| Date | Name | Comment | | | 19 Jul 2005 |  Hedgehog on Vacation! |  Loading...*Grins* I also think you’re being too harsh on yourself. This isn’t unreadable! I like the description in this: the use of a few metaphors and similes is good without bogging down the whole story. Adjectives are useful, y’know. Maybe I went overboard on the comments about my own story. ^^ But it was fun and silly, and they were comments I wouldn't dare write about anyone elses work. Plus I hope it encouraged dissention in the ranks which, for commenting, is never a bad thing! ^^ There was just one little thing: ‘Around their feet swirled a deep crimson, like a pool of spilt blood, perhaps a foreshadowing of the moment soon at hand, yet for now it was only the satin sheets of the bed in the corner of the room.’ You might take out the ‘perhaps a foreshadowing…’ because it’s very obvious that that’s what it is. I will do that! Or maybe just take out perhaps. Becca suggests chopping this sentence up too, so it will probably suffer some damage in that process as well! The only real complaint I have is that the explanation is right splat in the middle, which sort of let the story slow down in its build-up. It might help to break it up and scatter it throughout the story. For instance, let readers find out that they grew up together at the beginning (hm…that might be a little cliched.) Okay! I've gotten several comments on the flashback so I must do something. ^^ I'll see about interspersing it throughout the narrative somehow, but the main issue that I see is that this scene is not really viewed from any one character's perspective. It's more like watching them from a vantage point somewhere in the room. So it's out of bounds to get into either of their heads and let them think about the past... Plus, I don't imagine either of them to be very great thinkers to begin with! ^^;; But, I will change this somehow! I promise! And er…yes, the dialogue is a little stilted. But that can be fixed. Those two are bitter rivals, not friendly ones. This could really show through the words they fling at each other and serve to characterize them more, which gives a richer story to the reader. And the woman? Well, they could just be fighting over her because they’re bitter and live off this rivalry completely. I dunno? Hehe... I think the dialogue shall survive for the most part. Afterall these monsters have a very short lifespan in the story, it wouldn't do for them to spend too much of it speaking!I really rather like the ending though; I was kind of wondering why they were fighting over her and since you mentioned cliches (ah! The stupid accents!) I was thinking that they were good vs. evil fighting over the woman they love, etc…and well, I guess they wanted lunch.  You can still be extremely vague about the origins, but it might be good to stick a theme, question, etc behind it. And don’t give up! This could just be a rough draft. You can make it original, you can make it richer! You have the backbone of the story now…so it’s just editing (Bleh!)  Douglas Eckhart replies: "Bleh... editing... such an evil word! Thank you for the long and detailed critique. I'll take all these comments to heart and see how I can work them into a revised draft, or perhaps even rework the entire framing to accomodate some of the changes!
I'm glad to hear the ending was pleasing! For some reason it reminds me of the end of Romeo and Juliette with monsters. I have planned a sequel to this story, but perhaps I should focus on revision first!
Thank you again for all the work you did on my behalf! " | |
| 2 Sep 2005 |  Katie Collishaw | Loading... grr.. now that my above one has no spaces!! grr.. anyway, I enjoyed this story. I think that it quite enjoyable to see two inhumanly beings beating each other up for an oblivious woman.. ( It worked for Paris right?) It is a really good story anyway.. it does need some work, you're sentences are too long.. and it's a little short. And I have a question.. why would Glorn kill the woman he wants, unless he already knew he was going to die.. hmm... I dunno. I did like it though!! =D Keep Writing!!  Douglas Eckhart replies: "The point of the story was that they were fighting over her to eat her, because they were monsters that eat people. ^_^ Also, I tried to use the flashback to convey that it didn't really matter what the fight was about, they would challenge each other over any excuse, but this was their final fight. ^_^
Thank you again for taking the time to comment! I'll have to look at including your suggestions in the next draft!" | |
