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Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia

"Cycle of Balance - Chapter 1" by Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia

SF&F Picture 1 out of 8 by Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia
 
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This is the first chapter of my new story thing. It continues from the prologue. I'm still taking in any suggestions for names and any comments about the story would be nice too!
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Chapter 1


        The landscape glowed bright under the morning sun with the surface brimming with new life. Spring dew drifted across the plains past clear rivers of lively fish and nearby grasslands of fully-bloomed flowers. Birds sang as they fluttered freely, somersaulting in the air with freedom and delight. A small community of monkeys celebrated the coming of spring as well. But none could be more grateful than the small town of Lushwood.


        Crops burst forth from the fertile land with renewed energy, awakening from their winter slumber. Children ran outside tumbling in the dust, eager to stretch their legs. And most of all, everyone was looking forward to the Spring Festivals one week away commemorating the coming of spring. But more importantly everybody was looking forward to the Frumple Olympics, where there are all sorts of activities and contests for Frumples.


        No one knew where they came from, and no one wondered. The Frumples were just something that has always been there, since the beginning of mankind, helping humans in their labour and giving attention to them as well. They weren’t labour animals too; they were friends, partners and pets. But that did not mean the inhabitants took them for granted. They thanked the seasons for this gift every year and always helped the Frumples in return. One could not live without the other.


        Frumples were a mix of both pigs and cats. Able to grow to the size of about an ox, they were strong, fast, and intelligent. Although they’re all born the size of a rabbit. Sinewy muscles structured around fortified bones enabled them to run faster than local antelopes and jump higher than any cat. They were also friendly, with a cheery face, and big round eyes. Even though they weren’t predators, more nature’s gift to humans, they had a keen sense of sight, smell, taste, and touch. Only the hearing was not as honed, but it was definitely better than humans. The only advantage humans had over them was a slightly higher intelligence and opposable thumbs.


        Frumples were very adaptable as well. Able to grow long lengths of fur in the winter and shedding for use in blankets in spring. The physical appearance may change in a short period of time. In one month, a Frumple may have developed a different jaw structure, but always hovering around the same design as a cat. Or in other words, they evolved fast. The personality and appearance also depended on how they were treated. If one was used to guard things, they would grow to be massive, fast, and strong with large fangs and better senses. If treated like a cute house-pet, then they might not grow and have better sense for the feelings of others, therefore being more affectionate.


        At a younger age, many children in the town were partnered with a Frumple every spring, for that was the season of life, when most animals were welcomed into the world.


        “Morning Twi!” a young blonde came dawdling over to sit down on a fence beside a boy of a similar age and appearance.


        “Hey sis’.”


        “Happy Birthday! Ma’s already up getting a special surprise for y-oops,” the young girl replied back, blushing with embarrassment at her mistake, “I wasn’t supposed to tell you. But you won’t tell Ma or Da will you? I mean Ma’s busy and Da’s not up yet so-”


        “Dun’ worry Dawn, I won’t tell, I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear a thing,” the boy chuckled.


        “Thanks Twi…don’t you wanna know what the special surprise is?” Dawn asked.


        “What special surprise? What are you talking about?”


        “Oh, right…I forgot again! Silly me, anyway bye! I’ll be needed back now to help Ma make a cake for your birthday. Oh and don’t be late for breakfast, you know how Ma gets when your late.”


        “Right, I’ll just wander around the neighbourhood then,” Twi’ watched as his sister ran back towards a nearby wooden hut. Then he got up with a heave and went down the road to the town center. There was always something good going on there he could watch.


        “Hey you, STOP!” A taller boy with short brown hair and a semi-pointed nose sprinted from behind him and tackled him straight on, knocking him flat on his chest. Two other boys jogged up behind. One was a mirror image of the first boy and the other had a squat stature and had simple, straight black hair and a more rounded nose. “Mifto Twilight, you are hereby arrested for an unwanted passing-without-saying-good-morning action!”


        “Right!” the other two said in unison.


        “I mean you passed right by me, staring into the blue like a zombie, AND ignoring me when I greeted you. I mean, it may be your eleventh-”


        “-Twelfth”


        “Tch! –Twelfth birthday and you may have a bit more privileges than normal but that ain’t no way to treat a friend.”


