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Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia

"Cycle of Balance - Chapter 2" by Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia

SF&F Picture 2 out of 8 by Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia
 
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Hurray! I'm done chapter two of my story! I still need a name for it. In this chapter things start to unfold...LOL
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Chapter 2

        The pale morning clouds drifted lazily through the clear, blue sky as Twilight watched them from below. It was the day of the Spring Festival and everyone was in the town center, rejoicing at the official coming of spring at last. He didn’t quite feel in the mood of joining in the fun. Twilight rotated his head downward, turning to his Frumple partner with an expression of boredom.
        “What d’you feel like doing Dusk? I don’t really feel going to the town center. All they doing down there is playing those same old games they do every year like scavenger hunts and such.”
        “Rowr!” The no longer small Frumple replied with a tone alike to his partner.

        The Frumple had changed a great deal over the course of a week. He was now the size close to that of the local cougars. Large, sinewy muscles lined his lean body frame and flexed as Dusk got up and stretched his legs, showing a flexibility of that of youth. His ears no longer resembled the droopy pig-like ears from before, but more on the side of a cat, triangle shape angling back, out of the way as he brought his hind legs forward to scratch the sleek, dark-brown beside his neck. His black-brown fur shone with health as he tilted his head towards some nearby fields.

        “Sure, lets do some last minute training to get warmed up,” answered Twilight.
        The panther-like Frumple strode out onto the field while the boy ripped into his hut and came back out carrying in his arms a bunch of wooden poles. He then placed each pole in a line and rushed back in the hut. A while or so passed and Twilight came back out in a thick suit of straw and feathers.
        “Alright Dusk, let’s see what you’re made of!” announced Twilight, positioning himself at the end of the line of wooden poles.
        From the other end of the line of poles stood Dusk poised in an aggressive position. The ears drawn back, bared teeth, and a tensed figure with paws extending forward would have intimidated anyone but Twilight. The claws were however, sheathed, as to the fact that this was only a practice.
        With snarl, Dusk lunged forward, weaving through the poles with a grace smoother than that of a deer.
        “Dodge and weave Dusk, dodge and weave!”
        With an acknowledging grunt, the panther-pig ducked under a protruding arm from a pole. Finally coming to the end of the poles, he spotted Twilight ahead, holding a Bo-staff himself, which was much like a pole except it was much thinner, obviously made for combat but only for practices such as these.
        “Alright, lets see what you got,” Twilight breathed through his mask.
        “Roar!” replied Dusk as he leaped at Twilight’s midsection. Just making contact, Twilight deftly rolled over onto his back while kicking out with his legs, all the while using his staff to keep the arms of his training partner pinned to the body. As the Frumple flew off, Twilight used his momentum to flip back onto his feet again. Slightly disgruntled, Dusk got back on his feet again skidding to a stop, tail swishing back and forth behind him.
        The boy smirked. “You don’ think you gonna beat me that easily do you? I’ve been training too you know. Of course that’s to be expected because we’re both supposed to participate together in all of the games.” Twilight could have sworn his partner smiled at this too.
        “Merrow!” Dusk responded.
        “I might even beat you this time,” Twilight continued, “Even though you have the advantage of evolution.
        Dusk snorted one of disbelief. “Grrrrar!”
        This time it was the human who charged. Hissing with surprise, the Frumple slid out of the way, swatting the pole out of a startled Twilight’s grasp. Shouldering the other in the stomach, Dusk quickly placed two paws on his partner’s chest and using most of his weight, pushed him down in a friendly manner.
        “You win this time Dusk but the same trick won’t work twice on me, now get off me already. You weigh as much as an elephant!” With a purr, the Frumple got off, quietly licking his arm, beside Twilight.
The sound of the town bell resounded all the way to their ears.
        “The Frumple Olympics are starting better hurry.” Jumping onto his partners back, Twilight gripped Dusk’s fur as he tore off across the golden meadows making his way to the town center.

        “Frumple Olympic participants please meet with the chief inside the town hall!”
        Darting through the crowds, the duo quickly caught up with the rest of the participants and finally made it to the town hall where already many have gathered, talking excitedly amongst each other. Taking a spot near the front, Twilight got off his mount listening to some of the conversations taking place.

