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Douglas Eckhart

"The Trail of the Golden Mongoose" by Douglas Eckhart

SF&F Picture 2 out of 7 by Douglas Eckhart
 
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This is a quick background that I wrote for a D&D character that I played. I didn't know what the world was like so, in order to avoid description, I wrote it like a screenplay.
I think I got all the D&D references out, there weren't very many. I have nothing else to post, so I thought I'd put this up, since so many people put up character histories and such.
Either way, I feel that it is adequately done writing. Please let me know what you think.
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The Trail Of The Golden Mongoose: Alicine Cervanta's Story

Nine Years Ago
A young girl, about six years old is lying in bed. Her mother is sitting on the edge of the bed and has just finished telling her a bedtime story.

Girl: "Mommy, does it really exist? That animal from the story?"

Mother: "You mean the mongoose? Though only far away, you'd have to travel far to see one."

Girl: "They sound so cool! Small and agile, even faster than snakes! I want to have one as a pet someday!"

Mother: "Maybe someday you can catch one, if you're fast enough. But for now, you need to get to sleep or you'll be tired all day tomorrow."

Girl: "But, I want to hear the story of the Mongoose and the Cobra again!"

Mother: "No more stories tonight, it's time to sleep. You can have a dream about a mongoose..."

About 1 Year Ago
At a scholarly school of sorts. The same girl, now in her early teens stand up from a desk and throws her book across the room, prompting shock from her mentor.

Mentor: Pick up that book!

Girl: No! This is so boring! I'd rather die than keep up these stupid lessons.

Mentor: The elven language is NOT boring. I've never met such an insolent child. Pick up that book and sit back down and finish your studies.

Girl: I quit! I've already learned enough!
She gets to her feet, rounding the corner of the desk in an angry stride, headed for the door.
Girl: If I want to learn any more I'll talk to an elf or something!

Her mentor makes a grab across the desk for her arm, but she's too agile and slips past him, making it to the open door.
Mentor: Come back here! Your parents want you to study this!

Girl: Tell them I don't want to sit in some dumb school all day. I'm never coming back here; I'll learn everything on my own!
She disappears out the door, and is seen running away along the road away from the building.

The mentor's voice can be heard as you watch the girl disappear into the distance: *sigh* She'll be back tomorrow. I've never met such a rebellious girl.

Several Weeks Ago
The girl apparently didn't return to the school...
But, inside the guard house, in a medium sized, walled city, a merchant arrives at the door carrying an odd looking card.

Guard: (roughly) What do you want?

The merchant smiles weakly and holds up his hands in a calming gesture. Merchant: Nothing serious. I just wanted to report a crime. I run an imported food stand out on the north side of town.

Guard: Shoplifting food? I'm afraid we can't do anything about that. The thief probably ate it by now; you just have to write it off as a loss. So ...
He pauses, obviously meaning for the merchant to take the hint and leave.

The merchant smiles again, not leaving but instead approaching closer holding out the strange card.
Merchant: I know, I already consider the food lost, but... there was something odd. Maybe just coincidence or whatever, but I found this in it's place.
He hands the card to the guard. It's a small card, about the size of a playing card, but on one side is a strange picture in shimmering golden ink: Something that looks a little like a goose, but with a longer body - more serpentine - similar to a dragon, with four wings (two sets) but definitely the head of a goose or duck, instead of duck feet it has the talons of an eagle clutching a snake. Over it is written the words: "Golden Mongoose" in the same golden ink. On the back is scribbled, "It was delicious!" in less flowery black script.

The guard flips the card over in his hand, it's not certain if he can read it or not, but the design is plain enough.
Guard: Eh? What's this...?

Merchant: I found it lying there when the food was gone. "Golden Mongoose" sounds like some sort of gang or something? It's probably a practical joke, but someone went through a lot of trouble making this card.

Guard: "Golden Mongoose?" No, I've never heard of that one. There is a guild of thieves that sometimes gives us trouble, but they don't go by that name. Probably some prankster. I'll hold onto this and show it to the captain.

Merchant: Thanks. I just hope it's not another gang. I was nearly wiped out by the half-orc riots.

The guard gets a bit defensive at the mention of that incident. The city guards didn't catch a feud between half-orc clans early enough, and a riot broke out, causing a lot of destruction.
Guard: Don't worry. We'll take care of things!
He snaps at the merchant, but then returns to his usual gruff but uninterested tone.
Guard: I'm sorry to hear about the theft, but there's nothing we can do for that, so if there's nothing else we can help with...?

Merchant: No, that's all. Hope it turns out to be nothing.

The guard watches him leave with an impassive gaze, and then looks back down at the card.
Guard: That's one strange looking goose.

