by the pale light of a few candles that were on the verge of reaching their end. Baine gazed ahead, his dark brown eyes fixed on nothing, his mind stuck in the past. The pain of a loss seized him as it always did when he visited this place. The temple reminded him of better times and of a life that seemed so long ago. Sometimes he would sit for hours, unmoving and reliving whatever moments that came to him, whether pleasant ones or not.

Baine soon left the temple and his memories behind for now. He crossed under its elaborate colonnaded façade and into the busy streets of the city. People of all walks of life bustled around an open market outside, mostly humans, but he spotted the lithe elves and stunted yet haughty dwarves among them. Baine ignored the people and headed northward to his home. He didnít walk like the rest of them; he couldnít walk like them. While their footsteps were careless and heavy with noise, his were as silent as a breeze and each movement bore a precise purpose. He used less energy to move. He breathed in sync with his movements with breaths so quiet that even death could not hear him coming. His eyes analyzed each person that came near. In a instant, and without thinking about it, Baine analyzed them enough to know whether they were right or left handed; how fast they could react; if they had lived a rough life or one of luxury.

A man caught Baineís attention across the street. He was clad in leather armor and walking adjacent to Baine. To any other he would have appeared as just another face in the crowd, but not to Baine. He studied the man out of the corner of his eye without turning his head. A foreboding feeling swept over Baine. Baine picked up his pace, moving through the crowd of people with ease, all the while keeping his watchful eye across the street. A small smirk spread across Baineís face when he noticed that the armored man quickened his pace as well.

Baine led the man out of the market and into a less crowded section of the city. He winded through the streets fast but didnít let his pursuer know that he knew of his presence. When the streets became dark and the moon shone overhead, Baine disappeared into the blackness of an alley and molded into the shadows. Just as Baine assumed, the armored man came into view at the end of the alleyway, but stood still.

Baine smiled in his hiding place. He had seen it before. When men came to darkness they all hesitated, stood fast and overwhelmed with uncertainty. It was here they were truly tested as men or cowards--or fools as Baine saw it. He knew the main one do one of three things, they all did: flee, draw a weapon, or stand frozen.

Those who fled would be called cowards and most would tell them they were afraid of the dark. Those who said they were afraid of the dark were fools themselves. Baine knew the truth. They werenít afraid of the dark, they were afraid of what lurks in the dark, afraid of what they donít know. As Baine saw it, nothing caused fear in men more than uncertainty.

Those who drew a weapon or stood frozen were the fools. No one should face what they donít know, let alone stand before it helplessly. Baine lived in the darkness and uncertainty was his home.

After a long minute of silent debating, the armored man drew a short sword and stepped cautiously into the alley. Baine drew a dagger from his hip without a sound. He let the oblivious armored man walk right past him, and then he struck without warning.

Baine slipped his dagger into the manís backside with a precise deathblow between a small opening in the armor and cupped the manís mouth with his freehand.

His victim tried to react, but before the man could lift his blade or even grunt in pain, the life drained from his body and he went limp. Baine lay the body on the cold street. He kneeled down and began to cut the armor from the manís torso with quick flicks from his dagger to inspect the manís bare chest. All the while he wished silently to see bare flesh, but just as he feared he saw a familiar tattoo under the moonlight etched in the flesh of his victim--a vicious reminder of the past.

"Theyíve found me," Baine whispered to himself. He sheathed his dagger and rose to his feet. "Itís not safe for me here any more."

Baine left the alleyway, but he knew it was only a matter of time before they found him again.

No place was safe.

←- Final Flight | Lost in a Bottle -→

DateNameComment 
26 Feb 2009:-) Selene Moonshadow Tsuki
I love it! I’m intrigued, will you write more?

:-) Colton Hamshire replies: "Baine’s tell is going to be a novel all to its own, but It will be a while before I write it since I have plans for others than build around and after his story."
26 Feb 2009:-) Selene Moonshadow Tsuki
*Siigh* Fiiine... 12
27 Feb 2009:-) L Beollain Boland
I really like this one, has a really good feel to it. Only things I noticed were some little grammatical errors and some rewording suggestions. (always and only suggestions, I’m no pro, just try to help 2 )
...
Baine soon left the temple and his memories behind for now. - sounds like a confusion of tense. I understand what your doing, I do it too to get the same effect, but having "soon left" and "for now" makes the sentence feel a little.. off to me. maybe "for the time being"? not sure. try it out.

analyzed them enough to know - not needed where you already said analyzed, so it makes the sentence structure a little awkward, not a lot, just a little. might be better with "..., Baine knew..." try it on and see if you like it

I was always told never to use ";" since it usually means that a "." will do. I’m not sure on it, so I just try to avoid it. But if you were to send this to an editor, you may want to see if you really need the ; or if it would be better with just a .