| 2 Sep 2005 | Katie Collishaw | Loading... Ok then!! I'm going to make this comment as I read!! The second line in this story is way too long. You should cut it off at some point.. and it makes no sense about the scent of blood and smoke. I get the idea.. but it still doesn't fit. I don't mean to sound silly or stupid but this sentence, to me, makes no sense, "Around their feet swirled a deep crimson, like a pool of spilt blood, perhaps a foreshadowing of the moment soon at hand, yet for now it was only the satin sheets of the bed in the corner of the room."Thanks for pointing this one out! I think a few people have mentioned that this line is really awkward. I have a revised version ready for upload, not sure if I submitted it on a ticket yet or not. With the long queue I tend to forget what's in it and what's waiting. ^_^ Uh, if our tall dude is wearing a helmet that only reveals his eyes, how can we see his fanged smile? I didn't notice that one! I think I pointed out another instance where he does something like that when I commented on my own story. I'll correct that one too. Maybe make it "A helmet that shows only his eyes and his evil fanged grin." Ok.. as all this fighting, and dresser breaking is happening.. why isn't this woman waking up.. she should atleast be stirring!! You have to read to the end for that one. It's because she's already dead. OH yes, if Delgren's armor is as black as his skin, you don't need to tell us that he has dark skin WE kinda assumed that. =D Well, you never know... there's several shades of dark. I'll look at revising that one, though! Now, how can he roll Glorn's body to the floor when it's alread on the floor? Unless it was on top of something.. Also, how can he eat her with a helmet on?Glorn fell on the bed. That's why Delgren brushed him to the floor, so he could get at the girl. Yeah, I noticed that he was wearing the helmet still. I guess it can be assumed that he took it off, but I'll try to be more explicit ONe last thing.. you keep switching tenses... it is passed then present.. stick to it mister!! Douglas Eckhart replies: "I'm bad with tenses, but you're right, they probably do switch around a lot in this story. I'll look at them as well! So many things to revise! ^_^
Thank you for taking the time to go through all this and comment! I'll be sure to add the changes to the next version!" | |
| 11 Apr 2006 | L. Shanra Kuepers | Loading... Originality like that twist, the main characters and the ability not to put in too much detail are wonderful things to have. ^-^ In those aspects, this is a great story. All the nits above are things you'll flow into as you write (provided you haven't already, which is highly possible ^-~) anyway, so don't pay *too* much attention to them. You've got the good stuff, and I agree with Becca. You're not half as terrible as you seem to think. Er, I know my comment is quite snarky in places and probably doesn't do a whole lot to prove that point, but it is true. You've got all the bases. You've got no spelling errors that I could see, no grammatical errors except maybe a few things, slight comma issues that nearly everyone has and shouldn't be high on the priority list right now anyway, a good set of ideas, a decent grasp on how to execute those ideas, nice turns of phrase, a decent grasp on the narrative, knowledge when to describe and when not to (not perfect, but insanely better than most 'not even close to their potential' stories I've read) What you lack is experience, and that alone does not make you a bad writer. Makes you, obviously, an inexperienced writer, but you have all you need right there in that head of yours. Write more, take the comments on these pieces to heart, use them in later stories and don't worry too much about these older pieces. Becca's right. We need things to embarrass us, and if you really, really want to rewrite them, that's always an option later on when you feel more confident. ^-^ Keep writing and before you know it, you'll be looking back on this the way or commentors have so far. It's all just a matter of practicing and reading an awful lot. Douglas Eckhart replies: "First of all, thank you for the long and detailed comment you left on my story in April. I did read it at the time and took your words to heart.I'm very sorry that I did not reply to your comments sooner, especially since you took so much time posting them. It must have seemed like I didn't value your opinion, and that is very far from the truth. Thank you again for your critique of my story. I'll have to reread it (and all the works that I have posted) and make some sort of revisions soon." | |
| 11 Apr 2006 | L. Shanra Kuepers | Loading... And that's it for the nittypicks. A few general remarks before I get to the praise that are general convention because they work and improve one's work. Direct speech goes on a new paragraph 97% of the time. It only doesn't if the same character is continuing to speak.
Show, not tell. Apart from the room issue, that's my biggest peeve about this story. You're telling this, not showing it. The only relative showing you had was the fighting, and I have to admit I skimmed that because duel scenes are hardly ever written in such a way that I'm compelled to read them.
I still maintain the view that 'Show, not tell' is right up there with commas, because the only way to get a good feel for it is by writing a damn lot. The bulk of this story consists of detail. Yet details like the interior of the room (yes, I really will hammer on that), which seem to me to be pretty darn important and this woman they both want gets passed up with 'incomparable beauty'. Although that's actually a pretty nice change, all these purple prose descriptions of incomparable beauties that appeal mostly to the author themselves get annoying. Still, point is there that your descriptions aren't balanced.