        “Ya!” as the other two watched, suppressing laughter, at the comic scene of tussling on the ground, throwing up dirt and dust everywhere.


        “Alright I give I give, now geroff Billy,” Twilight said and pushed Billy away, “Boy, you’re a real mess. You got some mud on your left cheek by the way.”


        “You’re one to talk, ha! Your clothes are all smokey-like, chalked by the very dust that’n you kicked up.”


        “That’s right, wait till your poor ol’ mum sees you like this, coming to breakfast late and all tattered up, an’ it’s your b-day too,” Bobby, Billy’s twin added.


        “I never get dirty before breakfast,” voiced the squat kid.


        “Now you are Ket,” Billy answered with a light shove, which sent Ket sprawling away.


        “And stop being such a stuck-up,” said Bobby.


        “K lay off him, he’s had enough.”


        “And I already had breakfast too, so there’s no point in getting me dirty too,” called Ket a good distance away.


        “There’s always lunch you know,” Billy called back.


        “Wait…what did you mean by me being late?”


        “Well, ya got thirty seconds left and it’s a 3 minute run to get there.”


        “Aw…well better get going bye!”


        “Late again! How is it that no matter how many times I tell that boy to come home early he never listens?”


        “Dunno dear.”


        “And how is it that he always manages to get dirty no matter how hard I try to keep him clean?”


        “Maybe because he’s closer to the ground dear.”


        “And why don’t you help me to teach him manners?”


        “Uh-” The door swung open with a resounding smash and Twilight stumbled through.


        “Um…sorry mum,” Twilight said before anyone could say anything.


        “Now sit down there young man and eat your breakfast before it gets cold.”


        “Yes mum,” he replied.


        “Ma? When are you going to be showing him the present? He getting awful impatient he is-oops, done it again didn’t I?” inquired Dawn.


        “Huh? Is it a Frumple? Is it? Wow finally, to have a Frumple! All my friends have got one and they’re entering them all in the festival next week. If Ket and his Frumple Kat win the Frumple show again, I’m gonna-”


        “Yes it’s a Frumple now sit down and-”


        “Oh well mum I’m not hungry anyway can I go see him? Please?”


        “Ya mum, please! I wanna see him too! He’s so cute! And he’s only a few months old anyway.”


        “All right kids go outside in the backyard; he’s over there chasing a dragonfly I think.” Ma quickly stepped out of the way as the two children raced outside whooping with delight.


        “Hey, there’s nothing here,” started Twilight.


        “Squeak!” There came a noise from off to the side as a small fur ball came shooting from nowhere, landing on Twilight’s face, bawling him down with the force, “squeak squeak squeaky squeak squeakish! Snort!”


        “Aw isn’t he a cute little thing?” came a reply from behind the fur ball.


        Twilight pushed the squeaking fur ball away and slowly got up with a grunt to look at his new partner Frumple. The Frumple had big, round cat eyes and a roundish, pink nose with long, clipped fur down to his stubby pig-like tail. The sun gave him a brown color, with some added black spots. His droopy ears gave a little waggle as Twilight looking him up and down.


        “You’re a small little guy aren’t ya, ya wee little piggy cat? But then again, you ain’t much older than a few months,” concluded Twilight with a slight smirk, “gotta give you a haircut and a bath too. Too much hair and you smell a weird stench you do too! Hmm, an’ a little fattening up won’t do badly either. I should enter you in the festival next week too so I’m gonna needda train you up a bit. Yup you’ll do nice.” With that the Frumple automatically drooped a bit, lowering his fur to give a sleek look then rushed off and catapulted in the nearby pond. He then swam back on shore, waggled his tail, and plodded over to a pack of flowers. He then took a whiff of them, seemed to consider the outcome, and rolled over on to them, doing the same over and over until the flowers were trampled. Shambling back, after first looking proud then seeing the bemused look on his new partner’s face, settled down and draped his ears over his face and remained still, emitting a soft whining.


        The Frumple was now almost the same except seemed to now have shining, short, sleek hair, emitting a sweet fragrance of flowers. “Squeak?”


        “Hmm, lets see…you got rid of 1 hour of hair-cutting, 1 hour of washing, and 2 hours of grooming while also adding an extra 30 minutes of gardening…not a bad trade-off. You’re a pretty talented little Frumple.” With that the pig-cat got up, squeaked a quick thanks, and jumped on Twilight again. By now Dawn had already gone back inside to finish breakfast.