        “Hey, did you hear? Instead of having many parts and activities held separately, I heard they combined them all into one.”
        “No! I heard they made a new category altogether and got rid of the rest!”
        “My brother told me that this year is going to be the most dangerous year ever because of something out of the town’s control.”
        “But there ain’t nothin’ that our chief can’t handle.”
        “Yes, Lushwood is one of the biggest and most important towns the humans have. It provides a good deal of the Frumples used around the human territory.”
        “But what about the king?”
        “King Thafius? He’s a wise and peaceful king though. He couldn’t have anything to do with this.”
        “Oh no? He recently died so his son Prince Argen rules the throne now.”
        “I always liked him though; he’s a bright young boy, skilled with the sword and talented with words.”
        “But he’s not experienced, especially in war since the daemons from the West have grown in numbers and now threaten humans and dwarves alike. The Eastern elves have not acted yet but the dwarves from the North are already waging war across land and sea.”
        “What has the Prince done?”
        “So far he’s done well. He’s been recruiting troops and fortifying all the areas in our western borderland. Too bad there aren’t any other lands to escape to.”
        “Maybe this has to do with the war?”

        A dong crashed as a club was beat against it, the sound emanating throughout the room as the chief strode atop a raised platform in the center of the round, stone room. All conversations were stopped and eyes were all fixed on the important figure now standing in the center.
        The man standing in front of the crowd was dressed in an old, village fashion. It was fairly simple. Clipped Frumple fur lined the collar wrapped around his thick neck which turned to leather as it proceeded down towards his plump belly, almost showing beneath the vest. More brown leather covered his legs with bare feet protruding from his pants. The man, usually seen cheerfully playing with the young Frumples and kids in the village, was a sign of joy and hospitality almost shining with a bright aura of warmth. One could never imagine him even close to anything apart from happy. Yet here he was, his face wrinkled with age and dark bags under his eyes. All warmth seemed gone from his existence. His back had a slight slump and his shoulders sagged as if barely being able to hold the weight placed on top of him. There was no twinkle in his eyes. Nobody has ever seen him like this.

        The chief raised his arms as if about to say something then dropped them almost immediately. His weary eyes scanned the crowd, almost searching for a safe haven amongst them. Then he began to talk.
        “Fellow people of Lushwood,” he croaked, “I bring grave news today. It seems that the days of times long past have caught up with us.”
        “Centuries ago, as you might know, humans were created by the elements to bring balance to the world after the mighty clash of the ancient civilizations. One of the civilizations fell. Another was horribly transformed. In that war, the giants were destroyed. In that war…” the chief shuddered, but continued, “In that war, the daemons were formed. The race used to be honorable and peaceful, but the war left them much scared and changed. Since they never fought back, even to defend their homeland, they were trampled beneath the feet of the other races. Left for dead, they had to…evolve, to survive. They had to change. With their land burned, and ravaged there was no nourishment. There was nothing to live on. No food. No water. No life! Other than them that is, but they were as damaged as the land and they were only half alive. Their souls in a place between life and death…forever trapped. They had no mind, no soul, they had nothing. So they turned on each other. Eventually they had changed enough so that they needed nothing. Their bodies were so horribly changed!” he screamed. The whole room was quiet. Only the random shuffling of feet and paws showed that the audience was still there. The chief began again with a whisper, “But by then only the most mindless, strongest were left. But the balance was gone and so the humans were to take the giant’s place as a race. Treating the new race a little brother, the elves and dwarves fed us humans much of their lore, culture, knowledge until their was a relative balance again. Then they left us to create our own future.
        But now the daemons have grown too much in numbers, to far in power to be contained. They now thirst for blood. I hear the western cities can hear their howling in the dark nights, asking for more blood, power anything. They’ve started attacking each other, but more importantly, they’ve started expanding, attacking and destroying everything in their path. Already many western areas have been burned by their hellish fires and the humans cannot stop them at the moment so we need more troops. I know that this is a hard choice but we must now take place in this war. If they’re not stopped, the beautiful woods nearby, also called Lushwood, will no longer exist. So I have signed our town for drafting. Of course at this moment, we are not so desperate as to force you to go. So this is totally your choice.”
        “But what does this have to do with the Frumple Olympics?” piped a particularly young small boy, maybe about the age of 10.
        “Ah, the Frumple Olympics, I’ll miss them,” the chief almost said to himself. “They have been changed. Or rather, replaced. It is now a test. Those of you who volunteer to join the army of the Prince Argen shall be first, tested. That was my decision. I do not want to lead any one of you to something you are not ready for. Of course I cannot totally prepare you for this but this is the best I can do for now. The test is mostly survival. You shall be transported to a jungle on the eastern side of the human borders. You will be under strict surveillance although you shall not see who is watching you. There are many dangerous creatures in the jungles that you are being transported to. Your will, strength and skill might even be put to its limits in this test and let me warn you that this test is also highly dangerous. You won’t die though, for I made Prince Argen promise that those who do not pass shall be transported immediately back here. Those who pass shall be brought to a training camp to determine which combat class you shall be put in and to, of course, train you.”
        “What is the training camp like,” another, much older, individual asked.
        “I do not know in any way what will happen after you are transported to the training camp. I do not even know the form of transportation. I’m sorry. And also,” He turned back to the face the main crowd of people in the room, “The transportation to the test area shall be in the morning so you have one day to decide if you are to go or not. You will not need to bring any belongings. You are allowed to bring your Frumple. In fact, I advise you do so. And if you go…you might not see your family again.” He concluded sadly. “That is all.”
        The man slowly walked out of the town hall, most likely heading for his cabin.

