CHARACTERS

(In order of Appearance)

PRINCE PEPTO - a very princely sort, with a proper, courtly accent. He's tall and charming, with an air of intelligence.

BLADDARUS - A stout monk who wears the traditional looking cowl. Leads the Rectal Choir and sings high tenor.

RECTAL CHOIR - A choir of Benedictine monks that live in the Rectum. Never seen, only heard.

PRINCESS INDIGESTION - A rather snooty, yet beautiful princess bent on destroying Prince Pepto's kingdom.

SLOSH - Narcoleptic guard of the castle Burp and Slurp.

RUFUS - Buff Swedish guard of the castle Iratisitphesia.

BENJAMINA BACTERIA - Princess Indigestion's nutty sister. Dresses in ragged clothes and has knotted hair.

KING BELLYRUB AND QUEEN TUM TUM - Overly flirtatious King and Queen of the stomach without an ounce of ruling capacity in them. King Bellyrub is rather fat and has a beard, and Queen Tum Tum has a large, heinous mole on her left cheek.

CAPTAIN ROLAND - Captain of the Rolaid army.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Scene 1

(Setting: takes place between the castle of Burp and Slurp, which looks as if it is made entirely out of gum, and the castle of Iratisitiphesia, which looks as though it is made entirely out of popcorn seeds. The side of the castle Burp and Slurp shown takes up a large portion of the left side of the stage and has a balcony, Iratisitiphesia takes up the right and has a window opposite the balcony. The scene opens with a spot on the balcony and PRINCE PEPTO leaning on the gum rail, listening to the Benedictine sound of BLADDARUS and his chorus singing below. BLADDARUS and his group are not shown here, only heard.)

BLADDARUS AND RECTAL MONKS - (Singing Franciscan) It's tiiiiiiiiime. Time for the rushing of waters. Time for the clearing. It's tiiiiiiiiime, time for the release of pressuuuures. Time once agaaaaain. Again…agaaaaiin.

PEPTO - Ah, 'tis so lovely to hear the sound of Bladdarus and the Rectal monks sing out the hours. In my fair kingdom, digestion goes on with time and there is naught to halt the way. Ah, life would be so perfect if it weren't for (a sudden scream resounds from inside the opposing castle, and a spot is turned onto the window) … her….

INDIGESTION - (Leans violently out of the window of the popcorn kernel castle opposite PEPTO. She glares at him and shouts angrily) Prince Pepto! You terrible cad! I shall chop you up into teensy tiny pieces and send you down the digestive tract!!

PEPTO - (Resigned to hear the oncoming tirade, says in mock respect) What have I done this time, your loveliness?

INDIGESTION -You know very well what you did! You killed another of my precious ulcers! Your guards came to my castle and killed him!!!!

PEPTO - Now why would I do a thing like that, hmm? Princess Indigestion, you can't honestly think I would allow you to release Ulcers without a thought!

INDIGESTION - (Wailing) He was hungry!!!! My pet has every right to eat as well as any digestive enzyme in this kingdom! Ulcers are people too!

PEPTO - Are they? I wasn't aware…

INDIGESTION - I'll get you for this! Just like I'll get you for shutting me up in this castle! I'll break free someday and then you'll be sorry. I'll make everyone in the kingdom sorry. (Storms back into her castle).

PEPTO - By the Molars, why is it that I have to deal a pain in the gut like her? (Sighs and walks into the castle.)

(Stage is lighted entirely up to reveal a RUFUS, who is standing guard at INDIGESTION's door, and SLOSH, who is supposed to be standing guard at PEPTO's door but instead is lying against the castle. Both look extremely bored to be where they are. They yawn obnoxiously at the exact same moment.)

SLOSH - Oy, I wish that woman'd stop shouting; it gets awfully annoying to those of us what are trying to sleep.

RUFUS - (Swedish accent) Ya.

SLOSH - Maybe we should submit a complaint.

RUFUS - Ya.

SLOSH - D'ya think the Prince would agree?

RUFUS - Ya!

SLOSH - I mean, after all, we're supposed to sit here and be one guard all day in case of intruders. We need our rest! (Voice fades groggily, and he closes his eyes.)

(RUFUS is about to reply when suddenly BENJAMINA BACTERIA, who's been sneaking up on them the entire time, jumps him and coshes him on the head, and then she dives at the locked door. SLOSH realizes none of this because his eyes are closed and he's fallen asleep. BENJAMINA rattles the door handle, but finds it locked. She kicks the door in frustration and only succeeds in stubbing her toes.)

BENJAMINA - (Hopping on one foot) Curses, curses, curses!

INDIGESTION - (Voice coming from the other side of the door) Benjamina? Is that you?

BENJAMINA - Who else? Now open the door, it's safe to come out!

INDIGESTION - (Door rattles) But it's locked!

BENJAMINA - Curses, curses, curses! Liversticks and bellylint!

PEPTO - (Having just exited his castle) Benjamina Bacteria! Didn't your mother teach you not to swear?

