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David Christopher Meredith

"The Disciple´s Prayer" by David Christopher Meredith

SF&F Picture 2 out of 5 by David Christopher Meredith
 
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This was a contest entry (results pending) where the first line was provided and then the author was free to write whatever they wanted up to 800 words. I hope you like the results of my effort. (It should be noted that the Kitsuneinori Sutra is a proper noun and is therefore untranslateable. It refers to a specific ficticious formal chant.)
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The Disciple's Prayer


Sniffing the scent of burning wood, the creature couldn't have been more pleased...


It lit. Thank Inari, it lit! The sweet, sweet smell of its burning filled her utterly, blocking out all of her other sensibilities as she blew and coaxed the tiny spark into a healthy blaze. It was not simply smoke in general that she enjoyed and there was a great deal of difference in the smell among things that could burn, particularly to her sensitive nostrils. There was the acrid stink of seared flesh for example, the rotten stench of smoldering sulfur, or even the choking reek of flaming pitch. But this... There was just something clean and good, almost purifying about the smoke of wood. And this was not just any smoke mind you! There on the gilded alter before her lay a sizeable pile of the pinkish, sacred cedar wood that Lord Inari preferred, all that she could gather in her haste.


She raised her seemingly red velvet sheathed arms high above her head as she chanted the words of the Kitsuneinori Sutra passionately. Her ample breast heaved with the fervor of her entreatment, bushy red tail swishing almost frantically behind her as she knelt naked in the mighty god's holy presence. White-tufted, red ears flicked reflexively as the sweetly smoldering cedar smoke wreathed her pretty, auburn head and tickled her all too human-looking nose.


She was torn between ecstasy and agony as she spoke the sacred words. Fat, bitter tears leaked from the corners of her piercingly yellow eyes even though, as always, she was made positively giddy by the Great Lord of the Fields' shining presence here in his own inner sanctum. Despite her zealot's joy however, and almost blasphemously she was sure, her mortal heart was being rent in two by the clearly audible cacophony outside that was the all too obvious death throws of the only home she had ever known, the only people she had ever loved.


But her faith was not lessened! No, no, not in the least. Her will was as iron. She was one of the faithful! Surely the god would hear her impassioned prayers. Surely he would see her devotion to the sutras. Surely he would come to her aid in this last, dark hour!


She could hear them now in the corridors beyond. They were coming for her, killing, raping, murdering, and burning on their violent way. The bitter smoke of the destruction that they wrought threatened to overwhelm the sweet scent of the sacred cedar even in this sealed cloister of the temple.


The creature faltered in her chanting as she sobbed once, but caught herself. She would not, could not doubt. Her faith must be unbending, unshakeable, absolute, now more than ever. Inari would come. He would save them. She believed it with all of her being. She yearned for it like a parched man might long for water or a drowning man air.


With a deep, shuddering breath she drew the sacred, golden dagger from the center of the burning pile of wood, once delicately pink, but now glowing fiercely red. The soft metal of the blade shone crimson as well. Its withering heat seared the flesh of her palms and fingers as she held it, but she did not cry out. She did not slacken her vicious grip in the slightest as she raised the glittering blade high over her head in both hands, eyes following it intently to it's triumphant zenith. Inari would come!


The door to the chamber shuddered suddenly under the force of a monstrous blow and she heard the grunts of the invaders at their grim labors in the hall beyond. They were here. She was out of time.


"Lord Inari!" She cried wrenchingly, willing the deity to hear her, to see her, to save them all. "Answer our fervent plea! Accept this, your supplicant's willing sacrifice!"


The fox girl's tearful eyes widened to near owl-like proportions as she used all of her strength to thrust the long, burning blade home...

 

←- Lady of the Waste | The Embrace -→

DateNameComment 
17 May 2006:-) Elizabeth Wilcox
Ok, first thing--this really is not so happy as your other work . . . Moving along, I must say that I love this as well. You make use of the senses in a way that is effective and pleasing to read. Bravo!

I only have one editing comment:

She raised her seemingly red velvet sheathed arms high above her head as she chanted the words of the Kitsuneinori Sutra passionately.

Here (though I can't use html to show it), "Kitsuneinori" is italicized and "Sutra" isn't. Shouldn't both be?

:-) David Christopher Meredith replies: "Thank you for your kind words. This was kind of a test piece for my. It was inspired by (though not directly related to) a longer work that I am hoping to get published in 2008. I hope you'll take a look at my new piece too though. I think it's one of the best I've done yet. Thanks again!"
15 Aug 2007:-) Jayne Leonard
Results pending aye? So what was the result in the end?

