"Mother Kat: Chapter 4" by Emilie Aurora Finn

“Are we gonna live here now?” The expression on the small, pale face on the white pillows was wistful. Robert gently tucked the sheet up around the little girl’s chin and smiled into her wide eyes. It was Thursday morning, and Sarah was in the living room, talking to Mother Kat about some book she had found on the shelf in the study, so he was snatching the time to be with his sister. He didn’t like being in the girls’ bedroom when Sarah was there. He had avoided talking to her alone since that disastrous conversation two days ago.

“I like this place better than the other place,” Paula continued. “I like the Nice Lady.”

Rob chuckled. “You mean Mother Kat? I like her too, Polly.”

Paula wrinkled her nose at him. “Why do you call her cat? She doesn’t look like a cat!”

“Her real name is Katherine,” he grinned, “but she likes to be called Kat the way you like to be called Polly. You don’t look like a parakeet, either. It’s just a nickname.”

“Oh.” She nodded, satisfied. Then she frowned. “Why isn’t Sarah happy? Doesn’t she like the Nice Cat Lady?”

Rob’s grin widened at this change in Paula’s name for Mother Kat, but the first half of her remark worried him. “Of course she likes Mother Kat, Polly. We all do. What makes you think Sarah isn’t happy?”

“She cried a long time last night. She thought I was asleep, but I wasn’t ‘cause my head hurt.”

He shook his head. But Sarah never cried! Or did she? If she’d only seen him as a protector; a kind of pimp—the thought made him shudder—would she ever have let him see her cry? And he certainly wouldn’t know now if she was happy or not. He avoided her like the plague these days. He was going to the church with Mother Kat today so he wouldn’t have to be in the house alone with her. He gently smoothed back his sister’s tangled auburn hair and asked gently, “Have you ever heard Sarah cry before?”

The little girl nodded. “She used to cry sometimes when she got home from work in the mornings—after you left. And when you didn’t come home all night that one time, we both cried.”

He remembered that night clearly. He’d been picked up by a policeman who’d thought he was selling real X and spent the night cooling his heels in a jail cell. Eventually they’d realized their mistake, and since they couldn’t find anything else to charge him with, they’d let him go. Sarah had been red-eyed that morning. He’d forgotten that.

Paula’s face had clouded over. “She said not to tell you,” she said anxiously. “Have I been bad?”

Rob shook himself. “No, sweetheart. It’s okay for Sarah to cry if she’s sad, and you should always tell me the truth when I ask you things.”

Her face cleared. “Sometimes she had bruises when she came home from work,” she added. “She didn’t cry about that, though. She only cried sometimes when she knew I saw them, so I pretended not to.”

“Bruises?” he said, alarmed. “Where?”

“Here,” Paula gestured to her chest area and crotch. “They looked like mine used to. Do you think her boss was mean the way Daddy was?”

Robert choked and turned away, afraid his expression would frighten Paula. Horror and self-loathing crept through his veins like some sort of slow-acting poison. It wasn’t the bruises themselves. Now that he thought about it, he realized that that was probably inevitable. But he hadn’t even seen them. He had looked at Sarah and seen exactly what every other john who ever used her saw. It must’ve hurt her when they— And he had never even noticed! He was no better than his frigging father. Maybe Dad hadn’t noticed Paula’s pain, just as Rob hadn’t seen Sarah’s. It was a terrible thought.

“Robby?” Paula’s voice was uncertain. “Are you mad?”

Rob got his face and voice under control with an effort. “Yes, I am mad,” he said, turning back to his little sister. “But not at you or Sarah. I’m mad at the people who gave Sarah those bruises.”

“So am I!” Paula said indignantly.

“Did you see Gary, Rev. Kat?”

Katherine started. Her hand stopped scribbling sermon notes mid-sentence, and she looked up to smile at Larry Wright, Mary’s husband and her senior warden. He was a tall, heavyset man with a genial, smiling face, and he leaned casually against the doorframe at the entrance to her office.

The point is that faith is by definition action, she said quickly to herself, hoping she wouldn’t forget, and I can tie that into both the Gospel and the Epistle lesson.

Aloud she replied, “Not today. Is he around?”

“He’s out there hunched over his computer on the south side of the building, burning to a crisp. Pretty expensive model for a Mall Rat, isn’t it?”

