"This is What Happens" by Emily McDurman

Wish me out of this nightmare; dream me into a lullaby because I just can't take it anymore, it's starting to hurt not only my eyes but also my heart and stomach too.

I just want to die and wish it all away, it's sort of hard to believe it's real, I don't want it to be, I just want it to be fake; a fantasy; a nightmare itself. I just want you to stay in my life the way we were forever and ever, but things change, right? Things change and now I'm alone all because you lied to me but you told the truth at the same time. It made me so happy to know you loved me, and I was always glad to say it back and mean it, but then you cracked the whip and said you never believed, never believed even me, your beloved, and you only loved me once in our relationship and I told you that raping me would have hurt less, but you weren't even there to hear that, which just proves I lost my only true best friend in the world, because the one I had before told you all the terrible things about me and my past, and you don't believe me when I say I've changed! You say she told you I was a liar and you even asked me how my friends can hate me so, and I said back that it wasn't me, I'm a completely different person even though it sounds so cliché it's true! I wouldn't ever lie to you...

You were the person I could tell everything to and now you're not there.

You're not there and now I'm alone. You're not there and I'm not here with you so you're alone as well, and my thoughts are spinning and my eyes spill out tears and they eventually fall out of my head and when I vomit from sick, broken love my heart comes up and my brain turns to mush and then I know that parts of me died, not just one piece but much more than that. You didn't just crack my heart in two or turn it to dust, you ruined me, and you ruined my happiness.
Whenever I wear my black clothes, put on my black makeup, and my chrome chains I think of you and I wonder how you could do this to your "sweet apple pie," how you could turn her to be dark and enjoy nothing but the solid color black, how it feels, how it sinks into your eyes, how it turns your skin white as ash. I wonder how you could make me do the things I always promised myself not to do, how you could let some boy take me and rip my body in half then shove me down to the ground to kiss his feet as if I were worshiping him out of love. I wonder how you could make your good girl go bad, and then worse, all the way to disengaged and ill.

Mental; crazy; insane, I always claimed to be that but now it's real and I feel so fake, and I wish I were good at something and I could have you back, but that won't ever happen because you told me that I'd get over it, when really you were the one who got over it.

I asked you why you didn’t do it before but you just spread your wings and flew away and I wished that I could live in your magical world and do the same thing, just spread my wings and fly. And then it hit me that you were real, that you were magic, and I felt so alone, and so selfish for only thinking of me, but then I thought, screw the world, I’m in pain and I deserve to think of only myself. And then it hits me that I think of others too much and then I realize that now I’m really alone and there really isn’t anyone out there who can help me and my sorrow.

I wish to myself that I could fly away, but I think, pick up where I left off before, right? It’s so easy to do, but then I discover that everyone has wings, and everyone can fly away but I’m the only one who can’t, and suddenly I’m stuck on Earth alone, in that whole universe while you and everyone else is flying away somewhere safe. Then all I remember is that blazing moon, but it wasn’t a moon, it was a meteor and it was coming to take my life away. And when it hits everything dies, everything dies but I keep living because my pain keeps me alive, only it keeps eating me and spitting me back out, eating me again and spitting me back out again, and I don’t feel anything but pain anymore. Pain and the numb, the killing numb that makes me want to taste something, but I can’t because there’s nothing there. The world has ended and all it is in a big mass of dirt and grim, there aren’t any animals or plants and I don’t know how I’m surviving in this dirty air but I am.

And everyday I get reminded of you and your wings how you could fly away but I had to be stuck here, alone, with the apocalypse. So I stayed in my dark little corner on the edge of the Forgotten World, whispering all the while to myself, “I'm a completely different person even though it sounds so cliché it's true! I wouldn't ever lie to you...”