I have to admit that while this is the least favourite of the pieces I read on your shelf, I also think it's the one with the most potential. ^-^ There just seems to be more story behind it than the other piece(s). It's a nice take on an old theme that could work wonderfully to your advantage. Does work to your advantage to an extent. The twist with the woman, their lunch, the poison and how their wish to defeat the other is all-encompassing is very interesting and daring. Usually, in these type of stories, the 'good' protagonist lives happily ever after. Wonderful touch there on even more accounts. You don't have a 'hero' and a 'villain' in this. You don't go on and on about their past (though that part did feel slightly info-dumpish all the same), you don't go on and on about anything that isn't important to the story. | |
| 11 Apr 2006 | L. Shanra Kuepers | Loading... The two drew the weapons <- riddle me this. There are two men drawing large weapons in a room. This room is small enough for them to need to hunch in, and also has a bed somewhere in it, and a woman who is hopefully sleeping, under a spell, or not real in said bed. Where are these men finding the room to circle each other and drawing their weapons? And, if the woman is indeed sleeping, she must be pretty sleepy. D'you know how much noise there'd be with clanging armour, weapon drawing and war raging outside? And why is her house seemingly in order if it's located in the middle of a war zone?
but nothing could stop this fight. <- Sure there is. It's called physics. If they can barely stand and not even draw their weapons properly, there's no way they're going to be able to fight. Oh, he has a claymore. Yeah. Definitely not a chance in hell they can fight in a room that size. They can't move, they can't swing (that tip wouldn't graze the ceiling, it'd get stuck). Where are they? In a pocket of 'natural laws need not apply'?
Ahh, sorry... I seem to be quite snarky. But the room issue really is bugging me. It. Just. Doesn't. Work. It's too tiny. If you didn't intent for it to be as small as it sounds (my guess would be a 9m2 max room with average-cottage height ceiling), you need to work on the description or tone the characters down.
true to their rivalry[,] they split <- need that comma there because you have one before 'true'.
a chance to gain the initiative[,] but neither
With that simple mistake, it was over, <- semi-colon. Commas don't seperate equal clauses. Ever. Semi-colons do.
"I will meet you in Hell, and slay you there as well!" <- This is generally a Christian idea, this Hell, isn't it? I know, I know, loads of fantasy stories use it, but they generally have multiple ones just to give it a bit of a twist. 'Hell' just always reminds me of Christian beliefs. Kind of like how you can't use 'angels' unless you really want the religious associations that come with the word. | |
| 11 Apr 2006 | L. Shanra Kuepers | Loading... Since this is long, and just ever so slightly catty in places, I'll just include another disclaimer: As said in the first comment, I give nits first. It's just because I prefer writing comments as I read, and have them out of the way, so I can actually focus on the good stuff. Unfortunately (or not), I tend to shred things to pieces whenever I can. And that's what I did here. It's not meant to keep you from writing, even if it sounds extremely harsh at times. For that, I apologise in advance, but it's the way I write. Take it with a grain of salt if you can; we all start without experience and we all seem to start with the same mistakes. ^-~ Point of this all is: I know I can be harsh, but please bear with me to the end (or just skip the nit picky stuff) 'cause that's where all the praise/encouragement is.
the scent of smoke and blood from the battlefield beyond, a reminder of the brutal conflict that continued even now <- can't use a comma there, I don't think. Commas are evil. *nods* They're absolutely evil and cruel little blighters that refuse proper rule definitions and understanding. And they love to be where they shouldn't or go AWOL. Commas are evil.
across at each other. <- repetition of 'across'.
The two faced off, <- the two what? You can't just drop the noun if the noun in your last clause (or sentence) isn't the one you're omitting here.
slightly shorter but equally powerful <- comma before but. Only exception is when you have a construction like 'all but the women' and it doesn't serve as a contradiction like it does here.