Katherine shook her head uneasily. “Far too expensive.”

“You think he did something illegal to get it? Stole it? Or that he’s selling drugs?”

Katherine opened her mouth to say no, it wasn’t that at all, but she found herself unable to voice, even to one of her most trusted parishioners, the uneasiness she felt whenever she came across Gary hunched over his computer. Mall Rats were often arrested on such flimsy word-of-mouth evidence. She let the corner of her mouth twitch upwards in an enigmatic half-smile. “For the sake of my own peace of mind, I try not to entertain suspicions I can’t prove,” she said lightly. “What can I do for you, Larry?”

The senior warden gave her a look that told her plainly that he recognized her answer for the evasion it was, and chose to ignore the fact. All he said was, “Mary forgot to ask you the other day if you got our message. We’d like you to come for dinner sometime next week, if you have the time.”

“Absolutely.” Katherine’s smile was genuine this time. “I left my schedule at home, though. Can I call you later?”

“Sure. I’ll be at the men’s shelter, but I have my cell with me. Just don’t call between seven and nine. Mary and I are going to the symphony concert tonight.”

“Oh, you’ll love it.” There was a touch of wistfulness in Katherine’s voice. “Berlioz’s Symphonie Fantastique and Beethoven’s 6^th.”

“You’re not going?”

“I can’t. But I got to see the dress rehearsal. It’s a terrific program.”

“No money?”

Katherine smiled. “No, to match your honesty. But no time either, so don’t offer to buy me a ticket.”

“Sorry. I’m always putting my foot in my mouth.”

“You’re honest and direct, which is why I like you so much. Now get out of here and over to the shelter where they need you. I’ll call you about dinner.”

Larry laughed. “Will do, Rev. Kat. See you.”

Gary flung open the door to the St. Mary’s office building with his usual panache, gestured Larry, who was leaving, through it with a bow, then let it slam closed behind him. He leaned back against the wall to let its coolness seep into his overheated body and glared at the closed laptop in his hands. For a moment he considered dashing it to the floor, grinning as he envisioned all its parts spilling out as the parts of Mother Kat’s clock had yesterday.

But that wouldn’t solve anything. He had promised Mike and JR that he would have the stupid vidcams rewired by next week, and he’d already spent part of his fee. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall. There was no going back now, even if the watchdog program he’d devised had proven to be too effective; erasing all traces of his work on his own system as well as StyroCo’s the moment there was the tiniest hint of danger. Stupid frigging piece of crap!

A thump and a muttered curse from the hallway made Gary straighten up and open his eyes, startled. “Hey, Rob!” he said. “Whatcha doin’ here?”

“Workin’,” Rob answered shortly over his shoulder as he reprogrammed the laser drill he was using. “Mother Kat wants some hooks along this wall for people to hang their jackets on in cool season.”

Gary snorted and grinned. “Cool season’s never gonna come, don’t she know that? Hot as bloody heck out there. It’s s’posed to be September!”

“Well stay in here where it’s cool and make yourself useful, y’ lazy SOB,” said Robert, not unkindly. “Here’s the hooks. Just screw ‘em into the holes I’ve made.”

Gary took a hook and turned to the wall, hiding the grin that always crept to his face when his street-mates referred to him as lazy. “So,” he said, “took my advice, huh? Told ya Mother Kat was way cool.”

“She is,” Rob said seriously. “She’s been letting us stay in her house for three days now, an’ she took Polly to the hospital an’ filled prescriptions for medicine for her.”

“An’ so now you’re gonna turn into an honest worker, huh?” Gary asked, his ironic gesture encompassing the hall, the holes in the wall, and the two of them.

“Sure hope so,” Rob muttered. “Conning drugs is too dangerous, man. I’ve got my sister to think of.”

“Yeah, sure,” Gary said dismissively. Rob was always going on about his sister. “Must be hard. Didn’t Sarah help at all?”

“You darn well bet she did!” Rob said, the sharpness in his tone surprising Gary. “She’d’ve worked any corner anywhere all night if it would’ve saved Paula any pain at all.”

“Hey, chill, man! Didn’t mean to insult anyone,” Gary laughed. “I hear some hookers even come to like turnin’ tricks.”

