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Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia

"Cycle of Balance - Prologue" by Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia

SF&F Picture 7 out of 8 by Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia
 
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I'm not done the story yet so I'm just putting them on chapter by chapter. This story is obsessed with balance and cycles.
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Prologue


        A sliver of light drifted through the thick smoke into an old cave. The Light traveled through the tunnel, past the dancing shadows of time long past until it could go no further, and waited…and waited…and waited. It waited for four moons yet did not notice. Time did not exist where time was not needed and to the world, four moons was just another cycle. A dim flicker of ghostly light played gently ahead, urging the Sliver onward. Yet It paused. A feeling arose momentarily but was quickly stemmed. It proceeded onward. Feet took shape first from the misty light, then the arms, the body, and finally, the head. The face remained clouded. With each step taken, the Figure became more prominent and seemed to come first into existence. The entrance was reached at last.


        "You have come"


        "Yes"


        "You regret this"


        "Ye-es"


        “That is good. You have truly become Tsinoi.”


        A flash of brilliant light roared through the night but there was no sound and it was noticed only by the Figure. And the Figure stood alone, in a dark empty room. The Other, didn’t exist…anymore…


        A lone survivor lay huddled under a screen of foliage, trembling in fear.


        Four pairs of small disks shimmered along the foliage of the ground. The first was white, the second was green, the third was red, and the last was black. The first disks, silvery white, were more oval, half open and half closed, shining in the moonlight and glowing with brilliance. The second, jade green, were fully open, yet still seeming flourish under a small canopy of trees. The third, blood red, horrible and painful to behold seemed both open and closed at once. This one was the most dangerous Brother, its taint spreading, like a disease, with the burden of the falling of many. But the last, ebony black, showing age and weakness, barely a slit, is the most feared yet some still welcoming it…as a friend. Then as they came to the foliage, they halted. And as one, the disks raised their heads darting in both directions. For a brief moment, the disks flashed and revealed themselves as what they were…eyes. Seeming to understand each other and working together like none other can, the Brothers continued along.


        The man shifted deeper into the foliage, arms wrapping tighter around a cloth-wrapped bundle, and sighed. This sigh was a sigh of relief, pain, confusion and wariness. Even though all seemed safe, the man did not move. He waited, and waited, and waited. He waited four hours. One hour for each pair of disks, for each disk came and went but never truly left and always left a trace. But four hours was the only time when it was safe. So four hours past, the man staggered up and took the winding path the four Brothers took. A muffled crackle of twigs sounded with each step he took, but that did not matter much anymore. They were already aware of his presence. He did not want to be left behind. They were danger in of themselves, but they also protected against much of the other dangers, and the others were not so forgiving and forgetting.


        He would drop the bundle at the next friendly town and then find somewhere to sleep. This task was too much for a forgotten one like himself. He did not have long anyway. He would have killed the bundle a long time ago, a quick and precise slice through the neck, but he could not, however dangerous this precious bundle might be, even though at first it seemed merely an innocent speck…well worth the payment he received in return. That was a first time he ever hesitated to kill, even in cold blood. He even killed all his partners, to get the all the gold of course. Maybe if he did not kill them…no, he would have eventually, being the murderer he is. He pitied the next who would have to continue from where he left off. Or maybe when this “package” grew up, it would have to take the burden. Yes, he knew what it was. He laughed out loud. The first time in weeks. A wonder why the mysterious character who hired him needed such an insignificant thing. It could not even travel about yet. It was willing to pay the highest lump sum he had ever laid eyes on as well.


        Eventually, the man got to a small, wooden gate. He put the bundle down, moaned, and fell.

←- Battles Gone, Lives Reborn | How to Properly Terrorize Innocent Villagers -→

DateNameComment 
3 Jul 2005:-) Cheyenne Kai
OMG. I'm in love with it! This is a truly amazing piece. It has an originality that I haven't seem in some time.

13 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Thankee! Now I feel proud! I haven't felt proud in a while! I shall have to reserve some of this here proudness for later when I need it more."
8 Jul 200545 Randy L. Anfinson II
I really enjoyed reading your piece. I enjoyed the story on its own merit, so I will do my best not to pick it apart, it is not my way. One thing stood out, though, and that is when you changed the end. There is no indication of the man dying, since it isn't implied. All it says is that he fell, which could mean anything. The only way that I knew he died was from reading past comments about him dying. I like the new ending better, though, because it is more mysterious. You don't know if he's dead or not, and I like that more than being absolutely certain. Well, I'm going to read chapter one now, since you piqued my interest. I hope its as enjoyable as the first installment.

13 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Hurra! Thanks me bucko! Oy' enjoyed 'ur comment oy did!"
8 Jul 2005:-) Jess Hyslop
I found this really interesting too, especially the very beginning with the misty stuff that formed into a person. I'm not quite sure yet how that relates to the next bit, but I have the feeling you don't want me to be, anyway! Sneaky... And you've piqued my interest about the man with the bundle too. Why did he suddenly die? Where's the bundle from? So many questions... always a good sign in a prologue coz it makes me want to read on!