He winded - I think that should be wound. as in "He wound his way"

He knew the main one do one of three things - not sure what way you’re trying to word this one.. maybe "He knew that most would do..." that’s the way it’s reading to me.

overall, really good, just a few little hiccups, mostly things to be picked up after a draft or two or six (yeah, six, we all know it happens). 2 keep goin dude!
28 Feb 2009:-) Elizabeth S Hanninen
It looks like Beollain picked up on most of the edits I saw as well. There aren’t too many, but it’s something to work on as you continue writing. Don’t stress about it here though; people find mistakes I made after I read through something eight times, and I minored in English. It’s hard to catch everything in your own work because you ’know’ what you mean to say and even if it’s wrong it seems to read right.

Very well written scene.

You did a great job describing your character’s walk through the crowded city streets. You took the opportunity to make a dull activity into a way to elaborate on your assassin’s way of thinking and moving... Great Job.

:-) Colton Hamshire replies: "Thanks for reading. I tried to reply to Beollain’s comment many times but for some reason I can’t. Kind of bugs me. I hope you get to read more of my scenes!"
1 Mar 2009:-) Elizabeth S Hanninen
I read my friends’ writing all the time and offer review. Some of them write really long pieces. I’m liking these shorter works, it’s a bit of a break from the seventy page whoppers I’ve been critiquing lately. Just keep posting and I’ll eventually get around to reading.

I’ll give you a heads up when I post that script I’ve been working on. It may be something you’d like. The format might take a little getting used to if you haven’t read many scripts.

That is if the moderators around here don’t panic when the see something that isn’t fully left aligned in the HTML format of their strict preference. It took me several times to post my other works because there was always something they wanted me to change with the fonts or images.

:-) Colton Hamshire replies: "Hey I’m interested in the script for sure. I’m writing a Screenplay with a friend of mine, a far cry from fantasy though. However, I am use to the script format and would love to read it!"
1 Mar 2009:-) Anna May Roberts
My favorite!!!! The writing, the plot- it’s amazing! I love the way that at first, you think that Baines a tragic old man with a tragic past, then you think that he’s an assassin, then you think that he’s the pursued.

:-) Colton Hamshire replies: "Thanks for reading! I’m glad you liked this scene. it’s one of my personal favorites as well. Baine’s character is complex. I am going to make his story into a novel all of its own."
2 Mar 2009:-) Elizabeth S Hanninen
What type of screenplay are you and your friend working on?

I’m only working part of my story out as a script. Sort of an exploration into different styles of writing. I like playing with different writing forms. It keeps me interested, with various ’chapters’ written in different styles. Probably a strange way of going about it, but I figure if I rough most of it out in one form or another I can always go back and rework everything. Getting it down is the main endeavor.

:-) Colton Hamshire replies: "It’s a movie about kids in their senior year in highschool and all the events that happen to them during that school year. It is fun to write it. The screenplay is a comedy."
5 Mar 2009:-) Mariposa Gollery
Sorry I didn’t get to reading this for a while.
Try capitalizing death in "so quiet that even death could not hear him." It’ll make it seem like Death is a kind of person figure that can be snuck up on. It could add a nice touch.
Also, maybe try saying Baine less. I may use pronouns too much, but I like them!

:-) Colton Hamshire replies: "Thanks for the insight. I’ll keep this in mind whenever I do some revisions."
13 Mar 2009:-) Lola Lillie Brinthal
Thnx for inviting me back a compelling fid bit there although in the beggining i have a feeling you wore out his name

:-) Colton Hamshire replies: "Yeah, as soon as I get the chance to edit this piece I will make sure to cut some of the times I used his name."
13 Mar 2009:-) Rebecca Kathryn Lane
I absolutely love the imagery in here, especially at the beginning. Also love the tension you create in the alleyway. Actually, not so much tension as...malevolence on Baine’s part. >2

:-) Colton Hamshire replies: "I know this piece is nothing more than a small excerpt in a much larger story about Baine, but Baine’s character is hard to grasp completely because he is so complex, and I cannot put everything about him in such a small piece."
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'The Cause of All Fear':
 • Created by: :-) Colton Hamshire
 • Copyright: ©Colton Hamshire. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Battle, Death, Dwarves, Emotion, Fight
 • Categories: Fights, Duels, Battles, Vampires, Zombies, Undeads, Dark, Gothic, Warrior, Fighter, Mercenary, Knights, Paladins
 • Views: 877

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