        “Well, we got a lot of work to do if we’re gonna win some prizes at the festival so lets get goin’ shall we?”


        “Squeak”


        “You know wut?”


        “Squeak?”


        “I think I’m gonna name you Dusk. Welcome to the family Dusk!”


        “Squeak!” And the new duo hoofed off with Twilight telling Dusk about the many contests in the festival and Dusk commenting with little squeaks of approval.


←- How to Properly Terrorize Innocent Villagers | Cycle of Balance - Chapter 2 -→

DateNameComment 
1 Jun 2005:-) Alice Muffin Girl Smith
~ the draw-out description of the Gwuntays at the beginning: is that really the best place for such a description? They certainly sound like really cool critters, and I didn't mind reading it like some descriptions... but really, when you go to read a new story, is a draw-out descriptive paragraph that puts the progress of the story on pause really something that's going to draw you into the tale? That information all sounds like its going to be vital to the story--so why not just work it in, bit by bit, as it actually comes up? It's that whole "don't tell: show" thing.
~ in the conversation between the birthday boy and his friend, it's a bit hard to follow who the speaker is, in my opinion most humble--your readers don't really know either names or personalities yet, plus there're a lot of potential speakers... so maybe you'd want to drop a few more names during that bit? Those kids were cute, though. Love the tackle-greeting, and the two boys speaking in chorus. ^_~
~ the conversation between mom and pop were you don't name the speakers... now that works. ^_^

Cute. Amazingly so. Not much else to say at this point, right? ^_^

1 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Yay! My very first comment! I'm so happy! Anyway, thx for the tips and I really appreciate it. I'll get on it as soon as I can right after I finish chapter 2...if I remember that is...cuz I kinda forget to get back to stuff and edit it after I'm done...but thx anyway! Happy day! I'm finally on Elfwood! WOOHOO!"
15 Jun 2005:-) Jessica Warner
Hee hee hee! This is great! You're really good at dialogue, I think I've got a good impression of the characters already! I loved all the character interactions, and I really want a Fwumple!!!

13 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Thx for the comment. Yes, I would probably like a Fwumple too but now it's called a Frumple due to the fact that my friend said it was too "who's-a-good-likkle-piggy-cat?" cute sort of name. Oh well."
16 Jun 2005:-) Jessica Warner
Eh, Frumple's good as well!

7 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Hehehe thx! But I'm considering changing the name back to Fwumple."
26 Jun 2005:-) Julia Anna Rill
wow, thats a change considering the prologue... but i like it. got me even more interesting. and if you still have problems with finding names, then email me or contact me or whatever 10 i always had the same problem and it annoyed me so much, that i started writing down names whenever i could think of any and so far i got 3 little books full of names: serious names, complicated names with ' and ° and ^ and so on and of course the funny names. so, be welcome to write to me and we will see, if we can find a name in my collection that fits...

17 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Yes, names really bug me too. Ok, so, I need a good name for a happy-go-lucky rogue elf who has a hidden past. But the name HAS to start with a "T" please (for the sake of the plot). I might change the name a bit after to fit the story more though. Hope you don't mind. And thx for helping me with names! *gives you a special edition "helper" award*"
8 Jul 2005:-) Jess Hyslop
Yes, this was definitely very differnt to the prologue - wonder how it all fits together? This was very sweet and happy... Why do I get the feeling you're lulling us into a false sense of security? Heh, I'm probably wrong... I have to admit, when I first read the word 'Fwumple'... *sucks in air* It was a bit too... too... Well, it was fine but it was a little bit too cutesy. I also agree with the muffin girl when she says you don't need the whole desription of them in one place. Neat idea, though, and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter!

14 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "I was kinda experimenting with stopping the story for a description of Frumples because I've never done that before so...ya. And it shouldn't say Fwumple anymore, it should say Frumple, so where did u read Fwumple? Does it still say Fwumple? If it does, I have to change that then. I just couldn't resist the "w" hehehe. As to the rest of the comment, I shall say nothing to reveal anything! But I CAN say this...you shall see! Anyway, thanks again for the comment."
20 Jul 200545 Monsa Xi
WOW...