        There was no sound in the stone room at all. Nothing. Everyone just kept looking center of room, expecting the chief to come back in and say that this was all some merry joke that he had concocted to start the Frumple Olympics, but nothing happened.
        The first sound that was made was when a female all of the sudden just collapsed on the floor only a few feet from him. The whole place was suddenly a jumble of commotion. Some were crying, some were just standing there, some were hurriedly talking, some were having tantrums, some were looking around bemused and others were unconscious.
        “How could this happen? NOTHING in Lushwood history has ever happened that’s anything like this!”
        “This is preposterous. How could they just send us to war like this?”
        “I don’t wanna go!”
        “I want to go but my Frumple just had a new set of Frumpies (word for baby Frumple) and I need to take care of them.”
        “I am soooooo going!”
        “Don’t go! What if you DIE!?!?!?!?”
        “Anybody know if any girls are going?”
        “I’m mostly worried about the test.”
        “I’ll go if you go…”
        “This is serious! It’s not just a joke!”
        Twilight listened to all the other people talking about it and wondered if he should go, leaving everything he’d ever known behind. A soft whining came from nearby. Twilight looked down and saw Dusk pawing at his shirt, a worried look in his eyes. Twilight almost forgot Dusk was even there. He kneeled down and gently patted Dusk on the head.
        “It’s fine Dusk. We’ll be alright, got it?”
        Dusk nodded and signaled that Twilight get on his back.
        “You’re right Dusk. We should go tell mom, dad, and Dawn about this. I hope nothing bad is going to happen to the family though Dusk. I couldn’t bear it if anybody got hurt.
        And with that, Dusk padded outside, to the light of the spring sun.

←- Cycle of Balance - Chapter 1 | Cycle of Balance - Chapter 3 -→

DateNameComment 
25 Jun 2005:-) Jessica Warner
I'm afraid I don't know what happens when you delete a ticket, because I've never been brave enough to do so. 1 I'd guess the block comes off, maybe it says in all the really long "Rules" pages.

Yeah I'll keep checking back for updates, that'd be cool. *Adds you to "favorites"*

1 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Yay! I'm in favourites! Hurra! By the way I've never been brave enough to do so either so you're not alone. 1"
25 Jun 2005:-) Jessica Warner
Whoa that was the longest comment I've ever written!!!

Um, sorry.

*leaves*

2 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "It is perfectly fine to post a long comment because as you can see above, mine is pretty long too. Anyway, if you post a long comment, it looks like I have more comments, therefore attracting more people to read stuff assuming that my stuff if actually not a a total piece of garbage!"
25 Jun 2005:-) Jessica Warner
Ah, here's comes the plot! Yay! Sounds like a good solid idea for a stroy, and the frumple tests sound really interesting!

Speaking of Frumples, I love the little sounds Dusk comes out with. He's got character, I like the way he flattened Twilight then moved off "calmly licking his arm", the image I got of that was really funny!