BENJAMINA - Why, your majesty! I didn't know you were there! (Smiles unctuously)

PEPTO - Obviously.

BENJAMINA - It's such a lovely day; I was just taking a completely legal and unsuspicious stroll by your castle!

PEPTO - Ah, and that explains why you've knocked out both of my guards.

BENJAMINA - That's not true, I only coshed one of 'em. The other was already out cold!

PEPTO - (Looks at SLOSH) I'm not surprised. (Draws sword and points it at BENJAMINA's throat) Step away from the door, if you will.

BENJAMINA - (Gulps loudly) Sure…(steps DC, PEPTO stands with his sword pointed at her back from behind.)

PEPTO - Now, we're going on a completely legal and unsuspicious walk to the dungeons. Sound fun?

BENJAMINA - (Rolls eyes) Grand.

(PEPTO starts to poke her toward the Burp and Slurp's door, she cringes and walks the way he leads with her hands raised above her head in defeat. As they walk by SLOSH, he snorts loudly and whacks PEPTO in the shins. He cringes and trips forward, nearly running BENJAMINA through, except that she, seeing her chance, and ducks out of the way. As she leaps to safety, she grabs an enormous key ring from PEPTO's belt and shoves him down to the ground as he tries to stand. While he staggers back to his feet, shouting curses and what-have-you, BENJAMINA dashes to castle Iratisitiphesia and starts shoving keys into the keyhole. She swings the door open and INDIGESTION bursts out.)

INDIGESTION - Ha HA! Free at last!!!! Come Benjamina! We must show Prince Pepto who really owns this place. (To PEPTO) See ya later sucker! (BENJAMINA sticks tongue out at PEPTO, and she and INDIGESTION run DC and then off DR)

PEPTO - (Finally back on his feet) CURSE YOU PRINCESS INDIGESTION!!!

End Scene 1 (curtains close and lights go out. Next set is in front of the curtains)

Scene 2

Helpful hint: during scene changes, BLADDARUS and choir could be singing their chant in "Ahs" or "oo"s.

(Setting: Throne Room of castle Burp and Slurp. Upon two stately thrones sit KING BELLYRUB and QUEEN TUM TUM.)

KING - My dear, I love you THIS much. (Raises his hands and indicates like a fish story).

QUEEN - Ah, but my dear, I love you THIIIS much. (Indicates with hands wider. This continues at least once more for each, and each becomes grander than the next, their voices become louder and they hold their arms wider and then look at the other, daring the other to match it.)

BLADDARUS AND RECTAL MONKS - (Still not seen, interrupts KING just as he stands up and puts his arms even wider. He drops his arms and flops dejectedly onto his throne). Mother Nature calls once again. It is time, yes it's time. Ah ah ah, tiiiime. Time to release the log. Time once again, yes again, once again, Mother Nature…Mooootheeeer…Naaaatuuuure…

KING - (Listens to the last lovely notes die, then stands) Now where were we?

PEPTO - (bursts in and swiftly bows before KING and QUEEN) Father! Mother! Princess Indigestion has escaped the tower!

KING - Oh, really? How nice. (Sits back down and looks at TUM TUM fondly. She tweaks his nose and they both giggle.)

PEPTO - Do you not see what this means? The whole kingdom is about to be thrown into disarray! We must stop her if we want to keep our lives. (Sees that his parents aren't listening. Shakes his head and turns his back to them so that he is now completely facing the audience.) I suppose I shall have to deal with this myself.

ROLAND - (enters stage left looking disheveled and harassed. Crosses in front of PEPTO and goes straight to bow to KING and QUEEN. Says from the ground ;) King Bellyrub, Queen Tum Tum, I have disparaging news. Princess Indigestion has set her Ulcers loose on the stomach walls, and a bacterial army is starting to build up around our cities. Shall we retaliate? (KING and QUEEN don't look up at him.) Your majesties! This requires immediate action! (Begins to get frustrated, stands up) YOUR MAJESTIES!!!! KING BELLYRUB!!! QUEEN TUM TUM!!!!!!!!!!!

PEPTO - (pulls fingers out of his ears) Maybe if you shout louder, Captain, they'll actually hear you.

ROLAND - (Looks at PEPTO and grins sheepishly.) Apologies, your Highness.

PEPTO - Go ahead and ready the men, Captain Roland; if ever we needed the Rolaid Riders, it's now.

ROLAND - (Bows) Yes, you're Highness, right away. (Starts to exit stage left but is interrupted by the sound of the monk choir).

BLADDARUS AND RECTAL MONKS - Ooooh deeear…once again it is time…time for the clearing of the intestine. Tiiiiime again…too sooon…it's tooo soooooon.

PEPTO - Wait a minute…weren't they just singing but a moment ago?

ROLAND - Indeed they were. But…

BLADDARUS AND RECTAL MONKS - (starting to sound off key.) No, it's starting again. It's time…too soooooon…tooooooo soooooon. Tooo muuuchh, toooooo sooooooon.