Everyone seems to think that constructive critism is all about telling people what they have done wrong. But i feel that it is also important to tell people what they do well so they know what to carry on! So here goes...

1) 'Sacred cedar that Lord Inari preferred' - this sentence makes this 'god' seem more human, more like a real man, who will come riding on a horse to save the day. This is really important for later on in the tale, making the possibility of him actually coming to help a bit more real.

2) Her loved ones are being killed and home is being destroyed, yet her faith isn't stirred. I find it amazing that the realm of fantasy is is so relevant to today and how it reflects the world we live in. Maybe the genre of fantasy isn't so imaginary after all...?

3)I like the method of lists in stories. You can tell the reader a lot in 4 or 5 words which could take up to 4 to 5 paragraphs. "killing, raping, murdering, burning" a very violent and provocative list to stir the readers emotions plus images too.(Isn't killing and murdering he same thing though? People don't want to be killed so therefore it is murder?)

4) I also like people who use lots of descriptive words (deep, shuddering breath). I get told a lot that i use too many of these but i feel that this helps paint a picture for the reader and it gives the story an epic feel. If anyone tells you to stop - DON'T!

5) I love the comparisons you make (a drowning man). So people who are not particuarly religious who read this know how desperate she feels for this to happen. Also, how people feel who are religious and devoted they are.

6) 'thrust the long burning blade home...' - This is very subtle but gets the message across without having any gory details (this works due to how you've wrote the story so far, they imagine on their own how much blood etc.)The story is finished in a very 'classy way'.

The best thing is that you got some much inspiration from just two lines. You must be very talented!

Sorry it's not 'constructive' (telling you what you've done wrong) but i hope you find it useful 1

:-) David Christopher Meredith replies: "The result in the end was not what I was hoping for, but Oh well. It was just a test piece anyway, but I'm glad you liked it. As always thanks for the long, meaty comment."
22 Aug 200745 L. Shanra Kuepers
Have said all -that-... This was gorgeous. I love the sparseness of wht's happening around the fox girl. It's an incredibly focused piece, with the side-benefit of making the reader (well, me at least) very curious about the rest of the world and what's actually happened here. Not so much whether Inari did actually come for her because I like the ambiguous ending. I really enjoyed the strong focus on scent in this and its return when we learn why she's in the temple and gathering cedar wood in such haste in the first place. Also, keeping the invaders faceless helps make them more terrifying for the reader as well, especially when it's clear that she isn't human. Who knows what the invaders actually are? Maybe they're human and mortal; maybe they're not. I like that. I like that touch very much.

'tis a good tale. I admit I'm not quite sure how I feel about the lack of visual description (while I'm not a visual writer, I'd appear to be a visual reader), but in the end it'd be just something to add some more pretty as they're not really needed. The story is beautifully executed the way it stands already. As Jayne said, the comparisons you've made through this are lovely. *looks up* Killing would be for the ones who fight back and murdering for the ones who don't/can't, yes? At least that's how I read the difference.

Ahem, sorry. Yes, I do tend to peek at comments. I should learn not to, really. (See? Babble.) Anyway, this was a most delightful treat on my early morning plate and enjoyed it very much! ^-^

:-) David Christopher Meredith replies: "I'm glad you liked it and I DO need to be more thorough in attending to my grammar. This piece was intended to be sparce though. It was really just sort of a loose character scketch for a much longer piece that I'm working on now. But thanks again! I hope you'll check back and read my new stuff when I get it up. Your comments really are helpful."
22 Aug 200745 L. Shanra Kuepers
*looks up* Concrit is about giving a balanced comment. *ahem* Anyway. Hello. First visit warning: I nit, I babble, I am pedantic, and I am not yet far enough gone to believe I'm always right (^-~) and always willing to clarify points that need clarification (I have a tendency to be confusing, apparently) as long as I know they're needed. That said: *pounce*

general that she enjoyed and there was <- This could easily be me, but this sentence (and those related to it that follow) don't work for me syntactically. The 'and there was' feels like it doesn't belong there in the middle of two more closely related things. *sigh* I always mess up explanations like this, when I'm not entirely sure whether that's really the cause of the problem. I hope there's something in looking at it again that it resonates and clarifies itself some. But the big issue is that the first clause makes me expect a follow-up that doesn't arrive. (It wasn't simply ..., but ... <- that kind of structure. As said it could easily be me, but it keeps jarring me out of the story, even though I really like the fact that the first sense you focus on is smell. Senses are such hard things to write into stories. I'm still terrible at them myself.)

just any smoke[,] mind you

She believed it with all of her being. <- I think the saddest thing about that whole paragraph is that everything preceding this line shows that she does doubt. Sad in a good way, that is. Not in a 'this is a negative nit and you should look into it' way. I like this paragraph. I really like the fact that what we're shown doesn't compute with what we're told and it works that way. (Would work better in third person limited, I'm sure, but... *shrugs* I'm a little attached to that pov.)

drowning man [for] air. <- need the symmetry since the 'for' doesn't carry over to within a sister phrase.

to it's triumphant <- its, no? Darned little false friends.