“I can’t chill, it’s too blasted hot,” Rob said irritably. “And I don’t know where you heard that, but it ain’t true.”

“I guess you’d know,” Gary leered.

Robert winced. “Keep your filthy mind out of our business, jerk. And watch what your doin’ with that hook. Ya needn’t scratch the paint!”

“Grouch today, aren’t you?” Gary said calmly. “Blasted son of a—” he added more forcefully as he dropped the hook. When he turned around to pick it up, he saw that it was lying beside two small feet in a pair of pretty leather sandals. Gary’s eyes moved of their own accord to the slender, tanned ankles and long bare legs. As an equally small white hand picked up the hook, Gary got hold of himself and straightened quickly. He found himself face-to-face with a girl only a little older than he was. She was dressed stylishly in a short-sleeved, midriff-baring shirt and jean shorts, and her long, honey-colored hair was loosely pulled back from a faintly flushed, high-cheekboned face. Glasses framed sparkling blue eyes, and as she held the hook out to him she bit her lip as if to keep back laughter.

“Uh—hiya. Lookin’ for someone?” Gary asked self-consciously as he took the hook. He felt rather than saw Rob turn quickly to face them. How much of their conversation had this girl heard? She was no Rat, that was for sure.

“Sort of,” the girl said. “Could I get by? I’m supposed to see Rev. Kat.”

Gary nodded and stepped back. The girl moved past them hurriedly and disappeared around the corner where Mother Kat’s office was. When she was out of sight, Gary turned back to the wall and began fitting hooks in industriously.

“We gotta watch our mouths, or I could be out a place to stay,” Rob muttered.

Gary grunted his agreement. “Pretty little package, isn’t she?”

“Who? That girl? Yeah, so?”

Gary shrugged. “Dunno.” Obviously his friend wasn’t in the mood to discuss chicks.

They worked silently for several minutes. Soon, Mother Kat’s voice sounded from the end of the hallway, and grew louder as she approached, talking to the girl. Both their heads were bent over a computer pad. “I do see what you mean, Jennifer,” she was saying seriously, “and I’ll have someone check on that. It certainly is wonderful to have the daughter of a lawyer on the vestry. Hello, Gary,” she added with some surprise as she almost collided with him. “Helping Rob? Thank you both.”

“Hey, no prob.” Gary said easily. “It’s cooler in here working than it is out there hangin’ out.”

Katherine laughed. “I’ll bet. Guys, this is Jennifer Janes. Jennifer, this is Gary, and Robert.”

Jennifer smiled a bit hesitantly. “Hi.”

“Hi, yourself,” Gary said with his most charming grin. “Friend Rob here is feeling sour, so don’t expect conversation out of him.”

Robert scowled at Gary, then turned to Jennifer and smiled candidly. “Friend Rob is sick of someone’s stupid tongue, is all. Glad to meet you, Jennifer.” He held out his hand, then looked as if he wished he hadn’t. It was dirty.

Jennifer didn’t seem to notice. “Rev. Kat has been known to say that his tongue gets on her nerves too,” she observed, much to Gary’s chagrin, as she shook Rob’s hand. “I can see why. Nice to meet you. See you, Rev. Kat.”

Katherine waved and the lawyer’s daughter walked lightly to the door and let herself out. Gary snickered and leaned toward Rob to mutter something complimentary (if rather offensively put) about her retreating rear. Rob glared again. Gary prepared to glare back—What was his problem today?—but adjusted his expression rapidly as Mother Kat turned and spoke to them.

“Ready to call it a day?” she inquired.

“Sure, if you’re ready to go, Ma’am,” Rob said.

Gary flashed the other boy an incredulous look. He’d never heard Rob use that serious, respectful tone before. What was with him? “Right-o, Mother Kat,” he said aloud, as both brown and green eyes waited for his response. “I’ll just be off to trip the night fantastic and see if I can’t find some supper.” He grabbed his laptop and turned to go, but couldn’t resist adding mockingly over his shoulder to Rob, “Enjoy your honest work.”

“Son of a—” Rob muttered after Gary’s retreating back.

“Don’t let him get to you.” Mother Kat smiled slightly as she saved the information on the pad and tucked it into her purse. “Remember to take his jibes as lightly as he means them.”