I did notice a few times that your sentences were a little 'bumpy' as the muffin girl puts it... You may want to go and look over some of them but I wouldn't change it all because it's kinda your style, and its interesting to read a story in a bit of a different style for once. If I were you I'd change some to make it easier to read (try using short sentences in some parts instead of long ones with lots of commas) but leave some to keep the style yours.

Oh, one thing: 'They were danger in of themselves' <--- o_0 eh?

On to chapter one!

:-) Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "The "danger in of themselves" part basically means they were also dangerous. And I kinda wanna keep some of the wrinkles and bumps for my own reasons, but I'll think about smoothing some of them out. Thx again for da comment!"
10 Jul 2005:-) Chelsea R. Doop
*does tenth comment jig* haha! ha... supposed humor.
GOOD! GREAT! WONDERFUL! CONFUSING... At first, then I read it again. Being the genious that I am I prolly would have gotten it on the first try if it weren't so late... 12:40. a.m. of course... The dang hurricane outside ain't helpin' neither! See! It's even impairing my grammar! Argh... I'll read the rest tomorrow.

well cookies for the good, great, wonderful, confusing author!
*hands cookies to Dabao on the way to bed*
night...
(I wasn't lying about the hurricane)

1 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Yay! My story has fullfilled it's purpose once again (confusing the reader).Hmm, a hurricane u say tho huh? Veeeerrrryyyy interesting.Oh, by the way, I wanted to read ur stuff but it keeps on saying Page not Found. Do you know what's going on?"
11 Jul 2005:-) Chelsea R. Doop
Yea, yea... I'm not quite published yet... *frowns* The queque is taking longer than the last ticket I made(it didn't quite get through as you can see.) It should be up in about a day or two though. If the mods are kind enough.2

14 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Ok then. I'll go read ur stories when ur up. Tell me when. 10"
20 Jul 200545 Monsa Xi
I read this already and I think you already know my comments...

But, just to be sure, WOW...

14 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "I still need to finish chapter 4, but I can never bring myself to start writing! Grr! I need motivation..."
29 Jul 200545 Susan Rogers
Very nice prologue, aside from some small plural/singular issues, it is grammatically sound. I enjoyed your descriptions of the disk whoosies, how you gave emotion to their colors. The only part that I found slightly confusing was the last paragraph where he is remembering/weighing his situation regarding the [child]. Good job! Off to read part 1.

14 Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Alright! For some reason everybody reads the prologue then says their gonna read the other chapters but either doesn't or don't comment. It's actually the chapters (after the prologue) that are better (I like chapter 4 the best so far, but that's in the ticket queue)."
29 Jul 2005:-) Brendon Adam Shapiro
I liked reading this, it was very well written. I must confess I'm a bit confused, but hopefully all will be cleared up in the next few chapters. Overall, great job!

:-) Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Thanks a lot! It actually is supposed to be confusing. 10"
15 Aug 2005:-) Brie TheCheeseGirl O´Reilly
You're thirteen??? Please tell me your bio simply hasn't been updated in a few years...because if not, then i should simply stop writing. Better writers just keep popping up, younger and younger. This was extremely well done. I'm so curious now...*moves on to first chapter*

*miss sassypants*

:-) Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Ya, I really am thirteen, and thanks for reading my bio. Thanks for the comment.By the way, why are u called sassypants?"
16 Aug 2005:-) Brie TheCheeseGirl O´Reilly
Ah, my name...Tis a secret i shall never reveal...Well alright, if you insist. Nah, its not really that interesting. One of my roommates gave me the name after being on the receiving end of one of my not so witty comments. Apparently i was "giving him sass." *shrugs* i liked it, so i kept it.

*miss sassypants*

:-) Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia replies: "Interesting story of yours."
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About 'Cycle of Balance - Prologue':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia
 • Copyright: ©Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Sliver, Tsninoi, Elements, Nature, Death, Life, Growth, Sleep, Balance
 • Categories: Angels, Religious, Spiritual, Holy, Demons, Imps, Devils, Beholders..., Dragons, Drakes, Wyverns, etc, Elf / Elves, Fights, Duels, Battles, Ghosts, Ghouls, Aparitions, Lycanthrope, Were-folk, etc, Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Mythical Creatures & Assorted Monsters, Orc, Goblins, Trolls, Trollocs..., Romance, Emotion, Love, Urban Fantasy and/or Cyberpunk, Vampires, Zombies, Undeads, Dark, Gothic, Warrior, Fighter, Mercenary, Knights, Paladins, Wizards, Priests, Druids, Sorcerers..., Dwarf, Dwarves
 • Views: 208


More by 'Dabao ´The Monkey´ Jia':
Battles Gone, Lives Reborn
How to Properly Terrorize Innocent Villagers
Golden Promise
Cycle of Balance - Chapter 2
Cycle of Balance - Chapter 4
Cycle of Balance - Chapter 3
Cycle of Balance - Chapter 1

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