It's quite a good idea to have the background of your world talked about by a crowd, it's more interesting than just saying it. However I sort of got the feeling they were all saying things that all of them already knew, which made it sound a little bit unnatural. I think if you had adults explaining to kids, or villagers explaining to visitors who had come for the olympics, or something, it'd sort that out. But conversation is a great idea for getting the background across!

I liked this, you've got some good descriptions in there. All that remains for me to do is point out two teeny typos (which always makes me feel like a hypocrite)

"I don't really feel going to the town center" Missed out "like"?

"Slight disgruntled" Slightly?

More please!

9 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Thx for the comment (why do I always start off with that phrase?) I have fixed the first mistake and the second I fixed right after I put it in the ticket queue but couldn't replace it with the new more edited version because of the ticket! GRR! By the way, if you delete a ticket, does the ticket block come off? Cuz I was afraid it didn't and then I would have to wait a longer time. Anyway, I'm also done chapter 3 now, which is very short (I got lazy again) and Battles gone has been changed and edited a bit too so you might wanna come back and read it once I get the new stuff on. O boy, my comment is getting pretty long too isn't it? Anyway, my stuff is always changing a bit as to the fact that I always find a new mistake (how do I make all those mistakes?) and get new ideas so if u want, u can come back (your comments r great) and skim through because I might add something that has a big impact on the plot (u might not know it). No! Such a long comment! I shall stop now."
26 Jun 2005:-) Julia Anna Rill
really really cool! you need to hurry to put up the next chapter, i am really caught in the story.

but there are a few things i would like to add. the first is in your sentence: "The first sound that was made was when a female all of the sudden just collapsed on the floor only a few feet from him" who is him? i know, you meant twilight, but you should write his name to it, for the last time he spoke or was even mentioned was a while ago.
the next thin is, that you should write more about his feelings and thoughts. i don't know if you do this on purpose to keep him more mysterious, but feelings and thoughts are coming a little bit too short in your first chapters, in my opinion.
ok, the last thing is, didn't twi just become only 12? or did i miss something? are 12 year old children allowed to go to war?

i know, a lot of things written, now it looks like you got even more comments and more and more people will come reading your stuff 10
i like the way you write. tell me when your next chapter is up, ok?

:-) Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Thx for the comment! Um...yes I might have to change the female collapsing thing. Oh and by the way, Twilight is 12 but he's not going to war. If he passes the test, he'll go to a training thingy. I don't wanna reveal everything before the chapter comes out but the training thing will have 2 parts. One is, schooling. He will be taught as usual except it will focus more around military strategies and stuff. Then comes the second part which is physical training. I think I'm going to make the schooling 1 1/2 years long and the physical training 2 1/2 years long so when everything's done, he'll be 16. And that's not too bad because back then (as in like medieval times) you were considered an adult when u were like 12 or 13 I think? And they didn't have as long life spans (or whatever it called) because they don't have the modern medicine like today.Hmm, the feelings and emotions huh? Well, I tried to include them (and sometimes I did), except they're in the form of symbolism and stuff. Anything not obvious and subtle that a casual reader might not pick up right away. of course, it's my first time trying to do this so I'm not the best at it yet but I'm trying (don't laugh at my petty efforts plz). Lol. Anyway, thx again for the comment."
3 Jul 2005:-) Cheyenne Kai
"All they doing down there is...” ‘they’ should be ‘their’
“Taking s pot near the front” ‘s pot’ – ‘his spot’
Is it ‘Frumple’ or ‘Fwumple’? I prefer Fwumple. It sounds cuter!
Write ages in their word form.
It sounds like a pretty serious event, so wouldn’t the chief have called everyone to hear this news? What I’m saying is that shouldn’t Twilight’s mum and dad also know about what is happening with the daemons before he told them?

Tell me when you update!

12 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "I meant for Twilight to say "they". I usually like to use bad grammer when it comes to dialogue. Hehe. That way it doesn't sound so boring. Also, as you can probably see, the town is a very peaceful town that doesn't worry very much about the outside world, in fact, the chief tries to hide it from them. It spares them some of the horrors of the outside world u know? Thx for the comment! Bye!"
8 Jul 2005:-) Jess Hyslop
Hah, I was right! I was right! Sly... Um, yeah. Comment. I agree with Jessica above about the background being given through dialogue - it was more intersting than just, well, writing it, but it was also quite obvious what you were doing. The way that one of them didn't seem to know the king had died seemed a little unbelievable too. But with a little tweaking I think you could get that bit sorted and very effective.