“But that’s why he’s so annoying, Mother Kat,” Rob protested. “He means everything he says lightly. You can hurt people pretty bad that way. I mean, something that isn’t important to you might be really awful to someone else, an’ if you don’t watch out, you don’t even know..”

She zipped up her purse and raised her head to look at him. “I know,” she said gravely. “But it takes a special kind of vision to see things like that through other peoples’ eyes.”

“Christ, I know that,” Rob muttered, dropping his eyes from her penetrating gaze. “Wish I had it.”

She placed a light, slender hand on his shoulder. “It’s not something you’re born with,” she said. “It’s something you learn.”

“How?”

“I—I think by trying to truly understand everyone you come into contact with. To sort of get inside their heads a bit. And by seeing Christ in every person. That we’re all connected because we’re all created in the image of God.”

“You’re copping out. I don’t even believe in God,” Rob said belligerently, annoyed by the triteness of her answer.

Mother Kat sighed. “I know. Forgive me. I didn’t mean to preach.”

Rob grinned suddenly. “Isn’t that what they pay you for?”

“So it is,” she laughed. “I guess sometimes I forget I’m not in the pulpit.”

“Mother Kat, why do you believe in God?” Rob demanded. And now, lady, if you give me any bull…

He watched startled Mother Kat reorganize her thoughts. She stared at the wall beyond his shoulder for so long he began to think she wasn’t going to answer at all. Then her eyes snapped to his face. “I think my faith began with fear,” she said. “When I was far too young—eleven, I believe—I read a book by an old horror writer, Stephen King. The world I saw in that book was horrible for me, not because of the evil portrayed, which I had expected, but because the ‘good guys’ were dishonorable, selfish and immoral. It was a world with no pure good. The only purity was the evil. I began to wonder if life was that way.”

“Is it?”

She shook her head. “I couldn’t believe that. So I was drawn into faith in the total goodness of a real God because I was terrified of the total evil that might exist without Him.”

“But, just because you want to believe it…”

“I know. It doesn’t make it true. That was my faith at thirteen. I now believe that there is no purity in evil. Any evil is corrupted good, because life is good. Pure evil would be absolute nothing, which doesn’t exist, because if it did it wouldn’t be nothing.”

“But how does the corruption happen if God is, like, totally good?”

“From us,” she said gently. “Because we were given freedom to choose, and we chose disobedience and selfishness and created the idea of sin. What is corrupted, mankind corrupted, not any purely evil, supernatural force.”

“Okay, sure, but then we corrupted everything.”

“Except God. And that’s where Jesus comes in. He was God. God died to redeem the world. To save everything we corrupted. Including us. God died,” Mother Kat repeated, as if she still couldn’t quite grasp the thought.

“But, Mother Kat… ‘Scuse me, but I was on the debating team back when I went to school. Your whole argument is based on the idea that life is good. What if it isn’t? What if life is stupid an’ meaningless an’ eventually it’ll end and it just plain doesn’t matter? What if there is no good or evil?”

“That’s the only other sensible theory, isn’t it?” she said candidly. “I would say, then where did we get our sense of good and evil? Why do we try to do good? Why do we admire selflessness and self-sacrifice?”

“Maybe because we made it all up?”

“But how can a stupid and meaningless universe bring forth a concept of meaning?”

“I dunno. But back at ya: If your God is so omnipresent and created everything, then when he gave us a choice, didn’t he have to create the choice? An’ if that choice was evil, then God created evil. An’ if God created evil, how can he be all good?”

Katherine nodded. “Yes, I see. There are paradoxes and questions in both beliefs that will probably never be answered. When I get to this point, all I can say is that I cannot—not will not, but cannot—believe there is no meaning. You may call me silly and emotional if you like, but I can’t feel that there is no meaning. It doesn’t make sense to my guts.” She paused. “I guess when you get right down to it, faith is illogical. But then, if there is no meaning in the universe, that’s okay. It’s sort of like drawing a square and then writing inside it, ‘everything inside this square is a lie.’”

“Huh?”

Mother Kat shrugged her purse onto her shoulder more comfortably and held the door open for him. “Think about it,” she said.

Rob thought about it as they walked out to the Metro stop. As they stood in the crowded car, crunched in with all the other passengers as it hurtled down the track toward Loraine, he suddenly burst out laughing.