"A Galactic Review" by L. ´Frog´ Janas

The audiovisual non-interactive presentation Kalic’toc Mortlic Battle will first be available to see in local viewing stations across the galaxy in two sun cycles and it will take billions of sun cycles more of Borbonite-style torture to persuade me to view this cinematic work again. This visual atrocity lacks aptitude in a way that makes any viewers’ eye spew slime. Anyone with processing capabilities larger than that of a snarklegrope worm would not subject themselves to seeing this multimillion platinum piece crime against the natural world.



The plotline centers on a horrific battle in a fictional war between the planets Frekatz’uk and Tranda, which was clearly written that way only to allow sexy Frekatz’uk star J9257-Humba a chance to fight Tranda superstar 89GR6-Plorey on a Tranda sand heap while scantily clad to avoid Tranda’s many suns. Unfortunately, this pseudo war (which of course had no real explanation why two planets with friendly diplomatic relations would start a war in the first place) was the least of the plot problems. Not only was the relationship between the two soldiers unlikely, but the scenes between them were tasteless. Humba couldn’t keep her tentacles off Plorey until after they decided to copulate in Humba’s government issued sleeping pod when she promptly shot him with her plasma ray, which she had managed to hide under her minimal apparel despite the fact that plasma rays are over two relargos long. Then, seemingly appearing out of a black hole and for no apparent reason, hundreds of soldiers from both planets swarmed the sleeping pod and started a lengthy, gory battle with equally deficient explanation. This cinematic work plays to individuals with the intelligence of a Taragonian who has never been exposed to oscillation receptors, showing only fornication and violence, sacrificing plot in the process.



Even if the battle had made sense to the story, the execution in creating the audiovisual presentation was abysmal. The innards shown (exposed in the battle scenes) looked like non-synthetic food products that had been dyed various shades of blue, and the blasts from the plasma rays were muffled so that they sounded less like guns and more like the popping of an unpleasant body excrement. The visual effects looked like something out of a pre-computer generation done with models made of polymers rather than the modern technology used in this multimillion platinum piece disaster.



Though I personally enjoy senseless violence, I actually felt like clicking with joy when the battle ended and the stereotypical wizened old general, Crematug’hag appeared (played by 5492G9-Undamok) to spew out the “moral” of the story. Undamok does not disappoint his fans, though the majority of the acting in this cinematic production is so forced that it is likely that my son’s Garagonian model 36 robot could do a better job. Truly, apart from Undamok’s ending lines, the best part of Kalic’toc Mortlic Battle is the credits at the end. If you do chose to view it, bring along a handheld spectrolith to amuse yourself if you get bored and if a Kregon takes over your brain, causing you buy it’s DHT disk with your own platinum, it would be most suited to prop open a malfunctioning pneumatic door.