KING - (Even KING and QUEEN stop their flirtation to look up) What is that racket?!?

QUEEN - Ouch, that hurts the eardrums!!

BLADDARUS AND RECTAL MONKS - (now completely discordant) Oooooooooooooh noooooooo! Stoooooopp theeee floooowwwww! It's too much, tooo much…where is it all coming from?!?!?!?

KING - The Rectum Monks sound like CRAP!!!! (He and QUEEN cover their ears)

QUEEN - Please, someone make it stop!

ROLAND - What can this mean?

PEPTO - It can only mean one thing…

RECTAL MONKS - Diarrhea! Diarrhea!!!! Diarrheeeaaaaaah!!!! Aaaaah aaaaah aaaaah AAAAAAH aaahh (fade.)

BLADDARUS - (Bursts in stage right.) Sire, we have a case of the runs!!!!!!

PEPTO - Roland, get out there and get rid of those ulcer-fiends before they do any real damage, and take care of as much of the bacteria as you can. (ROLAND nods and exits stage left) Bladdarus, you must return and do your best to handle the overload.

BLADDARUS - I don't know how long we can last, Sire, but we'll do what we can. (Exits stage right)

PEPTO - As for me, (draws sword) I vow, by the sword of my father's cousin's great aunt's niece's brother's neighbor's sister's son-in-law, that I will find that witch, Indigestion, and put a stop to this madness. (BLADDARUS AND RECTAL MONKS may hit a dramatic chord here for effect.) She was under my care, and I failed to protect the Kingdom from her. The fault was mine that she was released, and I will do everything in my power to bring her back. If I cannot, I shall relinquish the throne to the man who does. So swear I, by the sword of my father's cousin's great….

SLOSH - (As PEPTO poses there dramatically, SLOSH runs on stage left, dragging with him INDIGESTION, whose wrists are tied) Sire, I caught her!

PEPTO - Whaa---whaaaat?! (Lets sword fall. MONKS hit a sour chord)

SLOSH - (Yawns) Something wrong, your Majesty?

PEPTO - (quickly sheaths his sword) No, nothing. (SLOSH yawns loudly and gives PEPTO a queer look. INDIGESTION stomps on SLOSH's foot and tries to get away. PEPTO grabs her wrists) Ha, this counts as catching her!

INDIGESTION - (fighting with him) You're NOT putting me back in that tower! I'd rather die!!!!!!

PEPTO - (in a relatively happier mood) Slosh, take her away. (SLOSH lays on the ground asleep) Slosh? Slosh? (looks down and sees him sleeping) FINE! I'll do it! (starts to drag her off stage right.)

End Scene 2 (End scene, lights go out.)

Scene 3

(Setting: back between the two towers again. SLOSH and RUFUS are below, SLOSH is, of course, asleep. Time has passed, PEPTO sits happily on his balcony and once again listens to BLADDARUS and his RECTAL MONKS singing.)

BLADDARUS AND RECTAL MONKS - (Perfectly in tune once more) It is tiiiiiiimme yet agaaaaaiiiin…Tiiiiime for the releeease. Things are back as they should be….digeeeestiiion contiiinues it's flow!!!! It's tiiimee…tiiimeee...tiiimeee….

PEPTO - Ah, 'tis so good to hear the monks sing out the hours as they should…today is just so perfect…(sudden scream resounds from below as BENJAMINA, who was trying to sneak up on RUFUS again, is caught by him instead.) (Shouting down to him) Well done, Rufus! You caught her!

RUFUS - Ya.

(PEPTO runs inside and starts to run down to meet them. On his way there, BENJAMINA does everything in her power to escape from RUFUS. He stays steady, however, and doesn't even twitch.)

PEPTO - (upon reaching the outside, pulls out his key ring.) We'll lock her in the tower with her sister! (Goes to the door and opens it. INDIGESTION pops out as RUFUS shoves BENJAMINA in. PEPTO slams the door shut and RUFUS holds it closed while PEPTO grabs INDIGESTION. He catches her in front of the castle Burp and Slurp.)

INDIGESTION - Let me go, you fiend, let me go!!!

PEPTO - Not in a thousand years…(INDIGESTION struggles away but trips over SLOSH.) Oh, here, let me help you (offers his hand cordially.)

INDIGESTION - (takes it gingerly as their eyes meet. A sudden spark passes between the two. Slowly she rises, her eyes locked onto his. He continues to hold her hand) Th-th-thank you. Heeey, (she squints at him) in a certain light…by gum, you're actually cute!

PEPTO - (Stares at her in shock and then gets down on one knee, still holding her hand) Princess Indigestion, will you marry me?

INDIGESTION - With all my heart (PEPTO rises and draws her closer so that he has both her hands in his. They stare romantically into each other's eyes and then kiss. BLADDARUS and the RECTUM MONKS burst into the Hallelujah Chorus.)