Pieces of his armor had been lost, but still his spiked chestplate remained and a fearsome pauldron over one shoulder. <- I'd suggest 'most pieces' to avoid readers going 'But you just said only one wears armour!' and the verb needs to be at the end. You can't seperate two coordinated phrases ('chestplate' and 'pauldron over ...') they go together and should be together. They're one subject, not two. | |
| 13 Jun 2008 | Savanna | Loading... Blah, blah, blah, ramble, ramble, ramble - part two ^_^ "The two leaned their weight forward as the weapons locked together, each trying to overpower the other as their eyes burned with inhuman ferocity, their teeth gritted, muscles tensed and shaking from the strain." - and the sentence goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on. I can say this, because I too have been inflicted with this curse. Also you could probably cut this up into a few sentences - fragments might be grammatically incorrect, but you’ll find they do get used especially in fight scenes. This one I will definately break up! "Why are sentences so difficult, always too short or to long, they are." Or so I would imagine Yoda saying. ^^ "It was a *total* lie, as he still felt the effects of the blow..." It was like a total lie, man, I mean I could like still feel the effects... Sorry but the use of ’total’ there ain’t really in keeping with all your other vocabulary here. "Complete" doesn’t sound right either. So I think it shall be total-ly removed. ^^ Anyway, you’re way too hard on yourself. This has got a lot of good points to it, okay it is ladened with clich�s but you’ll be hard pushed to find many stories which aren’t. Clich�s are used over and over for a reason, and not all of them are evil. Still you managed to sustain the narrative and write so decent action scenes - again you’ve got that comedic twist, I don’t know if it was meant to be funny, but I was laughing - DEAD! DEAD! *snickers* POISON! POISON! So not the shiniest shell on the beach, but it was great ^_^ of course it was obvious she was dead, but that didn’t retract from the rest of it at all. I’m not sure it was meant to be funny, per se, but it was definately meant to be exaggerated. ^^ For some reason I can’t imagine anyone getting to the ending and breaking out in tears mourning the loss of either one of these guys. I’m happy to hear that you enjoyed it as it is quite silly.I also wouldn’t be bothered about the history of their youth - hardly an original concept to begin with, like that hasn’t been used thousands of times before. I’ve had numerous comments against the flashback, so I think I should delete it. It’ll leave the story much shorter, though. I’m not sure what to put in it’s place, since there will be a big gap there.It’s the age old one - they’ll either be best buddies who fall out over a woman and die, or blood enemies who knock heads over a woman and die. How often do you see women doing that over a guy? *chuckles* There you go, challenge for you - two damsels having a ***** fight over prince charming lots of scratching at eyeballs, hair pulling and name calling please ^_^ More than likely he’d already be married anyway - or a serial bigamist *grins* If I had time... never mind. Now that would be nearly impossible for me! I’d make a total mess of the dialogue, I’m sure. Maybe, monster women? I might be able to handle that! "So, Glornina... you came for him too!" She bares her claws, the bright red polish a sharp contrast the the horrid green of her skin. "But he’s my prize!" ^^ Rambling done. You’re not as terrible as you think, you’ve got all the bases here for good stuff - you can hold a sentence together, deliver a narrative and get convincing character interaction (dialogue - not great, but these do seem like thick hulking brutes, so you’re forgiven) Practise makes perfect, me dear, just write more and don’t worry about the early stuff - you need things to embarrass you, it’s... fun... apparently My stuff just makes me cringe. Douglas Eckhart replies: "Thank you again for taking so much time to go through this story. I really appreciate it! I don’t know if I’ve ever seen any of your earlier work, but I’m sure it can’t have been as bad as you think. ^_^ I’ll make all the changes you have suggested in the comments and maybe give some thought to the Two Girls Fighting over a Prince story. " | |
| 30 Dec 2008 |  Deborah Cullins Smith | Loading... Looks like you’ve had quite enough in the editing department! So I won’t even go there tonight. I WILL say that I enjoyed the story very much. In the heat of battle, it’s hard to NOT run on the sentences. You kept a good flow with the action of the fight and the tension before each blow. I did like the twist at the end though! I figured she was dead, but I didn’t see the poisoned dagger coming into play. Nice move, Douglas! Douglas Eckhart replies: "Thank you for taking the time to read this.  " | |
| 24 Jan 2009 | Anon. | Loading... WOW!!! LOTS OF WRITING IN THE COMMENTS!!!!!!!! Douglas Eckhart replies: "Yeah, but what did you think of the story... THE STORY! O.o" | |
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