You may think that I have no other words in my vocabulary...

12 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Hmm, well I know you know the words read, book, novel, book, textbook, book, annoy, book, book, book, dictionary, book, story, book, grammer, book, and of course, wow. Those are the words that stick out the most, no offense intended. 10"
17 Aug 2005:-) Brie TheCheeseGirl O´Reilly
hello there, just stopping by to read chapter one. I noticed a few things though.

"Birds sang as they fluttered freely, somersaulting in the air with freedom and delight."
~freely and freedom in the same sentence is a bit redundant

"And most of all, everyone was looking forward to the Spring Festivals one week away commemorating the coming of spring."
~if they're Spring Festivals it's most likely they're going to commemorate the coming of spring. Perhaps change it to the coming of the new season?

"One was a mirror image of the first boy and the other had a squat stature and had simple, straight black hair and a more rounded nose."
~you don't really need all those ands in there at least i don't think you need them all, although i'm not a grammer genius.
->"One was a mirror image of the first boy and the other had a squat stature, simple, straight black hair, and a more rounded nose."

“squeak squeak squeaky squeak squeakish! Snort!”
~OH MY! I want one!

Ok, one last thing. You call him Mifto Twilight, but everyone refers to him by last name only. Unless i somehow misunderstood. Very well done! The descriptions are beautiful and the dialogue is very convincing considering the age of the characters.

*miss sassypants*

1 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Thank you."
5 Sep 2005:-) James 'Jimbo Fett ' Inwood
That was.....very sugary...please for the love of all things loveable..(flesh tearing beasts) don't call the Frumples Fwumples...please! Anyway..to the story.

These are my suggestions, you don't have to follow them, in fact, since Muffin didn't mention them I'd take everything I say with a BIG pinch of salt.

[[They thanked the seasons for this gift every year and always helped the Frumples in return. *-* One could not live without the other.]] Ditch the full stop/period (damn crazy yanks) and add a dash, I'm not fond of fragmented sentances.

Do the same for the following...
[[[a Frumple may have developed a different jaw structure, but always hovering around the same design as a cat.*-* Or in other words, they evolved fast.]]]

[[[His droopy ears gave a little waggle as Twilight looking him up and down.]]]

Looking should be looked. TYPO ALERT!!!!

[[[Too much hair and you smell a weird stench you do too!]]]

Trying to say too much here boyo, ram a comma after "hair" and lose the stench, you've already mentioned it smells so that makes it redundant.

All in all, good stuff, I just *know* somthing bad is going to happen, listen to what Muffin said about the introduction , and I commend you on writing such a good dialogue. Great job!

14 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Heh"
28 Jun 200645 Sarah
I think it's rather good that you put the description first, because it kind of makes the rest of the story seem easier to read. But then again, it might be better to devide it through the story, a little bit at the beginning, some when people are talking along the story. But i really do like it how it is now. Yay!!! another young person! *sigh* i'm 13 too...and its really funny when you go around looking at other people's stuff and they're like...so much older than you!
Keep writing,i dunno if it is where you are but here, the source of slow story writing "due to inconvenient circumstances." is finally done. lol.
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About 'Cycle of Balance - Chapter 1':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia
 • Copyright: ©Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Balance, Nature, Cycle, Twilight, Dawn, Dusk, Gwuntay
 • Categories: Angels, Religious, Spiritual, Holy, Demons, Imps, Devils, Beholders..., Dragons, Drakes, Wyverns, etc, Elf / Elves, Fights, Duels, Battles, Ghosts, Ghouls, Aparitions, Lycanthrope, Were-folk, etc, Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Mythical Creatures & Assorted Monsters, Orc, Goblins, Trolls, Trollocs..., Romance, Emotion, Love, Urban Fantasy and/or Cyberpunk, Vampires, Zombies, Undeads, Dark, Gothic, Warrior, Fighter, Mercenary, Knights, Paladins, Wizards, Priests, Druids, Sorcerers..., Dwarf, Dwarves
 • Views: 224


More by 'Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia':
Cycle of Balance - Chapter 3
How to Properly Terrorize Innocent Villagers
Cycle of Balance - Prologue
Cycle of Balance - Chapter 2
Golden Promise
Cycle of Balance - Chapter 4
Battles Gone, Lives Reborn

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