"Lord Inari!" She cried wrenchingly <- no capped s, since cry is a speech verb. Try replacing the direct speech with 'that'. You'll find it's direct obect to 'cried' and thus part of the same sentence. That's why, if there's a full stop in place of the exclamation mark, there's a comma. It's different with non-speech verbs of course, but changing the speech to that is a pretty foolproof test. If it makes a sentence, albeit an OSV one, it's one sentence. If it leaves 'that' limping around like a limbless creature, it's not.
2 Jan 2008:-) Simi Landau *Muffin Queen*
Hi! I have to say, I really liked reading this. I knew what the ending would be, and I was still hoping for fox-girl at the end. She is a very engaging character.
I'll leave off letting you know about the typos--Shanra seems to have gotten most of them, anyway.
I love what you did with the first line leading into the rest of the story. You took something ominous and made it hopeful, setting the tone with little introduction. Lovely.
I also think it's great that there's very little visual imagery about the setting. (I'm awfully guilty of that in some of my stuff) We know what we *need* to know about the place, and the rest is left up to us. Any reader with sufficient imagination probably has a full map all sketched out in their heads, now. 2
I'm personally torn about the ending. I've reread it several times, and I can't decide if I find it well-paced or rushed. I think it's sort of both? If that makes sense. It's hurried, but so is she. Um.
Again, great story!

1 David Christopher Meredith replies: "Thanks for stopping by! I agree to some extent that this particular piece feels a little rushed even to me. I had to cut it down from its original rough form to fit the word limit of the contest I entered it in. Also, I kind of intended this as a bit of a character sketch for a kitsune girl character who is a main supporting character in the novel that I finshed last Fall, rather than a stand alone short story. (I'm currently polishing it to try and sell by maybe this coming spring. Wish me luck.)I was tyring to be as evocative as possible in a really short space. It's actually a real departure for me in terms of descriptiveness. I usually tend to be much more decriptive in my other work (possibly too much so 12 ). Of the things I have up right now, this is actually my least favorite for that reason. I'm really glad you liked it though, and I hope that you'll read my other two short stories (three if you count the one in queue now), but thanks again for stopping by and thanks again for commenting! I always REALLY appreciate the feedback."
9 May 2008:-) Heidi Hecht
Pretty good for a short piece. Especially good job describing her emotions. And a furry. I love furries.
So, is the god going to help her people or not? I will be majorly disappointed if he doesn’t.
This would make an amazing climax scene in a longer story if you want to write one.

:-) David Christopher Meredith replies: "I originally envisioned this as a part of the novel I’ve already written, but as the larger work progressed this segment fit less and less well. Rather now I view it as a character sketch and it was the basis for a character I did flesh out more in my novel. Still, I’m glad that you like it and I really hope you’ll also check out my other stuff; in particular I ercomend Snow White and The Embrace. Thanks again!"
23 Oct 200845 Caerniy Moonarrow
It was interesting. I personally like your other work better but still a wonderful piece. I love the emotions portrayed. The devotion and love is wonderful. She is a kitsune right? I love the strength and passion of your words. You are the suffering young female of the story. I admire your work. Poor slightly less starving (dinner! yum!) artist wanting to let out her creative self.

:-) David Christopher Meredith replies: "Thanks. This was actually ever only intended to be a character sketch. I only posted it because I had another piece ("The Reflections of Queen Snow White"12 that I was really excited about getting up, but since it was my first I had to submit a minimum of two pieces. I planned to take this one down after I got some more stuff up, but I got so much positive feedback that I decided to leave it. You should check out Snow White if you get a chance. It’s still my only Mod’s Choice and I’d be interested in your opinion!"
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About 'The Disciple's Prayer':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) David Christopher Meredith
 • Copyright: ©David Christopher Meredith. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Kitsune, Fox, Folk, Tale, Japan, Japanese
 • Categories: Fights, Duels, Battles, Mythical Creatures & Assorted Monsters, Romance, Emotion, Love, Vampires, Zombies, Undeads, Dark, Gothic, Wizards, Priests, Druids, Sorcerers...
 • Views: 283


More by 'David Christopher Meredith':
The Embrace
The Date
The Reflections of Queen Snow White
Lady of the Waste

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