About A Week Ago
At a table at the back of a badly lit tavern, two men are talking. It's hard to tell which is more imposing, the tall, firmly muscled warrior or the dark eyed, rogue with an icy smile. They both have an air of authority about them, the Captain of the Guard, is more solemn and speaks with a deep, even voice while his counterpart, the head of the city's criminal underworld or thieves guild is more casual, yet his words have a decidedly sinister edge.

Captain: ... so if you'd lay off the merchants on west side, they're starting to complain that they need more patrols and I can't really spare the men right now.

Shady Rogue: Fine, fine... But your random inspections are getting out of hand. We can't ship anything in anymore... it's not that I mind paying tariffs, of course *smirk* but ... I've gotta clear a profit you understand.

Captain: I'll see what I can do. We've heard rumors of some bandit groups trying to infiltrate the city. I won't allow them to ship arms in unchecked. If they do get in, it'll hurt you as much as us.

Shady Rogue: *waves hand dismissively* don't worry so much.

Captain: Oh, and one last thing. There's some prankster running around calling themself the "Golden Mongoose." It's not one of your guys is it?

Shady Rogue: *laughs* Golden Mongoose? No... I don't know anyone by that name. What've they done? Maybe I should hire them...

Captain: *frowns* I doubt they'd be worth it. It's all just petty theft, but the cases are piling up. They always leave a card too.
He pulls out one of the mongoose cards, setting it on the table.

The Shady Rogue picks it up, flipping it over dexterously between his fingers then tossing it back onto the table.
Shady Rogue: Nice little drawing, but I've never seen it before. If I hear anything, I'll let you know.

The guard captain gets to his feet, picking up the card from the table. Captain: Alright. *he nods a goodbye gesture* Take care of yourself.

The shady rogue gives a casual wave.
Shady Rogue: *smiles darkly* You too. Let me know if there's any news of these bandits.

Yesterday
In the guard house again. The captain of the guard is standing, looking displeased with a stack of Mongoose cards on the table in front of him. Assembled in the room are several members of the guard.

Captain: Alright. I'm sure you all know about this "Golden Mongoose". We've gotten reports of twenty petty thefts in the last few weeks, that's too much to ignore. There's an odd pattern to it if any: food on numerous occasions, clothing, a statuette of King Cyrus...
There are a few laughs at that one.
Captain: (continues) ... a jeweled necklace...

One of the guards interrupts...
Guard: The necklace was returned, though. An innkeeper brought it in. One of the barmaids apparently woke up wearing it after a wild party. She said she couldn't remember who had given it to her though; as there were many people they had all been drinking heavily.

Captain: Alright, but we can't overlook the theft, simply because it was returned. Last on the list is the theft that occurred last night. A fur coat was stolen. Apparently *cough* the mayor's wife was supposed to send someone to pick it up for her but found this instead. He holds up one of the cards. The coat was something special, white leopard skin or whatnot. But, we've been ordered to put an end to this Golden Mongoose's crime spree.

Random Guard: But, what are we looking for? We don't even have a decent description...

Captain: Well, if we look at where the crimes occurred and what was stolen....

As he steps over to a small map of the city, the figure of young teenage street urchin appears in silhouetted in the doorway. It looks to be a boy in a simple tunic and breaches wearing a cap pulled down almost over his eyes.

The Captain looks over at the shadow from the doorway, but before he can speak, the boy yells out in somewhat of a high voice.
Boy: Quick! Down a' the tavern on fron' street! It's crazy! I never seen a brawl like that! Mus' be tweny people in'it.

There's a flurry of activity as the guards turn towards the door, alert now, turned towards the shadowed figured.
Captain: Brawl? What are you saying? Where?

The boy continues in the same frantic voice, trying to catch his breath as if he's been running.
Boy: At the tavern on Front Street! it started when the bartender called this stranger a golen' goose or sumthin'... tha's what people told me. I din't see it.

Captain: Golden Mongoose?

Boy: Tha' was it! Man, I'm gettin' back there! We started a bet, who'd be last standin'. I got my odds on the bartender, he's a dwarf!

The boy ducks back out of the doorway, disappearing just in time to avoid the stampede as the guards simultaneously rush out into the street headed for the tavern.

A few minutes go by, then the boy reappears and steps into the room, his finely cut features are shown in the light and he smiles brightly as he pulls the cap from his head. Blonde hair falls almost to his shoulders, revealing that it's really the girl that fled from the school. She glances over her shoulder to make sure none of the guards are returning, then steps toward the back of the guardhouse.
Girl: That was kind of fun! I wonder how long it'll take them to get back...