I think it sounds fine that a 12 year old could go to training, especially considering the kind of era you've set your story in.

The bit that I felt most uncomfortable about here was when the chief was explaining all about the war. The way he just kinda... reeled it off. Although you did do a good job in describing the changes in his voice etc. Now that I've said that though, I can't really think of how you could do it otherwise... er... maybe if you have a read through you'd have some ideas.

All in all, a good chapter!

:-) Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Yes, you were right, or were you? *climatic music* Dun dun dun dun! Anyway, ya i should fix that, once I get less lazy-like. I just feel too lazy at the moment."
20 Jul 200545 Monsa Xi
I think you can guess my comment...

11 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Wow?"
1 Sep 2005:-) Brie TheCheeseGirl O´Reilly
Yay for long comments? anyhoo, here's a short one to go with it.

*miss sassypants*

3 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Thx"
1 Sep 2005:-) Brie TheCheeseGirl O´Reilly
hi hi! i apologize, i've asked you to visit my page several times, but find that i'm shirking my duties when it comes to reading yours. i sorry. moving on, i found a few typos, but no worries your writing is swell!

"All they doing down there is playing those same old games they do every year like scavenger hunts and such."
~all they're* doing down...

"Rowr"
~I love that noise!!!!

"as he brought his hind legs forward to scratch the sleek, dark-brown beside his neck."
~sleep dark-brown what? beside his neck

“You don’ think you gonna beat me that easily do you?"
~you're* gonna beat me? although i know you said you like to use improper grammar in dialogue

"Darting through the crowds, the duo quickly caught up with the rest of the participants and finally made it to the town hall where already many have gathered, talking excitedly amongst each other."
~where already many had* gathered

"A dong crashed as a club was beat against it"
~dong? did you by chance mean gong?

"Nobody has ever seen him like this."
~nobody had* ever seen him like this

"The race used to be honorable and peaceful, but the war left them much scared and changed."
~scared or scarred?



~aside from typos, i've noticed that in the chief's speech you use 'but' to start a lot of sentences. i use but to start sentences too, there's nothing wrong with that, but i believe there's one section where it starts 3 in a row. also you always refer to Twilight as Twilight, you could always use a him, or a he, or the boy, unless its your personal preference to use Twilight. whatever floats your boat!

i really hope this isn't too harsh or intimidating. i'm a perfectionist and i hate typos, so i like it when people point out mine (which happens quite often, hehe). if you don't like it, let me know and i'll stop picking. i tend to pick too much. i sorry. anyway, well done sir, well done.

*miss sassypants*

1 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Nah. Ur comments and such are great! Now dont tell anyone but...I gonna be re-writing all the chapters then writing more soon, because they didn't quite turn out as i wanted them, plus since i've improved a bit since then, i hope they'll be even better. Of course I'm going to have to spend weeks just on one chapter to make it perfect but o well. But I might not get to it untill the summer. 10 "
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About 'Cycle of Balance - Chapter 2':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia
 • Copyright: ©Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Balance, Elements, Frumple, Twilight, Dawn, Dusk, War, Battle, Loss, Pain
 • Categories: Angels, Religious, Spiritual, Holy, Demons, Imps, Devils, Beholders..., Dragons, Drakes, Wyverns, etc, Elf / Elves, Fights, Duels, Battles, Lycanthrope, Were-folk, etc, Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Mythical Creatures & Assorted Monsters, Orc, Goblins, Trolls, Trollocs..., Romance, Emotion, Love, Royalty, Kings, Princes, Princesses, etc, Urban Fantasy and/or Cyberpunk, Vampires, Zombies, Undeads, Dark, Gothic, Warrior, Fighter, Mercenary, Knights, Paladins, Wizards, Priests, Druids, Sorcerers..., Dwarf, Dwarves
 • Views: 140


More by 'Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia':
Cycle of Balance - Chapter 3
Cycle of Balance - Prologue
Cycle of Balance - Chapter 1
Golden Promise
How to Properly Terrorize Innocent Villagers
Cycle of Balance - Chapter 4
Battles Gone, Lives Reborn

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