She doesn't wait to find out. She wastes no time finding the case where the weapons are kept, it's locked, but with some fiddling she gets it open. Looking over the weapons she quickly grabs a valuable looking rapier and a crossbow. Pinning one of the now familiar Golden Mongoose cards to the back of the case with a crossbow bolt, she runs out the door, hugging the weapons to her chest.

Earlier Today
A small room with a window and no obvious doors. Along one wall is a set of shelves made from salvaged wood, bearing a collection of random items, recognizable as the things the Golden Mongoose is supposed to have stolen.

The girl is lying on a fur coat spread on the floor like a leopard skin rug, dressed in the same clothes she wore at the guardhouse, without the hat. Spread out near her are some cards, it looks like she was drawing the designs on them last night when she fell asleep.

The sun is already high in the sky as she awakens and stretches, getting to her feet. Picking up her new rapier and crossbow, she examines them appreciatively.

Girl: Now I can be a real adventurer!

In a moment she's dressed like one, in a suit of studded leather, wearing the weapons proudly. Even though she has no mirror to watch herself, she strikes some trial poses, trying to look dangerous and sneaky, then dashing, and then heroic.

Girl: I've got to let people see this!
Her stomach grumbles which takes some of the wind out her sails.
Girl: (mumbling to herself) But first, I've got to get some food. I know, Roast Duck!

She climbs out the window and down a series of planks, till she's near enough to the ground to jump then hurries off down the street.

(.... to be continued ...)

←- Green Eye and the Chalice of the Gods | An Ear For Song -→

DateNameComment 
12 May 200745 Lupai-kin
I like this. The only thing is that there are one or two comma usage mistakes, and I believe thieves' guild requires an apostrophe. The last two things are that although I'm not certain it's necessary, I think "Thieves' Guild" is usually capitalized (though it may be only so in the books I've read), and I don't think you should end with "to be continued..." Just do so. Overall, very entertaining!

:-) Douglas Eckhart replies: "Sorry for the late response.Thanks for the comment! I was in the process of revising and editing this, but it's been a long time and I got lazy and never finished. I'll take your suggestions into account and maybe post another version soon. Thank you for pointing out the errors and for reading and commenting!"
27 Sep 2007:-) Richard Aaron Bruns
I like this. It is fun and easy to read. I like the way you defined the rogue's character mainly by the effects of her work; this suits a shadowy persona.

Random critiques:

"The guard gets a bit defensive at the mention of that incident. The city guards didn't catch a feud between half-orc clans early enough, and a riot broke out, causing a lot of destruction."

You don't need this detail; it takes away from the story flow. The reader only needs to know that the riots existed; the cause is not important and we already knew it was destructive.

"They both have an air of authority about them, the Captain of the Guard, is more solemn and speaks with a deep, even voice while his counterpart, the head of the city's criminal underworld or thieves guild is more casual, yet his words have a decidedly sinister edge."

This could be two or three sentences.

:-) Douglas Eckhart replies: "Thanks for the comment! Are you Dr. Richard Aaron Bruns now? I seem to remember your page mentioned you were studying for your PHD. Although I may have you confused with someone else. 1

Hardly anyone else has said anything about this 'story' , and I know it definitely needs improvement. I was expecting a lot of negative feed back, actually. 1

I will go back and look at the lines you indicated. Somewhere I have a printout of this story with all sorts of markings and revisions that I intended to make, but my room is such a mess that I've lost it. 1 It's been so long since I updated anything. "
2 Oct 2007:-) Richard Aaron Bruns
The Ph.D. is still four years in the future. Maybe I will be able to get back to creative writing and clean up my stories sometime before I graduate, but somehow I doubt it...

:-) Douglas Eckhart replies: "Good luck with the Ph.D! That'll definitely be an accomplishment!

I can understand RL getting in the way of Elfwood. Unless you're getting your degree in Fantasy Literature. of course. 12 I haven't updated my page in quite a while, and I'm not studying for a Ph.D or anything laudable like that. I'm just lazy! 1"
13 Jun 200845 Savanna
I loved it!!! I love all of your work you are a great writer and as soon as I get home I am going to the library and getting one of your books. Bye!
Suvi,10, 06/12/08

:-) Douglas Eckhart replies: "I think you might have a hard time finding any books written by me at the library. ^^;;; But, thank you for the compliment. I’m glad you enjoyed the story. 2"
29 Jun 2009:-) Frances Monro
Good pace, interesting style - examining the results of the character’s thefts, rather than introducing the character more directly. Good Clear writing, more like a play than a story. At some point however you’re going to have to start developing the character and her motivations!
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About 'The Trail of the Golden Mongoose':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Douglas Eckhart
 • Copyright: ©Douglas Eckhart. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: D&d, Thief, Background
 • Categories: Warrior, Fighter, Mercenary, Knights, Paladins
 • Views: 289


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